So baffled, lonely and upset since DH moved out...

[BEAUTlFUL]

Title says it all! DH moved out a month ago for a "trial separation" (his words). We share the kids, alternating weekends an DH comes here 2x week to do bath/bedtimes.

As there is no real reason he's going except "we're just not right for each other", I think I expected him to come back, so I've been looking good, cheerful, upbeat and optimistic when he's here. No deep conversations, no tears, no friendly chats but all very civil.

Last night when he was here I asked him if he thought we'd done the right thing, and he at first said, "Do you?" then "Yes, as we're just not right for each other."

I pretended to be OK then had to run upstairs and bawl my eyes out, silently!

Now I'm just so fed up. It's all hit me. I'm a failure. No matter what my friends and family tell me, I'm obviously a big fat ugly noting as I can't keep my husband. I look at other married women and think, "Why me? What do I do that is sooo horrible that my DH would prefer to live alone in a 1-bed house, away from his beloved DC, rather than with us?"

The road ahead just seems so long, and bleak, and tiring. I don't know what to do. On the surface I seem OK, except I seem to need to talk to everybody about what's happened, I can't stop. And I just need to know what's going to happen in the future. I even found myself texting in to Psychic Interactive on TV!

I can' look at DH today and I'm finding it vv hard to be at all friendly or warm. I know I could easily slip into being a bitch. But I'm so sad. So horribly, horribly sad.

Please give me a non-MN hug!

Hmm, actually that's a bit strident. OK, if he comes round and asks me how I feel, if there's any chance, that he worries he's made a mistake, etc, then I'd tell him. But not out of the blue, unasked.

sincitylover -- thank you! I loved this bit, it will be my mantra: "Your dh may want to come back but for now try to hold on to your lovely beautiful self."

iliketurquoise: I think you're absolutely right. This "popping round" business has got to stop. Today, DH took 1 of the DC out then dropped them back; both times, I didn't let DH in, just opened the door enough to let the (very small) child through and soke about 4 words. That might be a bit extreme, but I can't seem to find the right balance.

no didn't have anything.
we went to relate once - he didn't want to, he went because i said he owed it to me to try and let me understand why.
it was pretty pointless.
in retrospect i wanted them to tell him he was being an twunt and should come home - which obviously didnt happen.

it hurt, alot, when he told me about new relationship. but not for as long as i expected, as i said it was a turning point.
and - honestly - i hope it lasts, because she and her dd are now part of my dc's lives, and i want stability for them.
i do hope they don't have a child together, that would be really hard, as that was part of our relationship breakdown, and i know i would love another, and i know it isn't going to happen.

i still love him, but i am not in love with him. he was my family, that doesn't just stop.

i now am happy when the dc's go to him, it gives me some time - not that i do alot with it! but i do go out, meal with a friend, theatre etc. although tonight i have done nothing.

it is an awful cliche, but it is true - time is a great healer.

keep using MN if it helps, I did.

I am ok now, but i really really wasn't, for a long time.

Sorry, this has turned into a kind of Misery Blog. I'm not expecting anyone to trawl through all this (although that would be wonderful), I think it just helps to get it all out.

One minute I'm all defiantly feisty, the next I'm upset.

Would it be a really bad idea to start going on dates? I know it's incredibly soon, and far too early to have sex with anyone, but I've had a load of responses to my online-dating advert and a couple sound lovely. I'm thinking it'd be so nice to meet them just for casual coffees. I'm not expecting anything, but I'd just love someone to take me out and buy me a coffee (no muffin though -- fnar) and make me laugh. Is that OK, or is it using them?

Chasing... do you think that you'll meet someone else? You're only 36. And (stalker alert) I just looked at your profile and you're really pretty! Would you want to meet someone new or is your heart not in it?

Chasing Squirrels, you could be me talking. My husband left me after baby no.2 and 17yrs together. He had an affair with a woman who lived in our road and is still with her now. We did two lots of counselling but it didn't work - he just didn't want to be with me any more.

My daughters were 2 and 4 and I simply didn't know how I was going to keep on going from one day to the next. I felt betrayed and a failure and alone. But, like you say, time is a great healer. And, like you, I am OK now, although I wasn't for a long time. In fact I am better than OK, I am great, very very happy with my two beautiful girls, my freedom, and am into the second year of a relationship with a man who has turned out to be the real grown-up adult love of my life and who suits me 100 x better than my ex-husband.

Beautiful, it will get better, I promise you that. The terrible, almost physical, raw pain and loneliness and ugliness of it all will fade and there really is light at the end of the tunnel ? it's just hard to believe it at the moment. Hold on to that thought, believe that it will get better, and look after yourself.

This is really strengthening my conviction not to open up to him; there is nothing I can do. It really sounds like when men decide they want to leave, that's it.

