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Original poster

Huge row - anyone else's husband resentful of you being SAHM?

67 replies

skinsl · 26/11/2009 16:54

My DH thinks I have it easy. Resigned when I was pregnant, and DS is now 2, and I have not gone back to work, and he agreed.Plan was to have another on the way by now, but had a couple of miscarriages so not happened yet. Yesterday we had a huge row, which lasted all day, with allsorts of issues coming out. Basically he is very resentful that I have it so easy. And he claimed that I can't do anything right anyway and all DS does is watch TV and I sit on my arse all day. Seriously, that is what he thinks. He is pissed off because DS still has dummy, that he asks for certain tv programmes and that he threw his food on the floor. DS is adorable, hard work and tiring but lovely. How do I get him to understand that it is hard work? This is a major issue.. he thinks he works so hard (he does) and I just spend all the money. (i don't!)

OP posts:

Earthstar · 27/11/2009 19:28

Of course your dh needs to understand that he may need to do more housework and parenting if you are working too.

bourboncreme · 27/11/2009 19:41

I have dh with stressful job and long hours and I work part time so I know what you mean about dh feeling only he knows the definition of hard work.

I definately think you need to encourage your dh to do a bit more realistic sole childcare so he understands how restrictive it actually is but you also need to remember that you are a SAHM that stands for Stay at Home MUM,not wife, laundry maid ,head cook ,bottlewasher and general dogsbody !!

LillianGish · 27/11/2009 20:34

"He is very stressed about money and he hates his job" - I think that is the crux of the problem. "Basically he is very resentful that I have it so easy" - I think what he resents is probably the fact that you enjoy being a sahm. I can't think of anything worse than having to work long hours in a job I hated. If you hated being a sahm you could get a job (even a part-time one). He doesn't have any get-out and that's probably why he thinks you have it easy.
My dh works very long and unpredictable hours in a job he loves - he knows he wouldn't be able to do that job with all the last minute travel, weekend work and constant moving it entails unless I was home looking after the kids.
He sometimes moans I have it easy and when he's getting up at 5.30am/ working until 4am/working 12 days without a day off I think he has a point. Not because being a sahm isn't hard work at times, just that it's so lovely to be in control of your own time and (imo) much nicer than doing a "proper" job..
"I'm just upset that he has said these things and not sure I can forget them now they have been said." If it were me I'd just put it down to him letting off steam. Obviously I don't know him, but from what you've said on here - he was supportive over the miscarriages, he was upset he'd upset you so much, 95% of the time he's OK - he sounds like a decent bloke who does a hard job.
All the stuff about ds having a dummy/watching too much tv is par for the course when one of you is doing the lions share of the parenting. The sort of lack of appreciation you'd get in any job from someone who doesn't really know what's involved. But dumping ds on him for a day so he can see what it's like is a fairly pointless exercise imo. I think you need more mini-breaks in Cornwall and weekends in France and maybe thinking of a way dh can enjoy his job more or find one he does like.

LillianGish · 27/11/2009 20:35

Sorry - didn't realise I'd written so much

anothermum92 · 27/11/2009 21:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

tiredoftherain · 27/11/2009 21:55

Same as janestillhere, this was actually cited by XH as an example of "unreasonable behaviour" on the divorce petition which I had the pleasure of receiving this week. Apparently H went out to work and I just spent his money on trivial things... never mind looking after 2 dc's under the age of on my own while he worked away all week.

It was a recurring argument for us, and seemed particularly unfair as H had moved us 300 miles from my old job, away from family so I had no childcare backup, and we also have a dc with SN. Yet I was unreasonable for not going back to work full time...

I don't know what the answer to this actually is, I agree that doing a week here or there doesn't reflect reality at all. I think some men just have a resentful streak which seems to come out during this time, lots of my friends are experiencing similar with their dh's. Unfortunately mine was already a twunt, it just made him worse!

diddl · 28/11/2009 07:35

Well I can see how OPs husband feels.

I don´t have the "earning power" of my husband,but if I did,I think he might be thinking it could as well be him as me at home with the children.

