I am coming more and more to the conclusion that in order to truly understand this path of rebuilding, one must have walked it. This is true empathy. However, I'd like to think that even if I can't truly empathise with a situation, I would as Morris said, be gentle in my challenges, especially to posters who are themselves not guilty of the contemptuous behaviour we are discussing here.
It is not surprising in the least for those of us who have rebuilt, that intimate details and confidences shared by the affair partners are now known to us. It is all part of the recovery process that if a betrayed partner wants to know everything, the betraying spouse must tell. But this includes everything, good and bad. Often it is during these discussions that the lies told during the affair are exposed, as well.
Interestingly, my DH's OW also disclosed a serious sexual assault by a colleague that had occurred a few months before. She did not report it at work or to the police, but told her husband, who similarly took no action of any kind. This, despite an entire career full of allegations made against colleagues and managers. She went on to say that as the H had taken no action, my H should not fear her H's reaction if he uncovered the affair.
On hearing this dreadful tale, my H was horrified, genuinely sympathetic and consoling, telling her that it was not too late to report the matter etc. A couple of months after the account of this incident however, the OW accidentally let slip that she had accepted lots of gifts and even flowers sent to the house, from the person who had assaulted her - and that they in fact had a warm, collegiate relationship.
When my H challenged the implausibility of this with OW, she responded that she had "forgiven" her attacker, who was actually a "really nice bloke". My H recalls her horror at the inconsistencies being exposed like this - she had forgotten that she had told my H the name of the attacker during the initial story. The stories about the gifts and flowers had another purpose though, a misguided attempt to make my H jealous of another admirer.....
We have concluded therefore that it is very unlikely that any assault actually took place - and that any activity was probably consensual. I suspect the motives for this sort of lie are complex and varied. For some sad reason, some women still feel the need to "apologise" for earlier sexual activity - and therefore claim no responsibility for it. It would have also destroyed the fantasy that the affair was the first incident of infidelity and to boot, this tale portrayed her as a "victim", which is a position she had reverted to for much of her life (e.g. frequent allegations made against people at work.)
I have the most enormous sympathy for anyone who has been the victim of a sexual attack - short of murder, it is the most heinious crime. However, I have no sympathy whatsoever for individuals who invent such stories - it is doubly offensive to real victims of assault.
It would have been very strange indeed if my H had not disclosed this story when I asked if she had ever been unfaithful before - and the value of this conversation was compounded when H recalled that she had also enjoyed a sexual encounter with another woman during her marriage. I pointed out to my H that this was as much infidelity as the affair - but neither he nor she, had viewed it like this.
These conversations happen with rebuilding couples all of the time, but the vast majority of ours focus on HIS behaviour - and not the OW's.
I cannot speak for others, but I would never pretend that my H was honest all the time to the OW, just as she was not honest with him.
I also think that for some people caught up in an affair, they tell the biggest lies of all to themselves and I agree that as soon as the fantasy is exposed, those delusions come crashing down. One of the most difficult areas we had to confront as a recovering couple was the tricky subject of the "lies by omission" my H told OW during the affair. This was a real wake-up call for my DH, who had been pretty insistent that while he told OW some lies, on the major stuff, he had been pretty truthful. He had however been in denial that by allowing statements she made to go unchallenged, what he was in effect doing was telling lies.
Both parties behave very badly during affairs, often to eachother and always to their partners. If lies have been told by both the affair partners to eachother (as in my case) one party is no worse than the other.
It is expecting the impossible of people who are still so raw (in the eye of the storm, as Morris says) about an affair to harbour no ill will towards the OW, even if she has behaved impeccably once the affair is exposed.
It will always be erroneous to blame the OW and not the H - but no-one on here has said that OW "lured" their husbands - or that their husband's behaviour was anything less than atrocious. The aim in recovery is for all parties to stop hating and blaming, but I'd imagine the best you're going to achieve in the way of feelings towards the OW is a sort of neutrality - and if the OW has made threats against your children, or made nasty remarks about them - try telling a mother to feel "neutral" about that. It is unnecessary spite and bile against a defenceless child, usually undertaken by cowardly means such as E mails and the internet.
Dittany is quite right that the husband is primarily at fault for providing the means for the OW to attack the family like this, but this does not mean that the person doing the attacking should escape our contempt, does it?
I actually think the "blind spot" here is about women's behaviour. It is perfectly possible for women to behave dreadfully - that might be because of hurt, psychological issues or a whole host of reasons - but I would no more apologise for a woman's behaviour as I would a man's.