V sad - DH doesn't want to spend Xmas with us

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

Context - DH is muslim. Has no problem whatsoever with Xmas but not being brought up in the west it has no meaning for him at all (apart from nice family time). He has spent the last two Xmases with me and my family (who he gets on very well with) but has missed the last two eid il fitrs, the last two eid el kbirs, and two weddings of sisters due to being stuck here for different reasons (work, me being pg, waiting for his ILR visa) and he is very very fed up and sad about this. I understand this.

He is waiting for his ILR to come through which should get here by Xmas. He has solid work until 24/12 when I was planning for us to go to the folks' and all go together to their place in devon boxing day, back on the 30th, and he was going to leave on the 31st to go home. Now he has decided he wants to leave on 25th or 26th (he's driving so fares not a big deal) and is not prepared to waIT.

I understand sort of but I'm so upset. I can't see why he can't wait one week so that we can have a lovely week, chilling out, beach, country walks, etc etc, we need it (lots of stress last few months) and it will be a lovely week. I am also very embarrassed at the thought of telling my family who will be ok with it but disappointed and upset.

I've tried everything (ranting, begging, emotional blackmail, bribery) to persuade him and I've had enough. But I'm sad. Please tell me it's not a big deal, or tell me I'm being unreasonable?

Thanks all. Yes, his condition when we planned our future all those years ago. He wanted me to move there, i wanted him to move here, so he agreed on the understanding that he could go back twice a year. It is close and pretty cheap to get to, i'm happy for it to be our family holiday as i love my family in law. I am more than happy to accomodate his trips but at the moment he is waiting for his residence visa and it's taking months. We planned for him to go back in oct or nov with ds, since my pils haven't seen him for 8 months either.

Well, I can understand your DH's point of view. I don't see my family very often as we live quite far away and although we make it a priority to visit, it's not such a priority for them.

I have quite a few siblings and we are scattered far and wide across the US and UK as are the in-law families. We have come to an agreement to spend every other xmas at my parents and it works out well and has for the last 10 yrs.

I think what you need is an almost formal agreement on what you are going to do for holidays going forward--it makes it a lot easier when you've said, we are going to spend this year at home and next year travelling. I know it's not the same situation as you have but if you work something out for the future he might be more willing to compromise now?

The most obvious compromise is for him to spend xmas day with your family and then head out on boxing day, but would he be amenable to having xmas day just with you and DS? Then you go to Devon and he goes to Morocco--this may be a ploy to get out of spending the day with your family. Sorry. One of my SILs only spends time with my fam under great presure from my brother and then it's through gritted teeth. Families, eh? We're not THAT bad.

Hope all that makes sense and you can work something out with him!

Hi everyone
he has agreed to spend Xmas day with us and head off on boxing day. And he has agreed with a good grace. Turns out he was worrying that if he came fr 2 days my family would try to persuade him to come to devon and he would feel bad saying no - so I have promised to explain it to my family and tell them not to try. They will understand that - but they wouldn't have understood missing Xmas day!

Thank you for your wise words of advice. Next year I'm putting all the moroccan holidays on a calendar and booking flights for every single one!

How old is your DC, Kat?

only 14 months. I don't anticipate this happening again as next year we can plan much better, it is waiting for his residence visa that is messing everything up.

See, he won't remember it anyway, so it is mostly about how you and DH feel... I was going to say if he was older, your DH would have to prioritise him.

glad it has all worked out.

Just had a holiday to morroco and it is fab - so a bit envious of you that you have a good 'excuse' to go.

Have a good xmas anyway.

Best of luck Kat - btw - I'm an old bird mixed of two parents of very different religions, cultures and countries - what you say resonates- not because of my upbrining which was seamless with parents who participated in each other's religious festivals with absolutely no issues - but because of my dh.

Plan, organise and ensure that both cultures, families etc are given equal priority. If not, resentment will build up.

8 months away from family is not that long - I have spend 8 months away from my family and they live in my country - sadly dh cannot spend 8 months away from his overseas.

Ensure that there is parity between the two.

Kat my DH is also Muslim, so I know it can be difficult. Luckily my family have been fab and have always put on a big 'Arabic' celebration (if that means mandi, colourful tents and Asaala Nasri music lol) for Eid if we've been with them - it's nice that they appreciate that it's a special day for DH and make the effort, even though it's not the same as 'home'. Equally, DH does celebrate Christmas because Jesus is a prophet for Muslims too, so to celebrate the event is not wrong. He really loves the family aspect of it too...

Anyway enough about me!! I can kind of understand your DH's POV - he hasn't been home in a long time, and is probably missing the place and his family. He may also be a little annoyed that you guys haven't celebrated Eid - this would be like him totally ignoring Christmas...a bit upsetting. Why not make a special effort next year - I bet he would be very touched by your efforts

I don't think that anyone can say 'mixed marriages don't work' - I think that people don't realise what they're getting into before they marry, and don't compromise as much as they should (not you Kat but in general). Mixed marriages take a lot of compromise and understanding from both sides. My DH is very liberal, but I can imagine it'd be much more difficult to be with someone who is devout (of any religion)...