I only want to have sex at a certain time of the month(sorry if TMI)!

[sexynonono]

Am a regular but have namechanged.

DH and I have been together about 15 years. He as always been attractive to me and until recently our sex life was pretty good, if not as regular as DH would like.

I noticed recently though that the ONLY time I want to have sex is when I am ovulating. I just cannot abide being touched (or mauled it feels to me) at any other time. I just don't feel like it at all.

In fact, two or three times a month would be enough for me whereas DH would like it at least two to three times a week. He always makes the first move and gets really huffy if I refuse-accuses me of being boring, says he is going to pay for it, I am always tired etc. etc.

The week before my period, I feel like screaming if I give in and let him have his way. I could literally punch him in the face whilst we are in the middle of it. I find it really hard to get enthusiastic, all I am thinking is "just hurry up". Everything he does makes my skin crawl and I feel extremely irritated by the way he kisses me or plays with my nipples. He wanted to go down on me (sorry-am embarrassed typing this) last night and I just didn't want him to-it made me feel like screaming. Physically, I feel nothing when we have sex, it's like I am numb. Actually, I feel one thing-anger. I also feel violated, like I am being touched against my will.

I have said to him I just don't feel like it or I'm not in the mood, but I HAVE to do it at LEAST once a week as it's affecting our relationship and I'm not sure what is wrong with me. I know that it's my hormones that makes me feel like it when I am ovulating, so where does that leave me? I'm frightening myself thinking that I have fallen out of love with my DH.

Has anyone else experienced this and managed to get back what they had?

Once a WEEK is not really low libido territory in a long term marriage - for arguments' sake lets say her husband doesn't realise that she feels quite such revulsion about forcing herself to have sex once a week - he is still that saying he is not getting enough sex and is telling her he will go to prostitutes if he doesn't get more FGS!!!

The issue of her not really wanting to have sex is a totally separate problem as he seems to be blissfully unaware of how she feels, which I'm sure is adding to her mounting resentment.

I agree that the situation needs resolving however.

Well....at first when it seemed this might just be down to hormones I was going to suggest that you get a female hormone panel test done (google it for suppliers/practitioners). You collect saliva over a month and get hormone level readings back. It can show you unusual surges etc that might be having an effect.

However, on reading later posts it seems like this might be about problems in your relationship so that at times of the month when your hormones aren't raging to conceive, you have no wish to be close to him etc..

Nature plays funny tricks mind you, could be nature telling you to find another man who will make you pregnant. Sometimes we are working against our natural instincts.

I once read a post by a woman on MN who said she was no longer in love with her husband and had withdrawn sex in the hope it would force him to have an affair and then that would allow her to put the blame on him and ask for a divorce while telling her children and relatives it was hs fault.

I tend to agree with AnAuntie. The OP has said she no longer feels in love with her DH and that is that.

What LeQueen is saying I do agree with but her suggestion would only work in a loving relationship where both sdes wanted the relationship to work. In this case the OP does not appear to be in love with her DH. She has said so.

It is true men think in straight lines (no offfence taken). One of the straight lines we think in is that when a woman wants to have sex with us and she ejoys it then she loves us. When she stops wanting sex and does not enjoy it then she does not love us. A simple logical conclusion.

In this case I am quite sure the DH is upset and hurt because he already suspects the OP does not want sex because she does not love him and he is right in that feeling. It is not just that he misses the physical pleasure of sex.

so...being called "boring" if you refuse, giving in or else you get the cold shoulder and withdrawal of affection, under threat he will "go and pay or it" if OP doesn't spread 'em....

that's OK then is it ?

as long as he gets what he wants...

all-righty then

'One of the straight lines we think in is that when a woman wants to have sex with us and she ejoys it then she loves us. When she stops wanting sex and does not enjoy it then she does not love us. A simple logical conclusion.'

god, if men are really as stupid as that there is no hope for the species.

I see what ABetaDad is getting at, but the reality of this is that the OP's H is being forceful and bullying to get what he wants - withdrawing affection, threatening to use sex workers and so cheat on her unless she submits... not pleasant at all.

Okay, she has given mixed messages by pretending to get into it, and by doing this (and giving in to the bullying) has built up so much resentment that she is falling out of love with him. You can't blame her for feeling like that, and to be fair to her, he is getting plenty of good quality sex mid month so it's not like this all the time. It's his behaviour that has caused the lack of love - tbh by the sounds of things he doesn't even consider her needs enough to wonder whether she's fallen out of love with him and that's why she doesn't want sex - he could be doing it with a warm plank for all he cares, as long as he gets it when he wants.

The point that ABD keeps conveniently missing is that the OP feels like she has to have sex once a week, whether she likes it or not, with a man who uses nasty manipulaton to get his way, and he still wants more.
So how exactly has she stopped wanting sex in his eyes when she is faking it ( quite well by the sounds of it)?

I think the OP has been very foolish in keeping up the pretense but maybe she thought it was just a blip and she would soon be back to normal - it obviously wasn't and she isn't and now she's in a deep hole with a partner who doesn't sound very understanding.
Actually, by doing this she has found out the kind of person he really is so I'm not surprised she is reacting so extremely negatively when giving in to sex.

I went through something similar when i was on the pill.
First thing you must do is STOP FAKING IT!!!
You have to be honest with him. I agree with ABD up to a point, your DH doesn't know how you feel if you fake enjoyment so he doesn't really think he's doing anything wrong. If you do 'give in' let him know you are just giving in and lie there like a plank of wood, yawn, roll your eyes and look at the clock. I bet he won't push it again once you've done that a few times. Then when you do want it he'll know the difference!
You need to talk to him and ask him what sort of relationship he wants, does he want a wife or a blow up doll?
As for the bullying - that is totally out of order and has to stop. I would seriously threaten him with divorce if it doesn't, he has no right to make you feel violated and threatened.

