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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Do you believe in a soul mate? I have some questions so come and humour me.

139 replies

FluffysBeenBittenByAVampire · 09/11/2009 21:22

What does it mean to you? What if one person doesn't realise, are they still a soul mate? Do you give them time? How do you know who your soul mate is? TIA

OP posts:
Kaloki · 22/11/2009 12:00

I wouldn't use the phrase "soul mate", or "the one", I don't believe that nature is that there is only one person out there for you. But I do believe you can find someone and just know they are right for you. (Not that this means the relationship doesn't need work)

jools37 · 22/11/2009 12:57

You can never know what is going on in other people's relationships unless they tell you, so you cannot assume that all the couples you know who are still together are happily married.

DH and I have had the longest relationship of all our acquaintances, and outwardly most people would say we had a great relationship and a pretty near perfect life, nice house, two lovely kids, no money troubles, we get on great. None of them know about the problems that are going on behindthe scenes. In some ways, he is my 'soulmate', he understands me better than anyone else in the world, we share mostly the same views and aspirations, but our marriage is in serious trouble because of one area of extreme disparity.

A couple of my friends I would have said were soulmates, we all thought they had the perfect relationship until she turned roundand said she had been having an affair and they were getting divorced. Turned out their marriage had imploded and none of us knew.

MsHighwater · 22/11/2009 20:59

SGB, the fact remains that you often sound like "a bitter man-hater". You concede only that "some" people are happy in their relationships.

I still maintain that the reason why "romantic love/couplehood is pushed so hard at people" is that we are made to want it, just as we are made (mostly) to want children, and we know that it has the potential to make us happiest and most satisfied (which also, by definition, gives it the potential to make us unhappiest and most dissatisfied when it goes wrong).

SolidGoldBangers · 22/11/2009 22:12

MsHighwater: are you seriously saying that all people in couple relationships are happy? If not, then what's man-hating about saying that some people are happy with their relationships and others are either unhappy with the relationship they are in, or do not want to be in a relationship?

And FWIW 'man-hating' is what feminists are always being accused of when they object to male privilege and the assumption that men matter more than women and are entitled to more out of life than women. Addressing inequality and sexism doesn't mean hating men either as a sex or as individuals (some men are great, some are arseholes; the same is true of women).

AnyFucker · 22/11/2009 22:21

I don't think sgb is a man-hater

I think she rather likes men, just can't be arsed to wash their skiddy undies

MsHighwater · 22/11/2009 22:56

No, SGB, I do not mean that and, if you read what I said, I did not, in fact, say it.

But how does it "address inequality and sexism" if you won't acknowledge that most people want a relationship because most people believe it is way to the greatest happiness for them. Even if you remove the inequalities that have typified male/female romantic relationships in the past, people still aspire to having a happy, fulfilling relationship - whether they achieve it or not is not the point.

I also didn't say you were a man-hater, only that you sometimes sounded like one. And some people do hate men, just as some people hate women.

SolidGoldBangers · 22/11/2009 23:15

MsHighwater, when the history of couplehood has been so riddled with inequality and sexism, and inequality and sexism still cause problems with couple-relationships today, why is it so unreasonable to suggest people think about this a little, and question the constant message that (romantic) love is All You Need?

Kaloki · 23/11/2009 00:38

"why is it so unreasonable to suggest people think about this a little, and question the constant message that (romantic) love is All You Need?"

Not unreasonable in any way. I think there are a lot of people who put too much pressure on themselves to find "the one", when it isn't the most important thing in the world. It can and does provide happiness to a lot of people. It can also cause a lot of unhappiness etc. but that's not neccessarily the fault of them being in a monogamous relationship. For some, yeah, monogamy doesn't work for them.

I assume that's what SGB meant as well, rather than damning all monogamous relationships. (Correct me if I'm wrong SGB)

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 23/11/2009 02:37

I agree that sexism can often blight relationships, but I also see lots of men being the victims of this, as well as women. I've known couples where the women had far greater earning capacity than the men, but wouldn't even countenance the males becoming the primary carers and giving up work for a while, even when the males desperately wanted to.

I've known of two specific couples where this caused a lot of resentment. At the heart of these situations was the sexist notion that women are the best care-givers and that it is a man's responsibility to work outside of the home, even if this meant in both cases working for less money than the wives could earn and therefore having an attendant impact on the family finances.

Then there's the couple with whom we have had a life-long friendship. Married for 20+ years, the wife gave up work the moment they were married, even pre-children. Those children are now grown and independent, but the woman still won't get a job and the husband has to do 2 jobs to make ends meet and help with university fees - and fund his wife's QVC shopping habit. She admits to me that she has a very easy life and that she is lazy - but she believes strongly that men should work and women should stay at home.

I also see some blatant sexism on these relationship boards. If a man has been unfaithful, he is called a scumbag, a cheat and an abuser. Women are told that it is not their fault (which it isn't)if their partner has been unfaithful. If a woman posts that she has been unfaithful, lots of people are sympathetic and scathing about the betrayed H's failings - implying that it is the husband's fault for the deceit that has befallen him. Cheating women are never called "scumbags" or anything approaching the epithets reserved for cheating men. I've even noticed this when men post about their unfaithful wives - she is never called awful names by posters.

FWIW, I wouldn't want posters to be attacked like this either - it really doesn't help and fails to recognise that good people what ever their gender, sometimes do awful things.

I often think there is a blind-spot on these boards about female behaviour - it is as though we can do no wrong and if we do behave badly (as in the case of so many OW, for example) it's because we were misled by a dastardly man.