Belle, is it hard to trust a new man after a divorce? And looking back, were there ever any signs that your DH wasn't the right one for you? Was he ever... I don't know, selfish or unromantic or anything?

and when women decide probably, I don't think it is just a man thing.

and how lovely, I don't think I am pretty - just average, but that is a GOOD picture of me .

am 37 now, guess profile doesn't automatically update, although I joined MN years ago so I must have changed it last year.

until quite recently i wasnt the slightest bit interested in someone else, was happy with being able to be in total control of own life.

but then wanted a shag!!!

Hiya.

I'm so sorry that you feel like this but remember that it is HIM not you.

In the past whenever a man left me I blamed myself now I blame them. If he dosn't want to be we with someone as fabulous and wonderful as yourself then HE is missing out not you.

Try to repeat this every day and remember it is true!

Sooner or later you will meet someone who deserves you. Unmumsnetty hugs all round!

If your man leaves you then HE is the failure because HE has failed to stand by you.

In no way should you ladies feel like failures. Men can be weak and we can be strong!

I'm changing my attitude. I'm not going to be upset about this. It's so boring to be upset over one bloody man leaving. There are billions of men in the world!

I'm annoyed that he managed to turn me from someone slightly neurotic but lovely into someone continually on the back foot. With his relentless arrogance.

That's it. Enough. The End.

I'm going to start, from tomorrow, to act as if I'm fine, and thereby trick my brain and body into believing it. A real chin-up, tits-out job. (Not chin-out, tits-up like it has been up till now.) I'm going to become addicted to dignity. Look for the joy in everything, cherish every second with the DC, fill my life with brilliance and get really thin.

Then wait for another bloke to come along and fuck it all up!

ah, but the hormone rush before the fuck-up!
but don't think about it in terms of another man, rebuild your life for you.
xx

Beautiful, I love your attitude.
chin up and tits out!

Love your attitude too Beautiful. Just be ready to turn him away once he sees you like that though, as he will inevitably want to come back then!

oh god, pinkpanettone, don't! I can't even think about that right now. Imagine if he did.

This morning, every time DH mooches into my thoughts, I'm immediately focussing on something else. It's working! And also I'm trying to be (although I hate the phrase) "in the moment". Making today the loveliest-possible day.

I might start a new thread. A positive "Let's Rebuild Our Lives for Maximum Fabulosity" thread for the recently dumped.

morning beautiful (ohh, I like to type that !)

glad to see you have turned a tiny ikkle corner and come to some sort of realisation that you cannot make him want you (as you should be wanted)

the thread "fab and glam" would be good for you to have a look at, methinks

or yes, start your own, it would get a lot of attention too

I think you will waver lots over the next few months, but please watch out that when he sees you getting stronger, he might just want to see if he can still have you

many men do this, they just give it another shot to reassure themselves that you are still there, whenever they want a fuck and/or ego-boost

that would be really, really bad for you, do not allow yourself to be used in that way

anyways, concentrate on yourself now, he has made his choice hasn't he

Hi again beautiful. Yes, I have found it hard to trust again after a divorce. The discovery that my husband was cheating on me turned my world upside down. We had been together since we were 19 and I would have trusted him with my life. On a certain level, the whole experience did leave me hating myself for being so naive and trusting.

Ex-husband was never that romantic but we were very very happy together for many years. He really loved me and I think I took him for granted big time. He is very selfish (and inwardly focussed) but he's also very unlazy so you kind of don't notice it, iyswim.

New man is very different but it has still taken me a long time to trust him. I have deep-rooted anxieties that, like my ex, he will turn round one day and say see you later. Weirdly, am not worried he will cheat on me but I do worry he will fall out of love with me and I will have to go through all that heartbreak and the horrible anguished feelings of not being good enough again.

Hi AF... I don't know much about Fab & Glam but I can't barge in there! They've all known each other for ages and I'd just want to set us all bizarre self-improvement exercises and they'd think I was insane.

I might start my own. Like that beauty thread I did where we all started off feeling hideous but just did 15-minute beauty treatments and felt awesome. Like that, but for broken-heart recovery.

go for it beaut

Hi Beautiful
i havent posted on here for ages but when i saw yur thread i had to reply as i have recently gone through exactly the same things.my h moved out and rented a flat and didnt tell me! he had moved in so i had no say. i have a ds who is 2. it is hell to start i am 4 months down the line. like you h comes 2x per week while i am at work to do bath and bed and all day sunday. it gets easier..slightly and slowly. like your my husabnd wont communicate at all and it is hell, no answers but i have given up initilting conversation as he would get angry. it is v hard. are you managing financially/

Hiya Beautiful
DH lives about 10 min drive away now and could have kids there-think this is what I need to do cos seeing him in 'our' home is just not good! For a split second you almost forget that you are separated then it hits you again!!

I woke up today thinking the same- gonna try and have chin up attitude- kid my mind/body all is well. Focus on the positives in my life-it's his loss!!!