Soo angry at OW's text

[helpmeoutofthismess]

Apologies if this comes up twice- having computer probs.

Basically my H who left me 3 months ago following an affair, has recently told me he'd like to work on our marriage and asked if I'll take him back.

We have a 9 month old DD who we both absolutely adore and we have really bonded over her and despite everything there is still a deep affection between us and we spend alot of time together despite being "separated." We were together for 10 years before his affair.

The problem is, I still cannot trust him. I know he's had contact with the OW since he left and the timing of his affair was absolutely awful- I was 9 months pregnant, an discovered it 2 weeks after my DD was born.

Anyway, perhaps stupidly, I texted the OW to ask if they were still involved. I had her number still from nasty texts she sent me after I confronted her initially in my shocked and devestated state.

She texted back denying any current involvement then the next day sent me a really nasty text accusing me of being the "final nail in the coffin" in her marriage and that because of my texts, her husband was leaving her. No remorse, no guilt, no apology, just pure hatred from her to me.

She sent my H similar texts, blaming him for her H leaving her and lots of abuse with it.

I know my H is responsible for breaking OUR wedding vows, but surely she is responsible for her own marriage???? She has a child, which is why I caould never forgive her part in it when she knew what the first few weeks of being a new mum is like but she didn't seem to care.

I've felt sick ever since, as if I've been dragged months back in time when she initially sent me nasty texts when I discovered their affair. Texts which made me feel I was responsible for my H's infidelity.

I can't believe someone could be soo selfish and nasty as to blame the wife of the man you had an affair with for the breakdown of your own marriage.

Just soo angry at her- can't seem to let it go. Feel she got off VERY lightly as I never contacted her H or caused alot of bother for her. I kept it between me and my H and hence we subsequently separated while she stayed with her hsuband!!!!!

Help me to let this go please.

[DSH]

i think Moondog gets on the sauce every now and then. sometimes her posts are so vitriolic, and other times perfectly friendly.

[meltedchocolate]

moondog grow up. If you cant give constructive advive don't say any thing.

OP it is great you are considering trying to work on your marriage. I am sure it will be very difficult but you need to delete OW number and forget her (as in her personally, not what she and your husband did). I admire you for the strength you have shown.

[MorrisZapp]

Have to agree with dittany. I always find threads like this to be a bit 'Ricki Lake' ie women scrapping over a cheating liar.

The cheating liar always sits pretty while the women duke it out.

This woman has been very rude and hurtful to you, but what did you honestly expect - to her, you are as much her enemy as she is yours.

Just like you, she thinks the bloke is the prize and the women are the ones whose fault it all is.

If you really want to move on and rebuild your marriage, you have to be able to stay away from any attempt at contacting her. Her own marriage now seems to be over so you can't punish her any worse than that anyway.

Your relationship is between you and your DH only - she has no part of any further discussions or contact.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

Don't think the husband in this case has been "sitting pretty" at all by the sounds of it, but presume from what you've said that the OW in this case is a "lying cheating git who shags around behind her husband's back?"

As long as you've got the same standards for cheating women, I've got no real issue. I never think that affairs per se, make people totally without redeeming qualities, but as I said, much depends on what they were like before and how they behaved afterwards - to everyone involved.

[MorrisZapp]

The OW has only cheated on one person though - her own husband. He is the one left dealing with that.

OP was cheated on by her husband, not by OW.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

Oh yes absolutely Morris - my comment was more in response to Dittany's assessment that the OP's husband is a "lying cheating git who shags around behind his wife's back" - as long as those standards are similarly applied to the cheating wife in this case, there is no inconsistency and sexist double-standard.

As you know, I happen to believe that anyone who engages in an affair with a married person (in this case, there is an OM and an OW) does have some responsibility to behave decently to another human being - but yes of course, the cheating parties here broke their own vows and therefore have the most responsibility towards their own spouses.

[QuintessentialShadows]

I dont quite see why you would get in touch with your husband mistress.
What I do find sad, is that you were expecting a MORE honest answer from her than from your own husband.

That just about says it, doesnt it?

I would not accept him back without councelling and some serious grovelling on his part.

[MorrisZapp]

Vg point, QS.

It is bizarre when you look at it like that.

Why would OW give you more honesty then your DH.

[stuffitllllama]

QS because she's a normal person, confused, unhappy, doing some things wrong, some things right, doesn't know who to trust, trying to find things out, naturally and self-destructively curious, mixed up, torn, shocked, devastated.

