Boyfriend going on about how beautiful other women are[envy]

[BobDowne]

Hi i need some help! Not sure if it's me being all unreasonable and jealous and needy but this is really pissing me off!
Been separated from emotionally controlling ex for several years, been in first proper relationship since then for almost a year now.
He is a lovely man and i'm in love with him but really not feeling the same back.
In the first few months we were seeing each other he would talk about ex-girlfriends a lot, even what they were like in bed and how pretty they were, etc. I told him i could not handle that and would rather not hear it, so he did rein it in a bit, but now always seems to be lusting after someone on the telly- usually some gorgeous 20 yr old! It makes me feel so unwanted and unloved. I've tried to talk to him about this and he's not very sympathetic, says it's because i've got low self-esteem. I know i have but this really isn't helping!
Shouldn't the early stages of a relationship make you feel all loved up and secure?! Not minging and old.
He does occassionally say nice things to me but never shows his emotions. I try very hard not to get all jealous and needy and just enjoy being with him but i'm not doing very well.
Sorry it's a long one - any thoughts?

I think you know the answer if you're honest with yourself. He has no respect, end of.

he's not the guy for you imo.

You shoudln't feel like that, and he sounds immature.

ps, i love or used to love Bobdowne!

That's what i say - i say yeah yeah! Didn't you love his safari suits piratecat?

It's true isn't it - he's not the one for me. I'll have to face up to it. But we have some lovely times together and i get on well with his kids. It is nice to have some adult company and if I end it I know I'll really miss him.

But I end up feeling all miffed and heartbroken every time he does this. I've tried asking him how he would feel if i went on about men in the same way and he said it wouldn't bother him! Now as i said to him, that says to me that he doesn't care about me. You want your partner to feel a bit of jealousy it's only natural surely?

ehm. bad news. You have got yourself another controlling type there. If you plan on sticking with it for a while I suggest you present the appearance of one who is Not Bothered by his fancies for other women. Play along, say ooh yeah I can see why you would fancy her. etc. Once he thinks its not having the desired effect on you he will look for another way to undermine your self confidence.

Agree with starlight. My dp is appreciative of beautiful classy women but so am I. I'm not gay but I can appreciate their beauty more in an artistic way really. Of course dp may find them attractive but he doesn't oggle them or make suggestive comments. He's older though but I don't think he'd have done it years ago either as he's very respectful.

It doesn't look like your man is going to change does it? He seems to just be ignoring you

You will feel better if you end it. Not at first but when you meet someone worthy of you then you'll look back and realise. Although looks like you have already?

Oh no, do you think he's doing it on purpose?

Maybe i would be better off on my own again. He never wants to go out with me anywhere either. Says he gets too tired. I know he used to go to the local pub with his ex, who's very attractive by the way - and he was 'blown away' when he first found out she liked him!

I must be a right munter.

I can appreciate beautiful women too - but making grunty noises and licking your lips is taking it too far...

I'm going against what other people have said here but I think it's unreasonable for him to keep on mentioning exes but perfectly fine for him to appreciate the beauty of slebs and tv people. It's pretty normal IMO and so long as he's not also putting you down I think you should reign in the envy a bit.

grunty noises and licking lips??

eeewww eeewww eeewww.

/boak

bin the twat fer fuck's sake woman!

He is being disrespectful.
You deserve to be respected.
Don't put up with someone who treats you in a way you wouldn't dream of treating them.

well he must be doing it on purpose if you've asked him not to surely?

Yes, you would be better off on your own.

No, you are certainly not a 'right munter'.

He may not be conciously doing it on purpose but the reason is probably to make himself feel better (ie, he has low self esteem) and therefore wants to chip away at yours.

You really can do a lot better than this and deserve to. You are not overreacting, someone who loves you and respects you should not make you feel this way.

You're worth 10 of him.

I've tried giving him the same treatment when an attractive man comes on the telly but i just can't do it convincingly and i really don't think it would bother him anyway!

I wish i could rein in the envy, i have been trying for months now, but if he's not making me feel loved and secure - what is the point?

I don't think you need to 'rein in the envy'. As the other ladies have said, it's ok to find other people/celebs attractive but it is the way he is showing this that is disrespectful and hurtful.

You have told him it makes you feel bad so therefore he mustn't care?! My dh fancies Beyonce but he certainly doesn't grunt when she comes on tv and he says things along the lines of 'It's good that she's got a bit of meat on her, like you, I like curvy women etc etc' you know, things that make me feel nice about myself. You see the difference?

I asked him earlier when he'd been going on about cheryl cole if he thought i was attractive and he said 'you've got a great body'!!!!
Never mind the head, eh?

Oh just ignore him, it's so immature it's not even worth it. Talk about back handed comliment. What makes him so special anyway? Does he think Cheryl is waiting for him?

I just think he's completely insensitive. He once told me i looked like a young esther rantzen.
Am i supposed to take that as a compliment? By the way my teeth aren't that bad...

He can be quite sweet at times and very funny. He just seems to have no idea how to treat a woman, and i'm guessing that has something to do with why all his previous girlfriends have left him. Either that or 'he's just not that into' me.

Esther Rantzen wonderful compliment, not!

Well, tbh, I dont' really think it matters why he is like this cause you've brought it to his attention and he's still like it!

We all have a little voice inside us, listen to yours, i'm sure it'll tell you you can do better

Thanks Dalrymps, i was more confident before i met him - come to think of it!
This has to stop. But i can't face trying to find anyone else, I should just be on my own and turn into mad cat lady off the simpsons. My son (teenager) did say once when when she was on 'oh look mum it's you!'

I don't think it's time to be 'mad cat lady' just yet!

If you can't face 'trying' to find someone else then don't!

Just focus on being yourself and getting back to you for a while, we often find the right kind of people when we're not even looking

Go out, have fun, do whatever you want without being out down all the time!

I'm off to bed now, will check thread tomorrow.

Sleep well

I think the main thing is He Is Just Not That Into You. He's not really bothered about your feelings. He quite likes having a partner in that he gets some meals cooked for him, some sex, and to look like a normal heterosexual monogamist in public, but as far as he is concerned, anyone would do.

Now you could take a relationship with someone like this on its own terms ie you get some sex, some company and some fun, but if what you want is a committed supportive partnership, you're not going to get it from this bloke.

Hi Solidgoldbangers -like the name.
Ouch that hurt but it's all so true. I've tried to just enjoy the relationship for what it is, and yes i do feel like anyone else would do for him and he obviously doesn't think i'm anything special.
I've got some serious thinking to do as i really think i need more than this out of a relationship with a man.
I'm on the verge of tears now realising that it can't carry on any more.

BD, sorry you are feeling bad. But please remember you don't have to put up with this. You can tell him to piss off and, if you want a partner, find a nice one.