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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

messsage on facebook saying my husband having affair

84 replies

shocked1111111 · 26/11/2009 18:37

Have named changed for obvious reasons, if anyone recognises me because of my posting style, please do not out me I am in total shock.
I log on occasionally to facebook, and did so casually tonight.
There was a message in my inbox left yesterday from someone I don't know, saying his wife has been having an affair with my husband for some time.
I assumed he must have got wrong person, but I recognised wife's first name as someone at my husband's sports club who I have suspected fancied him. She split up with her husband this summer and I joked with DH that she would get her claws into him next.
DH amd I have not been getting on well for ages, and I have often thought we would split up when the children are grown up - just wasn't expecting it so soon.
So has come as a shock, but I suppose not a surprise.
Am hurt that a complete stranger ( the husband I mesn) can just post soemthing shocking like that to a complete stranger. As it is I have to drive tonight to collect DS from cubs, and am shaking like crazy.

Sorry this is rambling - can't think who to talk to about it, as all my friends know Dh, and are mostly parents of our children's friends.
Have deleted that man's message - do not want to phone the number he left to hear his 'proof' why would I???Left a message for DH to call me. He has not called me back and I wonder if D (the 'other woman') has been told by her husband and she has told DH to be prepared?

What do I say to DH when he gets home or calls me back?

OP posts:

ArizonaBarker · 26/11/2009 20:34

I am so sorry.

What a horrid shock for you and what a complete cockhead he is.

OnlyWantsOneFartleBerry · 26/11/2009 20:36

O gosh how horrid, hope things work out for you.

Washersaurus · 26/11/2009 20:37

Oh you poor thing, what a shitty way to find out!

I have been in a very similar situation pre-children and would recommend getting some time away to get your head straight and decide what YOU want (if that is possible).

Do get mad, but do try to listen to your H too. It is very easy for a relationship to fall into a rut and reach this point, and it takes a strong couple (and lots of time) to work through it and carry on together happily.

Whatever H says it is not your fault alone and what he has done is wrong wrong wrong. Try not to dwell on who else knew about the affair - it will drive you insanity!

RnB · 26/11/2009 20:37

Washersaurus · 26/11/2009 20:38

*to insanity

bogie · 26/11/2009 20:40

I can't be much help as if it was my dp I would punch him in the face as soon as he came in, but hopfully your a much calmer person than me and you will be able to sort this out.

macdoodle · 26/11/2009 20:40

Its not your fault he CHOSE to fuck another woman and if he tries to blame you, kick his arse out the door!!
The only way you can get through this, if thats what you want, is if HE accepts full responsibilty for his actions, and accepts anything you want or need, then you can BOTH work on your marriage!!

TWAT!!

abedelia · 26/11/2009 20:41

What a vile twat. At least he admitted it without you having to hunt about for proof while feeling like you are going mad.

As for calling the husband a 'nasty manipulating whatever', well he would say that as he will have been looking to justify his nasty behaviour and I am sure the OW told him all sorts whether it was true or not in order to convince him their relationship was over and she truly was available.

You are in deep shock at the moment - is there anyone who can come and help you with the children?

Mumfun · 26/11/2009 20:42

Poor you - its awful. Dont do anything rash immediately. But do get mad if you want to.

hes a tosser -anyone who does this is.

AboardtheAxiom · 26/11/2009 20:42

how awful for you

It sounds like you were as unhappy as your H was, and you were thinking you should split up anyway when the kids were older (never stay together for dcs BTW). What would need to improve from your POV in your marriage for you to be happy?

Sleeping with some skinny woman from his sports club would be a deal breaker for me personally!

If he lists all your 'faults' please do not think this is all your fault (I let my ex do this for far too long). He could have asked you to go to relate with him, worked on improving things, etc. Please don't let him lay all the blame at your feet.

Think about yourself and what you want and take sometime to do so, take care.

TheInvisibleManDidIt · 26/11/2009 20:43

Oh so sorry! What a twat.

OrmIrian · 26/11/2009 20:43

What a twat! So sorry.

abedelia · 26/11/2009 20:43

PS I can understand why her husband did it - imho you had a right to know and it was probably the only way he could think of to contact you. There is NO good way to find out...

