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Original poster

Can you grow to love someone you're not hugely attracted to?

70 replies

kissyfurschaos · 19/11/2009 23:52

Hi would be so grateful for any advice please or words of wisdom.
Have a chance of a relationship with a gentle, kind and caring guy. I don't feel hugely attracted to him but certainly don't find him a huge turn off.
My previous two relationships have been with bullies who treated me like dirt but I found myself hugely attracted to them in the first place :-( they were charming at first etc..
I know that this guy would treat me and DS well etc.. but just don't have overwhelming feelings for him. He is a fantastic person and deserves to be treated well.
I just don't know what to do. A lot of my confidence has been taken away by the 2 exes.
Has anyone here fallen in love with someone over time? Did it work etc?>
Thanks for reading :-)

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 20/11/2009 10:29

Yes.

boolifooli · 20/11/2009 10:29

Yes, I agree abetadad, the one thing about my marriage that is very different to my previous relationships is that DH and I are eachother's best friend. Before, I really needed my friends to turn to for the support I needed being in a unhealthy relationship. but now I turn to my husband for support usually because of friendship woes! I know he will give me the best advice as he is very calm and logical and truly has my best interests at heart.

And although it didn't start in the lust filled hazed that my others had begun with we do have a good sex life, probably because we are so good at being honest about what works and doesn't work.

MillyMollyMoo · 20/11/2009 10:31

Don't do it, been there it won't ever be "right"
Having said that if you aren't going to marry him, but want some companionship then there's no harm is there, Mr Right Now and all that.

boolifooli · 20/11/2009 10:42

But Milly, what about all the people here, like me, who have gone on to have a very deep love and good sex life even though it wasn't intense physical attraction to begin with?

aseriouslyblondemoment · 20/11/2009 11:39

IMO i think that there has to be some spark there to begin with
a friend of mine tried to date a guy she just didn't fancy but who was a really lovely sweet man so she perservered for several months but sadly that lack of chemistry meant the relationship failed
from your pov maybe just take things purely as a friendship for now and see where it leads
but obv.be mindful of this man's feelings and of course your ds who will doubtlessly become attached to him

alypaly · 20/11/2009 11:52

its a difficult one....i have been with someone for 12 years. We just drifted together when he came round to see me, when i had pneumonia. He was my only visitor in 2 months and things just, sort of happened. Cant say i fell in love,it was just nice to be cared for. I was in a previous relationship with the father of my 2 boys and he went off with his ex fiancee.

It felt nice to be cared for. But i didnt fancy him and have to say i still dont. Sex is a very spasmodic thing and i rarely think about it with him.(altough i do crave rampant sex mentally)We have a platonic and symbiotic relationship. I cook for him,we go on hols together, he is kind to my boys and has shown them how to do many things throughout their lives.ie football,fishing,DIY etc.

Not sure if i am just drifting and scared of being alone. I am in an age group where it is difficult to meet someone nice...and i dont really know where to go.
I would love to feel head over heels and sexy again...just in a rut i think.
I would say if you are not attracted to him,dont go there...at times a fel as though i have wasted 12 years.
He never shows much emotion and i dont think he would if we split.....i feel like his 2nd mum...
He is so kind,i wish i could love him.

roxi09 · 20/11/2009 14:56

I grew to love my husband over time...when I met him he seemed like a lovely guy and I was tired of being hurt by bad boys I fell head over heels in love with.
However after many years I've fallen out of love with him, I need that spark, and it makes me very sad, but as it was never there in the first place, I've no chance of getting it back.
Looking back, although we've had a nice life together up until now, I feel I settled, and I'm at a time in my life now when that isn't enough for me anymore.

MillyMollyMoo · 20/11/2009 15:02

I'm sure an spark doesn't have to be intensive but it does have to be there, I speak from experience, friendship isn't really enough

boolifooli · 20/11/2009 15:16

I think we're all speaking from experience, books are no help are they! I met DH on the internet so it was his mind that I felt the attraction too, that was where the sparkle was

alypaly · 20/11/2009 15:21

roxi 09 what age group is that...probably the same as me....i feel i need to live again starting from yesterday.....life is too short.
Im exactly like you...having no spark leaves each day and night feeling really empty doesnt it

boolifooli · 20/11/2009 15:26

But it is possible to boost your self image without someone else. I'm no expert and having not been there I'm probably just speculating but I have seen it time and again where someone leaves a relationship because they want that spark again. I think the those feelings are often deep seated within the person themselves and can be addressed in many ways. Just something that has occured to me before.

