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Original poster

Boyfriend going on about how beautiful other women are[envy]

56 replies

BobDowne · 14/11/2009 22:29

Hi i need some help! Not sure if it's me being all unreasonable and jealous and needy but this is really pissing me off!
Been separated from emotionally controlling ex for several years, been in first proper relationship since then for almost a year now.
He is a lovely man and i'm in love with him but really not feeling the same back.
In the first few months we were seeing each other he would talk about ex-girlfriends a lot, even what they were like in bed and how pretty they were, etc. I told him i could not handle that and would rather not hear it, so he did rein it in a bit, but now always seems to be lusting after someone on the telly- usually some gorgeous 20 yr old! It makes me feel so unwanted and unloved. I've tried to talk to him about this and he's not very sympathetic, says it's because i've got low self-esteem. I know i have but this really isn't helping!
Shouldn't the early stages of a relationship make you feel all loved up and secure?! Not minging and old.
He does occassionally say nice things to me but never shows his emotions. I try very hard not to get all jealous and needy and just enjoy being with him but i'm not doing very well.
Sorry it's a long one - any thoughts?

OP posts:
echt · 15/11/2009 01:56

OP - sorry if someone's said this already, but you've gone from one controlling twunt to another. This is not your fault, but does indicate a tendency you need to watch out for.

He is an arse and you really should kick him to the kerb.

I was once involved with a prick like this - the idolising of the ex-GF - dead and so completely perfect.
The idolising of the last bint who got shut of him; also out of reach.

And so on. Get the picture?

Get rid. He won't change.

BitOfFun · 15/11/2009 06:25

If he doesn't make you feel good, just move on and forget it. My partner, as an artist, certainly appreciates a good-looking woman, but he would never be so disrespectful of my feelings or make me feel less than gorgeous.

You don't need someone who makes you feel shit and then tells you you have low self-esteem like it's your fault.

Dalrymps · 15/11/2009 09:37

How you feeling today BobDowne?

I just want to point out that just because he 'doesn't seem that bothered' and 'thinks you're nothing special' doesn't mean you aren't special and that no one will be 'bothered' about you.

There are several lovely, kind, respectful men out there who will treat you the way you deserve and will recognise that you are special and worthy and a wonderful person to be with

StarlightMcKenzie · 15/11/2009 09:52

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Original poster
BobDowne · 15/11/2009 09:58

Morning! Thanks for all your great advice. I didn't sleep much last night, kept waking up and thinking about the things he said yesterday.

I'm going to try to forget about him today, go into town and do something nice. maybe see if a friend can meet up with me ( but don't want it to turn into a man whinging session!)

He's not going to change is he? And he does make me feel insignificant and worthless. Bugger.

OP posts:
Curiousmama · 15/11/2009 10:58

Sorry you had a bad night. You sound as if the penny's dropped though. Maybe you won't dump him overnight but once the realisation sets in it's usually curtains.

Hope you have a nice day, go treat yourself and work on your self esteem. It's interesting what starlight said about having the confidence because she felt she looked good. It really is inner isn't it? I know I find confident friendly people much more attractive to be around than dour beauties.

Original poster
BobDowne · 15/11/2009 11:14

Yes so do I curiousmama. I try to be confident in myself and know that looks aren't everything.
However he makes it clear that looks are important to him and clearly I don't come up to necessary standards for him, and it's knocking what little confidence I have out of me.
Time to move on i think!

OP posts:
picmaestress · 15/11/2009 11:22

Oh dear, he sounds mean. I bet you're not a munter. Please don't waste the rest of your life with someone like this.

Curiousmama · 15/11/2009 11:43

BodDowne you probably are attractive, his opinion doesn't mean it's real. He's got no self confidence so he tries to knock yours. People are attractive for all different reasons, how they dress, speak, move, treat others...etc... some just have nice energy to be around. I sound like Cesar Millan now

Have a good day and like you say try to not dwell on his irrelevance.

autumnlight · 15/11/2009 12:08

I agree. Don't go down the same road and get caught in the same trap as with the previous one.

Morloth · 15/11/2009 12:16

Tell him to not let the door hit him in the arse on the way out.

DH notices beautiful women, hell so do I! I notice attractive men.

We have even been known to comment to each other about it, but never and I stress never in a comparative way.

If I thought for a second my saying a man was attractive was upsetting DH, I wouldn't say it because I have no interest in hurting his feelings.

StarlightMcKenzie · 15/11/2009 13:42

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StarlightMcKenzie · 15/11/2009 13:47

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thisxgirl · 15/11/2009 13:50

I agree with some posters that perhaps HE is insecure and using this to undermine your self-confidence.

