'Cold and unfriendly' - help please!!!

[Sallypuss]

For the third time in my life last week I was described as 'cold' and unapproachable. This was by my boss in the context of my performance review at work. I've known my boss for years and this is the first time he's mentioned it.

This hit a very raw nerve as I've been described like this before - once in a previous work context 10 years ago and once a couple of years ago by my FIL.

I genuinely don't know what to do about it - I'm naturally quite reserved by nature, takes me ages to get to know people but I'm always chatty and friendly at work and socially. At work, I do put my head down and get my work done.

This comment really hurt though (I went to the ladies and bawled afterwards) and its been on my mind all weekend. Can't bring myself to talk to DH about it (in case he also thinks it's true!) so I was hoping I might find some words of wisdom on here as clearly perception is reality so I need to do something about it. Anyone experienced this and got any pearls of wisdom or do I just say f*ck it, I'm 36 and that's just how I am?!

Sorry Dittany - must have just interpreted that off beam. Maybe I have a hidden sensitivity!!

Speaking for myself alone, I'm not saying (at all) that the criticism is fair and "cold" is an unfortunate choice of word. However, I think the fact that OP considers herself to be reserved, had a raw nerve about the point at issue and then suppressed her feelings to the point of not discussing something which had made her "bawl" with her husband, I can see that there may be a case to be answered or at least a defence of her boss in coming to that perception.

We all generally bring our own experiences to the advice we give and comments we make. I have been the "victim" of misunderstood personality traits and as wrong as they are, I can understand how people get to their conclusions/perceptions (as said earlier in this post, shyness can look like snobbery etc etc etc) and similarly I have struggled to find the right words to give feedback on personality traits or personal matters at times so have sympathy for how hard this can be to get right. MN would be a pointless place if none of us provided advice or made comments because we were too aware of our own biases but at the same time I generally try to be objective and say where I think assumptions and conjecture are influencing my opinions due to insufficient information as to the actual situation being available.

Math "Truth shouldn't hurt in the workplace" Are we talking reality here or in an ideal world? Constructive criticism/negative feedback will often hurt no matter how well delivered especially if the recipient of the feedback is sensitve to it or has a "raw nerve" in the OP's language. You can't tip-toe around all employees or no feedback would ever be delivered and it is surprising how blunt sometimes you have to be. Was the OP's boss really supposed to know that he was hitting a raw nerve to the extent of making her "bawl" with a comment which was insensitve but hardly disciplinary offence harsh? Try telling an employee that they have body odour issues I'd like to know how you think that should be dealt with with a sensitive employee without hurting their feelings! Trust sometimes has to hurt even in the workplace.

The OP's boss showed insensitivity but the insensitivity is (in my view) not proportionate to the sensitivity which the OP has shown. He did not know that she had a raw nerve and while OP should certainly make the boss aware of the fact that the criticism hurt her, I think that she needs to try not to impute the level of hurt she is feeling into her perception of the intentions of the boss in saying what he said or that will make for an unconstructive follow up conversation/relationship. Easier said that done and I'm not sure if I explained that too well

I don't know how I could have made it clearer that in my workplace (which as a professional services firm represents a very large employment sector) personality is at least as important as technical work and so men constantly receive feedback on their personality and I'm sure women are just as guilty of taking our stress and bad moods at home. Almost anyone can learn the technical work and it is easy to give feedback to and indeed sack those few who can not. A much larger area of focus therefore in staff training is on areas of personality and personal development and it is bloodly hard getting the balance right in giving such feedback. And in my many years in this job I have seen more clients won and lost on the basis of personality ("cultural" in the current management speak) fit and relationship management than on the grounds of good technical work so it is extremely important to get that aspect right and respond to feedback on such points.

I think the word 'cold' when applied to a woman has a sexual connotation which is often used as an abusive insult. It is frequently used in conjunction with the word 'frigid', and both words have essentially the same meaning. I think you would have to be a caveman to not understand this particular association the word 'cold' has; using it in an appraisal of a woman's performance is an indication of cultural insensitivity. The male equivalent would be a verbal emasculation.

I do think that 'cold' and 'unapproachable' are specifically sexist criticisms, because women are supposed to be 'warm' and 'friendly' ie put others' needs before their own at all times (which in some workplaces includes being deferential to men and allowing men to 'flirt' ie make irrelevant-to-the-job comments on their appearance). I'm not actually saying there's anything wrong with workplace flirting as it can be enjoyable for all concerned, but that doesn't mean it shoud be compulsory.

Thanks all for the wise words.

cheerfulvicky thanks for the link to the blog I'll take a look.

dollypartin would be really grateful if you would send the information email is
s a l l y c o l d f i s h @ g o o g l e m a i l dot com (new email address created for the very purpose she says with a wry smile). Will let you know how I get on tomorrow