Huge row - anyone else's husband resentful of you being SAHM?

[skinsl]

My DH thinks I have it easy. Resigned when I was pregnant, and DS is now 2, and I have not gone back to work, and he agreed.Plan was to have another on the way by now, but had a couple of miscarriages so not happened yet. Yesterday we had a huge row, which lasted all day, with allsorts of issues coming out. Basically he is very resentful that I have it so easy. And he claimed that I can't do anything right anyway and all DS does is watch TV and I sit on my arse all day. Seriously, that is what he thinks. He is pissed off because DS still has dummy, that he asks for certain tv programmes and that he threw his food on the floor. DS is adorable, hard work and tiring but lovely. How do I get him to understand that it is hard work? This is a major issue.. he thinks he works so hard (he does) and I just spend all the money. (i don't!)

I do feel for you and your DH skisl.

The reason why, is because you clearly love being a SAHM, but if he really hates his job then it might be that he sees you 'forcing' him to stay in his current position. I know I don't enjoy my job when I have to do full time, but can cope when doing 2days a week only and I LOVE being a mum the rest of the time. I would be deeply resentful of DH if he was a t home being a SAHD and 'made' me work full time at my job.

Is there any middle ground to this? Could you go back part time and him give up a bit of his time at his job? This might take the stress off both of you. It must be very hard to know you have to go into a job that stresses you out every day.

I am so sorry about the MCs. That would really put a strain on any relationship.

You both agreed that you wouldn't work - it's not up to one person to decide that another should work or not. Has he changed his mind about you not working and if so why? Would your working make him feel better about himself. If you were to work would be pick up the slack in terms of looking afer ds?

If you value what your doing and can afford to live on one income carry one and make it clear that your role at home is valuable and his role at work is valuable.

I've worked since having ds - then stopped work - I can honestly say I'm equally stressed working or staying at home with little one. Grass is always greener and all that.

Try not to let this argument drag on - state the facts - ask what he wants from you then talk it through.

I'm not sure if her getting a part time job would be the answer. If her dh doesn't think she does anything as a SAHM, I very much doubt if he would do his fair share of the childcare chores, even if she went back to work, because he simply doesn't understand how much work there is to do as a SAHM.

Does your DH get some time at the weekend when it is just him and DS? I am lucky enough to have my DH looking after my 2 for 1/2 a day in the week (while I work)and I know it gives him a huge insight into how hard/fab it can be! Maybe some more boy time might open his eyes a bit.
PS on the dummy front, my DS used a dummy (at sleep time) til he was 4 and he never stops bloody talking!!

95% of the time we can talk calmly and sensibly about the stresses and strains we both go through. It's just sometimes when it gets too much and the stuff that comes out shows how resentful he is. Sometimes i honestly think that he would like me to be unhappy back at work, just to prove a point.Which upsets me.

I used to do what he does so I understand it to a degree, but he is now much more senior so has all the stress that comes from hiring/firing.
I would swap roles for a while if it would help, but realistically he can earn more than double what I could earn.

I don't want to seem competitive, we don't row about this all the time, but I just need to show him that what I do is worthwhile.

Harecare, I'm not unhappy being at home, far from it, sorry, just said I am more tired than before when I was working 60 hours a week! And I am not complaining, I never complain about anything.

chick-i like the idea of writing it all down, maybe i will try that.

And i like the idea of him spending a whole day with Ds, it's not that he's not willing, it's just never really happened. Just weekends we all spend time together

lou-i try very hard not to overspend, I juggle all the money and take a lot of that stress myself and don't even let him know half the time.. i do all the groceries and everything that DS needs/clothes nappies etc.
He transfers money over, I never ask for anymore and he has twice that amount to live on for the month.

I only mentioned the miscarriages because they are relevant in the context of going back to work. I really didn't suffer physically that much... both were really early, 5 & 6 weeks, but we are having investigations so i suppose that's a bit of a strain.

I'm sorry, I really don't want to seem like I am complaining, I'm really not, I'm just upset that there really is an underlying resentment there.

Financial issues caused my DH to behave like this. He was under some pressure from FIL too it turned out - who had been quite vocal to DH in his beliefs that I am a lazy so and so staying at home.

Sadly, I don't think there is anyway to change this opinion tbh. I've had to plan a full-time return to work, but don't yet see how that will work with chores and juggling childcare etc.

I do think that its just mostly his pressure coming out. can you talk it through and tell how it made you feel?

