So baffled, lonely and upset since DH moved out...

[BEAUTlFUL]

Title says it all! DH moved out a month ago for a "trial separation" (his words). We share the kids, alternating weekends an DH comes here 2x week to do bath/bedtimes.

As there is no real reason he's going except "we're just not right for each other", I think I expected him to come back, so I've been looking good, cheerful, upbeat and optimistic when he's here. No deep conversations, no tears, no friendly chats but all very civil.

Last night when he was here I asked him if he thought we'd done the right thing, and he at first said, "Do you?" then "Yes, as we're just not right for each other."

I pretended to be OK then had to run upstairs and bawl my eyes out, silently!

Now I'm just so fed up. It's all hit me. I'm a failure. No matter what my friends and family tell me, I'm obviously a big fat ugly noting as I can't keep my husband. I look at other married women and think, "Why me? What do I do that is sooo horrible that my DH would prefer to live alone in a 1-bed house, away from his beloved DC, rather than with us?"

The road ahead just seems so long, and bleak, and tiring. I don't know what to do. On the surface I seem OK, except I seem to need to talk to everybody about what's happened, I can't stop. And I just need to know what's going to happen in the future. I even found myself texting in to Psychic Interactive on TV!

I can' look at DH today and I'm finding it vv hard to be at all friendly or warm. I know I could easily slip into being a bitch. But I'm so sad. So horribly, horribly sad.

Please give me a non-MN hug!

Maybe he's just fallen out of love with you. This happens frequently when just in a boyfriend girlfriend relationship and people just accept it, where as when in a marriage 1 partner just stops loving the other and doesn't feel any emotional bond any more people think there must be more too it? Why?
Once you've stopped loving someone it's impossible to try and manufacture the feeling. I've tried. It was the reason my first marriage failed. He was still a lovely bloke, I just didn't fancy him any more and didn't want to live with him any more, although I still liked him.

Dittany -- thank you very much. That's good to hear at the moment! The best thing about this is that now I feel I can "take off". Without a male ego to worry about, there's no reason I can't be vv successful. I want to write books in my long, lonely evenings. I might as well put them to use.

I did buy that book but haven't read it. I'll start that tonight. Thanks!

2rebecca, I think that sounds feasible. A couple of things he's said make me feel that that's probably the case. During one of the talks before he left, he said, "I used to fancy the arse off you..." but quite sadly, like he couldn't believe how little he didn't fancy me now.

Bugger. Bugger, bugger. But there's nothing I can do. Bugger.

Have to say, I am in the camp of strongly suspecting that there is an OW. Maybe he does have another phone or has deleted the evidence (would texts he gets as part of a package show as individual numbers on the bill?). It just seems likely given the manner of his departure. I don't know if that makes it better or worse, but I do think this is less about you than you think, and more about him and his crisis of whatever kind

I would have to take him up on asking more about why. You could script it and practise to lessen the chance of you losing control while you say it. I think my line would be to say something had been bugging you and that you didn't know what he'd meant by 'regaining his self respect', and that as his wife and the mother of his daughter, you think you are owed a proper explanation of what was in his head when he left. And that a real man would deal with this (if he resists)and not take the cowardly way out, certainly not if they wanted to remain on good terms with their estranged wife.

So sorry you feel so down. Come on here to try and ease the loneliness, at least. Things will get better, whatever happens.

Really? I'm willing to believe you. I'm not blindly in denial. There must be something drawing him away from here...

In a way, I hope I never find out. All I can do is assume that he is and rebuild my life accordingly.

I think that speculation about whether he is having an affair or not isn't going to help that much.Although I can understand that's all that's going around and around in your head.

Try and concentrate on what you know, which is that things haven't been right for a while. That while you have always really fancied him, he has always been rather withdrawn, not given you his all. Things weren't perfect. try to remember.

And read Dittany's book, sit down and write your book, take your time to regroup, to try and enjoy having the time to yourself, to please yourself, without as you put it "a male ego to worry about".

