Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Was I unfaithful or not?

96 replies

wellwasit · 20/11/2009 17:08

Many years ago- about 15- I had a reunion with an ex. Saw him a few times and we ended up being physical but not full sex- oral sex.

Would you regard this as adultery/infidelity- or like Bill Clinton thinks, is penetrative sex the only definition ( it is in law anyway.)

For me, I stopped short of the final act an drew a line in the sand, but am I kidding myself ?I am still with my DH after 22 years.

OP posts:
hf128219 · 20/11/2009 17:25

I can't believe you even had to ask!

Original poster
wellwasit · 20/11/2009 17:25

I think I wasn't technically unfaithful- I think that penetrative sex is infidelity and so does the law.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/11/2009 17:26

yes, unfaithful

so, what are you gonna do now ?

LIZS · 20/11/2009 17:26

of course

stuffitllllama · 20/11/2009 17:27

Yes, but it's not the worst thing in the world. Make your peace with yourself.

MrsTittleMouse · 20/11/2009 17:28

Perhaps I should qualify - in our relationship doing something with another person that you would want to keep from your spouse is being unfaithful.

So doing a poo is fine () but flirting outrageously with an ex isn't. Even though you might never even touch each other.

alarkaspree · 20/11/2009 17:28

What law says that penetrative sex is infidelity? Infidelity isn't illegal.

hf128219 · 20/11/2009 17:29

Maybe not adultery - but definitely unreasonable behaviour.

Northernlurker · 20/11/2009 17:30

What a strange thread

OP - No idea what's going on with you but you've lived for 15 years with your infidelity - please don't plead the 'I wasn't sure if it counts' card - Bill Clinton didn't even really believe in that definition - 'twas the phrasing of a desperate and cowardly man! Anyway - you've kept quiet for 15 years - if you're thinking you could do it again and it not coundt, sorry it does and that would be stupid and if you're thinking you should tell dh to salve your conscience then sorry no you shouldn't and if you want out of your marriage and think telling him this would do that - well that would be a hugely crappy thing to do. If you want out there are ways to do that without bringing up 15 year old oral sex!

ShowOfHands · 20/11/2009 17:30

Is your conscience on a time delay then?

Blu · 20/11/2009 17:31

No-one is jumping to conclusions. MP suggested you should tell your DH, I said I wouldn't advise that. People can suggest things whether you ask about them or not.

It seems as if you were keen to have your own view , that you were not unfaithful, affirmed. But the storm of ridicule that was blown Clinton's way should have demonstrated that to the vast majority of people an intense intimate experience like oral sex is seen very much as sexual infidelity.

But whatever it is CALLED, your marriage seems to have survived very well snce, so accept what you DID, stop fretting about what it is technically or commonly called and move on!

Good luck!

warthog · 20/11/2009 17:31

well, did you have your dh's blessing? or doesn't he know?

either way it's definitely infidelity. in fact anything that is clandestine is not on.

stuffitllllama · 20/11/2009 17:31

Wellwasit, you shouldn't dwell on it. It doesn't make you a bad person. You haven't been a bad person all these years because of it. Guilt is unproductive unless it changes your behaviour and it sounds like you changed yours instantly.

RumourOfAHurricane · 20/11/2009 17:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

stuffitllllama · 20/11/2009 17:34

It's not such a strange OP. If you are feeling guilty about something you'll try to convince yourself up is down because it's so painful. You need outside perspective and the proverbial frying pan, and who else is she going to mention it to? At least it's to us, and not her husband.

goodbyesunhellomoon · 20/11/2009 17:46

Eating is cheating

dizietsma · 20/11/2009 17:56

Yeah, you definitely cheated. If only penetrative vag + penis sex is infidelity then having a lesbian relationship wouldn't be cheating would it? But it would be cheating, and you were unfaithful. You're parsing because you can't face the truth. Don't hide behind what the law says, it's really rather pathetic.

You don't have to tell your DH the truth, but at least tell yourself the truth FGS.

AnyFucker · 20/11/2009 18:14

pmsl goodbyesunhellomoon

GossipMonger · 20/11/2009 18:17

If I saw my DH snogging another woman I would consider it to be unfaithful..........

..........so yes. You were unfaithful.

Fruitysunshine · 20/11/2009 18:25

If I let a man perform oral on me "I" would feel I'd have cheated on my husband......

PrincessToadstool · 20/11/2009 18:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tidey · 20/11/2009 18:28

I'm not saying it's a good thing to do, or that I'd do it myself, but I wouldn't consider a kiss cheating. Sex of any kind definitely is though.

GossipMonger · 20/11/2009 18:30

Tidey - so if you saw your DH snogging the face off another woman you wouldnt feel he was cheating on you?

Am not talking about a drunken snog either.

Earthstar · 20/11/2009 18:33

You betrayed his trust
why are you still obsessing after all this time though

Tidey · 20/11/2009 18:34

I would be very pissed off indeed, but no, I wouldn't feel that he had been unfaithful, just a total dickhead.