Huge row - anyone else's husband resentful of you being SAHM?

[skinsl]

My DH thinks I have it easy. Resigned when I was pregnant, and DS is now 2, and I have not gone back to work, and he agreed.Plan was to have another on the way by now, but had a couple of miscarriages so not happened yet. Yesterday we had a huge row, which lasted all day, with allsorts of issues coming out. Basically he is very resentful that I have it so easy. And he claimed that I can't do anything right anyway and all DS does is watch TV and I sit on my arse all day. Seriously, that is what he thinks. He is pissed off because DS still has dummy, that he asks for certain tv programmes and that he threw his food on the floor. DS is adorable, hard work and tiring but lovely. How do I get him to understand that it is hard work? This is a major issue.. he thinks he works so hard (he does) and I just spend all the money. (i don't!)

TBH, it sounds more like parenting issues and he disagrees with some of the things you do.

Is he worried about money? Does he enjoy his job? My DP works and I look after 2 DDs. Sometimes he remarks that all I get to do is play all day and I agree that I enjoy my unpaid work in the home just as he enjoys his paid work away from home. He's got it easy! I'd love to come home to a cooked dinner, tidy house and children ready for bed!

Well, when I read your thread it rang a few bells!

It was a simailar scenario in our home a little while ago.

I really resented the innuendo (sp) that 'I did nothing' and I didn't contribute financially to the household - though to me I was doing one of the most important jobs in the world. I still feel this.

Sadly, this and other reasons mean that I am, at present, in the middle of divorcing my ex-husband.

It grinds you down in the end.

that's not the main issue really.. but yes he doesn't like some things. the dummy is an issue, but we are trying.. DS only has it for bed now, and we are practising throwing it away.. but DH doesn't put him to bed or have to deal with him all day. And I try and try everyday to teach DS manners with food, but DS has no clue.. he thinks you can tell him to go to bed.. or say you can't have any toys!

He earns a very good salary, but we still have debts, which will be repaid soon. he is very stressed about money and he hates his job, it is very high pressure. I know I am very fortunate to be able to stay at home,I love it, but he says I never thank him, and don't appreciate it. I feel heart sorry for him most of the time,he does work so hard and misses out on a lot with DS, but he takes it out on me!

There are a few issues here but it sounds like he is finding life stressful and blaming you because he thinks you have an easy life. Because you are the main carer of you ds, your dh feels he can blame you for everything that is 'wrong' with your ds, and bare none of the paretning responsibility himself.

Does he ever look after your ds? Does he know what is involved in keeping house and being a full time mother?

How did he feel after your miscarriages? The same happened to me and it was very stressful for our relationship.

He says you never thank him or show him appreciation, but does he ever show you appreciation for your job as SAHM, and for going through miscarriages?

Bringing up children IS WORK - and bloody hard work at that. I don't care what anyone else says. Yes, I worked in a stressful job for 10 years before I had DC's and now am a SAHM, and I can appreciate what DH goes through with his work on a daily basis. But the stresses and hardships of looking after children all day every day are just (if not more) difficult - they are just different. You don't have any time to yourself at all - not to think, not to sit down and eat, or drink, or even go to the toilet in peace! There is no way you DH can know what you have gone through for two years. EVen if he took over the childcare for a week, he wouldn't know, because he always has the escape back to work the next week! The difficulies and hardships are ACCUMALATIVE! there is no respite. I feel for you, I really do. I'm lucky that DH is supportive and doesn't give me any grief. This nonsense males spout about 'all you do is sit and watch telly all day' - Blimey, chance would be a fine thing! I often don't get to sit down properly until the DC's are in bed! I hope you get to sort things out. My best wishes are with you.

He is very stressed, unbelievably so, and we have talked about it, and there are a couple of things that will happen over the next couple of months to make things easier.. hours,staffing, money etc. He looks after DS, plays, goes to the park, but not for any length of time, and no doesn't do the feeding/cleaning/discipline stuff.
He was very supportive when I miscarried, they were both very early. I'm very pragmatic,so didn't really dwell on them, he's probably more emotional.

Why should you thank him for bringing up his child? Does he thank you for the hours of unpaid childcare, cleaning, cooking and housekeeping that you do? If he has issues with his job, then he needs to address those, and you could help him with that if he lets you, but he's using your SAHM as a punching bag and that's very unfair.

yeah Belgo, he never says thank you to me!
Chick- maybe I will show him what you said, thank you. That's what I can't make him understand, that you don't have a spare minute. I try and tell him what I do, but it never comes out right. My sky+ is up to 80% cos i never get a chance to watch tv. He had a go at me for reading a book. it was the first book I have read in a year, and I used to read one a day on holiday before DS!!!

Being a mother is the hardest thing I have ever done and I used to work long hours in a tough male dominated environment in the City. i have never been more tired. But it is lovely and i wouldn't change it for the world

It sounds like he needs help to cope with the stress of his life, because it's very unfair to take it out on you.

Skins1
Do you mind if I ask you about the dummy?
I used on for about 2 weeks with DS1 because I felt like I should have YSWIM. Then I questioned why I used it and I asked my mum Did she use one on us? She said for same reason I did and how she stopped was one day 'accidently on purpose' stood on it and said 'oh dear, it's broke. And that was that! Apparently I cried for a bit but soon got used to it not being there,
I don't know if that would work for you?

My thought's are if a child still is using a dummy at 2 wouldn't this have an affect on them learning to talk and interact through conversation. I'm not having a go . I am genuinely asking.

sorry i think it must be very hard to be in a job you hate and having to support the whole family on your own. it sounds as though he no longer agrees that you should not work. both parties need to sign up for the deal really for it to work without recrminations. would you go back to work? if not then i thinky you are being somewhat unreasonable.

however, that being said, he is not dealing with his issues in a constructive way. i think you both need to sit down and discuss the situation calmly together. his treatment of you is not good, and you should both appreciate eachother's contribution in the ideal world.

