Do you believe in a soul mate? I have some questions so come and humour me.

[FluffysBeenBittenByAVampire]

What does it mean to you? What if one person doesn't realise, are they still a soul mate? Do you give them time? How do you know who your soul mate is? TIA

Yes mate, I do believe in sole. And Haddock. But sole mostly. Lemon preferably. HTH xx

LQ - Do you think that all men are Spartans at heart then?

Luckily I didn't have to shave my head and turn my back on mine for him to fancy a bit after he'd been away !

I feel sorry for anyone who is stuck with someone who's not their number 1, nothing else is "good enough" for me.

SGB, I'm afraid I don't call that evidence. I'm not convinced by your assertion that women would be better served by promiscuity, either. I also think that there are lots of reasons why people do not achieve long term monogamy - unrealistic expectations about what it takes to make a relationship successful among them - and yet it's still what the majority of people aspire to, on the whole.

MsHighwater: that people aspire to something doesn't make it a default position, rather the reverse. If longterm monogamy was natural for human beings, people would just get on and do it, without needing to bang on about it, tell each other how important it is and attempt to enforce it on each other. You don't need a huge propaganda industry to tell people to shit, or eat, or come in out of the rain. There are a lot of theories, with varying degrees of validity, about why longterm heteromonogamy is so 'special' nearly all of which boil down to men never being able to be as sure as women that 'their' children are really 'theirs' ie what men generally want is to raise their own DC and secure the domestic and sexual services of a woman. the Big Lie, as it were, is that it's women who need heteromongamy the most, when actually it's men who benefit from it more.

Oh do give it a rest SGB, you make bold statements about the way things are yet if anyone dares to argue, they are wrong/stupid/misguided - you have catetgorically stated that there is no such thing as a soul mate - just because you and others haven't got one doesn't mean it's not true.

I HAVE mine, I can say that without a shadow of a doubt because I know there is not one single other man on the planet I would prefer to be with or would have a better relationship with - even Brendan Fraser in a loin cloth oiled up and ready to go. If that's not a soul mate I don't know what is.
I'm not blind to the charms of other men, I don't go round blinkered and not daring to look, I do find some ( a very small minority admittedly) men attractive but not so much that I'd want to run off with them or even have a one night stand.

The true meaning of a soul mate is that you connect with them ( and vice versa) in a way you simply don't connect with any other person, I suppose you could subtsitute best friend for soul mate too.

I don't believe in 'soulmates' or 'the one' and I do think it can be quite destructive to do so. Because of abuse or because of failure to work at a relationship because it would automatically work if they were 'the one'.

I think there are plenty of people out there who are suitable for you and chance picks which one.

I'm pretty sure dp does though as he tends to be more romantically inclined than I do

SGB, still no evidence, then? I don't recognise your characterisation of relationships. I don't know what world you live in but it's not the same as mine and I'm glad of it.

I have been with dh for 15 years. I left another man to be with him as I knew the first time i met him that dh was my man. I don't believe he's my soul mate though, That's a big ask.
And as I am not the same person I was 15 years ago, it seems unrealistic to expect dh to have changed and eveolved in exactly the same way. But I am very happy with him, we still make each other laugh a lot, we still fancy each other and we still like making the other one happy. I am faithful to him because I know that I would not like him to have that mental connection with another woman. Though in theory I could forgive him a physical infidelity....
Anyway, I can't think of many other blokes who love Steeleye Span as much as the Sex Pistols so, he'll do for me.
But I'm sure if I looked, I'd find others. I just don't need to look any further IYSWIM.

When I first met dh I felt very strongly that This Is The One. I felt it so strongly that when he decided he did not want a relationship, I was unable to go and find somebody else. I settled for working hard at my degree and finding other sources of enjoyment in life than romance. It is perfectly possible that I would not have ended up with anyone else, at least not in the short run.

In the event we did meet up again, got together and have been very very happy together for the last 24 years. We even coped with a 10 year courtship living in different countries. So in a way I suppose you could say my feelings were proved right. But right or not, what they did NOT give me the right to do was to keep pestering him or bullying him into a relationship just because that was what I needed. While my feelings were genuine to me, his feelings were just as important and if I had been incapable of respecting them, I wouldn't have been much of a soulmate, would I? I knew what I needed (monogamy with this particular person), but could not extrapolate from that to what he needed (turned out to be quite compatible needs, but I couldn't take that for granted).

