V sad - DH doesn't want to spend Xmas with us

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

Context - DH is muslim. Has no problem whatsoever with Xmas but not being brought up in the west it has no meaning for him at all (apart from nice family time). He has spent the last two Xmases with me and my family (who he gets on very well with) but has missed the last two eid il fitrs, the last two eid el kbirs, and two weddings of sisters due to being stuck here for different reasons (work, me being pg, waiting for his ILR visa) and he is very very fed up and sad about this. I understand this.

He is waiting for his ILR to come through which should get here by Xmas. He has solid work until 24/12 when I was planning for us to go to the folks' and all go together to their place in devon boxing day, back on the 30th, and he was going to leave on the 31st to go home. Now he has decided he wants to leave on 25th or 26th (he's driving so fares not a big deal) and is not prepared to waIT.

I understand sort of but I'm so upset. I can't see why he can't wait one week so that we can have a lovely week, chilling out, beach, country walks, etc etc, we need it (lots of stress last few months) and it will be a lovely week. I am also very embarrassed at the thought of telling my family who will be ok with it but disappointed and upset.

I've tried everything (ranting, begging, emotional blackmail, bribery) to persuade him and I've had enough. But I'm sad. Please tell me it's not a big deal, or tell me I'm being unreasonable?

I'm going to be blunt, but this is IMO why relationships that are so culturally diverse rarely work out.

Ultimately, Christmas means nothing to him, in the same way Eide and whatever other muslim celebrations mean nothing to you. I think you just both have to respect that. The only thing you need to reach a compromise on is whether your children will be raised as Christian or Muslim.

I hate this whole "you are his family now" as if when you get married you disown your blood relatives in favour of your wife and potential children.

I think that if the dh were christian then spending christmas apart from his wife and child would be worthy of judgement. But given that the dh isn't Christian, and in fact celebrating Christmas goes against his religion, it's wrong to expect that he celebrate christmas just because he married a christian woman. Should the op be expected to celebrate Eide and to participate in Ramadan (sp?)

wannaBe
yes you are right. This is a problem of mixed marriages and we are trying to negotiate it.
Re celebrating christmas - he has no problem with it in principle, as I have no problem with celebrating eid if I'm in his country. It just isn't a priority for him and he doesn't see why his presence would make such a difference to me. For a person brought up in the traditions of christmas then the idea of a DH spending it away from his family by choice would be very bizarre - but for him, it just doesn't register.

Arsed- he's driving so that he can take stuff there with him, and use the van out there, and bring stuff back.

where is "home" for him btw

Morocco

My dh also brought up in a muslim family so Christmas was just another work day to him.

However dh does understand the cultural significance of family and festivals. Sorry but your dh is BU. He should realise that his not being there is a massive deal to you, a bit of a snub to your family and quite disrepsectful to your parents. If you can't explain that Christmas is important you can explain that this festival is a family gathering that he would be making quite a
negative statement if he couldn't delay his departure by a day to attend.

"I'm going to be blunt, but this is IMO why relationships that are so culturally diverse rarely work out."

Wannabe - I find your statenment slightly bigotted and a whole heap ignorant. After more than 20 years in a culturally diverse relationship myself, with many friends in similar relationships I can assure you that whether you believe in father Christmas or little green aliens doesn't affect whether it 'works out'.

It is differences in attitudes to what you want from life and different expectations that can make relationships fail and these things are deeper than 'culture'.

i think YABU - the guy wants to see some of his family and culturally connect.

You hav had it your way for a while - now it's his turn - give him a break

TBH, I can´t really see why he can´t have at least Christmas Day with you and then travel.

And the things that he has already missed, well, that is the price you pay for living in another couny tbh, and if they were important enough he would have found a way to go imo.

If he´s going to be a misery, let him go & have a lovely time with your lo& parents.

But it sounds to me as if he´s punishing you for what he has already missed.

Does he blame you for his being in UK?

Thanks Custy
Diddl - yes and no. We and he have had it hard the last 6 months, this country hasn't been great to us recently and he does have a 'grass is greener' feeling at times. But he knows that I would never live there so he puts up with the things he doesn't like (and enjoys the things he does). He doesn't blame me for missing out but the country (ridiculously long process to get residence, has been months waiting for his passport back) and maybe he's punishing me for it. Not fair but understandable in a way.
I know I have had things my way far more than he has and I understand he needs to get back and see his family. I think he might be a bit depressed over it actually.

has anyone from his family been over to see you in this time, see the baby? I think it would be nicer if you had Christmas in the UK together and travelled over together so the family would also get to fuss over you and the baby but I see he is just desperate to see his family and this is not going to happen. Maybe being with your family over Christmas has been making him even more aware of his loneliness.

