A supportive thread for those that have left and going it alone.

[Knickers0nMaHead]

thought it might be a good idea to have a thread running. For advice, to moan, rant and whatnot.

Bit of background with me. I have two dcs and left exp after realising he would never change his ways. I moved on the 31st oct, ds 1st birthday and although there are times I wonder why, I am so glad I left.

Feel free to say as much, or as little as you like and I hope this thread can be of some help to anyone.

Good idea indeed.
Im a little further down the line, I left Xp on the 21st November 2004.
He was incredobly abusive in every way.

Ds was 4 with asd and DD was 10weeks old.

we spent 6 months in a refuge and then we found ourselves a new home in an area i'd never even heard of. we were isolated from all our friends and had moved 40 miles away from everything we knew.
After 5 months of struggling bliss, he found us.
I tried covering it when the police were called by my neighbours but after 10 months i had to leave.

WE moved in with my parents and the 6 of my siblings that were still living at home. it was cramped, the children lost all routine and if it weren't for teh fact i was so incredibly gratefull to them for taking us in i would call it hell on earth.
after almost a year the council offered us temporary long term housing.

It is now very nearly 5 years to the day that i left.
I have never questioned my reasons for leaving but i have sometimes, often, considered going back. more because i felt so alone than for a desire to be with him.

I spent 4 years fighheting him through court over access. When i first left i tried everything i could to get him to have a relationship with the children. i honestly believed that whatever happened between us it shouldn't impact on them. He used every attempt to encourage contact as a way of beating/raping me again.
eventually i gave in and realised that he only wanted to see the children to get to me.
He now has fortnightly overnight access. it's not ideal, i question how good a father he is, but the children are happy to see him. he has no contact with me whatsoever.

Its been a long hard 5 years and there have been times when i just wanted to give up.
but im here now and i am happy. leaving him was the very best thing i have ever done.

Hi Knicks

I'm not in your situation so will just say I've thought about it a lot and have great respect for those brave enough to do it.
I hope you are happy and, if you truly believe it to be the right thing for you, can stay strong through what must be a very difficult readjustment period for you and your children.

Hi I will hop on too

I have very recently left emotionally abusive relationship (left on friday) and so this all very raw for me. I feel tired, stressed and emotional but I know I did the right thing and that I won't go back.

Does anyone further down the line have any tips on getting through this difficult stage?

I would love some tips too. Mamazon, wow you have done so so well! I cannot wait til thursday when broadband is sorted then i can chat properly.

Its at this time of night when my brain goes into overload and i keep wondering how i will cope

mamazon is a massive massive inspiration to me. hiya knickers. mamazon can u email me

have done Mehdi.

I posted it on the other thread Aboard but i would say that in teh early days when you think you may be likely to fall for the manipulation that is bound to come, wit down when your calm and quiet and write a list of all the reasons you left.
write another one stating all the things that are better about being away from him.

You will have timies when you think your doing the wrong thing, when yo think you should take him back.
when those times happen don't feel guilty, its perfectly normal. just look at those lists and see the situation with some perspective.

You loved these men at some point so its perfectly reasonable that your going to miss them. its ok that the children still want to see them.

Don't feel l ike you have to be strong, you ARE strong, you prioved that just by leaving. friends and family will try and be supportive in their own irritating way. they will drive you mad but do your best not to bite, however annoying they are you will need them a lot over the next few months.

Accept every single bit of help you are offered.

and last but not least, you are not alone.

I was going to start a new thread, but this one seems ideal. My ex DH left in May. I have gone through lots of ups and downs about whether I have done the right thing, but know deep down I have.

Feeling very alone this weekend, and getting stroppy with the two youngest dc,tired and lots of other emotional things going on and could do with someone to talk to,but I guess you are bound to miss the person who has always been there to moan to at times like this.
Ex hasn't seen the children since July when I took them to see him, why do I feel so guilty for that?

Well done Mamazon,and good luck knickersonmahead.

i split from my exh in nov 05, my idea, he left the family house

i have had until recently, not one bit of help from him, no child support, but plenty of harassment and abuse instead

he didnt see the kids for 14 months once, his choice, and its only in the last 6 weeks roughly that regular contact has started (my instigation tho he has moved locally , just was making excuses to put off seeing them)

he has started having them for 4 or 5 hours on a sunday and the odd other day when i ask, but i have to drop them to him and collect them, or bring him to mine (which i am not keen on)

i also often have to give him money to feed them too, and still get no child support

however seeing as i also have no family who can help out, i have brought them up for the last 4 yrs alone, the few hours i get child free now is lovely

the money thing will be for another day to address

dd1 is now 17.5, dd2 is coming up for 13, ds1 will be 11 in 2 weeks and ds2 is 9 in feb

It is so hard to understand how they (meaning men) can bear to go without seeing their children for so long .
It must be wonderful to have some time to yourself afer 4 years.
I have 4 children too, dd 15, ds will also be 11 in 2 weeks, ds 6 and dd just 3.

Remembering why you left, and enjoying simple pleasures that you weren't allowed before, both help. Oh and take some pride in your appearance. That has helped me rebuild some of my crappy self esteem.

Being brave doesn't feel brave when you're doing it, it's just bleedin terrifying. I still feel like I stepped off a cliff.

Other tips include taking one day at a time, and keeping faith that one day you will find happiness. Don't get too downhearted at setbacks. Setbacks happen all the time, but you have to carry on. Oh, and you only get one life, so even when things are shit, try and have a little bit of fun on the way.

Like the stevie nicks song says 'climbed a mountain, then I turned around'. Think about how you'll feel when you finally do.

x

Just a quicky, will try and catch up properly when net is up and running, so please dont think I am ignoring you. Ata, I have just thought, do you read? I have found that reading at night makes me tired enough to fall asleep without doing much thinking about things. If you are into her, I have some martina cole and mandasue heller books you are more than welcome to, i could hop on a train to you if you want them. I am getting through a book every couple of days!

