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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can you grow to love someone you're not hugely attracted to?

70 replies

kissyfurschaos · 19/11/2009 23:52

Hi would be so grateful for any advice please or words of wisdom.
Have a chance of a relationship with a gentle, kind and caring guy. I don't feel hugely attracted to him but certainly don't find him a huge turn off.
My previous two relationships have been with bullies who treated me like dirt but I found myself hugely attracted to them in the first place :-( they were charming at first etc..
I know that this guy would treat me and DS well etc.. but just don't have overwhelming feelings for him. He is a fantastic person and deserves to be treated well.
I just don't know what to do. A lot of my confidence has been taken away by the 2 exes.
Has anyone here fallen in love with someone over time? Did it work etc?>
Thanks for reading :-)

OP posts:

alypaly · 20/11/2009 17:47

why whos you soulmate? abetadad.

dont get me wrong abetadad ,i would do anything for him because he is such a lovely person...but there is no animal attraction,no sparkle,excitment,mental stimulation. I am not attracted to his'brain' infact we are on different planets ,intelligence wise. He is very insular and not worldy wise...i would probably go as far as saying naive in an innocent sort of way.IYGWIM

ABetaDad · 20/11/2009 17:55

Well some people on MN feel 'soul mate' is a bit of an unrealsitic gold standard to hope for in any relationship but I disagree. DW is definitely mine - no doubt about it.

We are absolutley equal intellectual intelligence wise and that is an imporant factor too.

alypaly · 20/11/2009 18:13

i meant i thought it was me you were talking about...not me as your soul mate...it looked really weird when i read all the posts. It could have got misconstrued.
Sorry if any confusion.

Sorry OP ,we have digressed a little,apologies.

alypaly · 20/11/2009 18:20

you are right about the intelligence levels needing to be similar.
BF knows when we have been to school functions that he cant converse at certain levels...im not saying he's unintelligent,hes not. He sometimes finds it difficult to explain things and frequently uses the wrong words,which make the whole sentence,sometimes unintelligible. Do you see what i mean. I feel embarrased for him sometimes,and then he goes into a bit of a shell, then he doesnt want to go to school functions because he feels as though he is being looked down on.He is also very serious most of the time. He is very clever,if not one of the best at his job ,but it is a lonely job where he doesnt talk to anyone all day and as a consequence that stays with him when he comes to my house. He is alnd surveyor BTW and has a very lonely job out there with his theodolite.

I would hate the OP to get into my situation as it is so difficult to change once you are in it.

LeQueen · 20/11/2009 18:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

alypaly · 20/11/2009 18:21

BTW abetadad...really happy you have got your soulmate...i think that is wonderful...long may it reign

SolidGoldBangers · 20/11/2009 18:23

I think it's important to remember that it's not 'all or nothing'. You don't have to choose between marrying this bloke tomorrow and never seeing him again. You can enjoy his company (if you do enjoy his company) from time to time, with no obligations on either side. You can date him ie spend time with him with both of you finding out if you are compatible and want the same things out of life or whatever. You can have sex with him to see if you like it - having sex with someone does not mean you have to continue a relationship with that person if you decide that you don't want to continue it, or the sex is appalling - it's only unethical to have sex with someone when you tell them that having sex means love if you're not sure that it does.

And no, I dont think that everyone is a potential abuser, I do think that unfortunately people who have only recently emerged from abusive relationships sometimes attract abusers and that their judgement is a bit off for a while. SO anyone just out of an abusive relationship should really spend a fair bit of time being single and recovering from what happened and sorting out their self-esteem before dating again.

ManicMother7777 · 20/11/2009 18:29

I felt like this once about a bloke, but he turned out to be the best kisser ever!

Another tip, is there a particular aftershave that does it for you...buy it him for Christmas

ABetaDad · 20/11/2009 18:30

Yes. I could see the weird confusion too. I am talking about DW being my soul mate.

Hope that is clear. Sorry about that.

