what to do about dh being very angry incessantly.

[labyrinthine]

Dh is difficult and I had a thread about him being unreasonable,blaming me for things and being rude and selfish.
Now things seem to have taken a turn for the worse in terms of him getting angry over everyday things,going on at me about whatever it is and not listening to anyone else.

It's just incredibly uncomfortable to be around him.
I don't know if this is stress but how do I cope with this as I am not financially independent enough to have my own place yet but am working towards it.

Or actually is this common and most couples get cross over day to day things and I'm just a bit of a wuss[well known fact].I never get cross over the sort of things that wind him up.He also likes to say things for effect and to try to "wind me up" ~even if they aren't true.

Perspective/advice/kind words please.

I would say he is not actually violent but he can have an aggressive manner,be intimidating and be potentially physically aggressive ~ he would never back down and if someone were to fight with him he would fight then
[I don't]
But mainly he is no fun,spoils everything and has tantrums.

Sorry ~ I found money in a joint savings to cover the O/D which he while going on and on at me being incompetent had not transferred.

My own money I have had the same amount in there for years and is still there but is not much and he says I have to use it for my car.

Today we are cashing in a long held endowment and I said "It is half mine" and he said no,all the money belongs to both of us and I said yes but it is legally half mine.He kept asking why I was saying that ~ he was either thinking I might leave or maybe thinking I wanted my half and then his half would be shared out I don't know[fair enough to be cross if he thought that]

It was my chance to tell him I want to sell up and leave but I couldn't do it.

Basically he only has one option or response when confronting a situation atm ~ anger.
Whether it is dd homework,Christmas,being late,etc etc

Labyrinthine, if he was responsible for spending everything in the joint account then it's not up to you to hand over your money to make up the loss while he retains his money in his account. This is a case of what's yours is mine and what's mine is my own.

When he is rude and aggressive to others (in the car for instance) he doesn't have to hit you frequently in order to make you afraid of him he is making an example of others in order to keep you in line. He is also demonstrating to himself, conditioning himself in a way, by acting this way and seeing himself getting away with it, that it's ok, since nobody on the outside has pushed back. Most people when they encounter someone like your H will back away from trouble. Dittany is right he is building a bigger and bigger sense of entitlement.

I think you understand what they see a huge step in the necessary emotional detachment from him. And I think you are right not to waste time trying to figure out what's wrong with him or what size or shape of a pole is up his rear end. What matters is you and the DCs and how miserable this is making you. And also what you can do about it, and how soon. Keep up the resistance and try to stay cool. Don't ever respond to any accusation or rant by acknowledging any detail of what he says just keep up the 'Don't talk to me that way', or 'Sorry you feel that way' or some other stonewalling phrase that he has no reply to.

Labyrinthine, you have a lot going for you right now. You could find and rent a place for yourself and your DCs since you have a job. Women's Aid will help you since he has, in fact hit you, and he has also taken your money.

I am scared of him and he is keeping me in line either intentionally or by being so angry or stressed that he can't control it.

I don't really have any money because we spend his money and I haven't been earning so my savings should be put into the pot.

Except that I want to leave and when I tell him I reckon he will move the money from joint to his own account.

Oh love. Call women's aid. You're scared of him, and I don't blame you, he's a complete shit.
Look, you are absolutely 100% right to want to leave, but I suggest you make your plans quickly and in secret and either take the DC and go when he;s out of the house or have a friend/relative with you when you tell him. Because this is an angry man who has already crossed the line to thinking he;s entitled to push you around, a man like this very VERY often beats up a partner who says she is leaving.

I know I've been posting on your other thread (I'm not a stalker!) but I just found this and quickly have to contradict SolidGoldBangers (sorry SGB). Don't leave the house! It will make things a lot more difficult (see what Xenia said on your other thread).

When you decide to tell him, make sure someone else is there, preferably a big tough someone. He's a lot less likely to be violent if he's in fear of being laid out himself. It's the old wall of silence thing - if he knows other people know, he will have to really watch his step. Plus, I reckon if your friends knew what he was like then they would a) want him dead and b) would do everything they can to help. You need to talk to other people in real life to really understand what a cunt he is, and how shit he is making your life. Most people would not put up with even a fraction of what you have.

It sounds from everything you've said that he is outwardly quite respectable, professional etc. He's not going to sacrifice that. Conviction for domestic violence won't look good on his CV.

sorry for the two threads.
Now he's angry about the tv and has gone upstairs.
I will have to go and study for an hour as my new job needs some study work to be done before I start.

I think I should broach the subject of splitting up with him tomorrow but not present it as a fait accompli atm which would make him really angry,just say I am unhappy and may well want to split because he is so angry all the time and we would both be happier on our own.

Then guage his response and see what happens but not row about it.

Just had a very short chat with my eldest dc and asked if he thought dad had been at all off lately and he said he thought he had been esp with me.

ok
My main options are selling up and both moving out or staying put and dh staying until forced out with many arguments and scenes and angry manipulations possibly damaging the dcs emotionally for life even more than now.

18,15,8

I don't think I can just tell him I want to split up ~ I would be too scared and he would go ballistic.
Also he might move all his money to his other account.
Alsohe would poison the dcs against me like I said in the other thread "Christmas is cancelled your mother's cancelled it"etc

He is quite capable of telling the little one "Your mother doesn't want to live with you anymore she's moving out"

The thing about arguments and scenes and angry manipulation is that you could end up in the hospital, or one of your DCs could take things into their own hands.

If you could get him to move out because of unhappiness, he would have done it years ago. He's with you, in the house, because he needs to have a cat to kick, so to speak. Out of the house and without you, he would have to go to the trouble of finding someone else to be the victim -- too much work, IYSWIM. He has no motivation to leave, in other words. Everything he needs is right there, the arguments, the scenes, the manipulation, the happy feeling that he is controlling you, that he's up and you're down.

I wouldn't try discussing your feelings with him, or issue any ultimatums, or mention leaving. I would make plans, lay the groundwork, and present him with a fait accompli in your own good time.

I think he feels massively entitled and likes everything his own way and doesn't mind how he achieves that.Also he can't cope with stress or solve problems.
I know he loves me in his emotions but its a selfish love based on what he needs not what I need.

So what I meant was he could be quite diffrerent with a different partner ~ we are toally mismatched.

I don't think I should say about separating yet either as he is too volatile and I have my new job.
Better to get some finances and plans together first and hope things settle down.

OTOH
Last sat or maybe the one before I feltreally scared on the sat night and slept in with ds2 I think if that was happening a lot I would have to think about leaving sooner.

I think he might believe his life would be better with a different partner, but in the end, if he didn't find a way of chucking all his baggage, things would end up the same.

Yes I guess so ~ and people aren't going to say bad things about him to me atm,this will probably change.

Funny how a lot of people told me a lot of things they had noticed about exH after we separated. You might be surprised at how much people are noticing.

lab, you say your x could be happy with somebody else.. maybe so, but would SHE be happy??

my xfil's 2nd wife left him (his first wife, my x's mother also left him) as he is a bully and abusive and a misogynist. Surprise surprise his son (my x) was a bully he's married a third time now to the biggest sap. she is a geisha in uk form. It took him 50 years to find a willing' slave. he's done it. he's happy. I dont think she even stops to consider whether or not she's happy. but xfil thinks, NOW I've found a supportive woman unlike the last two upstarts.