sister trouble

[lilandbill2009]

evening all wont bore you with all the details but my sister doesnt talk to me and my mum over my mum taking my daughter on hoilday . hasnt spoken to me for 2 yrs even though our children go to the same school

yesterday i heard that a good friend of hers had died so i went round to her house with a card and a bunch of flowers.

when i was leaving i said to her dont you think its time to sort thing out between the 3 of us and she told me as far as she concerned her mother died 2 yrs ago and that she has done her grieving and moved on and she told me to deal with it !!!!!!! wtf

anyway told my mum what has happened and my mum is now refusing to send her ds xmas and christmas presents saying that if your dead you cant send presents from the grave i can see her point but i dont know what to do for the best any advice please

Im so sorry ... your sis sounds so cold ... hard to imagine this is her only motivation for the big fall out ... think there must be alot more to this tho

Sounds very odd indeed.

Fwiw my own sister has refused to speak to me for a year now and I don't understand why - there was some pretext for it initially but I don't think that was the true reason.

I am not certain there is anything you can do. It is very painful isn't it. The worst thing I did was retaliate/stand up to her, initially, (and be rather rude) which just made her end communication completely...since then have been civil and sent nice things etc, she has also sent birthday cards, but nothing important has been discussed and no sign of it letting up.

I feel very alone without her as we were always close even if we were scrapping.

I don't want to lose her...maybe she will come back one day. I dunno

I hope you can find a way to wait or cope without her for now...it's hard isn't it.

there is a lot more to this .my sister cannot have her own children but she now has 2 adopted sons and i have 2 children .there has always been a bit of jealousy over my daughter ever since she was born.when the children used to fight my sister would always ring up my mum and lay the blame on my daughter ect ect .but because my mum took my daughter on hoilday to spain she also booked to take her son to spain a week later.

i think what annoyed her was that she didnt know about my daughter going. but my mum never did treat the children any differently

but because my sisters ds has special needs ny mum found it hard taking then together shes in her 60s so no spring chicken .but this also happened around the time i was pregnant with my 2nd child so was she jealous about me being pregnant who knows .the sad thing is that my sister doesnt know my son and when i asked her that her reply was so what deal with it !!!!!!!!i can honestly say that i cannot believe what came out of her mouth but i will deal with it and i will carry on like i have been for the last 2yrs i just feel sorry for the older children because they go to the same school
thanks for your replys
xx

Gosh it sounds awful

It's odd that you mention the children and maybe this is at the root of it.

Mine also wanted her own children, but she is gay and a few years ago she married another woman - who is lovely and they are very hapy - but my SIL doesn't really want to adopt or any other options so sister is stuck. I mentioned that maybe this was why she was angry with me - I also have two, and live near our mum who used to help out a lot with them - we have moved further away now. But I am sure sister was jealous of my having been able to have children and also of being near our mum...which I would rather not have been but there you go! It's not very rational. But I believe for them it must be incredibly intense pain to see us having kids and not be able to themselves - even if yours has adopted it might feel like it isn't quite the same.

My sister reacted badly when I asked her if this was behind it all so my guess is it is

I'm really sorry for your children too and hope they manage to grow up having a good friendship through being at school together.

It seems such a shame ut I doubt there is much you can do about your sis apart from wait for her to sort out her own issues.

Plus I think if I were you I would try and explain to your mum how upset you think your sister is, or maybe jealous, and that she is finding it hard to cope with and maybe they need a chat - or something, so your mum doesn't just think she is being arsey iyswim. Because my mum has continued to treat us both equally throughout and if she didn't, I think my sister would get even more upset and angry at being excluded (as she sees it)

I think that might be a danger here. Make sure your mum gets it across that she loves your sister as much as you, and loves her children as much as yours as well...she could send a card with a message saying something like how pleased she is to have both sets of grandchildren and it doesn't matter if they are adopted.

Something like that might get through...I don't know. But don't let her give up just yet.

Can I just clarify?
Has yormum ever taken any of your sisters children on holiday?

Is there any chance your mum favoured you a bit over her as you were growing up?

I only ask as your sister's reaction sounds very similar to my own mother - her mum always favoured my aunt, and when my grandparents took my aunt's children to Disneyland but not me or my brother, my mum flipped out over it. She saw it as my grandmother continuing the favouritism with the grandchildren, whereas really we just had other plans which my grandma knew about.

