Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can you grow to love someone you're not hugely attracted to?

70 replies

kissyfurschaos · 19/11/2009 23:52

Hi would be so grateful for any advice please or words of wisdom.
Have a chance of a relationship with a gentle, kind and caring guy. I don't feel hugely attracted to him but certainly don't find him a huge turn off.
My previous two relationships have been with bullies who treated me like dirt but I found myself hugely attracted to them in the first place :-( they were charming at first etc..
I know that this guy would treat me and DS well etc.. but just don't have overwhelming feelings for him. He is a fantastic person and deserves to be treated well.
I just don't know what to do. A lot of my confidence has been taken away by the 2 exes.
Has anyone here fallen in love with someone over time? Did it work etc?>
Thanks for reading :-)

OP posts:
IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 20/11/2009 00:04

Who know but I doubt it.

I think to some extent you have to follow your heart on this one.

Why not spend some time with him as friends and see how it goes - you'll know as time goes on whether it feels right or not

colditz · 20/11/2009 00:05

You might love him but you'll never want to sit on his face.

zippy539 · 20/11/2009 00:06

I was going to say you might want to sit on his face but you'll never love him....

cathcat · 20/11/2009 00:07

I don't think there is any harm in giving it some time to see how things develop. However it is only fair to be completely honest with him about your feelings.

ROFL at colditz

zippy539 · 20/11/2009 00:08

Seriously though - is it possible just to spend some time with him without raising his expectations? Take the pressure off yourself, just see what happens? It might be that you associate being 'in love' with all those dangerous feelings associated with falling for a 'bad boy' and you're not seeing what's under your nose?

BitOfFun · 20/11/2009 00:47

That's what dating is for. Give it a bit of time, but don't jump in with both feet unless you develop some attraction.

Tortington · 20/11/2009 00:56

maybe if you sit on his face - it would make you feel better?

roffle colditz

SolidGoldBangers · 20/11/2009 00:56

There's no need to rush. Remember, it's fine to be single, and much, much better to be single than to cling on to or try to maintain a relationship with someone who is either vile or who simply isn't attractive to you, just so you're not single.

Also, if you have had one or more previous violent relationships, the nice-guy-you're-not-attracted to may not, actually be that nice. He may be a different sort of predator who is picking up on your vulnerability and playing on it eg 'I'm lovely and nice, I will treat you well... just so long as you obey me and never forget how grateful you should be to me for rescuing you from singleness...'
Take your time. If he is pushing for more than you feel comfortable with, walk away quickly.

ShazG · 20/11/2009 01:42

I know what SolidGoldbangers is saying but I don't think you should enter every possible new relationship trying to figure out if the guy is a predator or not!
I agree that you need to take your time and focus on rebuilding your confidence on your own. The fact that you have been in two previous abusive relationships suggests some destructive patterns in your behaviour that could be deep routed. Have you ever considered some counselling? I have personal experience of therapy (and I'm not mad!) and I would recommend it highly. I know it can be expensive but it is available on the NHS. Your GP would refer you but there could be a waiting list.
I didn't fancy my husband in the slightest at first. Before him I had always fallen for the bad boys. But I enjoyed the fact that he was the one who did the chasing and really seemed to care for me. To date we have a pretty good sex life!
However, this is your journey. Be careful what advice you take and learn about yourself. It could be interesting!

Comfortableshoes · 20/11/2009 07:20

Hi
Take it slowly and see what happens.
I was a SP like you with a DD (3) in a bad relationship and lacking confidence. Then I took a gamble and started going out with friend who is no George Clooney and much older/ wrinklier than me but was honest, trustworthy and reliable and good for me and DD.
We married quickly and love has certainly grown over the time... I love him and fancy him much more today than when we first got together.
Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder!
Good luck and enjoy your journey

ZZZenAgain · 20/11/2009 07:29

I think yes you can grow to love someone you don't feel physically attracted to by seeing and appreciating the good in them.

I don't know if you develop a feeling for their physical attraction over time though. I really don't know but I think I read once that in about the first minute or so of meeting someone you make a decision about their physical attractiveness. It is really quite an instinctive thing.

ABetaDad · 20/11/2009 07:31

Well there is nothing like giving it a try.

DW did not like me at all when we first met. In fact, she hated me even though I was totally besotted with her. However, over an 18 month period she got to know me and like me and it worked out well. Some 25 years, 2 DSs and several pretty awful events later I would say we are happier and more settled together than ever.

You don't have to get maried or move in to together. Just get to know each other. We went out together for 3 years and then lived together for 2 more years before getting married.

Don't make anything of a commitment - just take it very slowly and if it is going to work then it will.

ZZZenAgain · 20/11/2009 07:36

LOL I'm sure she didn't hate you

ABetaDad · 20/11/2009 07:42

Oh she did.