I think that in any 'partnership' one holds the 'emotional whip' and the other the 'fits in'. This balance can be tipped now and then and if you know how to ride it out and accommodate then it's a healthy balance. But basically one always likes/loves the other more and easier to fulfil, gives more easily and allows for the stretching required in the roller-coaster of any relationship. We are all so uniquely different, with different gaps and holes and bumps that we 'mould' without knowing. After all, we change all the time, we have a set of requirements that we start out with which are very basic, but are 'bendable' with each different person that we meet. That is what makes us so human.

I'm not knocking the fact that some people find happiness in couplehood, just the idea that everyone should, and the endless propaganda in favour of it, which does lead to people making themselves and others miserable, putting up with abuse and even violence because the other person is 'my soulmate' or wasting their lives in a desperate pursuit of the Perfect Partner.
And I see nothing wrong with feeling that the partner you have chosen is the one you will stay with if the relationship is working, but it is true that you could have been equally happy with quite a number of other possible choices.
But I'd like to hear the evidence that lifelong heteromonogamy is natural when so many people don't manage it, or don't want it.

It's choice isn't it. Both people have to consent and it has to be their choice. In an abusive relationship there's no choice for one partner, they are coerced(spelling?), they are manipulated into staying. This isn't the same as wanting to be there because they thrive in a loving, caring, respectful partnership.

Me, I'm staying single, through choice. There's alot of frogs out there.

It's not just some people, though, is it, SGB? Seems to me that it's most people who find happiness as part of a couple. The fact that a fair number of them don't succeed in making it last does not change that. Finding your "soulmate" (or just one of the possibles) is not, in itself, a guarantee of lifelong happiness. It requires, at the risk of cliche, that the partners work at it. There are plenty of ways in which people fail to do that, of course. Doesn't alter my view that couplehood is what humans want, on the whole.

MsHighwater, where's your evidence that heteromonogamy is the best option? IE that people who are happy derive their happiness in life from heteromonogamy more than successful work, art, hobbies, friendships to an extent that whether or not one has any partners is no big deal. People can be, and are, happy without a heteromonogamous couple-relationship, other people can be in a heteromonogamous relationship that doesn;t matter to them that much or actually makes them miserable, knowing that the current culture fetisihezed heteromonogamy they build lives round something else. They might be happier binning the heteromonogamy and enjoying the life, but while the Romance Industry carries on, it remains a stigmatized choice to reject heteromonogamy.
If heteromonogamy suits you and your partner, that's great, enjoy. It does suit some people. It just doesn;t suit everyone.

I think there are also people who can be so monogamous that they will go on being unable to switch from the one object of their affection even if they get no response or lose their partner. Not very common, but it does happen. There are people who never remarry after a bereavement or divorce, despite opportunities, just as there are others who will be looking around for the next partner the moment one relationship breaks down. It's not necessarily because they are fetishizing a monogamous culture; it may be what feels right to them. People are different. They just are.

I agree with SGB and yet I also believe there can be no greater happiness than being with the right person. But many of us simply never find them and like me put up with years of unhappiness with the wrong people. Luckily I've learnt since then how to happily single, and that's very important, to know you can be fulfilled on your own. I have many interests, am very spiritual and love being a mother.

BUT, having recently met a man with whom I felt an instant connection and who makes me deeply happy, I do feel that there probably are very few people who are totally right for us. And relationships do take work, that's for sure, but if it's all work and no play, what's the point? It's not that I NEED someone, I just WANT someone, to share the ups and downs of life, to hold me and want to know me, and yes, I suppose I do believe in yin and yang.

SGB, I've never, in this thread, tried to argue that long term monogamy (hetero or otherwise) is the only way that anyone can be happy. Clearly some people are happiest outwith a long term relationship. Actually, what sparkybint says chimes well with my view - "there can be no greater happiness than being with the right person".

I am only offering my view based on observation throughout my own life (not simply my own personal experience, though) and I was simply responding to you seeming to say that monogamy is a con that is negative for all concerned, especially women, and is only dominant because of a longstanding campaign of misinformation led by men (I am paraphrasing, of course, but that seemed to me to be what you were asserting).

Something like this LeQueen?

www.lovehoney.co.uk/bigpicture.cfm?p=7947

Not exactly armour but very fetching none the less . Definitely something for the weekend.

Well, I would fundamentally disagree that 'there can be no greater happiness than being with the right person' simply because life has so many other sources of great happiness in it. It simply isn't true for everyone.
And I do not have a problem with individuals' desire for heteromonogamy: what I object to is the constant pushing of it as the best option for everyone, and the enforcement of it. There are not huge industries dedicated to encouraging people to be gay, or celibate, or celebrate any fetish other than that of romantic love.