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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

facebook etc

64 replies

feelsobloodystupid · 09/11/2009 21:23

is there anyone out there who has been found by ex on facebook or other and had an affair, left husband and not regretted it. dont want lecture, just need to know. thanks

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/11/2009 21:24

how would somebody else's experiences be of help to you ?

are you in a bad situation, lovey ?

mrsboogie · 09/11/2009 21:26

if you want to be with your husband don't get involved with an ex,

if you are not happy, leave him and then see where things stand with the ex.

Fluffydreamer · 09/11/2009 21:27

Tbh once the inital thrill has gone out of it i think people always (pretty much anyway)regret an affair. From people i have spoken to the grass is always greener in your head! and the stark reality is sumwhat different.

Original poster
feelsobloodystupid · 09/11/2009 21:29

shit situation, but have seen how people react on here lol and didnt want to go into everything. i know its wrong, but cant help it, god knows ive tried. am on tabs, etc but nothing working. jsut need to know if anyone has been in that situation. lost 4 stone in 9months, dont sleep, really dont know anyghing anymore. i am a reg on here, but namechanged.

OP posts:
Fluffydreamer · 09/11/2009 21:29

Forgot to add that ex's usually are that way for a very good reason

Fluffydreamer · 09/11/2009 21:31

Done the tabs 5 1/2 stone weight loss and sleep deprivation for differing reasons (relationship based too) and it is hard to pull through but you do get there

AnyFucker · 09/11/2009 21:31

where exactly are you at fsbs ??

have you left, or still got a foot in each camp (as it were...)

hard to help you on such vague details

SolidGoldBangers · 09/11/2009 21:31

Other people cannot fix your life for you. If you are this unhappy and distressed, what you need isn't a new romantic partner, it's to find out what is causing you this distress and fix it.

Original poster
feelsobloodystupid · 09/11/2009 21:33

i know all of that, but i cant get him out of my head. its all the time. we dont even see eachother that much, it takes 3 hours to get to wehre he lives. i just know i love him, and i always have. pathetic really lol

OP posts:
Fluffydreamer · 09/11/2009 21:37

surely you split for good reason previously, have you begun the affair with him or are you just in love with the idea of a relationship im confused as to where things are at so dont really know how to advise best?

mrsboogie · 09/11/2009 21:39

4 stone in 9 months?

sorry

Anniegetyourgun · 09/11/2009 21:40

I've said it before and I'll say it again.

FACEBOOK IS EVIL.

It is so easy to get the lines between fantasy and reality blurred, especially when real life isn't being much fun. All I can say is, if you haven't done anything yet that you might regret, DON'T. If you have... are you sure it was the wrong thing to do? Can things be mended?

(I did have an online flirtation which kind of brought about the end of my marriage, but the marriage was seriously in need of ending already, and actually the flirtation didn't end up going anywhere at all. Still do feel rather guilty about it, as it wasn't a good way to behave according to my own standards, but it served its purpose.)

Original poster
feelsobloodystupid · 09/11/2009 21:42

my marriage was good, i get bored but dont we all? not with dh but just life. x facebooked my, i ignored for weeks but gave in, and that was that. we were good toghter and he knows me like nobody else does. dh is ok, and i care a great deal about him but this isnt going away, i cant go any length of time without speaking to x. i have tried. i keep myself as busy as i can but my mind is always on him. dh is always out, committees etc and he never says, comeon, lets go out etc, i have tried everything over the years to make him understand that i want more but nothing ever changes. the tought of spending the next 40 years like this depresses the hell out of me, but then i know it will be the same anywhre. im a mess lol i think ive become slightly obsessed with ex.

OP posts:
Original poster
feelsobloodystupid · 09/11/2009 21:50

yes i have seen him and spent a couple of wonderful weekends with him, i think its the cuddles more that anything else, another row i am constantly having with dh, who thinks sex should be everyday and who needs to cuddle!!! i agree, fb is evil, i hate what it has done to my life. i was always against anything like this, i would have been furious if anyone i knew was doing this.

mrs boogie, yes 4 stone and more everyday, atleast something good has come out of it lol

OP posts:
Original poster
feelsobloodystupid · 09/11/2009 21:51

even worse, sometimes i think, why cant i just have both (marriage and bit on side) i disgust myself, but men do it all the time

OP posts:
Fluffydreamer · 09/11/2009 21:53

talk to DH about feeling low and what you feel is missing betwen you, you need to be sure that you are not being drawn to the x by the attention and nice messages etc.

