'Cold and unfriendly' - help please!!!

[Sallypuss]

For the third time in my life last week I was described as 'cold' and unapproachable. This was by my boss in the context of my performance review at work. I've known my boss for years and this is the first time he's mentioned it.

This hit a very raw nerve as I've been described like this before - once in a previous work context 10 years ago and once a couple of years ago by my FIL.

I genuinely don't know what to do about it - I'm naturally quite reserved by nature, takes me ages to get to know people but I'm always chatty and friendly at work and socially. At work, I do put my head down and get my work done.

This comment really hurt though (I went to the ladies and bawled afterwards) and its been on my mind all weekend. Can't bring myself to talk to DH about it (in case he also thinks it's true!) so I was hoping I might find some words of wisdom on here as clearly perception is reality so I need to do something about it. Anyone experienced this and got any pearls of wisdom or do I just say f*ck it, I'm 36 and that's just how I am?!

I used to be shocked when people said they thought I was stand-offish until they knew me. It was just shyness on my part!

Don't take it personally. Strangers are always telling me to "cheer up, it will never happen" when I'm actually quite happy! Guess I just have one of those serious faces.

I guess my one bit of advice (as far as the unaproachable bit is concerned) would be to try and be open and smiley when people approach you. Always think positive (I can help them, rather than "what the f* do they want now ;-)"

And don't worry. As long as you are doing your job well, it's fine.

'Likeable' is code for non-intimidating woman, or non-uppity woman in the world of US election politics. Hillary came into the race with a lot of baggage from the Clinton presidency, most of which was created by the media and the evangelical right and conservatives who took issue not just with her views per se, but with the fact that she, a woman, dared to express them. (Sarah Palin has never suffered from the 'likeability' issue because she is a spokesperson for the right, so they can get over the fact that she's a woman. Choosing her as a candidate would never have occurred to the Republicans if Hillary hadn't run for the Democratic nomination.)

Agree -- Using the word 'likeable' actually made it something of a trick question. When the word 'likeable' is used wrt to a male candidate it means something else entirely to what it means when applied to a woman. I think both candidates' responses reveal they were aware of the loaded nature of the word.

To be honest, I wouldn't see anything wrong in a boss I've known for years giving me some feedback like this. Probably the only reason he's saying this now is because it is relevant now in that Sally, you will be in contact with a lot more people. I remember a boss I knew and liked very much telling me that I can come across as being intimidating to people. It hurt a bit at the time, but I understood what he meant - I worked in a very male environment and was so at pains to appear the professional at all times that I could see why I came across as a bit anal...

I also knew that he only gave feedback to people he rated - and he gave similarly honest feedback to the males on the team too.

But as with all feedback, it depends on the motives of the people giving it, If you generally like and respect your boss and have always had a good working relationship, then perhaps accept there might be something in this, but the way to test its validity is to get some feedback from others.

As a minimum, say you've been giving it some thought and wonder whether he can recall some specific examples of when you have come across as cold and unapproachable. You might also ask him if he would be willing to help you with this by offering you a 360 degree appraisal. These are wonderful instruments, if handled correctly, because you get feedback from everyone; peers, staff, your managers. The feedback is anonymised and therefore made safe for those giving it and you, the client, get to have a session with someone rather more skilled than your boss at giving feedback! You'll soon see whether others see you in this way and then you can make up your mind what to do about it.

I'd always talk stuff like this over with my H though, find it a bit puzzling that you wouldn't do this. I know my H would tell it to me straight too, so would really trust his opinion.

That's exactly what I was trying to say Anyfucker!

Do you think that he could mean 'You're the one who's least likely to suck my dick if I ask you to, so I'm going to try and put you in your place.'?

chunkykitkat, not that all chatty people are airheads

just some

Look I think we've gone off at tangent here - I for one am not a Hilary Clinton fan - however that link IS to do with running for an election - Sally - you're IN your job.

Appraisals are usually then written up and you sign them - if not happy - and you're not - you might want to challenge.

Do you live to work? A very British thing actually and possibly something you should try to temper. I'm sure you're a great person.

I'm quite a po faced worker actually - didn't win me many friends but it gave me a good professional reputation. I was also very approachable - just not a drinks at lunchtime and after work with the lads type of chick. No time - I had an out of work life to fulfill.

Are you OK?????

Does anyone remember a Viz character called Millie Tant? I sometimes think she has come to life and is living on these boards...

I don't think there is anything from what the OP says, that suggests her boss is a misogynist with a hidden agenda to get his dick sucked by his employees - and now that he has been thwarted by Sally, has decided to get revenge. I suspect this is just a bit of well-intentioned, but clumsily delivered feedback where no harm is intended - and the boss would probably be horrified that Sally is (understandably) so upset by it.

Anyway OP, let us know how you are and whether any of this has been of use.

