'Cold and unfriendly' - help please!!!

[Sallypuss]

For the third time in my life last week I was described as 'cold' and unapproachable. This was by my boss in the context of my performance review at work. I've known my boss for years and this is the first time he's mentioned it.

This hit a very raw nerve as I've been described like this before - once in a previous work context 10 years ago and once a couple of years ago by my FIL.

I genuinely don't know what to do about it - I'm naturally quite reserved by nature, takes me ages to get to know people but I'm always chatty and friendly at work and socially. At work, I do put my head down and get my work done.

This comment really hurt though (I went to the ladies and bawled afterwards) and its been on my mind all weekend. Can't bring myself to talk to DH about it (in case he also thinks it's true!) so I was hoping I might find some words of wisdom on here as clearly perception is reality so I need to do something about it. Anyone experienced this and got any pearls of wisdom or do I just say f*ck it, I'm 36 and that's just how I am?!

I disagree ABetaDad - I've given my male staff criticism before, which has been accepted, actioned and I've been thanked for it thereafter - but I accept I have always couched it differently to the way that Sally's boss did. Similarly, my H has often been given some very perceptive criticism at work - and he's pondered on it, talked to me and ultimately taken it on the chin, especially if other people have said the same thing to him before.

However, I don't think the word "criticism" is helpful here. It's just feedback and in that sense I agree that it's too narrow to describe that skill as "positive and negative". What it should be in the main, is constructive i.e. evidenced by examples and regarding a behaviour that is capable of change. This is why it is never fair to make comments personality-based - they should be behaviour-based.

If someone's behaviour is believed to be holding them back (Sally's words) or potentially damaging to business or working relationships, then I think that any good manager has the right to deliver that feedback.

But I reiterate, Sally needs to test the validity of this - it could be just her boss's perception, important though that is.

And I agree that this was very clumsily delivered - another poster downthread had a much better wording.

Sally, if you haven't I'd suggest getting a mentor who understands your company's culture.

Hello,

I haven't read the whole thread but I just thought I'd throw this into the mix. From the sound of it OP, you and lots of posters on here are introverted to varying degrees. (BTW AF, I am amazed to hear you loathe chit-chat, I am the same but wouldn't have guessed it of you. I natter on enough via MN though )
OP, there is nothing wrong with being like this, and it doesn't have to be a problem. Obviously if it is causing you issues at work you need to look at that, and at yourself to see if you can help people to understand you a bit better. But I don't think you should 'change', no. If that was even possible.

Have a look at this blog. It is called Living Introverted, and I have been reading it for a while now. There are some interesting posts on there, and some of the comments are worth a read too. Hopefully after a quick whisk through the archives, you might feel a bit better about yourself. Don't let your boss get you down.

Dittany - do you work?

I have also been described as cold and unapproachable. I am quite shy and not at all into chatting and gossiping, I suppose I keep myself to myself at work and am hopeless at small talk.

It does bother me and sometimes I wonder if I am missing out on opportunities because of it, but it is simply the way I am.

Occasionally I have days where I feel quite gregarious and chatty and surprise someone by having a chat by the photocopier. I have noticed people visibly warm to me on my (rare) chatty days and I think that if I were to make more of an effort I would be more "popular". I just can't be arsed.

oh, and bigmomma, my nickname was "icemaiden" too!

Because I'm intrigued to learn whether the advice you give is based on your experience of the modern workplace - and in particular, working in a senior management position where profitability and client relationships are paramount.

I'll take that as a "no" then, Dittany

Yes, I run a for-profit business, a lot of my clients are in the OP's sector and yes, I do think current experience of the OP's sector is relevant when offering advice.

oyoyoy

two of my favourite peeps arguing...

stop it

is this helping us poor shy, retiring, cold and unapproachable types ???

eh ? eh ?

I can see the spit and hair flying from 'ere

Hey don't worry Any Fucker - if it helps I'm having a good old giggle!

And I agree, we should of course stick to what the OP wants of us [slaps wrists emoticon]

I think that the language that OP's boss used (cold and unapproachable) was unacceptable, but it sounds as though a style and approach is required for the new role, which is not the natural style of the OP.

I do a lots of work around patterns of thinking and communication. Often those who are "very friendly, chatty, and approachable" can also be disorganised or poor time keepers.

A role that requires the OP to influence others will require some expertise in areas where she is not currently comfortable. These approaches can be learned, studied and put into practice. They may never feel like the preferred way of working, but the skills can be developed.

OP, I can send you some information if it would help, let me know.

Sod your boss! He probably secretly fancies you.

Sometimes it's a question of body language or facial expression. Sometimes it's a question of colleagues getting impressions about you from your four inch heels or your power handbag. For a woman, wearing a dark suit and tie and formal shoes is not really an option, and the messages you can convey with your work attire are many and varied. Not really fair to women.

Crikey - I can't believe I didn't feel the explosion!

Dittany - in your comments about sexism around here are you suggesting that I'm a bloke? I'm not but I'll admit that I do find some female attitudes in the workplace slightly frustrating and I utterly disagree with ABetaDad - I frequestly see the guys I work with putting themselves forward for PD courses (with 360 feedback pre-requisities) and taking the feedback on the chin and many women avoiding them because it is uncomfortable.

Also, am I allowed to bring my DH on here to post that he would also consider that he is quite new age about accepting criticism. Better and much less defensive than me anyway. Not bad for a (nearly) middle aged new worlder!

I don't especially see why it is unreasonable to suggest that working in a management position in the present day might result in a more accurate view of how appraisals are undertaken in that kind of workplace or the conduct of their cr*ppy homogeneous HR departments either.

BTW perhaps the reason why Sally was crying in the toilets was not because what was said to her it was a load of rubbish but because it hit home? Truth hurts etc. I don't know but there is more than one interpretation.

Truth shouldn't hurt in the workplace. A manager who is that blunt seems pretty cold and possibly unapproachable for further feedback, imo.

Maybe men take it on the chin because they don't receive critiques that focus on personality or the impression they give, but on their numbers, whereas women can be judged, even subconsciously, on other factors. If she's being promoted to more responsibility, surely her actual, measurable performance must have been pretty good? And the focus on intangible elements of her performance therefore caused grief -- because maybe she knows she does a great job but she feels the frustration of not being able to win for losing.

And there are plenty of men who come home and take out their workplace frustrations and responses to negative appraisals on their families. Or they detour to the pub and drown their sorrows. They usually don't go to the mens room for a blub, but they don't all take it on the chin.