facebook etc

[feelsobloodystupid]

is there anyone out there who has been found by ex on facebook or other and had an affair, left husband and not regretted it. dont want lecture, just need to know. thanks

Why is he your ex in the first place? How come it didn't work out before

i ccan honestly say i have always loved him, yes. got married on hte rebound. he had a lot of problems when younger and couldnt cope with a relationship. we parted. i dont even know where to go for councilling, i hate the thought of telling a stranger (to the face) all my feelings etc but i think i have so many confidence, insecurity issues, going back years that this is waht i have to do.

So basically you are with your DH for the money and the lifestyle and fancy a bit of romance with the ex without losing all the trappings of your marriage?
Its not going to happen. If you are that unhappy leave your DH, get a job, stand on your own two feet and then see if there is a future with the ex.
Your DH, for all his faults, deserves better than this.

im really not quite that heartless, but i can see how it looks. leaving and starting over is easier said than done though, whatever people may think

FSBS if you are not happy in your marriage then most likely your DH won't be either. Maybe the reason he wants sex frequently is that for him it proves / validates that you do love him (the chances are he either knows or suspects for you he is "second best").

For both your sakes you need to work out whether you want to continue your marriage or not. Yes it might mean a loss of a lifestyle you have got used to, and may have to support yourself. You need to make this decision based on the fact that you might lose both your H AND your old flame, and end up on your own, because that may happen.

FWIW I'm in the process of separating from H and have been having an affair for 4 months now. H found out after a month and we immediately agreed to separate because we both knew things had gone too far to ever recover.

I'm facing a future which materially looks very different to the one I thought I would have, but I've made that choice because I was unhappy for years. I knew that before I met OM and regardless of what happens between us I know I will be happier not being married to H anymore.

If you don;t feel that's a choice you can make I would suggest it's because you do still have feelings for your DH and if so, you need to focus on them and see if you can mend your marriage.

Fwiw I was slightly obsessed with my ex for a while. I wasn't in contact with him, just thinking about him all the time and imagining how happy I could be with him.

It's all bullshit - he would be a hopeless partner to me now. The bubble burst when I saw him in the street one day and realised that he has aged, just as I have. He's just a guy, not the fucking messiah.

Since that day I have put all my energy into what I do have, and my relationship with my DP of 10 years just gets stronger and stronger.

It's perfectly ok to fancy men and to think up lots of lovely fantasies for yourself - I think most people do this. But if it's spilling into action then you need to take a step back an really look at what matters to you.

Btw, I too would hate to lose my house and lifestyle. That doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you normal. But life isn't a dress rehearsal - if you don't like living with your DH you need to take steps to sort something out.

Can you honestly imagine living with your ex on a day to day basis, arguing about whose turn it is to put the bins out, and why there's no milk in the fridge? Most affairs/fantasies don't stack up once you get down to domestic reality.

Could there be other reasons why you are drawn to your ex? Do you see it as a way of turning your life back to 20 years ago with all the chances / opportunities you had then? If so, then it's not really about him, but more about you and your dissatisfaction with your life now.

OTOH if you are convinced that your ex is the love of your life, and that every second you don't spend with him is a wasted second, then have the courage to do something about it.

I'm not gonna judge you on the affair thing but what I will judge you on is you saying that if ex won the lottery you'd be there in a minute

If it is love with the ex, then you simply would have to join the real world, get a job and live happily ever after without the cleaner and limitless shopping.

Money doesn't bring you happiness unless your brand of happiness is made of domestic retirement and spending money.

I wouldn't listen to all the moralising - it is just not helpful. I think it is actually quite NORMAL to feel fed up in a marriage/fancy other people/think about having an affair etc etc etc Some people separate, some people stay married and have lovers, either secret or more openly, others get divorced, others live together and never get married, some have an open marriage. There are even gay people who are married - now that is complicated!! There is nothing intrinsically better or worse about separation and or divorce versus having an affair in terms of marriage vows - both are breaking marriage vows if that is the issue.

The deception involved in an affair is quite a big deal but sometimes people are prepared to put up with it in order to maintain some kind of stable (if imperfect) family life in which to bring up children even though, in an ideal world, they would be living with the lover. Then again, once you have a full on relationship with the lover, perhaps it starts to have all the flaws of a marriage?