(Retreats to find old Viz annuals)

I have a good friend, apparently her own Dad calls her "a cold fish" or "the cold fish" of the family. Which I think is quite harsh. However, I found she was someone I had to work hard to convince I like her, I knew it was worth it and now we're good friends. However, I feel sad because I see her as someone who doesn't say what they feel - she will put up with other people treating her badly and never say anything at the time. Then when I mention it later, she'll tell me how annoyed she really felt. So, maybe, men in particular are not used to women who don't open up and say how they feel. On the other hand, she avoids confrontation in this way, so it sounds quite professional, so don't know why your boss feels like he has a right to make this comment.

I have every sympathy with Sallypus, these kind of comments are very hurtful.
I was accused of being responsible for my boss attempting suicide, and was accused of hiding behind trying to pretend to be the perfect mummy and being like a "Piece of wood".
I am a quiet person and was going through a very difficult emotional time myself at the time, and this still hurts and upsets me now, nearly 6 months later.

I also have every sympathy with Sally but agree there is nothing to suggest that her boss was not trying his best to deliver genuine feedback and was instead being vindictive because she would not give him a blow job

I also have a tendancy to be reserved and a little cold/distant and crying in the toilets after something upsets me is exactly what I would do (as, on occassions, has been not telling important things to people who are close to me) as the last thing I want is for people to see that I have feelings. That is exactly how someone acts who appears but is in fact not cold acts and so I am not shocked at her boss giving this feedback.

The fact is Sally has not been back on her since she originally posted to clear up any confusion or correct and conjecture which might have arisen so it is hard to give any meaningful advice or not go off on tangents.

Like it or not personality does affect how your do your work. I work in a service industry and personality is arguably everything. It is easy to give feedback to people who research things badly or do not write reports clearly or have bad grammar but much harder to clearly give feedback on personality aspects and credit to her boss for trying.

It is not a very helpful comment because your boss doesn't seem to have made any suggestions for how to 'improve'.

Apart from that, I agree with dittany - it was a sexist comment. Would he have said the same to a male employee?

Women are usually expected to smile a lot and be accommodating, not put themselves first etc. If they don't conform to this, some people get confused/feel threatened/need to assert their power, so they call them cold/unfriendly/difficult/frigid (hate that word) and any other sort of adjective which would be seen as a positive when describing a man.

So:

cold = determined, focused

unfriendly = has own opinions, not easily convinced/manipulated.

I hope this makes sense. It's a horrible thing to say to someone, and in my opinion reflects more on your boss than it does on you.

Thanks all for all your support and comments I really do appreciate it as I've said, I would struggle to talk about this in RL without crying.

I had to smile at one post (thank you - first time all week!) who suggested I should talk to HR - what I didn't say in my OP was that my boss is the HR Director of a FTSE 50 company - talk about cobbler's children....

I do accept that there is probably an element of sexism to my boss's comments (he probably wouldn't have said that to a man and it is a very male culture in the organisation I work in) and,whilst he is the embodiment of neanderthal man I do think he thought he was being constructive in his comments . The fact is that I do need him to want to come and talk to me about what's going on rather than pure transactional stuff however, I have zero interest in sport, his collection of Rolex watches or the latest sportscar he's splashing hundreds of thousands of £s on. I want to come in, do a damn good job and then go home and spend some valuable time with my family. However, I do appreciate that when you get to a certain level in an organisation you need to operate in a certain way and that's what I need the help with - transforming from someone who's seen as cold and unapproachable to the opposite (or as far as my personality will allow).

I had a follow up meeting with him yesterday but he postponed it (obviously a priority) to tomorrow. So trying to think through my conversation with him and any help very gratefully received.

Hi Sally. I'm glad you believe your boss thought he was being constructive - and like I said earlier, I think it's the delivery of this feedback that has been clumsy and hurtful, rather than the feedback itself iyswim. For that reason, I have every sympathy with your reaction - it hit a nerve as you say - but your boss wouldn't have been aware that this was your achilles heel.

I'm assuming that you have staff yourself - and as you say, your new role will involve you engaging and influencing people who are not your direct reports, so the way you come across to people is important to getting the job done and the business overall. In this respect, I think the feedback itself is fair and possibly insightful. What I want you to do though is to remember that he didn't say you were "cold and unapproachable" - just that you "come across" that way. It's always much more helpful to describe perceptions and behaviour, rather than criticise someone's personality.

So, remember, you are not cold and unapproachable - but it could be that you give that impression sometimes.

I would enter the meeting very calmly and try to have some humour about the situation too. If you know him well enough, give HIM some feedback on his feedback skills! However, before you do that, do ask him for some specific examples of when he has gained that impression. Very often, when people are perceived as being cold, it's because they don't look up from their work when people approach them. Usually this is because they are so absorbed in what they are doing, but to the person approaching, it makes them want to turn on their heels! Hence they feel you are being unapproachable.

Next, say that you realise that this impression can be damaging to your working relationships and that you would like some help with that. This could be the 360 degree stuff I mentioned earlier, or a coaching programme - perhaps do your own research prior to the meeting, find out costs and ask him to support you.

In answer to other posters, I suspect what he said to you will not be written down anywhere on the appraisal. In FTSE companies, appraisals are usually more objectives and goal orientated, but do tell us otherwise if that's not the case.