Hi knickers, you are more than welcome to hop on a train and com see me with books! Would be really nice.

Mamazon - your story always inspires me, you are amazing. I am going to write those lists to look at, I know writing them will be helpful in itself as will reading them back when I feel wobbly.

picmaestress - what a great post, thank you I'm sure any of us reading it will mentally store it as I have done

mpuddleduck and lou33 - you are doing brilliantly raising 4 dcs on your own. It is a shame their dads are so rubbish in terms of contact but not a great deal you can do. Your children will grow up knowing you are always there for them and will soon realise their dad is not. With kids you get back what you put in, I hope years down the line these dads look back with regret regarding their lovely dcs.

I am unsure yet what access / visiting DS and ex will have, am going to see how he behaves in the next few days.... would like DS to see him regularly in an ideal world but will wait and see.

email me when you are settled and if pennies allow, I will come through. I will have the dcs though, is that ok?

How you feeling this morning? im feeling quite positive this morning. we are all up and dressed, and if the weather clears, i may venture out.

i think my kids are already getting fed up with seeing him every weekend tbh

relationships between me and him are not great cos of his harassment and general verbal abuse over the last 4 yrs, but i figured if he was living close by now, the best way was to try and be overly nice (kill him with kindness if you like), so he has no reason to start giving me grief

if i give him unlimited access to them, and let him watch them overnight from time to time it means it benefits me too

and after 4 yrs the odd day or night off is lovely

i find it very hard to be nice at times though

It is absolutlely pouring it down here and I have to go here, there and everywhere. Have kept DS off school. Ex has text me asking if it is unreasonable of him to ask if I could go round there while DS at school. Yeah right!!

Dont reply to him! He will try and talk you round, make you feel guilty!

Lou, i know what you mean about finding it hard to be nice. although exp and i are still on friendly terms, i feel like throttling him when he comes round!

I have replied saying by text saying 'I have a hundred things to do today so can't come round and don't see the need to. Have asked you to call me at six tonight.'

He has sent back a woe is me text, I am now not communicating with him for rest of day. I know he is trying to make me feel bad and if I do engage in a conversation he will do his usual emotional trickery so I am not talking to him. When I speak tonight it will purely be to let him know DS is fine and that he can see him if he respects some boundaries and I feel it is in DS's interests. Or summat.

i tried very hard to remain on good terms with my ex when we split, but it was his choice to not let that be

its only in the last couple of months that i stopped feeling scared of him and started feeling sorry for him (not that i ever let him see that side)

but i still dont trust him or particularly like him

hi all, can I join?

Going through a horrible, messy divorce (including residence dispute ) atm. I originally left the family home last year and have been advised to go back in now () after a horrible year's separation. We were supposed to be trying 'for the kids' but he clearly did not give a sh** and just wants me to go away and leave him and 'his' kids alone.

We are managing to be civil in front of kids but had the most horrible mediation last week in which I am ashamed to say I was reduced to tears and shouting.

Above it all I still miss his friendship and companionship (the love and sex had gone years ago) and feel very lonely. End of another unsuitable relationship this month has exacerbated this.

Very sorry to hear about families in which H's are not seeing kids, that's not a problem I have (H if anything is too possessive about kids and reckons he could manage fine without me) but how horrible for children in that situation.

Mamazon, I echo everyone else's sentiments: what an amazing woman you are- really inspirational.

I hate the whole woe is me. I get this alot. Its guilt tripping when we have nothing to feel guilty about. Especially about money.

Aging, I hope things get resolved for you soon.

H never gives me woe is me, if anything I've done that to him in the past (crying in mediation was probably an example of that - it was when the mediator said he seemed to have got everything and I'd been 'cast adrift')

H just gives me this brick wall thing with occasional outbreaks of icy contempt. Drives me nuts like nothing else.

Are most people's partners guilt tripping about cash? that's one thing I am getting, loads of grumping about how expensive I am.....

Next Wed is my DD's second birthday, and it marks six months exactly since I left ex. I still miss his arms around me, and I miss the good times, when we were a family. But I don't miss the name-calling, being pulled around by my clothes, and the aggression that came out of the blue, often when I was trying to do something nice for him - one Sunday I got up before him and offered to make him coffee, and he screamed at me, saying I was dirty, because I didn't have a shower first, and then he disappeared for the day. I still go over and over in my mind whether it was the right decision, but I always come to the conclusion that it was.

Like agingoth, my ex would prefer to have DD live with him. Good in some ways that he cares about her, but I do worry longer-term that this possessive and controlling attitude towards her isn't all that healthy. At least she isn't living any more in a house that crackles with tension.

omg Nickname, what a horrible event you describe there

better to leave I think, than have your dd have to witness you treated like that.

I feel same about ds's, they are not living in such a horrible atmosphere now. I know I'm moving back to the house (!) but we will have clearly demarcated boundaries and H has undertaken not to be abusive etc (he is a very controlled person so I believe him).

Nickname is he seeking residence?

I have plenty more charming little stories like that! The worst is that he would "punish" me by disappearing with DD for hours on end. He would also physically withhold her from me, and I wasn't prepared to wrestle over her body.

We have a court order by consent, so DD lives with me but has loads of contact with her father, including lots of overnights. On Saturday he called me just to say that court orders mean nothing, and basically I should just let her go to live with him or "we'll see the consequences". I'm pretty sure it's an empty threat, but he likes to keep me off-balance if he can.

Good luck with your moving back, agin. I admire you for doing something so tough for the benefit of your dcs.