OMG! I have been there. I had sex with him because I knew that our relationship suffered if we don't. But I totally recognise that sheer rage - I actually fantasised about breaking his nose

But that phase went away. I am still not wildly keen but it's gone back to being OK again and I even initiate it.

BTW he never forced me to I just felt that it had to happen. I know it makes things better outside the bedroom. ANyway the number of times I've heard on here that regular sex is a vital part of a relationship and no matter how good it might be in otherways without sex it's not a marriage blah blah...

There's a huge difference between not being in the mood but thinking " oh go on then" and really quite enjoying it once you get started, and having sex that you definitely don't want and every fibre of your body is being repelled by.
That's something I have never and would never do, it would make a (decent) man feel like a rapist if he ever knew!

It saddens me that people will put themselves through that and put on such a good act that their partner doesn't realise.

I wonder if the resentment builds up so much precisely for that reason, are you lying there thinking - how doesn't he know I hate this?

Would have thought that was exactly the problem...

Thamks everyone for your messages. It's certainly given me a lot to think about.

ABetaDad, I'm certainly not saying that I expect my DH to be celibate and I wouldn't want that either. I would just like to have sex when I want to (which would be about 2-3 times a month) and not everytime my DH does.

But that begs the question-Is is selfish to say, you can have it when I want it but not when you want it. I suppose that's why I've gone along with it. I also don't want to hurt his feelings and that's why I've pretended to enjoy it. I'm sure he would be mortified if he knew what was going around in my brain.

He does get huffy and annoyed with me but has never forced me and I would never forgive him if he did. He never shouts and screams and the comment about "paying for it" is not serious -however it is, IMO, completely unacceptable to say that.

I've done a lot of thinking today and I think that I am just going to have to be honest with him and say for the time being I just don't want it as much and perhaps if I wasn't being pestered constantly for it, I would feel less resentful and maybe would be up for it a bit more. Maybe that will help with the "being in love feeling too".

Wish me luck....!

erm, good luck

agingoth - well after 25 years together with DW and 20 years married it seems that me being 'stupid' still works for us.

I would say that he should start masturbating a lot more when he feels he needs to release the tension. Rather than taking it out on you esp when you are not interested.

But you have to make this clear to him. Say no, be firm and mean it. Don't give mixed signals, because you will just make things worse for both of you.

sexynono - having had a low libido myself for quite some time. I tackled this by making two promises to DW. First, I promised I would initiate when I could and second I promised to find out why I had a low libio and find a solution to the problem. It worked.

If DH is willing to be considerate you cannot expect him to just somehow know when it is OK for him to initiate. As I said earlier in the thread he is not psychic. Neither can you expect hm to be happy to live with it for years. He can play his part and you have to play your part too.

If you do not make those two promises then DH will not have a clue where he stands or what he is allowed to do and it will make the whole situation worse. That will be bad for both of you and no better than where you are now.

Good luck.

abd, surely you wouldn't think DW didn't love you anymore if you went off sex??

Did she assume that when you did?

i might feel peeved etc I suppose if a man didn't want sex, but not unloved, if he showed it in other ways. After all, sexual performance can be affected by physical problems and stress etc.

My point is, surely not all men think THAT simplistically...

sorry, I mean 'didn't love you anymore if SHE went off sex', of course...

btw OP, from what I hear (in dark whispers among friends etc ;)) and from experience of my own marriage (alright, that one collapsed so maybe not such a great example!!) 2-3 times a month is really very normal....there seems to be a general consensus that once you get down to once a month something's wrong, but surely it's all got to do with what each person in the couple wants and whether there's been a steep decline in recent years, etc.

agingoth - that much quoted saying that men have sex to feel loved and women have to feel loved to have sex is fairly (but not entirley) true.

After reading MN for a long time and even looking at the answers on this thread it is clear that men and women look at the issue in fundamentally different ways.

If DW stopped wanting sex with me I would be very hurt and feel very unloved. Of course she loves me in many other ways too so it is not the only thing that matters but it would be very very important.

Also I wonder how many of those relationships where "2-3 times a month is really very normal" the man wants more but does not want to pester his DW/DP or perhaps just does not want to be humiliated anymore by being turned down so just falls into an unhappy silence. How often is this 'norm' in effect is just imposed and not agreed.

There are plenty of threads on MN where women complan about a lack of interest from their DH/DP so it works the other way too of course.

I wonder to how many affairs and how many marriage breakdowns stem from this issue. Just lookinf at what the 'norm' is does not tell us anything about how people really feel.

ABD, stop making generalisations about men and women in relationships please. Whilst I have agreed with a lot of what you have said re more communication, your essentialist approach to gender roles in relationships is not very helpful.

Perhaps you should read this.

I know, just cut to the chase fgs. If you're both happy in a marriage, but one isn't getting enough sex through intercourse, there are other ways to please oneself. It's not rocket science. No need to file for divorce straightaway. Trying different approaches can work too.

I do find it laughable when people assume that if you can't have intercourse with your partner because he/she isn't interested that it's all downhill - why does it have to be? They could just be having an off day. Or it may turn into more than that, in which you adjust to another routine, if you still one to be together. Be experimental.

DH knows what to do with it if I'm not interested. 'Cleaning out the tubes' has more than one useful purpose. I don't mind, he doesn't mind = everyone's a winner. If I can't be bothered with DTD he knows what to do! Surely we're not the only couple in the UK that use this approach?