Apologies too OP.

alypaly · 20/11/2009 18:34

i realised that ,it was everyone else i was worried about.

dippymummyto2boys · 20/11/2009 21:18

To the OP - Yes, you can

He may even have 'hidden talents'

2rebecca · 20/11/2009 22:26

I'd rather live on my own and just have him as a friend.
I have a busy job and social life though so having a "companion" isn't a priority for me.
If I didn't enjoy snuggling up to my man at night and want to rip his clothes off now and then I'd rather just live with the kids or alone and have fewer folk to cook for and a bed to myself.

Original poster

kissyfurschaos · 20/11/2009 23:29

Wow thanks for the fab advice.
We are sleeping together, when I have the energy, being a single mum to a VERY active 2 yr old, working part time and attending college one night a week means i'm usually knackered. he comes round about once a fortnight- although he would come over more if i let him!
I have known him 5 years and had a brief relationship with him before leaving him for one of 2 abusers it's like karma has repaid me 10 times over for hurting him when we did go out.
he isn't the sharpest tool in the box but is so genuine and kind. oh i wish life was ore straightforward.

OP posts:

Original poster

kissyfurschaos · 20/11/2009 23:31

p.s I have got used to it being mine and Ds house. DS and I co sleep so I never let him stay a whole night!

OP posts:

alypaly · 21/11/2009 08:55

kissyfur...you are in exactly the same situation as me.....my BF stays about once a month...im a single mum of 2 boys....mine isnt the brightest button...and i love my big king size bed to myself as i now lie diagonally. You are right,why is life so muddled up. Dont particularly want anyone elses washing now ,do you? I cook for him most evenings but that is becoming almost motherlike.

I feel the same that ,it is mine and DS2's house as DS1 is at uni. Dont know how i will feel when DS2 has gone to uni as i have been on my own for so long.

How did he repay you for hurting him?

CarGirl · 21/11/2009 09:03

My friend is now head over heels with someone she has been friends with for 7 year, she never fancied him at all whereas he has been in love with her all this time. Now she really fancies him.

I didn't fancy my dh when I first met him, I certainly do now.

I think the key is being good friends first and just see what happens something may ignite, it may not.

NormaSknockers · 21/11/2009 13:13

I think you can yes. I met DH when I was 19, at first I wasn't immediately attracted to him, I didn't think he was plug but didn't want to rip his clothes off either.

We were chatty to one another (we met through work) & he asked me out for a drink, I thought what the heck so I went out with him. Our first date was very casual, just a drink & a chat but we got on well. As I got to know him I feel for his kind nature, his ability to make me laugh, his kindness & the more I fell for him the more good looking he became to me & the more attracted to him I became.

We've been married 5 years now & have 2 beautiful DC together, I love him with all my heart & I cannot picture my life without him - in fact sometimes when I think about what my life may have been like without him in it I get really upset . Don't get me wrong, we have our ups & downs as everyone does but he's a wonderful man & I'm not ashamed to admit that dispite how I felt in the beginning I can't keep my hands off him most of the time as I am incredibly attracted to him & think he's bloody gorgeous

Why not go out for a drink or something together & just take it from there - you never know what happen & the worst that will happen is you won't click!

OverflowingBlessings · 19/01/2021 19:19

Twelve years later im curious how your relationship went. Im in the exact situation as you.

GotBeatenUp · 19/01/2021 19:39

I went with someone I didn't initially fancy. His saving grace was that he seemed to really like me. When I realised what he was really like, and that he was not nice, all that was there was a man who was ugly inside and out.

Notsharon · 19/01/2021 22:29

I married and had kids with someone wasn't overly physically attracted to. He was kind and generous unlike my exes, he made me feel safe and happy.
The problem is when you start having problems and sometimes, that attraction is that little bit of glue which holds you together. This is what I'm finding now. 2 DCs later, my DH is not as patient and kind as he was in the beginning and so, with little physical attraction, it doesn't leave us with a lot to work on.

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