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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

messsage on facebook saying my husband having affair

84 replies

shocked1111111 · 26/11/2009 18:37

Have named changed for obvious reasons, if anyone recognises me because of my posting style, please do not out me I am in total shock.
I log on occasionally to facebook, and did so casually tonight.
There was a message in my inbox left yesterday from someone I don't know, saying his wife has been having an affair with my husband for some time.
I assumed he must have got wrong person, but I recognised wife's first name as someone at my husband's sports club who I have suspected fancied him. She split up with her husband this summer and I joked with DH that she would get her claws into him next.
DH amd I have not been getting on well for ages, and I have often thought we would split up when the children are grown up - just wasn't expecting it so soon.
So has come as a shock, but I suppose not a surprise.
Am hurt that a complete stranger ( the husband I mesn) can just post soemthing shocking like that to a complete stranger. As it is I have to drive tonight to collect DS from cubs, and am shaking like crazy.

Sorry this is rambling - can't think who to talk to about it, as all my friends know Dh, and are mostly parents of our children's friends.
Have deleted that man's message - do not want to phone the number he left to hear his 'proof' why would I???Left a message for DH to call me. He has not called me back and I wonder if D (the 'other woman') has been told by her husband and she has told DH to be prepared?

What do I say to DH when he gets home or calls me back?

OP posts:
groundhogs · 26/11/2009 21:48

If he wants to stay married to you, he better start bloody well acting like it.

1: leaving that sports club today, letter in post tomorrow latest.

2: The skinny bint gets kicked to the kerb. Today. He tells her that he wants nothing more to do with her.

3: couples counselling

Unless the first 2 of these are carried out this weekend, you need to tell him he is toast.

I am so so very very sorry, this is heartbreaking, reminds me of the day my mum found out about our dad. It was by phone back then, from some crone, but I suppose FB is the modern equivalent.

Be strong, don't let this crush you. Sending you all my heartfelt love and best wishes.

ilovemydogandmrobama · 26/11/2009 21:59

no, he should jump through hoops. Not you.

You haven't done anything wrong.

Asshole.

Rindercella · 26/11/2009 22:10

Agree - you should not be the one jumping through hoops here, your H needs to be doing that if he has any desire to save your marriage. Yes, you may not have been a 'perfect' wife (who is?), but he is the one shagging someone else behind your back = he is the one who has behaved appallingly.

I am so sorry you are going through this and wish you all the strength in the world. x

Quattrofangs · 26/11/2009 22:21

I'm sorry,

You do know it isn't your fault, don't you? Do let yourself be angry.

Good luck

dearprudence · 26/11/2009 22:32

What a horrible situation. So sorry

Ivykaty44 · 26/11/2009 23:10

he better do some serious hoop jumping or else

eeww at skinny, tis not a nice look

sowhatis · 27/11/2009 08:40

thats so awful. hoping your ok xxxx

addictedtolatte · 27/11/2009 08:41

so sorry you have to go through this. i was in a simalar position last week i found my dp on match.com while i was trying to find a date for my friend. so i know what your going through. good luck and dont have him mess with your head and let him blame you for anything. its all his fault not yours.

GibbonInARibbon · 27/11/2009 08:47

How awful so sorry, stay strong.

GibbonInARibbon · 27/11/2009 08:48

Bloody hell addicted how awful too! how did you find him? pure chance?

addictedtolatte · 27/11/2009 09:01

gibbininaribbon the age group i was looking for was his age so the match.com suggested this person who happened to be my dp. i nearly choked on my butty.

GibbonInARibbon · 27/11/2009 09:06

Bloody hell!

morningpaper · 27/11/2009 09:14

OMG

CJCregg · 27/11/2009 09:20

Shocked, so sorry to hear what has happened.

Can I say one thing? It seems to me that if you are that unhappy about it, you do want to make your marriage work and it isn't a totally lost cause. Don't jump straight to 'right, that's it, it's over' unless you really are sure there's nothing worth saving.

(My exH had a fling when we were still married and it was the fact that I wasn't heartbroken that made me realise the love was gone and the marriage over.)

Good luck. I'm glad you're getting lots of support on here.

CJCregg · 27/11/2009 09:21

addicted, that is just horrible. I'm so sorry.

chattermouse · 27/11/2009 09:26

How are you feeling today, OP (shocked111)?

I hope that you managed to get some rest last night and that things look a tiny bit brighter for you today.

Chickenshavenolips · 27/11/2009 09:29

Get angry, OP. Get very, very angry.

countingto10 · 27/11/2009 09:56

Shocked111, I'm not going to ask if you are ok as you will be far from ok . This happened to me 6/7 months ago - the shock and trauma were unbearable at times (I even phoned the Samaritans at one point).

First of all it is not your fault, your H has to take full responsibility. Everyone has problems in their marriage, not everyone has an affair. Try not to make any major decisions (unless your hand is forced) for the next 3/6 months, until the initial shock has worn off and your head is a bit straighter. Have a look at this website www.beyondaffairs.com - I found it very useful, helped me understand what I was feeling and why the affair could have happened. The book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass is also very good apparently.

All contact with OW has to cease and he has to be an open book from now on - a person with nothing to hide, hides nothing. So he has to let you have unfettered access to his emails, mobile (check if he has a second phone - my DH had one), facebook a/c (my DH deleted his completely) etc. And he has to leave the sports club. I wouldn't be surprised if OW engineered the affair to some extent, you said she fancied him and she left her H in the summer (my DH's OW kick her H out to make way for mine). My DH had no real emotional attachment to OW so he easily gave her up - he was attracted to how she made him feel IYSWIM. Remember this says more about your H than it does about you.

Take care.

ladylush · 27/11/2009 10:51

Some great advice here so nothing new to add but just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are in this situation Be kind to yourself and do not blame yourself. This is not your fault.

Mumfun · 27/11/2009 14:38

Hope you are finding support for yourself today Shocked.

And Addicted -that is awful - unbelievable -hope you have some support too -think you need your own thread !

Pushingonthrough · 27/11/2009 18:52

Thinking of you, Shocked. Big cyber hugs

FabIsVeryLucky · 27/11/2009 18:59

What is it with some husbands?

NormaStanleyFletcher · 27/11/2009 19:08

This is probably the last thing from your mind, but do get yourself to the GUM clinic too.

Try to eat

So sorry this is happening to you

busybutterfly · 27/11/2009 23:28

Thinking of you.

tiredoftherain · 28/11/2009 19:55

Shocked, reading this has made me shake. This is pretty much exactly what happened to me a few months back. I remember throwing up from the shock (OW's H phoned first, then sent an email of "proof".) It was hideous, and I packed the car and dc's up and went straight off to stay with a friend. I couldn't face H for a few days, I knew instantly it was true.

I am so glad OW's H contacted me. He's since told me how difficult it was to do, and was very emotional when he first made the call as he knew the effect it would have. I now speak to him several times a week (bizarre I know, but he understands all this better than anyone else and has turned out to be lovely) and it's been useful on so many levels - we've worked out all sorts of things and it's helped me understand I wasn't going crazy.

It even emerged that she once came to our house and actually had a day out with H and the dc's while I was at a family funeral.. that makes me so mad I can't put it into words, and determined to get absolutely the best divorce settlement possible!!