Always lying, mad, random lies.

[Changedfortoday]

As the name suggests, I'm a name changed regular

OK, so I'm with DP of 10 years, we have a 3yo. We separated for 1.5 years, moved back in together nearly a year ago to try again.

We have a whole heap of crappy relationship issues that even you good ladies couldn't tackle all at once. But the lying thing is coming to a head. Examples:

I've found emails from him recently to people we don't see (old friends, school friends etc) casually claiming to have been in the French Foreign Legion for a few years, to have been running a multi squillion pound business and similar lies. Seriously, the French Foreign Legion.

He constantly lies casually about anything he does. A part time night course is "University", he promotes himself when describing his past jobs (he's currently unemployed) and I'm not just talking a bit of creative writing on a CV.

He lies all the time to me about small things, what he's done that day even. He just seems to find lying as easy as the truth and so lies even when it doesn't matter.

I've tried to be a bit understanding - it's embarrassing and depressing to be unemployed and lying to people you haven't seen for ages is hardly unusual. But the pure fantasist madness of the lies like the French Foreign Legion thing worry me.He just dropped it so casually into a email about Poppy day, how he supported the troops as he had served in the FFL. He also mentioned it wasn't as romantic as everyone thought and that he wouldn't join up again. I mean - WTF?????

Sorry for banging on. Does this seem familiar to anyone?

OMFG yes, I dated a man like this. I think it is some form of personality disorder, TBH, the bloke pretty much believes his own bullshit. I am amazed you have put up with 10 years of it. Presumably you have protected yourself and DC as much as possible (separate bank accounts being essential) from the consequences of his bullshit, but honestly, I think you've probaby done more than enough and it might well be time to look at extricating yourself from him.

Sounds like my dad!!! He is bi polar. To be honest we now believe nothing that comes out of his mouth. So to me this post isn't odd just rather familiar..............lol

Bangers, oh yes. One of the conditions of moving back in together is that I have all the money, all my money anyway, under my control. I pay the bills etc.

Re extricating - it's probably beyond time. But it's very hard to do. Not emotionally for me but for my baby, I feel like I would be doing it to her.Plus I don't have a big pointy reason - he hasn't lied to me about another woman or cheated - he's just lying about random, frankly tragic things.

Since we've moved back in together we've not socialised really as a couple, he hasn't met a lot of my friends. I think part of that is that I am so ashamed of the bullshit he comes out with on a regular basis. That's surely not healthy.

I have known someone with a personality disorder which involved compulsive lying but he would lie to ANYONE - seriously, if he said it was raining we would look out of the window before believing him. I think the fact that your DP is only lying to people that you do not really see means that it is probably not a PD. Is he perhaps feeling inadequate? Looking up old school friends can have this effect! Or is he possibly just taking the P8ss/being slightly tongue in cheek?

wannabe10 - my Dad too. Exactly like him.
My mother chucked him out after about 17 years so we're obviously gluttons for punishment.
DP is not as bad as my father, not even close. But the similarities in behaviour and the fact that I've grown up with it so probably accept some of it as normal is scary.

Aussie, nope, not a shred of irony.

This is not a new thing, I've tried to make allowances for possible feelings of inadequacy etc. I think he's only doing this to old friends etc because the few people I see with him know what a bullshitter he is.

The French Foreign Legion lie is so extreme, so unbelievable and easy to disprove. I t does suggest some kind of mental health problem. Sorry.

It's just pathetic really isn't it?
The French Foreign Legion FFS. I used to work with a bloke who we worked out would have to be aged 110, not in his 40s for him to have done all the SAS/Special Forces/military stuff he claimed to have done. DH used to (unkindly perhaps) laugh at him. Now he's turned into him.

I agree with SGB and think this is a personality disorder/mental health issue. The lies are so extreme and so easily exposed, I can't imagine that a truly well person would entertain them.

In your shoes, I would be trying to project a life where in social situations, I was on tenterhooks waiting for him to declare how tough it was in Afghanistan, or how many hedge funds he'd accumulated. Plus if he ever sees any of your mutual friends without you present, you will inevitably face the embarrassment of them asking how his new mansion purchase is going etc. This will happen a lot when your DC start school - the school community gossips a lot and I think you might feel isolated if the other parents think your DP is a bit of a joke.

Ultimately, I couldn't live with a Walter Mitty character like this and I sympathise, because it sounds like this isn't the only thing you've got to worry about with him.

That kind of thing, I sometimes do think I'm going mad. Or I lack the energy to have that kind of argument - the yes it did, not it didn't one.
Plus I'm developing a bit of a complex myself keeping track of all the lies. The emails were on a joint account that I was checking for legit reasons but I do have the odd snoop on the phone etc, just to keep track. Not that I think he's cheating or anything more sinister, I guess I just have a compulsion now to know about all the mad lies.
Of course I can't challenge him on the maddest ones as then he would cop on to how silly he's being doing this on joint email/facebook etc or I'd have to fess up to the snooping.
It's fucked up, I know.

my exh told people via email that he was caught up in 7/7 with ds2 which was a lie

Mm, am shuddering in reminiscence. The XP of mine who behaved like this was particularly hard to deal with because about 25-30% of what he said was true (he was an actor/musician with some well-known friends/acquaintances but he basically believed he was much more important, famous and successful than he actually was. I ended up in debt due to him borrowing off me, avoiding friends because his lies had inconvenienced or disappointed them... he forged my signature on a couple of things... Whenever I caught him out he had an explanation, but the explanations didn't hold much water, if I challenged him he'd burst into tears and threaten to take an overdose... I don't know how I stood it for the 18 months it lasted, and while this was a good 20 years ago, I have been a lot more suspicious of people ever since.