Well you have to know, he's your dh and you have to deal with 1) this CHristmas and 2) how this is to be handled in the future. I think some clear principle you both work on is better than arguing it out year after year.

I lived in Morocco for 2 years btw, quite happily in fact. It's certainly a nice country for a holiday, particularly with dc

I actually think your DH is being rather selfish here. The fact that the event concerned is christmas (ie a cultural/religious event) is irrelevant IMO. It could just as easily be some other sort of family event/birthday/anniversary etc. The point is that it is important to you. There doesn't seem to be any reasonable grounds for your DH not postponing his trip by a couple of days, and to refuse to do so seems quite belligerent & controlling.

FWIW, my family live abroad, too, and I haven't seen my parents since they last visited a year ago. I will be visiting them with my DC in the new year. So I do know what it is like to live in a different country and to miss family etc, but the fact is that I have chosen to marry and settle here with my DH & DC and they now have to be my first priority. If my husband asked me to postpone a trip to visit my family by a couple of days to be here for an event that was important to him I really wouldn't think twice about agreeing to it.

I agree with you, it seems unnecessarily intransigent to insist on driving away on Christmas day itself but I suspect there is more to it (general marital conflict) or things OP does not know about.

Otherwise it is an attitude that would give me cause to think. Also I didn't much like what OP wrote in her first posting: "I've tried everything (ranting, begging, emotional blackmail, bribery)"

I expect the marriage is just under a bit of strain generally atm so the behaviour of both of them is not conduicive to coming to an agreement. Everyone's marriage can get like that at times.

What it comes down to (regardless of culture, customs, religion, traditions, etc.) is that
"He has solid work until 24/12" and now that he has the opportunity to have it both ways by spending some time off with you AND then going to Morrocco, he is choosing to spend it all without his wife and children. That is very sad

How often do his relatives from overseas come over to see him anyway? Is he doing all the legwork?

I was also wondering, the religious celebrations he missed, was he able to observe them in UK?

I also think that Christmas doesn´t have a lot of religious meaning to a lot of people in UK.

But it is the tradition and "familyness" of it that is important.

I appreciate that his family mean a lot to him, but am quite that he would rather be travelling to see them than have a day at home with at least his child if not you!

His family can't come here - they don't have visas.
Yes there is pressure in our marriage, we have money problems and visa problems and they have been going on for too long. There is an end to both in sight but we have no idea how long that will take. We have a solid marriage but we are having a wobble.

He has 4 days a week at home with his DS, a day at home with him is a bit too normal to be exciting!

He couldn't observe the traditions properly, a) because being with family is the point of it, and b) because they all seem to involve slaughtering and cooking a sheep, which I'm not up for!

How is he managing to get two months off work?
Why are you only going for two weeks?

Can´t his family apply for visas to visit?

And it´s 8 months since he was last there?

Sorry, but I don´t call that long tbh.

How long was he there for before?

If he's going for 2 months he should be able to hold on until 26th, when you go off to Devon. That way you can have xmas day together and not feel like you are being "left". Regardless of whether he celebrates Xmas, you and the kids need him that day at least. In the context I think it is probably unreasonable for you to expect him to spend the whole week in Devon with your family though.

Lol
He's self employed. No they can't - or they could, but they wouldn't get them. Nobody gets tourist visas from Morocco.
Yes, and for him, it is a long time. He lived there until 2007 and one of the conditions of him moving here was that he would be able to go back often.
I'm going for 2 weeks, leaving DS there, and going back 2 weeksish later for another week. It's how I prefer to do it.

Whose condition that he could only move to Uk if he went back often?

I´m really confused!

We´re abroad and get back as & when we can!

his condition surely? That he was willing to live in the UK only if he could go back to Morocco often? So you two met when you were overseas?

It is very confusing. I'm quite confused with it too.

wouldn't be her condition I'm thinking... you can only come and live in the UK if you promise to go home often

IYSWIM?

'one of the conditions of him moving here was that he would be able to go back often'

This might have seemed fine in theory, especially before yr dc was born, but it will probably prove problematic in practice. We all have ideas about the things we'd like to maintain after we're married, but in reality we all have to compromise, and when circumstances change, adjust our expectations accordingly. BTW what were the other 'conditions' of him moving here?

ZzzenAgain

Yes I think you must be right.

I had been wondering if it had been his families condition, but that makes little sense.

I know British people often tend to move away and not bother much with parents, but UK Morocco is hardly a cheap flight/drive to be visiting every year, and I know I would be a bit if my husband insisted on it.

Plus, all well and good to want to do that but he has responsibilities now & two months away is surely a lot in terms of money and being self employed & unavailable for work?