Do you believe in a soul mate? I have some questions so come and humour me.

[FluffysBeenBittenByAVampire]

What does it mean to you? What if one person doesn't realise, are they still a soul mate? Do you give them time? How do you know who your soul mate is? TIA

I think TBH in quite a lot of relationships one person is more inclined to think 'soulmate' while the other thinks of the relationship more along the lines of 'Well, you've got to settle down some time, haven't you, and s/he is all right really...'. Yes, plenty of people do strike it lucky and find someone who is attractive to them, available to them and equally interested in a committed longterm relationship but it's more common for one person to be a bit keener than the other. Of course, over time, such relationships can even themselves out with each partner taking his/her turn to be keener on the other or a bit fed up with the relationship but not enough to walk away.

i met my soulmate after ds was born but i would never ever do anything about it - even though we spent many hours mutually fascinated by one another; talking and anticipating one another's movements in the local area, i don't think we would be happy together 'in real life' - i got to know his wife who was deeply unhappy with their marriage and recognised that i probably would not want such a gorgeous talented man with a public profile who has women throwing himself at him in all the countries where his work takes him and is bingeing on something or another all the time to block out the major dark episodes he seems to go through fairly often.

he has moved away now (phew!!!) though i know that he made dh feel inferior and inadequate and still does to some extent. it is a shame as i have been with dh for ages and it definitely did spoil something in our relationship even though i consistently refused his advances (not that type of gal unfortunately).

i will never meet anyone like him again - but that is ok because i feel so priviledged to have met this beautiful person and spent so much time with him. it is wonderful to find your soulmate. another time, pre-stretchmarks when i was still really glam - who knows???

SGB, without doubt some people are hopelessly romantic about this kind of thing, but do you really have to be so cynical? I'm not sure about the "soulmate" thing, still less that there could be just one possible "perfect" match in the entire world for each person but I still think there's a bit more to what binds my dh and I together - and has done since the very beginning of our relationship - than just us being attractive and available to one another.

Without a shadow of a doubt, it is only excusable to talk about someone being your "soulmate" if it is wholly mutual.

The term soulmate makes me cringe.

It makes me think of those middle aged couples in Cottontraders catalogues in matching fleeces yomping along through a field.

Christ, tsarchasm. That is a grim image.

The most important thing in a relationship is that you find the same things funny. If that's right everything you can get through anything. If it's not it will always be torture. Everything else is froth.

everything

So you are all split into the believers and the cynics. Interesting!

Dh and I are both cynics.
We must be soulmates!

MsHighwater: Heteromonogamy is vastly overrated anyway, and the myth that it is somehow the best way to conduct your life and that everyone who isn't heteromonogamous and coupled is a failure or a wierdo is extremely damaging.
So yes, while wishing people the best in sorting out their lives in ways that suit them and anyone they might be involved with, I regard it as a moral duty to put the boot in to heteromonogamous romance as an 'ideal' whenever possible.

So gay people aren't allowed soulmates either SGB? That's a pity, I know 2 gay couples , one male, one female, who have been together for 20 years + and they would both say they have their soulmates, why do you differentiate between hetero and gay couples? They are no different to me, some are faithful, some not, just like straight people.

Being monogamous isn't just restricted to straight people you know.

Zeph, my hubby thinks that Terry Pratchett is the funniest thing ever, I don't find him funny at all, the same with Hitch hikers guide and his favourite film is Blues Brothers - he sits and howls at it but I hate it. I love horror films, he hates them -
We've managed to struggle through 27 years together not always laughing at the same things! We do both hate Ricky Gervais though.
Mutual respect and consideration for each other are the most important factors in a ( healthy and successful) relationship.

We do however wear fleeces ( not matching !) and go yomping through fields on occasion.

We are definitely and without a shadow of a doubt, mutual soul mates - whether it was fate or blind luck I don't know.

I find the term 'soulmate' a bit cringeworthy, but I believe that I found the perfect 'fit' for me. None of the people in my locality were right, so I met mine abroad, and made him move country

The thing is, SGB, that forming stable partnerships (hetero or otherwise) seems to be our default mode as humans. I certainly know that, having been in just such a heteromonogamous relationship with my dh for several years, it doesn't seem to be overrated to me. On the contrary, it seemed to me that, once we began seeing one another and became serious, all sorts of things began to fall into place. I wouldn't take it that he is the only person in the entire world with whom I could ever have had such a connection (or vice versa) but the prospect of it being forever fills me with nothing but satisfaction and contentment. That being so, is it any wonder that I would recommend it to others?

There is such a thing - it's called your Anam Cara.

Thankyou Doodlez I googled it, it sounds good!

MsHighwater: That's the thing. Longterm heteromonogamy is not the default mode of human beings. If it was, people would just get on with it instead of making such a ridiculous big deal about it.
Malificence: while some gay people are monogamous, others are not, and there is considerable disagreement among gay people over whether the bigging up of Stable Couplehood as the future for gay existence is really such a good idea.

Go on then, SGB, show me the evidence. I'm sure you have some. I'll clarify my view - it seems to me that monogamy is the dominant (thus default) mode for modern humans. I have made no study of the issue - just my impression. Who and what has caused us to go against our instincts, if that is what you believe has happened?

MsHIghwater: Firstly, the endless propaganda for longterm monogamy and the harsh enforcment of it, particularly the restrictions men are always trying to place on women's sexual choices (biologically, it makes a lot more sense for women to be promiscuous when fertile so that only the best sperm gets to the egg, there is a slightly stronger case for this ISTR than for the old one about men being driven to spread their seed far and wide etc).
Secondly, the obvious fact that so many people are not long term monogamous and whencoerced and pressured towards long term monogamy they either have a succession of short semi-monogamous (usually overlapping) relationships and whine about how hard it is to find The ONe or they pairbond (sort of) with someone who's steady, reliable and domesticated and get their jollies elsewhere.

Soulmates? Don't believe in them. But I am very lucky to have met my DH who is by far the funniest person I have ever met as well as being a caring, decent, kind and tolerant bloke. Best mates? Yep. Soulamtes? Crikey, wouldn't want that label.

I agree, no such thing and a pointless waste of time expecting to find one.