I get quite bored with all the moralising about monogamy - it is so hypocritcal given the huge numbers of people who are desperately unhappily married/having affairs/divorced often multiple times/separated but lonely etc.

You can love more than one person, it is ridiculous to claim otherwise, obviously don't have to act on it.

I would venture that the long term very happy marriage is the exception rather than the rule - people and circumstances change.

Lif is not always straightforward however much we want it to be.

I have no problem with the affair part - none of my beeswax and all that - however, what I do have a problem with, is the OP basically saying that she is only with her dh for the lifestyle, and that if the ex was suddenly wealthy, she would be straight there.

That is so wrong - and OP, saying that

• plenty have done it, OP.

I agree that it is normal to get fed up in a long marriage, but I imagine that the reason people speak so passionately against affairs is because of the pain the deception causes.

Deception, when it happens to you, is rather more than "quite a big deal" - and the reason people "put up with it" (I assume Butterball you mean, the deceiver, since by definition, the deceived don't know there's anything to put up with) is because they are not brave enough to risk losing what they have. Ultimately, it is a wholly dishonest behaviour choice.

Denying someone choices in their lives is wrong. If the OP's husband knew that his wife had reduced their marriage to this, he might decide to withdraw the security and trappings that the OP currently enjoys - but currently, he cannot make that decision, because he is being deceived. I imagine that most spouses would come to only one conclusion if a lottery win would be enough for their wives to leave them - and the affair partner might also take a dim view of his financial standing being of such great importance to his paramour.

It also bemuses me when posters blame sites like Facebook for their own behaviour choices - as adults, we have to take responsibility for our actions. That said, it amazes me how many people are getting themselves into so much bother with this particular site.

OP, the most liberating and honest thing you can do in this situation is to tell your H what has been going on. I do understand how a huge weight loss and an old flame can be an intoxicating mix and while I don't relate to your thought processes and justifications, I do understand this.

But the way you are behaving just isn't fair - and perhaps people are reacting to you with a bit of harshness is because you don't seem to express any guilt for your deception (that and the "lols" !

If a man posted on here that he was having an affair and the only thing keeping him with his wife was the lifestyle, I can imagine the reaction. If he went on to add that if the OW won the lottery he would be off like a shot and wondered aloud why he couldn't have a "bit on the side", well, what do you think would happen?

butterball people are entitled to moralise about "acting on it", because of the hurt the deception causes.

I dunno.

If the exes had come clean and said 'I think I prefer another man/woman to you, I haven't acted on it but am now leaving you to be with them'

Would the hurt be significantly less? If the partner is leaving to be with somebody else, that is surely the painful part? The rest is down to circumstances, timing etc.

I haven't experienced it, am only guessing really. Just trying to be objective.

No, I think it would be worse Morris "Not only do I prefer someone else, but have been making you into some kind of unknowing fool for X long"

I love the way people always advise to: if you want to meet someone else, leave husband first. Can you not see that it is not always that easy? There are kids usually to take into consideration, financial matters. I mean I'm not at all happy with DH...we never have sex, no intimacy at all. Pretty dead relationship. But I can't say to him: oh I'm leaving to see if I can find someone else....I think you have to have a very very good reason to leave just like that, such as domestic violence, emotional abuse, or having fallen in love with someone else and be sure you want to make a go of it with them.

Why? I can think of many reasons to leave a marriage other than the ones you describe, Fizzfiend. I wouldn't advise anyone to stay in a marriage that was truly dead - there lies needless unhappiness for the couple and the children. What's so wrong with standing on your own two feet, separating from your partner and co-parenting?

I wouldn't want anyone staying with me for reasons other than they loved me and wanted to be with me - and I wouldn't want my children growing up with parents that didn't have any intimacy or connection.

Waiting until someone else turns up to have an affair with, deceiving one's partner when he does - and only when one is sure that the affair partner can offer the same lifestyle, leaving the marriage - seems pretty murky and dishonest behaviour to me.

Living an honest life on my own, with a sensible and civilised co-parenting arrangement, would be far more preferable to me than that.

sounds as though you have been caught in a dissappointing marriage and while the kids were young you were busy and fulfilled in lots of ways but reality has taken over where busy motherhood was and you now realise that you are not in a good place with your life now.

I would suggest that you take a longer look at what life has to offer you personnally and gain some respect for yourself and your needs as a mature sensible woman. Set aside all things relationship wise (even for a short weekend away) take stock. Money is actually not that necessary when you have your own freedom and peace of mind to move on and start again.