It must have been upsetting also to go through the experience of not being able to have babies, especially if you were (not that you should feel guilty about it obviously, but she may have been jealous).

FWIW although it's too late now, I wouldn't have told your mother that your sis said she is dead to her. I don't think that would achieve anything positive, and I guess if your sis wanted your mum to know that, she would have told her and not you...maybe in future don't pass on the conversation as it'll only further damage the relationships between all of you.

Also I think your mother is going to make things SO much worse by ignoring your sister's children. They have no involvement in this, why should they suffer? Plus it'll only serve to further convince your sister that her children are not seen as being as important as yours...if that is what she feels (which it sounds like)

Turning this around:

Your ds has two dc - adopted, with SN.

Your dm took your -birth child, non-SN - dd on holiday.

Does your dm really not treat them any differently?

Some grandparents would go out of their way to be more accommodating to the SN dc, on the principle that the parents might appreciated the break, etc.

And then ...

Why repeat the comment your ds made about your dm?

Why did your dm react like that?

If they were not adopted dc and didn't have SN, would she really be so OK about retaliating to you ds' comments by withdrawing affection from the (uinvolved) dc?

That is just another way of viewing the situation. AsQueenofhearts has suggested, perhaps your dm is not wholly uninvolved in this. Perhaps your ds has a point.

From the outside - and it IS from the outside, I don't know any of you, and families build up resentments over lifetimes - it looks to me like your dm isn't entirely as accepting of your ds' dc. Given that your ds LOVES those dc, that must be awful for your ds.

thanks for the response
let me clear a few things up my sisters oldest boy has special needs .her youngest boy she has only just had him placed with her a few weeks ago and is waiting to adopt him.he is fine as far as i know

so me or my mum hasnt had any contact with him.
my mum used to have my sisters ds at the weekend and sometimes during the week and took him on hoilday a couple of times a year

my mum also used to take my daughter and my sisters ds on hoilday together once a year and she took them seperatley on hoilday aswell

my mum has always been closer to my sister there is a 10 year age gap between us

our dad died when i was 10 so they were really close

only 1 of my sisters ds has special needs but he is in main stream school and has a helper for half of the day

my mum is heart broken that she cannot see my sis ds she loves her little boy and misses him really badly.and NO she does not treat them any differently .more so sisters ds got away with more than my daughter did iykwim she used to make allowances for him xx

i told my mother what my sister had said because this whole situation has made my mother ill and i think she had a right to know .i would want to know if my dd had said something like that.but thats just my own opinion please dont shoot me

and also my sister never wanted any children .when my mum used to ask her when she was going to start a family my sister used to say not everyone wants to be a mum you know.......she was married for 12 yrs before they even started trying for a family and then they found out that it was her husband who couldnt have them.so they tried ivf didnt work (which my mum helped pay for )

and then when i got pregnant with my dd they decided to adopt

i just feel sorry for my dd and my sis ds they were brought up together as brother and sister cos they were always together every day and now they only see each other at school

Do you think your dm and dsis are similar? Your mum's comment about not being able to send presents from the grave, and you sis saying 'deal with it' to you.

They both sound very strong characters determined to stick to their course of action.

Will read your posts more throughly later.

yes chunky they are this is a no win situation

Resentment over gramdmas favouring one set of grandchildren over another - my friend hasn't spoken to her mum for a long time over this issue, also bad feeling that's built up over years.

Is there any way your mum can try to rise above it and make the first move? Write a letter?

Ooh, poor you.

so what caused the rift between your dm and your ds? Was it something clear (and so might blow over) or something murky and unclear?

I wonder if it's likely to blow over - they'll heal it and you'll just end up feeling as though you've been chewed up in the middle of it. Or maybe they won't - and you still risk being mauled in the middle of it.

No advice, just a big sigh. Well, maybe a little - just take care not to get to pulled into it all. I think you risk getting hurt.

You sound quite sad about having been left slightly to the side of their intensity when you were all younger. I wonder if this is more of their intensity between each other, which sort of leaves you out. If so, sympathy again.

thanks cherryblossoms i think i will leave it now no point talking to the wall they are both head strong thanks for all of you who replied xxxx

dont know what caused the rift it all started over the hoilday with my dd

but my sister always likes to know whats going on and i think cos she never knew thats what started it