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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

discovered DH is looking for ...

19 replies

singersay · 02/11/2009 09:00

So DH signed up to this social networking site and he told me that it was to watch the ladies dancing.
At first it bothered me, but then I checked the site out and its basically a whole lot of video's that youtube have deleted for some reason or the next.
Anyway, I decided to sign up to this site with an alias and even went so far as to put up a pic of some random I found on the net.
DH has been a member on this site for the past 6 months and every now and again I would sign in to check on the recent activities and had no issues.
However over the weekend I discovered that DH has been in contact with a couple of the girls on the site ( one of them is me although he has no idea) and wants to 'link them'.
I was furious at the discovery bearing in mind that we are 22 weeks pregus.
I have decided to play along and get him to book hotel room etc then confront him about it but in the meantime I'm really angry but don't want to be stressed for the sake of the baby?. Any suggestions to keep myself calm or if this is the right thing to do?

OP posts:

purplepeony · 02/11/2009 09:05

Hmmm. Is this Zoosk by any chance, linked to facebook?

Depends how long you can string this along. Stress is stress and will always be there now you have found out!

Just out of curiosity how did you load up a pic of someone else? Not condemning just curious- as they have to be jpg or similar not images form the web I think!

Do you think this is the equivalent to mild porn? Is it all just looking but not touching?

You might find he won't meet you or anyone. Up to you- I would find it hard to keep my mouth shut long enough, but if he does agree to meet "you" what then? Not easy for you.

GypsyMoth · 02/11/2009 09:06

No. Just confront him now. Playing games like this is no good is it? Get it sorted in an adult way.

CybilCybilCybil · 02/11/2009 09:06

He is planning to meet a 'stranger ' in a hotel room and you are keeping quiet about it?

HappyWoman · 02/11/2009 09:22

Tell him you know about it - as it is you - you will be able to check whether he really does tell 'stanger' that he no longer wants to meet.

But dont play games with him though.

Original poster

singersay · 02/11/2009 10:22

purplepeony, its Ning.

with regards to the photo all you do is see the image you want left click, then it gives you the option to save the image to your PC.

I hear what you saying ladies and it does make sense. But I just get this feeling that he will turn it into 'there you go over reacting due to your hormones again' if i confront him now.

I wanted to have hard evidence if he is willing to meet with the strangers cause that just proves to me that he didn't take our vows seriously... then ofcourse I think he will be more inclined to do one of 2 things 1) be more discreet or 2) have a terrible shock and suffer from a case of serious guilt!!! it annoys me that he is looking for other chicks now that we have a child on the way!!!!!

I don't know.. this is the first time of this type of issue but he has held onto pictures of his topless ex until after we were married and when I discovered them, he had 'forgotten' about this...

for me, i think if he doesn't want me then he should just say... it would be tough but i would move on...

OP posts:

CybilCybilCybil · 02/11/2009 10:25

'if he doesn't want me he should just say...'

Why on earth do you want HIM? You have clear evidence that he is prepared to cheat on you and your children.

purplepeony · 02/11/2009 10:41

no no clear evidence yet- looking only, I'd say unless there are emails etc to prove otherwise.

CybilCybilCybil · 02/11/2009 10:43

what's the significance of booking the hotel room then

GypsyMoth · 02/11/2009 10:44

print off what you already have....

Aussieng · 02/11/2009 10:47

I don't think he has booked a hotel room or done much of anything as yet. I think the OP was suggesting that she was hoping to "entrap" DH into booking a hotel room.

Original poster

singersay · 02/11/2009 13:59

At the moment he hasn't done much besides contact these women to tell them he wants to have sexual relations with them.

I was hoping to entrap him basically

OP posts:

theworldsgoneDMmad · 02/11/2009 14:02

"At the moment he hasn't done much besides contact these women to tell them he wants to have sexual relations with them."

is this not enough?!

Aussieng · 02/11/2009 15:46

SingerSay is that a genuine cold reading of what your DH has said in his emails or an emotive response to him contacting other women at all on this site? I ask only because your original post said simply that he had requested to "link them" which seems slightly less sleazy.