ABetaDad · 20/11/2009 16:16

boolifooli - fascinating that you met DH on the internet and found his mind attractive first.

I met DW before the internet was invented but I had just the same experience. It was actually her mind, that 'sparkle' that made our friendship and also I might add makes her extremely attractive to this day.

Being in love with someone's mind is very important for any good relationship in my view and I have seen several threads on MN where women complain of feeling unstimulated by their DH who is just a boring 'homebody'. It is very tragic but quite common I suspect.

alypaly · 20/11/2009 16:30

It is tragic abetadad. Have been with BF for 12 years now....lovely person,kind,caring,loyal...but no get up and go....like you say a boring homebody...sits down, goes to sleep,watches tv...sleeps more,nothing to talk about as he doesnt socailise. Beginning to feel like i live with a hermit.
He has always looked after me and kept me safe...but i feel its not enough.... dont want to feel like this in another 12months.. be careful kissyfurs...

boolifooli · 20/11/2009 16:31

betadad, don't get me wrong, DH is more boring homebody than shining wit but even in cardigan and slippers he's interesting

LeQueen · 20/11/2009 16:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

alypaly · 20/11/2009 16:38

its easy to say wait for the right one...ive been waiting a long time....and life is getting a tad shorter....

roxi09 · 20/11/2009 16:43

alypaly, I'm in my very early 40's.
Now the kids are getting older I've started to think more about what I want out of life.

Remotew · 20/11/2009 16:44

This is interesting to me atm. I have met someone whom I'm not greatly attracted to. Known each other by sight for many years and he has always fancied me so cannot believe his luck that we've got friendly.

I have told him we can stay friends and see if anything happens. I would advise this tbh, no point rushing in unless you really want to.

MorrisZapp · 20/11/2009 16:45

The most intense sexual attraction I ever had burnt itself out within 6 months. It was simply unsustainable. We ended up like brother and sister and wasted years trying to get the passion back.

Grand passion is great, but it dies down anyway. It's what your left with when the flames go out that matters.

Also, if he becomes your DP then over time you can tell him what to wear etc and he will become more attractive

Mould him to your ideal!

alypaly · 20/11/2009 16:50

MZ....yes its ok saying mould them and dress them in things to make them attractive...but when you dont fancy them starkers...then thats an issue

Oh Roxi you are the age i was when i realised that i wanted to do the same but have been stuck in this safe relationship for 12-13 years. I am now 53 and a tad fed up with everything....

Remotew · 20/11/2009 16:59

I havent had chance to read all the thread will do later when I finish work .

Looking back I have had many intense physical encounters many of which didn't last five minutes, one or two lead to long term relationships, however I'm single.

I had a friendship with a guy who was part of my social group when I lived abroad. He told me he fancied me but physically he wasn't my type. Over time and getting to know him as a friend, without pressure, something clicked. I'd fallen for him and the first time we had sex was just as good as with the instantaneous attractions. I had to return home but would have gone back if he had asked.

This thread has made up my mind to persue the friendship with my new friend and leave it to develope or not.

To the OP, hope the answers have helped you make up your mind too. I'm also 40's (late) and have to start thinking about companionship and friends for the future now that DD is growing up and away.

alypaly · 20/11/2009 17:03

abouteve...how would you go about meeting someone new?

ABetaDad · 20/11/2009 17:23

alypaly - apologies. I think I might have inadvertently mentioned you anonymously in my previous post. I do now recall a post you made a little while ago and your sadness about how things are. I do hope you find a good solution. It is a difficult situation you face and very understandable how you feel.

I suppose settling down with someone who is decent and nice sounds ideal to many people who are in difficult or abusive relationships but as you say, the 'safe' option can have its downsides. Yes the OP needs to be careful not to just settle for that but go out with this guy for a while and decide if he is a good friend who also enthrals and stimulates her mind. If not, then move on.

Heck. I'm going to be talking about 'soul mates' soon which is definitley a banned MN phrase.

alypaly · 20/11/2009 17:27

abetadad...i thought it was me

ABetaDad · 20/11/2009 17:40

There is also someone else on MN I had in mind so you must not feel you are alone in feeling that way.