I left a long relationship with absolutely nothing except an empty bank acc and a 5 month old baby. I left a very comfortable home and monetary well supported lifestyle and started out alone. I know the shortfalls but they far outweigh the detrimental effects of being lonely in a marriage and having that in your face every day making you feel of no value to anyone. I bet everyone thinks you are rock steady too cos you have put such a brave face on things for so long. ONE LIFE petal .. gotta do right by yourself first now

thank you so much for all your comments, especially the last few. i have told ex that i want to limit the contact ( we talk or text everyday) to once a week and that i dont want to make anymore plans to meet until after new year. this way i am thinking i can sort my life out, and think about what i really want. i did think about cutting all contact but at the mo i really really cant cope with that. in my head i am thinking eventaually we will stop contact and i can go back to be a wife and mother. my life is boring and i think that alot of this is about lost youth etc, dh is not one for going out, having a drink etc and i always was (and still am). i am really going to try, i have told dh that i will start going out and if he doesnt want to come, then i will go alone, i have also said i want more fun and a little bit of romance rather than what he gives me. all seems good now, but its how i will cope not hearing from ex :-(.

sounds like you have made a shift in the right direction already ... good for you!! time to keep track of your own real needs and being selfish sometimes is a good thing ... we can reward ourselves and shouldnt feel guilty ... happier you, happier everyone around you. Keep me up to date and chat anytime ok ... good luck x

saw him the weekend. finished it. dont want to be with dh but cant walk out on him. will try everything to sort it. thanks for all your advice x

The Grass is always Greener crap you will allready know about....

it sounds like infatuation for this other man, the way you talk....

I dont get you ladies sometimes, you want a safe, dependable, loyal protective Husband, we give you that, then you get bored and crave exitement, it is simply not possibly...

the exitement you are feeling is because you know it is wrong, so the butterflies in your stomach wont last long if you do go to your
EX, I can promise you that, then you will be back to wishing your new partner was more Dependable etc etc...

I am aware that deception causes pain, but so do lots of other things - personally I would put up with my partner having a discreet other relationship for the sake of our children and a comfortable home. I do not want the hassle of separation/divorce - it would cause huge upset to children/families etc and for what?
You get to shag who you want - but so what? I am trying really hard to think of one divorced person who is happier now than when they were married. Really, cannot think of one. All you get stuck with is a financial headache, upset children, huge baggage and you get to join the dating field to meet other people in the same situation? No thanks. I would rather stick in a flawed relationship, even with my head stuck in the sand. But that's just me. Each to their own. I think people are very naive when they think that all their problems will go away when they split up/separate/divorce - the problems are still there and you just add more of them.

The exception being - if you are in an abusive relationship - that is a complete deal breaker. Or if you hate each other!

I feel for you OP. I'm struggling this week with some of the same feelings.

I am happily happily married (really!).

But I'm a bit bored. Just kind of thinking, what's it all about?

I was looking on a friends reunited type site and 'found' an ex. We had a brief relationship when very very young, it ended because he was moving back to his home country. Never spoke to each other again.

Went against my better judgement and emailed him. Now in flirtatious email exchange that also involves updates on our life, our children etc..I know I shouldn't do it but I can't help it. It's like a secret diversion from my real life.

I have no intention of pursuing it but I can't stop thinking about him. It's the 'what if' that drives you mad.

Feeling rather sad about it as I love dh and our life together. I just feel like I need a diversion.

Thank you Butterball for your open-mindedness about this. I know others don't agree.

met up with my first ever BF through FB and went for a curry. It was a wondeful evening,even though it was 38 years since we were going steady. He is happily married ,i am single...and i wish i had never let him go although i was only 15 at the time.

i am sure that it was never infactuation with the ex. he has always been in my mind, i knew he was on FR and on FB but i would never ever had contacted him. when he did i deleted over and over and then gave in. i never dreamt that he would feel the same. he is divorced and knows all the damage it causes and tells me this but also says why should i accept 2nd best if its not what i want. i know i would feel the same in 20 years time, bored etc, but i wish i could have been brave enough to give it a go. i am not, i am selfish and want the money etc that i have now. the problem is..........i really dont think i can ever feel the same about dh again and how long can i just pretend for :-) if only i could rewind, i would have kept on deleting.