Mumfun · 26/11/2009 20:46

yes dont blame her H. Its better to know than not - I know it may not feel like it right now ((()))

Lizzylou · 26/11/2009 20:47

YOu were obviously having concerns about your marriage, but honestly it matters not a jot that the other woman was thin or whatever and most importantly despite you being unhappy, you didn't go out and shag someone else, did you? You are not at fault, truly.

I do hope you have some rl support and that you can get through this.

curvychick · 26/11/2009 20:49

Sounds like he was being nasty about 'your faults' to clear his own grubby little conscience, what a cruel cruel thing to do. I am so so sorry you are going through this, and all the while trying to hold it together in front of your dc.

Blaming OW husband by calling him names, what a TWUNT.

Leslaki · 26/11/2009 20:50

I am so sorry - I have been in your position but I knew that was it, the marriage was over. As the others have said, you need to work out what it is that YOU want, not him. Do not take the blame for this - he chose to sleep with another woman and break his marriage vows. He obviously hasn't trying very hard to work thisngs out with you - he chose the easy option. But yes, you need to get angry because how dare he treat you like this! You are the mother of his children and he should damn well respect you for that if not for yourself.
Don't give him the satisfaction of telling him what you are going to do tonight - your head is pobably all over hte place anyway. You might want to keep in touch with her husband - if he throws her out and you and your H choose to make a go of it, you might want to know her marital status. If you get what I mean? Also he may have more details for you - like how long, how often etc. MY ex claimed he wasn't seeing his OW and lied for months - her EX told me they'd been seeing each other for about a year but he wasn't aware my X was married!

Good luck whatever you decide to do - take care.

Monty100 · 26/11/2009 20:50

You poor thing. This is horrible. Get the whole truth out of him. That's the very least you deserve.

I have no advice, my dh cheated on me with my very close friend and I kicked him to the kerb straight away. We're all different. The thing is, even if the marriage wasn't made in heaven it still hurts like hell when they deceive you like this.

All I can offer is sympathy and I am sorry to hear this, and we're all here to listen to you. Take care.

zebramummy · 26/11/2009 20:51

really sorry for you - affairs by either party can cause so much heartache - that is why i would never go there personally. it honestly exposes the horrible human beings of this world for who they really are

theslightlypeckishcaterpillar · 26/11/2009 20:51

So sorry. What a nightmare, do you have any rl friends who can come round to support you? If not tonight then tomorrow?

PandaEis · 26/11/2009 20:56

oh bloody hell!! poor you!!

i hope your H comes home truelly repentant and not in the blame it on DW mode that so many men adopt!! what an arsehole!!

TBH this is a deal breaker situation for me and i have made this clear to my DH if he ever decided to stray it would be the end of our relationship for good!!

i hope you can decided what you want/need and dont let him trap you in the 'jumping through hoops to please him' game. HE is the one who has done wrong and HE is the one who- if YOU decide to let him-has to jump through hoops to please YOU. definitely not the other way around

chattermouse · 26/11/2009 20:57

Oh good God. You poor, poor woman. We all really feel for you right i can promise you.

What a fucking cock your husband is. He has endangered your relationship, your sons stability, your financial position, everything you have worked for together. I would truly struggle not to punch him in the face when he walks through the door. Agree with earlier posters who say don't take this lying down, get fucking mad with the twat. Don't let him blame you, treat you like a doormat or pave the way for behaving like this again. take some time to decide if there is anything left to salvage now he has pissed all over your wedding vows. I really hope you have a friend or some family who can look after you and hug you tonight.

As for the other woman's husband. i would probably call him to thank him. You finding out has to be better than him carrying on behind your back. Thanks to this man your husband has had his dirty little secret ruined.

And finally, don't worry about the fact the other woman is thin. On the inside she is obviously as cruel, selfish and ugly as fuck .

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 26/11/2009 20:58

Huge sympathy shocked - what a horrible day for you. You will be in shock right now, I'm sure. Take some time to think and don't be rushed into a decision just yet. Re. the H, he probably didn't have any other means of contacting you and you will thank him for this one day - clearly your H would never had admitted this without his intervention. It is not your fault - and it is not OW's H's fault. Trying to shift any blame on to either of you is despicable on the part of your H.

BitOfFun · 26/11/2009 21:06

I am so so sorry- he is a vile cowardly snake, you don't deserve this: don't let him make this your fault.

anothermum92 · 26/11/2009 21:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

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