Now don't get me wrong, I think he is in a danger zone even if he has not gone as far as your last post suggests and you have every right to be angry. But do you really want to take it down the entrapment route. Possibly this might give you peace of mind, (ie if he does not take it any further) but there will still be that niggle of what if he has taken it furhter with one of the others so will not entirely answer your question. And on the other hand if he does take it further with you, your relationship might never recover from that (if you wanted it to - everyone is different in these situations).

It might be better to nip this in the bud now. And if the emails/contacts are as blatant as your latest post suggest then I'm with twgDM - surely this is enough to confront him with. If you really want to see it through, be sure you are ready to deal with all of the implications.

BTW - this is bloody awful and I'm so sorry. People just seem to lose their senses when using some of these social networking sites.

GypsyMoth · 02/11/2009 15:52

how do you know he hasn't done anything else?
hundreds of other websites and ways to meet willing women...thats not the ptroblem though,the problem is he is willing..

HappyWoman · 02/11/2009 15:59

'if he doesnt want me he should just say' -- the fact is it is not a choice he thinks he has to make.

HE WANTS BOTH - Many men honestly believe that as long as they dont get caught its ok - whereas woman see it as well he wants to break up the marriage. He is not thinking along those lines at all.

And if you 'allow' him to have this secret life (becuase by not confronting him that is what you are doing), he has no idea it is a deal-breaker does he?
Yes he should know but maybe he needs you to spell it out to him.

I dont think that what he is doing is acceptable but you have said it is ok to use the site - and i think just like a child he sees it as game and has not really thougth it all through.
When confronted he will say he would never have gone through with it - which is one to carry on the 'trap' i suppose.

countingto10 · 02/11/2009 16:12

My DH started flirting with women he met on an online gaming site. IMO it is the thin end of the wedge. He went on to flirt with a woman in RL, exchanged mobile numbers and the rest is history as they say. He went on to leave me and the DC and moved in with her for approx 6 weeks until he came to his senses. Didn't tell me BTW, told me he was staying with mates until I did all the adding up.

My DH didn't think he was doing anything wrong with the online flirting and the initial flirting with OW. I pointed out that anything he wouldn't do in front of me or tell me about was cheating, no ifs no buts. He understands this now (and this goes for any matter eg financial things as well). We now have an open and honest relationship with regards to everything including our feelings however much it may hurt the other, anything else would be consealment IYSWIM.

Maybe you should sit your DH down, tell him what you know and that you regard it as cheating as he probably wouldn't be doing it with you standing over his shoulder would he ? Start with the open, honesty now. Yes he may shout etc but that would be him being defensive. And try and remain calm.

Good luck.

QueenOfHearts22 · 02/11/2009 16:18

I was of the opinion that game-playing is a no-no...however, I think that perhaps this is just something you need to know, or it'll continue to bother you.

It may be controversial, but I say go ahead and ask him to book the hotel. If he says no, you can move on. If he says yes, then see if he shows up...and you will have your answer.

Men go through strange emotions though when expecting a baby - it's no excuse, but perhaps he is feeling ignored (not suggesting it's your fault!). A lot of men crave attention, and a new baby or an expected baby obviously detracts from that, so they search for it elsewhere. Hopefully he is just looking for some 'virtual' attention, which is admittedly better than physically pursuing another woman...

Sorry you're going through this. If you can't stand the tension, just speak to him. It can't be good for you or the baby to be stressed out about this

frostyfingers · 02/11/2009 17:27

I'd stop it now if I were you. If you tell him you are aware of how far he's gone and that it must stop you'd be doing yourselves a favour. Letting him go on and possibly book a room with someone is going to make the situation worse - I would call a halt before irreversable damage is done. If he has enough of a fright from you now then hopefully it will stop him altogether.

HappyWoman · 02/11/2009 20:42

think about how you will tell him you know he is prepared to see this through. At some point you will have to tell him you have trapped him - because otherwise he will tell you he never turned up blah blah blah...... He will only ever tell you what you already know, so bring it up now and then be on your guard for a while and think about if you can re-build the trust.

Flip