It could be that your DH thinks you are happy and would be willing to make changes if he had any idea of how strongly you felt. I dont think an affair is the answer. If you love DH you just need to do some work to get the spark back maybe.

You also need to be sure of x's intentions as he may not want a relationship with you and may be alittle flirtatious with a few facebook ladies- as i have a few friends on there that do that.

Im not trying to put down what you feel you have with x but think you need to be completely sure of what your doing and where this is headed

Original poster
feelsobloodystupid · 09/11/2009 22:05

ex would have me move in in a flash, wants us to grow old together! over the years (20 of them) i have tried and tried to get dh to change. we even had a weekend away toghter in aug and it was good but all he talked about was sex. we walked into hotel room and i hadnt even put bag down and he was like, well get them off then. he doesnt show any real emotion but i do know he loves me to bits. but sometimes, i think he thinks i would never get anyone else so no need to worry about making an effort. when i think of leaving i selfishly think of everthing i would loose, income, house, friends etc. my kids are older, but i even worry that wehn they marry, thier weddings would be ruined cos mum and dad wont be as a couple. i also hate the thought of anyone else having dh. im being irrational i know but its how i feel. ex works long hours and doesnt earn much, has maintenance to pay and debts. lives in tiny place. i would have to work full time and at mo i only work 3 days a week. i shop wehn i want, have a cleaner. if ex won lotto id be there, of that i am sure.

OP posts:
Fluffydreamer · 09/11/2009 22:17

If you truely loved ex enoght you wouldnt care if he had no shoes and lived in a shack tbh. In my view you like the way he shows the emotion and that he is giving a "chase if you want to call it that".

You need to call it off with one of them, and the sooner the better really. Only you know which one should be your choice, and if you you know there are things you cant change you need to accept them as they are.

You have said previously you would be gutted if DH was doing this, so you either need to let him go or accept him how he is.

As i said before not trying to be mean here just give an view from another perspective

AnyFucker · 09/11/2009 22:18

goodness, I applaud your honesty, but you are beginning to sound like a bit of a twat...

Original poster
feelsobloodystupid · 09/11/2009 22:20

i know i am a twat, a prize one. never thought i could be like this. needed to vent, dont know how this will end, but i know it has to. thanks for your coments.

OP posts:
purpleduck · 09/11/2009 22:31

Sorry but...
GROW UP!

If things aren't working with DH, seperate!!
(as instructed by Mrs boogie)

As for the "why can't I have my bit on the side -men do it all the time"..... men who are assholes do this.

Stop trying to blame your dh for your weakness.

Original poster
feelsobloodystupid · 09/11/2009 22:48

im not blaming him, merly explaining situation, i am fully to blame for all this. i am bored with my life, dh irritates me, loved ex from day i met him. would leave and be on my own but have no moniy of my own and know where to go. full on midlife crisis and i hate being me right now.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBangers · 09/11/2009 22:53

Well if your DH demands sex all the time and takes no notice when you try to tell him that you are not happy, then your marriage is not that lovely, is it? You may well be better off out of the marriage if it's that bad. But it's not up to Mr X to just sweep in and rescue you, you need to sort your own life out. And if you do leave your H, don't rush straight off into Mr X's lap as he might be a knobber as well.

Original poster
feelsobloodystupid · 09/11/2009 22:57

thats waht i think to. i am trying to bide my time (selfish again) and save waht i can. thanks

OP posts:
Purplebuns · 09/11/2009 23:11

I would say the ex affair is just symptomatic of your general unhappiness.
I would get some counselling on your own, go to relate with your husband. And find something that will give you a purpose in life/hobby/something to worthwhile do.
Also do you really truly believe you have loved this ex all along? I doubt you do. Anyone is great when you hardly see them!
But good luck to you!

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