A supportive thread for those that have left and going it alone.

[Knickers0nMaHead]

thought it might be a good idea to have a thread running. For advice, to moan, rant and whatnot.

Bit of background with me. I have two dcs and left exp after realising he would never change his ways. I moved on the 31st oct, ds 1st birthday and although there are times I wonder why, I am so glad I left.

Feel free to say as much, or as little as you like and I hope this thread can be of some help to anyone.

omg, how horrible

H used to do the disappearing act with the dcs too, so horrible. Once took them away for a week and told me I couldn't come because I was 'too depressed' and it would affect them.... I could hardly wrestle my way into the car...

holy god what a horrible threat. What is a court order by consent btw? Did he realise he didn't have a chance of pushing an order in his favour through?

Wow - a week? That's awful. Did you know where they were?

Court order by consent - in our case, our solicitors negotiated till we reached an agreement we both felt we could live with, and the judge pretty much rubberstamped it. It's a bit like mediation but with someone else doing the negotiation on your behalf. I wanted to do it this way because I felt I couldn't hold my own in mediation (I believe you experienced this - when there is a pattern of one party dominating, you need a very skillful mediator to prevent this happening), and I wanted a legally-binding agreement as ex is from another continent. More expensive than mediation, but it stopped ex steamrollering over me.

i have never had a penny from exh towards the kids, in fact he stole money from me and withheld a sum when we split, saying he needed it more, and i often end up giving HIM money now to get food for the kids when he has them

i ended up going bankrupt because the money he stole on my credit cards pushed my repayments over the edge, and then the low interest rate i was on went sky high, etc

That's terrible, lou. I haven't had a penny here, either - in fact, ex has asked me for money. I'm thanking my lucky stars that we didn't have a joint credit card. He's maxed out his and not paid anything, so it's been cancelled. The sense of entitlement is unbelievable.

it was the only credit card i had left to use whilst he was being removed from the other

i didnt even know he knew his pin, he always used to say he didnt

i was held liable for it as he was a named cardholder

holy god lou how appalling

thank god you are now free of him.

I am lucky with H in financial terms, with his being so devoted to the kids he throws money at them. Can't knock him for support to them.

Nickname, he is always booking weeks with his parents on holidays etc and saying 'well it's booked now' etc, I can kick up a fuss but he just takes them anyway and accuses me of being 'abusive'....

Can I join??

I have 2 Dcs 4 and 21mths and its 6mths since I asked H to move out. He went back to his family in Ireland.

In some ways its much easier (as he was like a 3rd child )

But find the no let up from kids tough especially as DS has just started school and comrs back home in a very bad mood in the eves.

H has seen the kids once since he moved out and I had to text his sister and say he had not called kids for 2mths

She had words and he now calls every Friday, lets see how long that lasts..

He did not send present for DS's 4th birthday saying he could not afford it but he does not pay maintenance.

My parents taking Dcs over to Ireland in 2wks time for 3 days to see the family there. Bit worried about it tbh as H has mental health problems (why we split) and the rest of the family have not called to see how kids are once in 6mths

not called for 2 months

how do the kids deal with that simpson? suppose the 21 month old may not remember much of his dad by now, but your 4 year old must feel fed up with him.

I just can't fathom how these blokes can disappear like this....

Don't really know what DS thinks tbh

I know he will not want to be on his own with H when he sees him and DD won't even know who he is and all H keeps saying to me on phone is what a lovely picture he has of them on the mantle peice

If he is happy with just a picture then

I am very lucky in that both Dcs have male role models in my family who they are close to which does help but I do worry about the long term implications of effectively being abandoned by their family in Ireland (hence trip that is coming up to to build bridges etc)

wrt my exh (who i am still not divorced from yet despite it being my greatest desire), he said he had to go "heal himself" as his excuse for disappearing for all that time

my youngest said once that he had forgotten what his dad looked like

lou

When we had a leaking tap pouring weater in the kitchen H left the house saying he could not cope and left me to deal with water and 2 young Dcs

oh that reminds me of when a pipe broke on my boiler, and water was spraying out everywhere, like some stupid sitcom situation, i was soaked trying to stop it

luckily it was cold water, and i managed to get hold of my (usually) flakey plumber friend who told me what to do to sort it til he could come round and fix it

the joys of single parenthood

it's not as bad as unblocking the toilet i guess

yes have just had another massive flood in house

The tap incident was several yrs ago btw. Don't have lots of floods or anything

Have hole size of a tennis ball in my ceiling and the floor needs ripping out of bathroom/loo.

My not so dh moved to the other end of the country,despite being offered a job not far from where we live, he said he needed the support of his old friends and family,he now has a job and is talking about buying a house, it was a joint decision to move here and I feel so sad for the children, what about support for them?

oh no how shit

When i first clicked back onto this thread i was alittle saddened that there are so many of us, but actually, there are so many of us that have Escaped. It's a good thing. its a lot more upsetting to know that there are so many more women out there still suffering.

I have also never recieved a penny. He has told me he refuses to work whilst there is a chance i can "steal all his money"

I know that he does work, he has a few casual employers and i know for a fact that he is getting good money.

even though he now has the children fortnightly he messes them around. he has cancelled on them last minute many times, last time was because his weekend clashed with his new GF's birthday

he has caused me no end of trouble. He has run up debts in my name after i left him, i cannot prove fraud so i am liable for the debts....about £17k last time i checked. He used my car as security on one debt and i ended up getting it repossessed.
He is so slippery its almost unbelievable. he seems to swan about doing these things and there is nothing i can do to stop him.

He is well known to the police for violance but he never seems to get charged and sentanced for anything. its so frustrating.