And maybe he wouldn't have said the same to a man, but I've also known men who aren't "clubbable" (i.e not interested in sport, cars and watches) given far worse feedback than this. They are treated like social pariahs by "alpha" (or neanderthal) males - and in my experience, get sidelined far more than assertive females.

Make sure you're wearing foundation make up (looks less obvious if you well up with tears), take plenty of water/tea so that if you need to you can take a sip of a drink if needed to give you a second to think/collect yourself.

Force yourself to be VERY honest at the beginning (so you get it said and out of the way). Tell him right out that you were upset/disappointed by the feedback so it is very important to you that you understand it. I think your comment that perception is reality is a good one. As someone else pointed out perception is not necessarily the reality BUT if you argue against a perception like this (which is a matter of how someone else sees you) then you run the risk of adding "does not accept criticism" to your perceived faults.

Ask him to provide specific examples, ask him whether other people feel this way (you do need to understand that because then it IS affecting your job) and importantly agree what he thinks you should do to overcome this. If your organisation operates like mine (similar size), having specifically defined goals will be very important because ultimately that gives you something to point at in 6 months time and say "look, I am doing what you asked me to do".

I understand the desire to get in, do a good job and then go home but that attitude is not always great for team building is it? I work in transaction support and frequently I get referred work through conversations which start with football (I now see keeping vaguely aware of the progress of the local team as part of my job. Its not a perfect situation but since clients and colleagues want to talk about it, it just has to be that way or I'll be forever stood off to the side in client meetings with nothing to say feeling awkward). And rolexes, sports cars etc might not be everyone's cup of tea but it is a good thing to show an interst in colleagues' interests (especially those of the boss unfortunately). Luckily my (main) boss is female and loves talking about nice restaurants and holidays but I also pretend on occasion to be interested in her PFB and/or nanny problems (I'm NOT). It's not so different.

It is said that wise men have something to say and fools have to say something. Unfortunately very few people are lucky enough to work for a (large) company where anyone senior has the sense to appreciate the difference. You have to decide whether you want to play the game (just enough to get by) or not.

I think your boss could have shown a lot more tact and respect in his review; that's a part of his job as a people manager after all. What is he doing to try to bring you out of your shell more?

Surely it would have made more sense to say "People may view you as somewhat cold and unapproacheable because you're a bit shy so consider being more extroverted in your new role. I'll always be here if you need support or help..." etc and words to that effect.

Even that isn't necessarily the best way to put it but surely it's better than the accusatory tone he adopted? What a knob!!

Sallypuss - sorry. Totally disagree with what others are saying. Do NOT under any circumstances accept this critcism. Do NOT under any circumstances agree to go on some sort of training course on interpersonal skills or anything like it. If you do you are admitting you have something wrong with you. This man is giving his impression and nothing more. There is nothng wrong with you.

If you agree to anything it wil go on your record and can be pulled out at any time. No man would agree or accept any criticim like this.

Oh thank God for Aussieng and her common sense. I agree with what she says here. Working relationships are really important and when you are at a senior level in an organisation, this becomes even more important and relevant. It just won't cut it (and would be childish) to say "Well, you're the manager, you're the one who's meant to be approachable, not me!" It makes much more sense to see this in the wider context and people with good interpersonal skills are good for business and good for team-building.

It is also good manners to feign interest sometimes in what excites others, even though it might bore us rigid. And usually there is also some common ground and shared interests e.g. children, schools, current affairs etc.

I know it has always helped me with clients and colleagues, to find something for which we have a shared passion. I accept it's been invaluable to have a passion for football and I enjoy confounding people's female stereotypes when I can talk knowledgeably about the game, but with other people, it's been politics - or running, or raising children....but I have also been known to feign interest in golf, military re-enactment societies, caravan clubs and yes, even rolexes....

ABetaDad - you must be a joy to work with! Are you a union rep?

Lots of men do take such criticism constructively - to get to the top in my firm people are put through lots of evaluation days where every aspect of their personality is up for discussion and personal development plan after personal development plan is implemented. If a glass ceiling still existis it is generally becasue not enough women are willing to go through that and respond positively to such feedback (which being quite brutal, I do accept arguably contains an inherent sexism).

It is not accepting criticism, it is taking other points of view on board (as WhenWillI said, it is not about Sally accepting she is cold but accepting that it is possible that other people perceive her that way if more detailed feedback bears this out) and undertaking personal development - soomething most FTSE 100(+) companies are very enlightened, enthusiastic and postive about.

Most companies of this size also usually have "round table" type discussions around employees and so feedback is not usually just one man's opinion. We don't know enough about Sallypuss' company to know.

Aussie - women need to learn how men work. A man never accepts criticism. Never.

There is no such thing as postive feedback.

Furthermore. Once a person gets to a senior managment level everything is a zero sum game. If someone else gets the promotion to the one position that is available you don't. If someone gets a big bonus you get a small bonus because the bonus pool is finite sum.