If we could swap, he would in an instant!

Earthstar · 28/11/2009 08:04

I think being a sahm is a lot easier, nicer and less tiring than being a working mum for most (but not all )women, so I think you have it good and would be delighted to have this option myself. It is certainly far better than slaving at a stressful job you don't like so I'm not suprised your dh is jealous.

If you are a working dh it is generally much less tiring and stressful if your dw is a sahm than it is having a dw who works too.

I know sahms don't have things easy compared to women with no children, but compared to non sahm I think it is a comparitively easy lifestyle unless money is. Really tight.

anothermum92 · 28/11/2009 20:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

diddl · 28/11/2009 20:11

I guess it depends on the children.

I have to say I found being at home with a toddler & a newborn a doddle!

labyrinthine · 28/11/2009 20:21

skinsl this rings bells ~ I was a sahm for years having previously loved work ~ I am now back at work and I canhonestly tell you work is much easier because time goes by so quickly and it's fun.I loved being with the dcs but then you are at the mercy of you h coming home and telling you you have it easy.

Don't want to depress you but my thread does not make happy reading.

Dominique07 · 29/11/2009 11:50

I think he needs to use a week of his holidays to be at home with the kids while you sign up to a short course and so you can 'reverse roles' for a 5 day period. He is feeling jealous and probably guilty that his assigned role as man of the house means he doesn't get to spend all that time with his children.
I've had my time out at work while my DP was at home with Ds and I felt very resentful, especially as mum I wanted to be with my DC.
Its hard for him because he loves his kids. And you of course, but at the moment he is seeing you as the lucky one who gets to be a real parent. You need to reassure him and let him spend time with DC.

forehead · 29/11/2009 12:30

Being a SAHM is bloody hard work. I have gone back to work for a REST.

PlanetEarth · 29/11/2009 14:52

Get a job on a Saturday, you will be earning some money and he will realise what it's like looking after the kids on his own. Win all round!

Tryharder · 29/11/2009 14:56

I don't get some men. Just because he's having a hard time at work, does that mean you and your DS should suffer as well? I appreciate that he has reason to complain if he's coming home to a filthy house and no dinner but if you're doing all the childcare and housework, what's his gripe? If you don't need to work, why should you and what would be the point as presumably a large slice of your wages would be spent on childcare costs. Is your DH really so bitter and twisted that he would prefer your DS to be cared for in a nursery from 7 - 7 by strangers rather than at home with the person who is best able to care for him i.e you just so he can, in his own mind, even the score a bit. Show him my post.

Laquitar · 29/11/2009 17:09

I don' think his issue is you not working. It is more to do with him not liking his job plus having a toddler.

Maybe he compares his life now with life before children, of course was easier then when you both worked. But now even if you worked it wouldn't be easier for him.

Does he know the cost and the stress that childcare involves? Would he be happy to pay £100 a day for a nanny (and deal with replacements etc)? Would he be happy to drop and/or collect ds from nursery? To take time off when the child is ill?

I think he is just unhappy with his job and was perhaps expecting more moral support. (i am not saying that you are not giving him support)

Original poster

skinsl · 30/11/2009 14:56

I don't think me going back to work will solve the problems, it is just the only way to even the playing field, if you like!
He knows he would rather me stay at home to bring up DS than a nanny.
And I wasn't trying to play SAHM against DH tough job, there are pros and cons for both I think, I don't think one is easier, just different. i guess I just wanted some recognition that it can be hard and that I am not lazy or useless, if I don't get a chance to get everything done to his perfect standards.
had a nice weekend anyway, DS and DH had some quality(!) time together at the park Sat morning
And DH cooked Sat night and I cooked Sun night, sat down with candles and wine... which was lovely.
We have an appointment for counselling on Friday, so things are moving forward.
I am not happy with the way he takes things out on me, and he knows he shouldn't but it's just difficult to stop once he gets worked up... which hopefully we can get sorted before it gets any worse.
thanks for all your posts

OP posts:

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