I only want to have sex at a certain time of the month(sorry if TMI)!

[sexynonono]

Am a regular but have namechanged.

DH and I have been together about 15 years. He as always been attractive to me and until recently our sex life was pretty good, if not as regular as DH would like.

I noticed recently though that the ONLY time I want to have sex is when I am ovulating. I just cannot abide being touched (or mauled it feels to me) at any other time. I just don't feel like it at all.

In fact, two or three times a month would be enough for me whereas DH would like it at least two to three times a week. He always makes the first move and gets really huffy if I refuse-accuses me of being boring, says he is going to pay for it, I am always tired etc. etc.

The week before my period, I feel like screaming if I give in and let him have his way. I could literally punch him in the face whilst we are in the middle of it. I find it really hard to get enthusiastic, all I am thinking is "just hurry up". Everything he does makes my skin crawl and I feel extremely irritated by the way he kisses me or plays with my nipples. He wanted to go down on me (sorry-am embarrassed typing this) last night and I just didn't want him to-it made me feel like screaming. Physically, I feel nothing when we have sex, it's like I am numb. Actually, I feel one thing-anger. I also feel violated, like I am being touched against my will.

I have said to him I just don't feel like it or I'm not in the mood, but I HAVE to do it at LEAST once a week as it's affecting our relationship and I'm not sure what is wrong with me. I know that it's my hormones that makes me feel like it when I am ovulating, so where does that leave me? I'm frightening myself thinking that I have fallen out of love with my DH.

Has anyone else experienced this and managed to get back what they had?

Anyone out there? Is this a taboo subject?

well, I can empathise a little bit with how you feel

I am certainly more interested in the middle of the month

and a couple of days before my period I also get that "hands-off" feeling

but what I cannot understand is why you give into sex when you don't want it

your dh sounds like an immature bully, and I feel your energies would be better directed not at thinking there is something wrong with you....

but that there is something wrong with your relationship

Have you actually told him this? If it is making you feel violated then there is seriously something wrong - and he should leave you alone. You are not a blow up doll or some sort of household sexual appliance to service his wants (not needs, note). If he is threatening to 'pay for it' if you don't give in then he needs professional help - doesn't he care that you are not into it at all? Yuck. I am actually surprised you can get enthusiastic about someone with so little care for your feelings at ANY time of the month, selfish git!

As for why you are so against it at certain times (which isn't unusual - hormonally, it makes total sense), are you on hormonal contraception / Mirena coil? Could you change your contraception if so? If you're knackered, could he do more to help so you're less tired by the time he pounces? If you are having such big mood swings I'd see the GP to be sure nothing else was up (thyroid ect). HTH

Thanks for your replies. Sadly, I do think that there are problems with our relationship. Or maybe "a" problem, I'm rapidly falling out of love.

Realitybites, your last comment did make me laugh but unfortunately, that is exactly the thought that has gone through my head many times.....

Anyfucker, sometimes I just give in because I can't listen to the whinging anymore. He doesn't moan for long and sometimes says he's sorry and cuddles me but he often just turns over in the huff.

I've tried telling him that he's quite lucky. Some of my friends have told me that they only do it a few times a year. He just says he's not interested in what their relationship is like.

I was exactly like this for the whole of my thirties, only interested for a few days mid cycle.
Fortunately my husband was patient and understanding, he would never have wanted me to "force myself" into having sex.
I agree with Reality and AF, he's doing himself NO favours by behaving like an over sexed 16 year old.
Why does he want to have sex when you DONT enjoy it?

Selfish twat.

abedelia, not using any contraception. I do suffer from horrendous PMT but have found a combination of vitamins and minerals that do really help. Sometimes I'm not very good at remembering to take them though.

I do always feel really tired but that's due to a combination of things, not exercising enough, not eating the right things, not going to bed early enough, being married to a fuckwit....

there's something called 'palm and her five sisters' your DH should try using it rather than forcing a woman into having intercourse against her will.

sexy, just your last phrase was the telling one I think

Don't have sex with ANYONE against your will

Malificence, it looks like I have been my own worst enemy here, I can see that now.

Whenever I have had sex when not in the mood, I have been acting. I have pretended to enjoy it.

Maybe I should have just lain there like a plank of wood. He always wants me to enjoy it and concentrates on me but I feel like I've been anesthetised from the waist down.

It would be different if you weren't interested at first but got into it once you started, but you clearly hate it and you really resent him. He is acting like a bullying teenager, no wonder you don't like him anymore and are falling out of love. Time to have a chat with him about this and tell him he is acting like a twat and you won't be doing it anymore. He will be lucky to get ANY sex once you have left and he is on his own.

I hate to say it sexy, but this sounds just like the last few years of my marriage (I am now getting divorced!!)

I could only handle it mid month if at all, the rest of the time I wanted to scream 'get offffff me!!'

however, H was nowhere near as aggressive as your dh.

Tbh, I think it was a sign of the end, I had fallen totally out of lust and love with him, we were living in separate worlds.

Interestingly, the 'don't touch me' phase started after ds1, I suffered from terrible PND and never felt H understood at all; in fact I felt he just treated me like a volatile nutcase.

