what to do about dh being very angry incessantly.

[labyrinthine]

Dh is difficult and I had a thread about him being unreasonable,blaming me for things and being rude and selfish.
Now things seem to have taken a turn for the worse in terms of him getting angry over everyday things,going on at me about whatever it is and not listening to anyone else.

It's just incredibly uncomfortable to be around him.
I don't know if this is stress but how do I cope with this as I am not financially independent enough to have my own place yet but am working towards it.

Or actually is this common and most couples get cross over day to day things and I'm just a bit of a wuss[well known fact].I never get cross over the sort of things that wind him up.He also likes to say things for effect and to try to "wind me up" ~even if they aren't true.

Perspective/advice/kind words please.

He sounds like an arse TBH. Is he like this with other people?

He can be like this with other people too unless he is at work or with guests etc.

Right, so he's in control of his temper and has decided that it's OK to take it out on you. What an arse.

Is it feasible to try saying 'I won't be spoken to like that' and walking away when he starts?Or does he follow you and carry on shouting? TBH you might want to take a look at the resources available to people with abusive partners, because taking out his temper out on you is abusive and it's not acceptable.

He is like this with the older dcs ,his brother and strangers in cars etc ~its like he is very stressed and angry all the time.

Tonight he phoned me on my mobile and I was first out of signal and then driving ~when I got home he went on for ages about why didn't I answer my phone which is odd because he doesn't answer his.

Then he went on about how he had had to phone me as there was no milk "nothing in the house"[I had bought some stuff on my way back] then went absolutely ballistic when he saw we were overdrawn [because of building work commissioned by him].

"Someone has been out incontinentally[real word?] buying clothes and food spending money like water" etc etc
I have a new job and have bought clothes for that only.

I just can't stand being stuck here with him any longer.

He just keeps going on and calling me back and reiterating what he has said and how right he is again and again.

Tonight he was shouting "What's in your saving accounts,we can get all that out.."

and "It's going to be a cheap Christmas!..he says something along those lines every time we do anything and every Christmas.

He sounds very very angry, as you say. This is not normal, imo, and not something you (or your dcs) should have to live with.

Is he ever calm? What happens if you talk to him about this behaviour then?

Is Relate or similar an option? Although, fwiw, I don't think they work with couples where one partner is abusive, and he sounds borderline at best ...

hi labyrinthine

i've been in the same boat as you for years now. i hate confrontation so put up with being bullied for the sake of a quiet life etc. now have decided i want to leave and deserve better and have started telling people.

its very difficult, i rang a few places like womens aid but they weren't helpful because i said i felt that i wasn't in immediate danger and did not want to go down the refuge route - for the dc's sake i want to move straight into a 'new home' (not that i can afford it - still working that out)...

anyway the point is, when i started telling people i wasn't happy they were all totally supportive and lovely and most of them weren't surprised because they had seen little things, even just the way he and i were around each other. SO my advice would be to start talking about it, don't keep it to yourself. i am still starting out on the journey to leaving. you deserve better too. good luck

OK, in the past I too have had to deal with this tirade of irrational abuse and rage, all stress related, but tbh, I could care less what the cause is, it's still unforgivable.

It's tough to deal with when they are face to face with you, but I would suggest that if at all possible, just say that you will not stand to be yelled at, that you are going out for a little while for him to think and calm down. you will talk like adults generally do, when you get back, if he still feels the need. go, get in the car, and drive around, park up for 30 mins. Ideally don't take your mobile so he can't keep calling and calling. Distance yourself from him.

If it's while you are out and on your mobile, and he starts to yell, just hang up... Oops poor signal... Dunno what happened there. Keep repeating until he finally gives up. That one really is so satisfying!!

You need to diffuse the situation, whatever you decide to do long term.

Raise your game, don't let him take control of the conversation by screaming and shouting. It's hard, but stay cool and calm. Refuse to let yourself be dragged into a fight.

Calmly say to him that if he has an issue, you are prepared to discuss it, but if all he wants to do is stand and shriek at you, Sorry, but that is not about to happen.

Teach him how you want to be treated, if he can't do that, then you will have to reconsider what you are doing in staying with him.

Keep strong, don't let him wear you down!

Thank you for your advice.
I do respond firmly and walk away saying I am not going to be shouted at by him.
He can't control me and he is really angry about it.

I feel like I've been here before,when the older dcs were little and it was put down to stress.

But now it's me at work and it's still him who is stressed.

If he is as unhappy and exasperated as he seems and he can't communicate that,it would be a kindness to us all to separate really.

I wish we could just sell up, split the proceeds and move on.

Ironically this is a time when I need help with daycare for ds2 and ideally help with the evening meal etc ~I have made all the meals for 15 yrs and now I am at work I'm still expected to do all the shopping, pick ups and food and do bedtimes ~ and he's still making my life a misery lol.

DP says all the things you mentioned in your first post. It's spooky. I oscilate between thinking/hoping everything's alright and thinking I can't go on when he starts stressing. I'm going back to work next week after a few years with dd. Will see how this affects us.
Anyway, I really hope you find a resolution Labyrinthine. Best wishesx

Sorry to hear you have some similar experiences puffling.
When I look at my teenagers I think if they were with someone who was very moody and difficult I would wish them to move on asap~life is too short to waste it.

But when you are in the situation yourself you are not sure if it is just the ups and downs of normal life..and don't want to upset the dcs and the family home etc by splitting up.It seems selfish to split the family up for what are initially small things...it's not until it gets like this you realise how bad it is.

I am the sort of person who can put up with a lot and try to see the best in people but it's dawning on me that I don't want to be with him in any way,shape or form and never will again.

Whether this is a fundamental problem from the start or the result of his behaviour recently I'm not sure ~ possibly a bit of both.

Yes he is trying to control me.

He thinks it is ok to have these massive tantrums and then just carry on.

Maybe it is for him but I want out.

You need to read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

Controlling men are often angry men as well.

So I transferred savings and he is a bit calmer.
What a nightmare.

Being an arsehole to YOU is HIS coping mechanism.

Second the LUndy Bancroft suggesting men, totally agree about the link between angry men and controlling men.

I mean, I second the lundy bancroft suggestion.

ps again, I'm sure you're not a wuss. I think it suits him to be able to tell you that your reaction to his abusive behaviour is oversensitive though.

Google financial abuse too and see if anything strikes a chord.

Yes, very. I agree. In the lead up to my figuring out that my x was a controlling abusive man who expected me to sacrifice my life for his convenience I was secret squirrelling money away.

This wasn't easy I tell you. If he'd known, he would have gone on about how he would have TRIED to bully me into something similar no doubt.

Until now his has been the only income for some years~I am just beginning a new job.

Our finances are run from a current joint account but he has an account and I have a building society savings account .

I guess he thinks,fairly really,that sincehe pays for all the family things with his income,why would it be fair for me to hold money back?

Of course the answer is to regain some power backfrom him esp if he is going to be difficult about me leaving,so I can maintain some independence ~ he doesn't need that as he has a good regular salary.

But I can see his pov in that if we have spent all his money why should I have any separate.

He is not violent but he can be aggressive in his manner ~ in the car driving or in person and I do feel a bit scared of him then.He won't listen.

Once I opened a kitchen cupboard door and it hit his nose accidentally obviously and he hit me because he thought I had done it on purpose.

He pushes in front of me and is rude"get out the way then"etc and I think he could be a bit aggressive if pushed.