When you were both working in the same field, there must have been lots in common, plenty of money, cameraderie etc - now he has to keep the whole household financially afloat on his own, and that must be terrifying. The grass is always greener and of course he has no idea what your life is like, how could he possibly?

Seems to me there's a lot of separation in your relationship - you keep a lot of stress to yourself and don't let him know, he's clearly very stressed and it doesn't sound like either of you has had much opportunity to grieve for your losses.

It sounds trite but is there any way you could take some time out, get a babysitter and go away for a weekend, just to talk some of these things through?

he's still at work, but I can tell by his voice he is sorry, and upset that he has upset me so much. i'm so tired, stayed up til 2.30 am doing stuff to try and show I am not useless.
I'm sure it will all be fine, we will talk. I just want to show him i am not useless. I'm just upset that he has said these things and not sure I can forget them now they have been said.
We've just been away actually, had lovely 4 days in Cornwall all together, and then mum looked after DS and we went to South of France for 3 days. Was lovely. Very lucky.

I think it's really difficult to explain exactly what you mean on here!!

Skinsl: I think your DH should try being at home for a day or two with your DC and see how he likes it.

DP had his first day off work since DS was born (in July) last week and couldn't believe how hard it was.

Re: the dummy, did you suggest that your DC give it to Santy in exchange for presents? My sister did this and it worked wonders

i think giving the dummy to santa is a great idea, but think he's just a bit too young.. he doesn't know who Santa is yet, but i guess he might do by Xmas Eve!

OK, hope it all goes ok, glad you had time away.

It sounds here like you have a very unequal relationship and it wasn't always like that. It's hard not to equate money and power and that's what has crept up on you. Because your DH is the family breadwinner he holds all the cards - he gives you a budget which isn't quite enough and presumably leaves you having to ask for any extra for clothes/treats, whereas I'm sure he doesn't ask you. You are left feeling you have to prove yourself by showing a tidy house, well behaved child (as if THAT was in anyone's control for a 2 year old!) and pennies left over. You never distress him by revealing your worries. I bet you never forget his mum's birthday! Have you accidentally slipped back to 1950? or 1850?

That is all out of balance. The way I see it, you have given up your earning power to be a mum to his and your baby, which is the best possible thing for baby and a huge sacrifice for you. Your DH's part of the bargain is to support the whole family financially, as well as all the pleasures and responsibilities of being a dad. I am aghast that 2/3 of his pay packet is his own whilst you are struggling to budget. You should certainly work out a budget between you that includes an allowance (to replace what you have given up) for your own clothes and treats.

FWIW in our marriage we have had joint accounts from day one, through days of one being a student/unemployed to the other being a SAHM, IMHO that is just give and take. If one person has to be accountable for spending (not a bad thing in itself) it has to work both ways.

But it all comes down to communication. Find an evening together, pour a couple of big glasses of wine, and actually let the other person talk for 10 minutes without being interrupted about how they feel and how they would like things to be. Both do this and you might find you rediscover how to figure things out.

I think it sounds like you are both tired and stressed, but you should absolutely not allow this to chip away at your self confidence, or you will never ever feel able to get back to work at some point in the future if you want to.
At the moment, your job is ds, so don't LET your dh make you doubt your parenting techniques - it's your full time job and you know how to do it. Maybe TLAK to him instead, about how children learn, and how best to make them behave?

Good luck.

"Being a mother is the hardest thing I have ever done ...But it is lovely and i wouldn't change it for the world."

So you're doing what you want and you are happy. But he clearly isn't - he says he hates his job, he is struggling with the pressure and he is worried about money.

If I were you I would take some time to try and find out more about how he's feeling, is he really struggling with work pressure or has it just been a bad week, what does he want to change regarding your working/staying at home.

I'd bet he doesn't actually want you back at work and doesn't think you're useless at all - maybe just needs you to know he's not feeling on top of things or soemthing and needs some support from you? He's got a crap way of asking for this I must say, but I wonder whether that is all it's about.

I does sound more as if he is únhappy at work & feels stuck there.

You stayed up til 2.30 doing things to show you are not useless?

Honestly- stop that at once! Why should you exhaust yourself just to make him feel confident in your abilities? He sounds like a right bully to me.

Do talk to him but if he carries on like this do question if you are happy with this 1950's arrangement.

yeah posh, that was a bit silly and stubborn.was upset and angry and just wanted to do something.
things are a lot calmer now, he apologised for upsetting me, and he is sorry for that,but didn't actually take it back.

