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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Contact with the Ex

19 replies

THEtigger · 31/10/2009 22:06

My boyfriend and I have not been getting on very well lately..he seems to find fault with everything I do. I've just found out that he had secretly created a alternative facebook identity so that he could befriend his ex behind my back.

OP posts:

Original poster

THEtigger · 31/10/2009 22:08

This is on top of all sorts of other negative behaviour towards me..like waking me up when he comes to bed to argue...leaving a list of criticisms of me lying around.moaning when I go out for the first time in 2 months..when he goes out regularly..Any advice welcomed...hes now gone out for the night and is not coming back till tomorrow

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KatieScarlett2833 · 31/10/2009 22:14

Change the locks and your FB status.

Original poster

THEtigger · 31/10/2009 22:19

Very good...I would change the locks if it wasn't his house!

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missingthepumpkin · 31/10/2009 22:20

if he has any belongings in your house put them in a binliner, add something that will attract foxes (ham, cat food) and leave them by the dustbin. After changing locks and fb status of course.

mrsboogie · 31/10/2009 22:21

"leaving a list of criticisms of me lying around"

you what??

why in fuck are you still with this wanker?

and where is he tonight?

just end it for god's sake.

Original poster

THEtigger · 31/10/2009 22:28

we have two young kids..2 years and 11 months.. The list that he left lying around was partly due to me suggesting we write down how we feel about things to discuss them..this is what I suggested when he woke me up at 12.30 last night to discuss our relationship. He agreed to give the kids breakfast this morning which he hasn't done for a few weeks.so that I could have an hour in bed..he then left the list of Pros and cons about me lying around on the side near the door..Problem is..I have no income. and it is his house

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Original poster

THEtigger · 31/10/2009 22:29

He's staying at a friends tonight

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drlove8 · 31/10/2009 22:38

a female friends,(ex) id bet....this man is a fuckwit .... you can do better.
he's selfish. hes coniving, a sly nasty person who has no thought for you ,the mother of his dc.
you have no income, presumibly because you have gave up work to look after him and the dc ?.
that will be sorted.
you will find a job,and he will have to pay maintenence for the dc.
he's a slimebag.

Original poster

THEtigger · 31/10/2009 22:49

no its a male friend hes staying with...I just don't understand why its so important for him to stay in touch with his ex

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Biobytes · 31/10/2009 22:55

Does he have any children with the ex? Did they ended in good terms?

Original poster

THEtigger · 31/10/2009 23:06

No they have no kids..shes with someone and has a kid. From what I can gather he ended the relationship..when we first met she use to ring him a bit and it caused a few rows..this is why he is being secretive about her contac ting him now.. I know that she has emailed him and called him at work in the past..

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drlove8 · 31/10/2009 23:08

im so angry at you dh and ive never even met him! .
Thetigger i wish i had a magic wand and could make everything ok for you now.
it shouldnt be important for him to stay in touch with his ex, but the thing that angers me is that he's doing it in secret ,behind your back via bloody facebook, with an alternative profile! - if it was all innocent ,then why the attempt to hide it? ....i really want to slap him.
i suggest you too make an alternitive profile and do some digging.also get your hands on as much money as you can , and take copies of important paperwork, so that its easier for you to set up new home without this twat!.(National insurance number and one of his payslips will make it much easier for the csa to get maintenence for you).
Be clever about this, plan what you are going to do and if you are going to leave him , get it all ready before you confront him about his awful behaviour. it will make it so much easier, if you already have somewhere to go /money sorted/ clothes&toys&belongings moved beforehand.

Original poster

THEtigger · 31/10/2009 23:18

Thanks for your support.He reckoned they just wanted to look at pics of each others children..but he knew it would upset me..He said he didn't like being told what to do..when I mentioned it to him I asked him to show me the account if he had nothing to hide and he did..and then he has deactivated it..he said he only logged into it so he could look at what his real profile looks like. I have nowhere to go..i don't fancy ending up on a council housing list and having no control

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Biobytes · 31/10/2009 23:28

TBH I don't think is right he created a new facebook account to see the photos of this woman, but, if she is with another person, has a child with another person, and they ended long ago... well, why the rows?

I think one of the advantages and disadvantages of Facebook is that you find pieces of your past and it is just natural to want an update on what has happened to them which doesn't mean you want anything "romantic" with them.

Original poster

THEtigger · 31/10/2009 23:31

i think im probably a bit sensitive as we've not been getting on...but i still don't like the fact that they had this little secret behind my back..in the past they agreed to store her number on his phone under a different name

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Biobytes · 31/10/2009 23:53

I apologise in advance if I upset you with what am I going to say, but have you thought that there may not be anything there but with your jealousy you are forcing him into this?

I understand that you are annoyed and that should be enough for him not to contact her but... just remember, if you show you are jealous of another woman, you are just making that woman more interesting for your partner (simply because some men can very easily misunderstand a friendly talk about the weather with romantic advances)

Original poster

THEtigger · 01/11/2009 00:00

yeh..i know what your saying..it just came on top of a few weeks of us not getting on in general..he said he did it behind my back because i would be upset..

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GroundhogsRocketScientist · 01/11/2009 19:27

I'm sorry, he knew this would upset you and did it anyway?

She knows you have DC with him and goes along with this? Her phone number on his phone under a different name?

ONE: I would never, ever have a male friendship my DH was even remotely unhappy about. I would expect and get the same from him.

TWO, if he was married/attached/DC etc, and was saying he had to store my number under a different name so as not to upset his DP, I'd back off at a million miles an hour.

Get your documents in order, get some cash and get the hell OUT. He's treating you like a muppet FGS.

ChocHobNob · 01/11/2009 21:24

I have experience of an affair ... two things that happened ; he had stored the OW's number in his phone under a different name and used Facebook to communicate with her secretly. I'm sorry, it could be totally innocent what he is doing, but it is upsetting you and that should be enough for him to stop.

There is absolutely no need for him to keep something from you in case it upsets you. He should grow up and be honest with you and let you sort out any problems rather than keep secrets. I have always said to my H that if he feels like he needs to keep something like that secret from me, then it means what he is doing isn't right.

I would try and talk to your partner about this all. He needs to accept that doing these things behind your back makes him LOOK guilty even if he isn't being.

Another flag to me, would be the fact he is trying to cause arguments between the two of you ... have you asked him if he is happy in the relationship, because he is making you unhappy. Could it be he is trying to make you dislike him so he gets off lightly without having to admit something is going on?

Sorry that's all doom and gloom. I truly hope it isn't what I think. Look after yourself x

xxx

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