V sad - DH doesn't want to spend Xmas with us

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

Context - DH is muslim. Has no problem whatsoever with Xmas but not being brought up in the west it has no meaning for him at all (apart from nice family time). He has spent the last two Xmases with me and my family (who he gets on very well with) but has missed the last two eid il fitrs, the last two eid el kbirs, and two weddings of sisters due to being stuck here for different reasons (work, me being pg, waiting for his ILR visa) and he is very very fed up and sad about this. I understand this.

He is waiting for his ILR to come through which should get here by Xmas. He has solid work until 24/12 when I was planning for us to go to the folks' and all go together to their place in devon boxing day, back on the 30th, and he was going to leave on the 31st to go home. Now he has decided he wants to leave on 25th or 26th (he's driving so fares not a big deal) and is not prepared to waIT.

I understand sort of but I'm so upset. I can't see why he can't wait one week so that we can have a lovely week, chilling out, beach, country walks, etc etc, we need it (lots of stress last few months) and it will be a lovely week. I am also very embarrassed at the thought of telling my family who will be ok with it but disappointed and upset.

I've tried everything (ranting, begging, emotional blackmail, bribery) to persuade him and I've had enough. But I'm sad. Please tell me it's not a big deal, or tell me I'm being unreasonable?

Isn't what he wants to do just as important to him as Christmas is to you?

Yes it is. I have promised that next year we will spend every holiday there and I do understand, but I don't see why he can't wait one week. Please tell me I'm being unreasonable though, I need to get some perspective.

Why doesn't he want to wait?

How long will he be gone for?

Because he wants to get 'home' asap (it has been ages - will have been 8 months) when he finishes the month of work, and Xmas just doesn't mean that much to him, and he doesn't quite get why it means so much to me that he is there.

Oh about 2 months (I'll go out end Jan for a couple of weeks)

in that case, YANBU but it's one of those situations were if he doesn't want to be there at Christmas then he might not enjoy it and that could affect your enjoyment.

kat I'm really sorry you're going through this again - I really don't want to comment on this particular situation - but I'm sorry to note that this is now the third thread that I've seen from you stating how unhappy you are with your husband's behaviour.

If it's important to you that you are together at Christmas it should be important to him. Christmas is time for family, sounds like he could have picked a different time to go 'home' but hasn't.

I think he is being U, I don't think you are but if he is not interested in you being hurt, sad, upset for the dc, I don't see what can be done about it. Christmas is for the family, it will be a big difference to the dc if their dad is not there for it, even if the grandparents are. They will not understand it.

I think you might now have to be magnanimous and say you are desperately hurt and sad but you hope he will have a lovely time - and even go the extra mile and buy him a nice present to take to his family. Then really I think you have done all anyone can do.

I haven't read your other threads, so I cannot comment on your marriage. Hope your Christmas will be a nice one despite this. I know quite a few families where only one dp is from a Christian background and the dp who is not is present in the family at Christmas and they celebrate all the major festivals of both religion/culture.

Really Skihorse?
I don't post much about DH. I remember one where he felt he couldn't stay in this country, and one where he let my friend's DS wander off. There was another one which I had pulled which was something I did wrong.

I appreciate your concern but I don't think your assumptions are correct...

DS is only 14mo so he won't notice! ZZen you are right, it shouldn't be a problem to celebrate all festivals except we haven't celebrated any of his for 2 years because it's not the same to do it here.

it might be possible to celebrate his cultural/religious festivals if you knew some families with a similar background to him and could then have a meal together on the day etc.

Perhaps for the future, you might need to look into something like that. However if travelling to see his family is no longer a problem for him , perhaps it is just this one Christmas that you will need to get through.

Driving away actually on Christmas is quite a strong statement though, I'm afraid, particularly after you have told him that it does matter to you - I might give that some thought too.

Can you compromise? Agree that he spends Christmas Eve, Day and Boxing Day with you and your wider family as they are the important days, and then from 27th onwards he can do what he wants. I can completely understand you wanting a long week in Devon to just chill out (heaven knows, I need one too!), but I do think you need to compromise. From his perspective, maybe the thought of being with your family that long will remind him of what he is missing out on by not having seen his and having missed out on so many important family things that is probably particularly upsetting for him? So maybe that is why he just wants to go home as soon as he is free.

i can understand that it is just another day. I have had to work over xmas in the past. My h supported me in this and we made it up at other times.

I think it is very disrepectful for him to not care about how you feel about this.

Why can you not go with him at first - i would hate to be apart from h and the children for xmas even if we dont celebrate it in a religious way.

Megonthemoon
That's it in a nutshell. I have suggested he comes until the 26th but he said everyone will try to persuade him to stay and he'll end up staying (good!) But yes, you have nailed it.

Also, last Xmas wasn't spectacular, DS was 3mo and I was grumpy, he had some bad news about his little sister (she had left her H as he had been hitting her while she was pg, he just wanted to go over and sort it out, and couldn't) and he ended up drinking too much the night he heard about this and embarrassed himself with my family. They aren't bothered by that but he is.

surely you can celebrate any day/festival you like. Lots of people have special days where family is important. Like birthdays ect.
I think if you dismiss his special festivals he will not see a problem doing it to you.

Uugh go with him? Spend Xmas day driving in a van across France? No bloody way!

not Christmas day in a van, no. But you could go on boxing day or the day after. Load up with some nice music CDs/tapes. You're in it together not two combattants each trying to win something.

Well longer term you just have to both give a bit to make it work, like everything in marriage but I see the attraction in a peaceful week in Devon.

Mind you I like France too...

maybe he feels the same about spending time with you and your family.

I love driving with dh - we do a lot of our 'talking' then.

Last year we were away for xmas and so instead had our 'family xmas' on the sunday before. It was fabulous - except everyone went to work/school on our 'boxing day' which meant i had to do all the clearing away.

Promise him that no one will try to persuade him to stay longer and ensure that you tell your family not to do it.

I don't actually think either of you are being unreasonable as you both have good reasons for what you want to do. You need to find a compromise that suits you both and perhaps ensuring that no one tries to persuade him to stay past boxing day is it.

I haven't dismissed his festivals as such, but I haven't promoted doing something here. I am at fault for that I know. But for him it's more about not being with his family, which he physically couldn't.

Happywoman - we did it last year in january. It was fine, but cold (we slept in the van) and lots of driving, no chilling out - just getting straight there (3 days driving). It was fun, but not for christmas. That would be far sadder than spending it without him, and as he wouldn't really be bothered about it being christmas day, it wouldn't be about 'being together'. Besides, we have a plan for me going there at the best time and going at the beginning of the trip won't work.

Soupdragon - that might be the best option. We will be leaving for devon on boxing day so he could leave and go in the opposite direction.
I suppose I just wish my traditions meant as much to him as they do to me, which is totally unreasonable, as he's not english or christian, and his don't mean as much to me as christmas, so I should expect the same. One of the pitfalls of a mixed culture marriage I suppose.

Wouldn't a cheap flight be cheaper than all the fuel to drive for 3 days ?

Fwiw I think you are his family now, you and your child need him more than his family do. If his choice is to prefer to spend Christmas day in a van on the road rather than with his own son something is very wrong.