I think i just need to use a few of your suggestions to show him that I am not doing a bad job.. in fact I'm doing a bloody good job, even if i do say so myself.

I know if it comes to me going back to work he will be upset for DS sake.. so I have to make sure he understands how hard I work.. before I have to prove it by going back to work, if that makes sense!

thanks for all your support and suggestions
like i said, we are going to try and get some counselling for this..

I think you're probably taking this to heart too much tbh (and I know it's very hard not to do that)

I have felt like your dh sometimes. There is nothing worse than working your arse off in a job you don't like while your other half is sat at home with the freedom to choose what they will do with their day. I know, before I get a million posts saying how difficult it is being a SAHM, that it is not that simplistic, but when you are stressed and tired, it really does feel like that.

I would concentrate on helping make his life as stress free as possible and getting through the next few months when all the changes will take place. But I would also try and get him to admit that he is lashing out unnecessarily - sometimes people need to be told what they are doing because they get caught up in such a stress cycle that they can't quite see the wood for the trees.

he doesn't think you are useless, he's just lashing out and making you feel shite because he feels shite. It's a selfish way of coping with how he is feeling and ultimately, sabotaging his chances of having a stress free evening at home. Unfortunately, you need to learn to walk away from comments like that but I know it's hard.

Sometimes people just say what they think will hurt if in a argument/bad mood. I don't think at all that you should feel the need to go back to paid work, you already have a very full time job which you would need to get someone else to do (and pay them) if you went and did something else. Maybe also he has no idea what it is like looking after a baby/child all day. My DH admits that going out to work is easier but I think it took him having them on his own all day to realise.

It's all very well this kind of " work is easier than being a SAHM" kind of viewpoint that many people are expressing here, but work for you dh in this case is not just work, it's the emotional burden of knowing that the responsibility of supporting 3 people lies solely on him.

As BreadandJam said, you're doing what you want to do, while he finacially supports this, and faces a difficult economic climate, which does make people feel they have to toe the line more at work/ do longer hours etc. Incidentally any comments at home along the line that you think it's important that you get the precious time with your DS and you'll never get the chance to do that again while true may make your husband feel worse becasue you're highlighting that your dh is indeed missing out on this unique time...

Yes when you talk to each other you should do this with respect, and maybe when you had your row he didn't do this, but equally it doesn't sound like you've given a lot of thought for the downsides of his position. (Granted this is just based on your posts, so may not reflect realities - apologies if so)

milkmade, I wouldn't dream of saying anything like that to DH, it would just be hurtful.
How am i supposed to support him more?
I do everything at home, I listen to every complaint and stress he has at work, I give him advice when he asks for it,I try to take stress away from him at home. I try and involve him as much as possible with DS, without making him feel like he is missing out.
All through these posts I have acknowledged how hard he works and what a stress it must be, i understand that completely and like I said I feel heart sorry for him.

I am just upset that he can say those things to me.... if I was actually useless and not coping.. then surely he should be supportive and try and help me.. the same way I have tried to help him for the last year.
Sorry.. this is kinda the last straw regarding his stress.. I honestly feel like I have done everything within my power to help him, and he has just thrown it back at me

maybe I am overreacting, it's not really in my nature, maybe people argue like this all the time, maybe I am being too sensitive.

It'll be fine, I'm sure.

I don't think you're overreacting. It's hard when someone you love is wearing you down like this.

I would be quite hard with him and tell him it's not acceptable that he deals with stress this way. That you are incredibly supportive but will not tolerate being spoken to that way.

Ultimately though, it sounds like this won't improve until these steps to reduce the stress (over the next couple of months) have happened.

I think you need to renegotiate how you are going to bring up your family and provide for them. It sounds as though you did this originally, and it has panned out fine for you but not fine for your dh. so it's time to discuss again what would work best for you as a family.

the choices and experiences vary so much between individuals that there is no one recipe for success so things need to be negotiated properly between you both.

I work part time and from my experience being a SAHM may not be easy but it would be an utter doddle compared to my life with work on top of parenting and running a home - for me SAHM would be much less tiring and much less stressful, so I can see where your dh is coming from. However some mums say that they find working easier than being a SAHM so experiences vary a lot.

I think you need to be prepared to try working part time or full time if that is what your dh wants, even if only for a trial period.