SGB, I was hoping you'd tell us more of your story and the steer you are giving (or plan to give) your DS about all this, but I do understand if you want privacy on those matters. I'm sorry you're irritated and hope you will see that these are just perceptions of how you come across at times - I'm sure you don't hate men, but it just reads that way sometimes. We can't know anything about what people are really like on these boards and so we can only have superficial perceptions.

And FWIW, AnyFucker - it's DH who does the washing in our house, (hopefully not skiddy) undies and all!

SolidGoldBangers · 23/11/2009 10:05

Kaloki thank you, that's pretty much it.
WWIFN: my DS is 5 right now, and I intend to bring him up with an awareness that people relate to each other in lots of different ways: straight, gay, single, coupled and that all these ways of living are fine.As he gets older, without overbombing, I will make sure he knows that it's how you treat the people you have sex with, not how many of them you have sex with, that matters. ANd that should he want to pairbond, there is a reasonably large pool of suitable people out there to choose from.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 23/11/2009 10:43

Thanks SGB. You're delivering the same messages I am to my (much older) DCs, but I specifically wondered what you might tell them about polygamous relationships? Strangely enough, this came up with mine the other day during a conversation about faith groups that permit male polygamy and not female. They both (DS and DD) reacted angrily to the inherent sexism and I was able to discuss polygamy as a (non-religious) choice for both sexes.

One of the things I feel passionately about is that they will treat people ethically and fairly and that there are no double-standards along gender lines.

When they asked me for my own view on polygamy, I did say that not everyone can separate emotions from sex and that for those people, sleeping with lots of people can lead to hurt. I was honest and said that I can't separate emotions from sex and that this didn't ever work for me. I also said that since polygamy is a minority (in numbers) lifestyle choice, one needs to be a resilient character to withstand the judgement and disapproval of others. But that this is true of any lifestyle choice that is "different". I can therefore see that my "steer" was away from polygamy. although I did try to give them some facts and told them that some people prefer this as a lifestyle choice and that we shouldn't make pejorative judgements about that.

So what I'm saying is that I admit my steer is towards monogamy - will yours be towards polygamy, do you think?

AnyFucker · 23/11/2009 12:13

wwifn, I want you to be my mum

SolidGoldBangers · 23/11/2009 14:01

No: my 'steer' will be towards making up his own mind and I will be teaching him that just because monogamy is the most-pushed option doesn't make it the best one.

Regarding polygamy, at the risk of sounding condesending and picky, do you mean living-in-a-group-rather-than-a-couple, or do you mean 'having lots of different sexual partners but not necessarily living with all/any of them' because it's not quite clear to me at least from your last post.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 23/11/2009 14:21

Sorry for any confusion - the conversation started about polygamy (i.e. the practice of having more than one spouse) and evolved into people who were sleeping with more than one partner at a time on a casual basis i.e. non-monogamous relationships.

The literal definition of the latter is promiscuity, but I'm aware that this word is loaded and has become pejorative in modern useage and so I was deliberately careful not to use it. The conversation then moved on to having sexual relationships (one at a time) with no emotions or love involved. So lots of different relationship choices were discussed, including monogamy.

I think however hard we try, it's difficult not to transfer our view of the world to children (even subconsciously), especially when they ask us what has worked for us, or even our opinion. I try to follow a policy of always answering these questions honestly, as does DH.

FabHasHadHerSurprise · 23/11/2009 14:36

I want to know what you are meant to do when you feel there are 2 people you should be with.

SolidGoldBangers · 23/11/2009 15:22

Fab: well it's not actually unreasonable or mad to love more than one person. People do it, and live in long-term not-monogamous situations successfully. However, it takes a lot of discussion and negotiation and compromise to make it work.
You might find this helpful or at least interesting to read. It;s a bit full of AMerican therapy-speak, but worth a look if you feel that monogamy is not working out for you/a partner.

onlyjoking9329 · 23/11/2009 15:47

i have given this some thought, i think you can be in a relationship where things work so very well together that you think they are the only one for you, certainly how i felt when i was with steve, i would never have chosen for that relationship to end and neither would he, we did say we were soulmates= meeting of soul mind spirt and body.
when steve died 17 months ago i believed that i had been very fortunate in love and that would be the end of any relationships for me.
I was however very wrong, i am happy and madly in love with someone very special,in fact we are engaged
i won't compare him to steve cos that would be wrong but i do know that we have the same combination of meeting of soul mind spirt and body. so it can and does happen more than once.

FabHasHadHerSurprise · 23/11/2009 16:00

I just don't know what to do.

FabHasHadHerSurprise · 23/11/2009 16:01

I definitely don't want an open relationship. I just want to be able to have someone else in my life but it isn't going to happen.

SolidGoldBangers · 23/11/2009 17:40

Fab, if you want to have more than one partner, then that's not an open relationship but nor is it a monogamous one. What do the other two people think? Are either of them open to discussion on the issue, or is each of them insisting that you commit to one or the other of them?
Onlyjoking: all other things aside, congratulations on having found a new partner after your loss.

FabHasHadHerSurprise · 23/11/2009 18:11

I am happy in my marriage. So is hubby. Neither of us would leave. I just have feelings for someone else .

LoveMyGirls · 23/11/2009 18:15

this is funny and kind of relevant

FabHasHadHerSurprise · 23/11/2009 18:20

I couldn't get my sound to work

LoveMyGirls · 23/11/2009 18:53

You need to get your sound to work Fab, it's so funny! heres the lyrics but it is funnier when sings it

FabHasHadHerSurprise · 23/11/2009 18:55

Not in the mood for a laugh atm tbh.

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