There seems to be a few of them about

Any advice on what to do? I know of old that if I challenge him on some of the madder ones he will just deny, deny, deny. He's never broken down like your X SGB. That would mean admitting it.
I am worried as he is getting so like my father and the divorce didn't end well for my mother. Because she, at the time, didn't give reasons as such to us (reasons like: he lies, he forges my signature to re-mortgage, he's delusional) we ended up taking sides with my v charismatic, manipulative father. I worry that the same will happen to me - I can't spill out this whole sorry story to a 3 year old plus would other people believe me?

Equally, because of the lying I almost feel safer with him here - if we split again and he takes DD for weekends/holidays etc I have no way of knowing if what he says is true. He 's capable of lying about everything, he's certainly more than capable of taking her to stay somewhere I wouldn't be happy with and then lying about it.

That sounds pathetic doesn't it - staying with someone because you're more worried about what they'll do if you kick them out.

My other problem - you still here is that I can't talk to people about it, hence me droning on here. My mother is too close to home, plus if I don't kick him out she has to be nice to him at all future family events. I'm too embarrassed to go into the whole thing with my friends, plus the same applies.

Me too. I had one who did this. He told big lies and little lies, he nicked money from my bank account and, embarrassingly, food from my fridge. A proper cocklodger he was. He claimed to be best mates with all sorts of people and then they would blank him in the street. I couldn't trust a word he said but I didn't have a big pointy reason to dump him either since he never admitted anything.

So I just waited until he told a biggish lie, then I "caught" him and dumped him.

If he tells small lies the likelihood is that he will tell big ones.

Sounds like my H's OW - inventing imaginary gory tales of people dying (the person in question is actually alive and well - when challenged she claimed 'he's just dead to me because he cheated on me and caused someone else to have the accident I described at length, then it gave me depression and I had to be locked up for a bit - I'll send you the medical records next year when I go home '), medical blunders that made her home country change their laws on something, amazing Olympic level prowess at watersports (not that kind, you terrible women ), and so on... nutter. Worse thing is she is now in charge of a bunch of kids at work and there is nothing I can do about that, which scares the crap out of me. One day I think I will see her on the news...

My goodness, I didnt realise how many of them there are. I was involved with someone who was a compulsive liar too and everything was fine until you confronted him on it and then all hell would let loose. Lying about the most ridiculous things and its true, you end up doubting your own sanity. And it became shameful because god knows what he couldve been saying about me to people. Its a horrible way to live.

I would never have thought there were so many of these fantasists around. My exh2 was just like that too. One of the oddest was that he caught Yellow Fever. He was jaundiced fgs!

"I am worried as he is getting so like my father and the divorce didn't end well for my mother. Because she, at the time, didn't give reasons as such to us (reasons like: he lies, he forges my signature to re-mortgage, he's delusional) we ended up taking sides with my v charismatic, manipulative father. I worry that the same will happen to me - I can't spill out this whole sorry story to a 3 year old plus would other people believe me?"

What did you learn about relationships from your own parents?. If your father was similar then the chances are that your now 3 year old will end up with a partner like this too. His behaviour became your "normal" for a man.

You've had 10 years of this, he will not change. Infact I would guess the extent and frequency of the lies has increased over the years. You will have to break free of him if you and your DD are to have any chance of a "normal" life.

I have to ask as well, why on earth did you get back with him?. You felt sorry for him, responsible for him?. You are NOT responsible for him and his actions.

Being "understanding" with them does not help. It actually makes you feel worse.

I would certainly believe you - it certainly sounds to me like your partner has a personality disorder (which is probably also untreateable). Many of these people also are never assessed clinically. My BIL is like this, a complete fantasist and narcissistic to boot (also lies about everything including his CV). We avoid him completely now.

You cannot have any sort of meaningful relationship with these people, it just does not work.

Ultimately you are NOT responsible for him. You can only be responsible for your own self and your child. This is not at all healthy for her to be brought up in.

And that is if you stay with this man. Your only real answer here to is leave him. And I do not say that lightly.

What are you (particularly your good self) and he teaching your daughter about relationships here?.

My BIL also stated to his mother and the wider family that he was very ill and only had a certain number of weeks left to live.

He's still alive. It was, like everything else in his life, a complete falsehood.

my soon to be ex dh was like this. Well still is like this. Drove me nuts and still does. He lies about everything, literally everything and if you dare question it he gets really agressive. Horrible. I think he really belives what he is saying as well. He lives in some sort of altered reality shaped by his lies.
It was one of the resaons ( along with many others ) that i left him.

Wow, I also didn't believe it was so common... OW also had a bit of a Jesus streak ("I'll just have to sacrifice myself for everyone and put their happiness before mine, like I always do" - no, you are a selfish cow who has cheated on her husband more times than I have fingers on my hand, because you know the idiot will always take you back, and have seriously screwed up your child to boot). I always found her responses odd as instead of getting angry at being found out she tried to justify herself like it was a perfectly normal thing to do... argh, delusional.

Seriously though, this behaviour needs help and you do not want your children growing up around it and thinking it is normal. I know it is just 'secret' at the moment, in that he is not telling out and out lies to your face about stuff that really doesn't matter, but it may well escalate.

I would echo what Attila said. I know that the way I behave and the relationships I have persued are a reflection of my childhood. You have to break the habit though.