It's taken me a long time to get over the fact that despite DS seeing (being forced to watch) a lot of what happened, he still wants a relationship with him. Its hard to hear him speak so lovingly about his father when i know him for the utter arsehole that he really is.

But you know what? i have realised that there will become a time when the children will see for themsleves. its not a time i look forward to as thehy will be heartbroken, but i know it will happen. if i try and bring it forward i will do nothing but cause a rift in our own relationship and i wont allow him to do that to us.

"It's taken me a long time to get over the fact that despite DS seeing (being forced to watch) a lot of what happened, he still wants a relationship with him. Its hard to hear him speak so lovingly about his father when i know him for the utter arsehole that he really is."

Mamazon that must be extremely hard to deal with. Although I never witnessed my dad physically abusing my mum, he did abuse me but I still trotted off to see him every weekend. I now no longer have anything to do with him. You are right your dcs will come to a stage where they look at all the facts and their memories of their dad and make their own judgement. I think as a child it is hard as they are made from their parents, addressing that a parent is bad in some way can make them feel they have that in them too and leave them feeling guilty and ashamed which is more than most dcs can understandably deal with. Even now as an adult I find the whole thing saddens me and wish I could have had a different dad.

Its hard but i am ok with it now.
DS has got to an age where i am able to discuss it with him ( when he brings it up)

I have never been negative about his dad in front of him as i know the damage that can cause. But when he says things thaht he remembers and he tells me that it was my fault for making daddy angry i talk him through what he remembers and i ask him if its ok to behave that way, if its ok to hit someone if they upset you etc etc.

Not only do i hope that it will help him see what happened for what it is, but also so that he doens't think that such behaviour is acceptable.

I am trying very hard to get him some form of therapy/counselling for what he saw. He was forced to watch horrific things and its kills me to know that his little mind must be swimming with all these emotions that just get more and more muddled. the older he gets t he more he seems to understand of what he witnessed. whereas when he was younger he would have remembered mummy and daddy playing on the bed, as he grows older he will realise that i was being raped/hit/ spat on etc etc.
It can be nothing but damaging.

Sadly there simply aren't resources for getting children who have been involved in Dv help.

Can I become an honorary member? I haven't actually left him yet, we are separated but living together. I did manage, via mediation, to get some money out of him and I am buying a house for me and the girls. It seems to be taking an age to complete but the end of the month seems possible still. Every day that I spend in this 'prison' is one day closer.

I'm fortunate not to have been the victim of abuse like others here, other than emotional abuse. He is controlling and manipulative and I couldn't see that for a long time. He was not at all impressed when I started to stand up to him and still acts bewildered that I have decided the marriage is over.

I am so impressed by all of you, especially AboardtheAxiom, whose thread I have been following with interest - and a little envy, AtA, that you managed to get out before I did!

Lilac, I was in the same position this time last year - separated but living in the same house. That, and the mediation sessions, were the worst times of my life. Good luck with moving out and buying somewhere. I can't find anything to buy and am renting, which is costing me a fortune, but it's a thousand times better than living with ExH.

you are all such wonderfully brave and strong women. I truly am in awe at some of the stories I have read here.

You are an inspiration. Thank God for Mumsnet

I second that fraggletits,I find myself in a position where I can't really talk to anyone in real life about the things that are happening to my family, I think I would have gone completely mad without MN.

i am a long way down the line....
my two boys are now 17 and 21 and i asked my ex to go when they were 1.5 and 5.
Cant say it hasnt been hard both financially and mentally...its been so lonely at times and ive shed buckets of tears for the relationship i craved. My ex went off with his fiancee whilst i was prenant with DS2 and it took me 1.5 years to pluck up the courage to ask him to go.

16 years down the line we are best of friends and probably get on better now,than we did before. It has always been amicable even throughout the split and i would advise anyone to keep it like that, for the sake of the children.

Lilac, exp and i seperated in april 08 but i had nowhere to go. I stuck my name on the council list and stuck it out. In that time we decided to try again, and again, and again. We then decided that when i moved, we would just date. But the day i picked my keys up was the day i decided i just couldnt be with him. mine isnt even a 3rd as bad as what some of you have gone through. he was only violent twice, and both times i pushed him to it. it was most emotional. i could not say i was depressed after having both dd and ds, because he was more depressed. i hid it from everyone. i pushed my bf away because she was having her own problems. as it happens, when i told her about things that happened, and when i once posted on mn, she namechanged and warned people from me and basically called me a liar. she namechanged again and i often see her posting, although for a while i didnt know it was her. thats when i stopped talking to people in rl. after finding out my bf thought of me as a liar, and a bad parent (she emailed ss with her concerns), i started doubting everything, thinking everyone thought like she did. after that, anything exp said, i took to heart. we used to really take the piss out of each other, in a jokey way, but i couldnt handle it anymore. all this with bf happened just after i had a mc in march, drank vodka and sh (i have a history as a teen with this) and i so so so needed someone to talk to. but, im here now, with my beautiful dc, and i know that they are going to be brought up in a loving peaceful house where mummy and daddy arnt shouting at each other. been sat here toying with the idea whether to post this as i know it will be read by ex bf but oh well. sorry for droning on.

Knickers that's awful

Lilac sounds like a difficult situation having ot live together when you are desperate to get out, I can totally empathise. It seemed to take me an age but you will get there.

Mamazon sorry to hear there aren't many resources for dcs in your son's situation. Hav you tried your local branches of WA, Barnados, NSPCC and so on? Sure you have but thought would mention just in case. I'm sure services will vary from area to area.

alypaly I am hoping I can keep things amicable enough for DS to feel secure, ex will play a part in this too I guess but I am hoping if he can see I will be reasonable he will be too.