Thank you everyone. Sorry I haven't been able to bear return to the thread even to look, let alone to post, but two weeks later am calmer (and can spellcheck). It was incredibly helpful to have the support and wisdom from stranger s that night THANK YOU. I have neve been in the relationships section on MN before - now I have read some very heart-breaking threads and realise many have been in the same and worse positions and will try to be a better sister to others..
I was very mean about the OW husband, when I had calmed down (took about 4 days to stop shaking, and about 6 to start eating) I was very grateful to him.
I had suspected it, and if I had not found out, it would have carried on and the fall out would have been worse.
We talked and talked that night.
To begin with I acted as if it was the end, because I wanted to give the bastard a bloody big kick (my H, I mean), tho' I knew that I didn't want to divorce, because of the children and also because I realised that actually H has been very unhappy, because of business worries that I refused to discuss with him as I have been so tired at the end of the day. I have a full time hob, no childcare ( I work mostly from home, so everyone thinks a doss, but it really IS A full time job, very responsible, and mu colleagues doing the same job are men with SAH wives, so quite a lot of pressure.)
He has tried to talk to me about our relationship, but I did not want to as it always went throguh the same groove and I hate talking about relationships...
Anyway, I am not letting him off the hook, but do acknowledge that I have not prioritised the marriage at all, as I said previously I had thought we would split up when the children were older.
He said the affair would have fizzled out fairly soon anyway - he likes her, she is a nice woman (she probably is - I am biased) she is going through a break up, and he realised that she was getting too keen on him. He stumbled into it, she was there, was not intentional to hurt me - he thought I maybe had someone else as I never wanted sex, and was very dismissive of him, used the excuse of lack of a babysitter to avoid nights out - true. He did not try to excuse his behaviour or blame me but explained the reasons why he did not resist the temptation.
He said he did not want to lose me, would finish with her the next day (he did - offered to show me the email, I refused), would not tell her I knew (my stipulation) and that he would go to the club only to take DS to his event. BTW I asked him to finish via email - maybe cruel of me, but I felt that would be more final. I asked him not to text or email her. Have to hope that is the case.
He did tell me a few days ago that he had received a text from her telling him to be careful as her H had said he had contacted me, and if he knew that. he said he did not text her back as I had asked him not to.
I am ok about him continuing at the sports club, initally only with DS, as I do not want the normal routine to change too much - we have both been members of the club for many years.
It is likely that others there have cottoned on, DH says they have only ever been friendly at the club, so maybe the men haven't noticed (you can bet the wives have tho). He would like me to go there more often with and wthout him - I haven't been, because of logistics with the DC. He is going to proactively look after he Dc without being asked. He undestands why I am anxious now, and when he had a late meeting after work, forwarded the email to me from his business associates - did not say - look it's ok, but at least he understand I am suspicious.
Two weeks later, we are being nice to each other, we have been out a few times (have found it is quite easy to source a babysitter if you really want to).
We have also talked about lots of things - his business, my job, Afghanistan, Obama - yes sounds weird but i didn't even know his views on those it is so long since we had a conversation.
I know it is early days, and he may be tempted back. I have yet to meet her again - there is a social @ the club next week for Xams that we always go to. Dh said we could go or not go, depending on what was easiest for me - she is likley to be there.
I said I want to go, I am quite a good actress, no-one will know I know, if I see her I will be calm and normal, and it would be easier for me to see her in a social setting where I am relaxed than to catch a glimpse of her out of context when I am not expecting it - if that make sense. Sorry this is all about me & my feelings. Dh is a good man, and not a carefree philanderer, so I do want to make it work. It has been a wake-up call - and I am now grateful to that poor man the OWH, who is obviously suffering a lot. Wa thinking in afew months time ( a year?) I might buy a cheapissino PAYG phone from Superdrug, and use it once, untraceably like a spy ) just to send him a text saying 'thanks'
Apologies for the length of this.
If anyone else is going through it, god forbid, very happy to be CATd.
THANKS