This was a plea for help for her to let it go. Not open season.

[stuffitllllama]

Moondog, you too. Why do you need to spit out such vitriolic comments to someone so unhappy?

[Malificence]

I find it strange that you are probably willing to forgive your husband for betraying you at the very time you needed him the most, the most special time in your life as a couple, yet you can't forgive her for doing it to you, she owes you nothing, there's no such thing as sisterhood, she wanted him - end of, and now she is jealous of you. She is feeling aggrieved that she has lost her husband and is displacing her guilt onto you.

Save your anger for your husband.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

Yes stuffit - this is a real person on here who has gone through the most awful time of it. She has in any case admitted in her original post that she doesn't trust her husband, so this doesn't seem baffling to me at all. She acknowledges herself that perhaps she was "stupid" (her words) to contact the OW, but at a time when she is trying to verify what her husband is saying (a common practice after an affair) I can understand why she did it - and why after all this time, she expected at least some human compassion from OW.

When something like this happens, you even distrust yourself and your own judgement and this poor poster is desperately trying to make sense of the situation - and placing her own decent values on how others might behave - I understand all that completely.

Come back OP and hope you are okay.

[Anifrangapani]

It is possible to forgive the partner who cheated but not the OW. You will have had a lot more contact with your partner than the OW and he will have had the chance to behave in a more honorable way post affair. If the only communication the OP has had post affair has been vitriolic in parts and accusatory in whole. In my case I still (18 months down the line) would hit the accelorator rather than the break if I saw her walking across the road in front of me. It does not help we have had no contact & as she was a friend I feel that she does owe it to me to appologise or at least acknowledge some part in the affair. I so wish that I could just throw away the feeling of betrayal and get on with my life.... fine with dh by the way

Oddly her husband has been quite nasty to me about it as if it was my fault.... don't quite see how that goes but hey ho

[Conundrumish]

Bloody hell Moondog . What bitchy responses. Are you the OW per chance?!

[stuffitllllama]

I think that's really unpleasant Dittany. Basically nothing more than making Helpme feel even more crap than she already does by pointing out how pathetic she is.

[stuffitllllama]

how pathetic you think she is of course

[MorrisZapp]

Nobody said OP was pathetic, or even hinted it.

[stuffitllllama]

It's this badly disguised contempt:

"In fact the OW's husband seems to have a clearer idea of what sort of person he's married to given that he's dumped his cheating wife for what she did. I take it he hasn't been in touch with the OP's cheating DH to get an apology off him either."

She was asking for help with one particular problem that she knew she should be able to get over but she couldn't. She really needs to be told her dh is a Grade A tosser, doesn't she? Do you think she hasn't been through that part? And how do you know he would have done it with someone else? You're just throwing out random opinions. god knows why, just to show how tough you are maybe?

It's like asking: Can you help me with this issue I've got with my nanny? And the response coming back: Why the hell have you got a nanny you idiot I'm not surprised you've got problems.

Just not very nice really.

[MorrisZapp]

I think in fact that quite often the people who post here after affairs do need to be reminded (gently!) who the real villain of the piece is, as it is so easy to lose perspective when you're in the eye of the storm.

I would never be unkind about it, but imo focussing on the OW is just making matters worse.

[Anifrangapani]

If you are trying to rebuild a fragile relationship you need to reasure yourself that it is the right thing to do. If you critise the person you (in my experience) are trying to rebuild a relationship with it makes you feel as if that decision is not the right one. After an affair the hurt of betrayal does not go away immediately or even after a you have talked yourself hoarse with your partner. Yes he may be a tosser for committing an near unforgivable act, but he may have realised the errors of his ways and is doing all the right things but, it still does not bring back your trust right away or make the betrayal go away. However to keep throwing it back in his face is not going to heal the relationship and make you question your own judgement. So in my opinion it is better to channel the anger you feel about the situation towards the person you do not care if you hurt.

If you split up it could be the XP/Xdh or if you decide that staying together then it is usually the OW/OM that gets the brunt of the anger. Each time I feel anger about it I have visions of her dying in a horrible and painful way.

[stuffitllllama]

I'm glad it wasn't contempt.

You missed the point: I wasn't using an example of a nanny sleeping with a husband. I was using the example of someone posting with an appeal for help with one issue and getting flamed because people take issue with something else.