Skin, you could try what we did with DS1 when we wanted him to give up his dummy. We spoke for about a week about the dummy fairy and how he/she was going to be coming soon to collect DS's dummies to give to all the little babies who needed them, but she would leave a little present for DS. Then after a week of this, DS and I went round the house getting all the dummies together, we put them in a little box and wrapped it up and put it by his bed. In the morning, the dummy fairy had been, had taken the dummies but left DS a little present. And thankfully that was that!
Twopeople, DH is often like this - will have the boys for a day or whatever, then will tell me how hard it is and he's thankful he's going back to work the next day, but soon forgets what it was like! And that's just one day! . Don't get me wrong, I love my boys and wouldn't change anything for the world, but it is hard work and men should realise it! All we want is a little bit of understanding and appreciation!

upahill- I know lots of people don't like dummies. DS had one until 4/5 months then wasn't interested, for the life of me i can't remember why he went back to it. It has never been an issue for me, he has never had it all day, just to go to sleep, its a comfort thing now, doesn't even suck it that much.I know it would be quicker to do something like that, but the whingeing wouldn't be worth it, I would rather he did it himself, he's doing good i think. It's only been a couple of days.
bossy- yes I think you are right, we are looking at me going back to work, it's just never seemed worth it as we were trying for another baby, but that doesn't seem to be happening now.

I think we are going to get some counselling help to get us through this

There's no doubt that being a SAHM can be a hard task, but going out to work every day in a high pressured job is stressful too!

I don't think there's anything to be gained for either of you by being competitive about who has it the hardest. You both need to appreciate what the other one does - it's about respect.

Have you tried talking to him about it? Not in a combative way, but in a way that shows him you do understand the pressure that he is under? You want him to know where you're coming from, but you have to hear what he has to say too!

Do you work hard to not overspend? Sometimes people get bent out of shape if they feel like they are working too hard to earn money while the other is blowing through it super fast. Not suggesting that you do this, just asking in case he feels this way.

It sounds like you both need to sit down and have a long talk. But it works best if you can approach it by trying to see both points of view. If he is feeling a lot of pressure and stress in trying to support the family maybe he is feeling like the load isn't being fairly balanced. True or false, the feeling needs to be addressed. Trying to understand him, and trying to help him understand YOUR position could mean that you are both much happier with things.

Why don't you swap roles? He can be a stay at home dad and you can go back to the city job. Mabe he'll be happy then?!

I hear this all the time. My ex said I wanted to keep my baby because I was too lazy to work! Hence he's my ex.

Well the difference can be that at least as a SAHM you can choose when and depending on the job, if you do it that day.

Plus can get out to park/toddler group/friend.

I do think there can be a lot of flexibility tbh.

i notice you've had miscarriages - does he resalise that even if you'd been at work , you may have taken much time off anyway?

i think he is being very mean.

do you have to be pregnant to be justified in not working in his eyes? it's not like you aren't trying....

my dad was v much like this to my mum...they don't see your work, so they don't believe it happens.

(note cbeebies is on, and am indeed seated on posterior.)

It is so difficult not to be competitive about who has the hardest life.
If it is at all possible I would encourage you to try and leave your DC with your DH for a full day at the very least. It is only when we (the mums!) step back and leave it 100% to our DHs, that they have a true picture of what is involved. My DH was glad to get back to work this week after a full day looking after the DCs (and he didn;t even do any housework!).
However, SAHMs also need to remember the stresses of the work place. It is hard to relate to such a bizarre concept as an office job when you are at home with toddlers all day !
And you can tell your DH that thumb-sucking is even worse. My 3.5yo DD sucks hers (seemingly) all the time, and unfortunately I can't give her thumb to the thumb fairy!!!

Skins, when we first had DS1 and it was all new and stressful, total shock to the system, DH couldn't really get his head round the difficulties I was facing as a new mum. And it's hard for men to get their head round it as essentially life goes on as normal for them on a day to day basis, whereas for us ladies, it's a totally different ball game. We had many 'arguments' about what seemed like trivial things, but he just wasn't 'hearing' me. So in the end I wrote him a letter, getting all my feelings down on paper, even down the the physical stress of carrying a 10lb baby round all day whilst trying to keep the house tidy etc! This really helped us as he was able to finally 'take it in' - writing a letter is such an old fashioned concept that it actually means something that you have gone to the effort of doing it. A couple of my friends have gone through similar things when they had their first baby and I gave them the same advice and it worked for them . Maybe this is something you could try?

I used to try to make dp understand that I do quite a lot during the day, but then it just seemed he was getting stressed at work and then getting grief from me at home.
I find being at home to be a job for sure, but an enjoyable one and I think DP likes the fact that I am happy with what I do. I try to tell him every day the good things we've done e.g. been to park/playgroup etc. That way he knows I've been busy, but it's not something I'm complaining about.
If you're not happy with what you do and he's not happy with what he's doing you might find you're competing for misery!
You are allowed to admit you've had some fun in the day! If you're not having any, then maybe you can focus on that? You can't make him enjoy his days, but you can do something about yours. He might feel all his work is worth it if at least you and your ds are happy.
On dummies: My dd sucks her thumb so we tell her she is allowed to in bed but that's all. If she sucks it I ask her if she's tired I can happily take her to bed - she usually takes it out then! We do still have to tell her at least 20 times a day though!!! At least you can take a dummy away.