If you think your relationship can be saved I'd look at the emotional issues first- and put a ban on sex tbh except when YOU want it, especially while he's being such a knob about it. Tell him if he pays for it, that's it!!!

btw there is an interesting theory (forget where I read it) that the premenstrual period brings out all the 'truths' about a woman's relationships with others, particularly her partner- so trust what you are feeling at that time!

Why would you pretend to be enjoying yourself when you are hating every minute?
I can sort of understand his frustration ( not the shouty, paying for it bit though ) if he thinks you're having a great old time then he will be a tad confused as to why you don't want more of the same.

My husband always knew exactly when he could come near me and when to not even think about trying.

The more he pressures you, the less inclined you will feel.

I think it's time for some straight talking, quite how to approach it without a huge row and lots of hurt, I'm really not sure.

AG - I had no such feelings towards my husband, I loved him then just as I love him now, my sex drive was just up the swanny due to vicious PMT.
It miraculously vanished early this year and my sex drive came back with avengeance, it was like a switch was flicked and I've never looked back, whether it was because I lost weight, started the peri-menopause, or started taking ginseng, or all 3 , I don't know but I do feel like a normal human being fully in control of my emotions now.
My hubby must have had the patience of a saint , at my worst I had one good week out of 4, I was like a monster the other 3.

It doesn't necessarily mean you don't love him, but if he is as bullying in other parts of your life then it's a problem.

I also only fancy sex certain times of the month; during ovulation, the day before I get my period, and the fourth day of my period. Took me a while to notice the patterns.

I used to have sex whenever dh wanted to, whether or not I felt like it. He didn't pressure though at all. I just went along assuming more sex was better than less. When I didn't want it I didn't enjoy it, didn't feel anything. I would then feel upset that we didn't work physically well together. Once I realised my pattern above I decided to stop having sex except when I wanted to. I said it to my dh, he was ok with it. It has worked out great since. We both enjoy the sex now. I now feel we work together and every aspect of our relationship is happier because of it.

I know that your situation is different as yout dh is pressurising you alot. But I just wanted to let you know that if you listen to what your body wants then when you do have sex just those times you may find that you enjoy your love life again, and perhaps consequently your life with your dh. However I do see that things are different with you and your dh. Have you spoken to him about how you feel about sex? At a time when you can just sit down and discuss it and is not a heated time like when he is trying to get you into bed? Explain that if you could lead things for a while it might help?

Malificence that's interesting, I still have PMS but it's changed since I left H and I am now completely obsessed with sex for the whole week or however long it is (as well as being ratty and depressed, lol)- mind you this is probably because I do not get any!! :D

sexynonono - if you don't want to have sex with your husband that is perfectly OK and you have two choices.

1. Find out why that is and seek a way of dealing with it if you want to. These may be many fold including hormonal or emotional.

1. If you do not wish to deal with the issue then tell him that you no longer want a sexual relatinship and allow him to go outside your relationship as he has suggested.

What you cannot do is force him into celibacy. That is simply not fair at all to either of you.

There are two sides of any sexual relationship. He is upset that you do not want sex and you are not telling him what is happening or how you feel. He is not psychic and he has no idea what is happening. Of course he is upset and by the way he is not acting like an oversexed teenager. He has a perfectly normal sex drive and you have a supressed libido for some unknown reason.

The answers above have not taken any account of how he feels. There are plenty of answers saying he is bullying you. However, forcing him into a celibate life without any explanation is just as bullying.

You need to talk and be absolutley open and honest with him and decide what you want to do. I know I will get slagged off and flamed for that answer but it is the brutal truth. You do not have to have sex that is absolutley accepted but you do have to stop pretending and start being fair to your DH.

.... and to yourself.

to be fair ABetaDad, it does seem that if there's any 'forcing' going on it's on his side...

Abetadad - you obviously haven't read the 1st post properly - she is having sex once a week for the sake of keeping him happy but he's still not satisfied!

I've been there with PMT / lack of libido, luckily my husband loved me enough to be understanding, but then I didn't lie and have sex when I would have not enjoyed it.
I will admit that we are both happier now we are having a lot more sex but that's down to mutual love and respect, we couldn't have come back to what we have now if my husband had continually pressured me for sex.

The OP's husband is acting unreasonably if he thinks that having sex once a week is so bad he is threatening to go to prostitutes- that's blackmail and a very ugly thing to do.

She has been misguided in giving in to him and pretending - he either has no idea she feels like this yet still wants more, or he may even realise she's not enjoying things but doesn't care - that's what makes him selfish .

ABD, have you read the OP, love ?

ABD - sex two or three times a month is hardly forcing him to be celibate!

OP - I am quite similar in that I really want sex while I'm ovulating and during my period. The rest of the month I'm not that bothered, I enjoy it if we do (or at least don't mind!) but wouldn't initiate. However, my DP knows that whining, threatening and bullying would get him nowhere.

Sure I read the whole thread and I have had a low libido myself. Been there got the T shirt. Know exactly how this works and the hurt it can cause to both sides. No one on this thread is seeing it form both sides except me.

We are talking about a man who has had a loving sexual relationship with one woman for 15 years who suddenly finds she wants a lot less sex. That is what the OP said. He does not understand what is happening and she is not communicating with him. We are not talking about some bloke she met in a nightclub last night.

Anyway, its her relationship. If it is not resolved one way or another it will be destroyed by the resentment on both sides.