She has told me that when she turned up at University and she found out I had got in on her course she turned to her parents and said 'I know I am going to have 4 years of hell now that bloke from Yorkshire has got in'.

boolifooli · 20/11/2009 07:50

I have a similar story, met DH after 2 toxic relathionships and because it didn't feel as 'all or nothing' as my other relationships had started I nearly stopped dating him. 8 years and 2 kids later I can see that that seeming lack of overwhelming urges was really a sign of my maturity and that the full on intense attraction thing that I previously looked for was probably more about me trying to fill a void and my then self worth issues. I love DH very much and he is more wonderful than I believed. As others said there is no pressure, this is what dating is for. The fact that you are feeling pressure is probably because this take-things-at-a-gentle-pace thing is all new to you, because, maybe, like me, you previously steamed head first into relationships rather quickly believing initial sexual attraction to be an indicator of compatibility and it really is quite a poor one. Deep breaths and relax.

posieparker · 20/11/2009 08:01

Many many arranged marriages around the world start like this and they are very successful and happy ones.

Perhaps you should just see what happens.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 20/11/2009 08:07

lol betadad

Maybe it was just Yorkshire she hated?

Pheebe · 20/11/2009 08:11

Boolifooli - I could have written that post OP its very definitely possible for a relationship to flourish on this basis. I resisted DH's advances for almost a year as I thought I just 'didn't fancy him'. Then I realised I couldn't bear for him not to be around and that I had fallen in love with him without actually realising it. I think our relationship is much deeper than some of my friends who met in nightclubs and were shagging like rabbits within days. I think our relationship is based on a much strong foundation of freindship because I didn't have the fog of 'I want to shag you senseless' clouding my judgement

These days its a very difference story - nearly 8 years of marriage and 2 kids later and he is the only man I ever want to shag and would do so on a daily basis given the chance

commeuneimage · 20/11/2009 08:16

As others say, it could work. I married a man who I didn't feel a huge attraction for and I would say we still had a successful marriage. However, sex dwindled to nothing after some years. We trundled along quite happily until he had an affair and it brought it home to me how sad our lack of sex life had been and how our intimacy had been eroded. We are divorcing now, really because although we are best friends, that brother/ sister type relationship is not enough. With hindsight I think I was foolish to marry someone who I didn't fancy madly because a friendship is not enough.

MrsFlittersnoop · 20/11/2009 08:46

Overwhelming lust at first sight isn't necessarily the best foundation for a long-term relationship, if that's what you're looking for. Initial "huge attraction" doesn't seem to have worked out well for you in the past. If you like him, why not give him a chance?

IMHO, you don't always know who you fancy until you shag 'em! You might be more than happy to sit on his face if he turns out to have a 10" tongue and can breathe through his ears!

I can understand your concerns about trusting your judgement when you've had previous bad experiences. There are some great threads here about EA (emotionally abusive) relationships, with links to checklists of dodgy behaviour, such as criticism of your appearance or friends and relatives, or complaints about all his ex-partners being nutters.

Learn to identify the warning signs of controlling behaviour in the early stages of a relationship and be extremely vigilant.

Good luck!

boolifooli · 20/11/2009 09:01

But on the flipside commeuneimage you can't have a relationship without friendship, and when younger I never worried about how compatible we were in other areas. I'm sure just as many, maybe even more, marriages that were based on mainly physical attraction flounder.

ABetaDad · 20/11/2009 09:27

PfftTheMagicDragon - I was born a few miles away from Jeremy Clarkson, am about the same age, hold many of the same views and often express myself in the same forthright way as him (although I cannot drive). Says everything really.

kissyfurschaos - just a few more thoughts. I have very great respect for the advice of everyone about 'bad boy' men and abusive relationships and that you should definitely go into this level headed. However, I do not think you should feel that you have to go in constantly suspicious of every nuance of evey word and analysisng every little thing your new man does. That would be equally corrosive.

Being friends first is a fantastic start and will sustain a long term relationship in very difficult times. I do think it was and is the bedrock of my relationship with DW. I can see why you are uncertain about this but the key test I think is to keep asking yourself 'is this man a true friend and does he do things and say things like a true friend?'. It does eventually have to move on to a physical attraction though. Even just this morning I came downstairs to find DW wearing a new dress and she literally took my breath away. Not bad after 25 years but we are still best friends first and foremost and if that went (which it will not) the physical attraction would go too.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 20/11/2009 09:59

well then I am surprised she ever relented

WoTmania · 20/11/2009 10:13

Kissyfurchaos - I didn't fancy my DH at first I started going out with him because I liked him and I thought it wuld probably just fizzle out eventually.
We've been together 9 years now

My mother always said you should be 'friends first and lovers second' , my piano tutor at uni said the same.
I agree.

Aussieng · 20/11/2009 10:28

I think you can absolutely grow to love someone and be attracted to someone that you are initially not attracted to and the main "god I fancy you want to rip your clothes off" relationship that I ever had grew on that basis. It is said that the brain is the biggest sex organ you have and I do believe this. But I think it is very hard for feelings of love/being attracted to grow if you are dating or in a relationship with that person because then the pressure to find them attractive is always there and that does often kill off the possibility. If you can keep it slow and genuinely just friends then it has a chance - but it is surprising how many people disappear into the sunset when they hear (even a genuine) "let's be friends".