It's hard to spot that when you're involved. I'm having a sort of similar thing with my DP and it's taken my friends to say, "he's doing this because he's insecure". He never comments on other women other than to say somebody is 'pretty' now and then (no problem) but he'll often look at pictures friends have taken of me, say on Facebook - usually ones where I actually look my best on a night out, where I look like I'm having fun and for whatever it's worth, men have approached me through the night so I can't've looked that bad - and say, "you look horrible in that! That's a bad picture." It's like he's threatened by how attractive the picture may be to another man. Similarly, an artist friend of mine - my best friend's ex - asked me and another girl if he could take individual portrait shots of us for a project he's doing. He sells internationally and there was nothing dodgy about it whatsoever - just my face with the sun behind it on a 6ft canvas. He took one look at the portrait and said I looked 'ugly' in it even though everybody else loved it. When I tell him I find that offensive, he says "I just mean because you're a pretty girl and it doesn't show in that,"...his compliments just feel moderate, like the type of things he could say to his sister.

My point is, don't take it personally - it's about his insecurity, not that you don't measure up. He sounds particularly disrespectful by not altering his behaviour to save your feelings and he won't change by the sounds of it. You deserve much better and CAN get better!

Curiousmama · 15/11/2009 17:10

thisxgirl your dp sounds awful, how long have you been together and was he always like that? Saying you're ugly is so horrid I can't believe it.

thisxgirl · 15/11/2009 19:38

Curiousmama, just over 4 years. He is complimentary - he will often say I look "nice" (nothing too overboard!) or say something like, "I meant the picture is ugly...you're a pretty girl and it doesn't do you justice." He sometimes gets wound up by having "an attractive girlfriend" because his mates pay me attention and such. I don't doubt for a second that he fancies me but when he is threatened by a photograph, he tries to undermine my confidence by making me feel like it's unflattering. He would never admit that.

SolidGoldBangers · 15/11/2009 21:00

ThisXgirl, your partner sounds like a nasty bellend. He's deliberately trying to make you believe you're not pretty enough, though what he is actually thinking is that you are too pretty (and might run off with Other Men) - so he feels the need to destroy your confidence and convince you that he is the only man who will ever put up with you and therefore you should be grateful to him and indulge his every whim.

wreckofhesperus · 15/11/2009 21:13

Absolutely! I was involved with a man like that for two years and at the end of it felt that I was a fat, ugly old bag who no-one would look at twice. I was a size 12 (and I'm bloody gorgeous ). He used to constantly nag me about my weight because he "didn't want to go out with a fat bird". I can't believe I put up with the stupid arse for two years. And he was hardly Adonis. W*anker. Phew - anyway, men treating women with this kind of belittling, controlling behaviour are really not worth being with.

I know it sounds a bit trite but I think if your partner doesn't enhance your life they probably shouldn't be in it.

skidoodle · 15/11/2009 21:16

"i was more confident before i met him"

then this relationship is very bad for you and you need to end it.

"going on" about how beautiful other women are is a classic sign of a knobhead.

you can think other are attractive and mention it from time to time without having to go on about it.

people who spend a lot of time talking about how attractive they find famous people they'll never know are boring and unimaginative.

looks may be important to him, but surely you also have your standards? do you really want to be going out with someone with so drab?

forehead · 15/11/2009 21:25

He is insecure and is trying to make you insecure. He is obviously trying to controL you. Please GET RID OF HIM.

Original poster
BobDowne · 15/11/2009 21:51

Thisxgirl - your post was very interesting, how do you deal with his comments? It's really good that you seem secure enough to stay confident and not let his remarks get to you. Does he make you feel secure in other ways? Does he say he loves you? That is missing from my relationship.

I also remembered that when bf said i looked like a young esther rantzen it was in a photograph of me from a few years ago - and other people had said before that they thought it was a lovely picture of me! Ring any bells?!

Wreckofhesperus that's awful - what an arse! Reminded me that bf has told me i've been putting weight on, I have a bit - only a few pounds and I put that down to going on the pill. I'm a size 12 so it doesn't bother me and he's no skinny minnie so he can sod off!

OP posts:
AnAuntieNotAMum · 15/11/2009 22:52

This is a considered a classic book for helping people with low self-esteem...

Overcoming Low Self-Esteem by Melanie Fennell

www.overcoming.co.uk/single.htm?ipg=5229

Morloth · 16/11/2009 09:39

Why do you keep him around? What is he for? I just don't get it.

Original poster
BobDowne · 16/11/2009 09:50

That does sound like a good book, I'll try to get hold of it.
We have had some really nice times together and I've tried to convince myself that he does love me - and just can't talk about emotional stuff. But it's not really enough for me. I need some reassurance now and then!

OP posts:
mummee09v · 16/11/2009 10:05

bobdowne

i am so sorry to hear you are suffering so much at the hands of this IDIOT!!!

what it sounds like to me is that you are probably very attractive, and he isn't (or thinks he isn't) hence he feels "out of your league" so he is using these put down tactics to make you feel shit about yourself so you feel lucky to have him.

but to put it bluntly - you are NOT lucky to have him, he is lucky to have YOU but he is treating you terribly and in my expereince these men don't change so if i were you i'd get out and find someone who isn't a controlling twat!!!

my ex husband was like this, he hated other men looking at me or if i got compliments, he would try and tell me what to wear on nights out (ie he didnt like me showing too much flesh) and he would subtly put me down and vehe hated to compliment me. and now i am out of it i can see that i was WAY out of his league the whole time i was with him and that was why he acted like he did!!!