I understand that you don't want him to see how upset you are, so try your level best to do things which are nice, even if you're feeling sad. Then when he asks what you've been doing you can honestly say "catching up on my reading" "sketching out a plot for my book". And because it will be true, it might make you feel better, and will show him you're not in pieces. Even if you are IYSWIM.

when my ex left I really didn't think there was someone else - and I really wanted there to be (because there being someone else was infinately preferable to him leaving simply because living together wasn't bearable anymore).

he said there wasn't, repeatedly.

9 months later he told me he was with someone and was going to introduce the kids (hence telling me). I assume they had been seeing each other for a while before he told me and that he didn't just introduce the kids straight away, although I don't know this.
She is someone that he has known for a long time. He says it didn't start before he left. I don't know. I suspect there probably wasn't a physical relationship, I aso suspect there probably was an emotional one.

And now (a year and a half later) it doesn't matter whether she was in the picture before or not. He didn't want to be with me (for whatever reason) hence it was over.

But at the time it did matter (why - not specifically whether there was someone else, and there being someone else was the only reason that would have made sense) and I really really struggled with not understanding how it could just be over.

It is a long road, but it can be better.

How do you feel now, ChasingSquirrels? I guess I'm worried that I'll just come out of all this as a nervous, bitter, distrustful mess.

I hate how invested I still am. When he picks up the DC, I'm still watching his eyes, thinking, "HE looked at me for 10 seconds then, yesterday it was only 7. Is that meaningful?" when, at the end of the day, it's all BOLLOCKS because if he loved me he never would have left.

Also, today I'm thinking those awful, "Maybe he just doesn't know how much I love him," thoughts. "So if I tell him my feelings/write him a song/tattoo his name on my forehead with a compass, he'll realise, and come home!"

Remind me that we don't do this when our DHs merrily fuck off, please.

ImSoNotTelling, thank you -- your lovely message really helped. I am reminding myself of the bad bits... It'll be easier next week when he has the DC at his place and I don't have to see him. I just find him so attractive, it's insane.

Today I saw a couple holding hands on the street and burst into tears! ARGH!! This is all so cliched!!

I have to keep pretending that he has an OW because otherwise, I feel there's still hope. And it's the hope that's killing me.

I would also like him to see that i am very much over him and moving on with my fabulous life. (But deep down, only because I think that might bring him back.)

This will get easier, won't it I won't be 90 years old and still gagging for him, will I?

He could easily have met someone else in his job. He works for lots of different people. God -- I hope she is horrifically ugly, terrible in bed with very bad teeth. I also hope she shits on him (metaphorically) from a very large height, preferably publically, during his proposal.

Failing that, I hoe she is nice, kind, and will be lovely to my DC if/when they're all together.

Look at me! I've gone bonkers, rambling.

The signs were all there at the start. He was lazy towards me, and mean (with money), and wasn't that enthusiastic at the thought of marrying me and only did it because I tried to dump him. It has often been like pushing a heavy rock uphill ever since.

Oh well! Life lessons are certainly being learned here!

Beautiful, I have no further words of advice for you

But I will join with others who have noticed you about the place, think you sound funny and lovely, and want to send you some support and sympathy xx

I would like to second everything that ScaryFucker has said. We have never 'spoken' before but I always enjoy reading your posts. You have tried so hard to make your husband happy and save your marriage, that has been clear for all to see. Right now though I think it's time for Beautiful to concentrate on Beautiful! Focus on yourself and be happy and wear a smile for you not for him. You deserve a man who will treat you with the love and respect you so deserve and one day, when you are with such a man you will agree with your mum that your H did you a big favour!
And until such time that that lovely man comes along, we are here for you so keep rambling posting xx

Hi Beautiful, I'm new to this site but had to post as yr situation is so like mine! My H left me and my 2 young kids 3 wks ago for a trial sep after saying he's not happy- he doesn't know why and that he does not know what his feelings r 4 me anymore,the old loves me but not in love with me! He needs space to sort his head??!!! No thought for what he's doing to me and the kids.
He visits 3x a week to c the kids and it is so hard to be upbeat/happy etc when feel like crying screamin to get him to come home. Don't want to show my anger/hurt/sadness and give him the satisfaction when he seems ok nor the justification for not coming back as you can't help hoping that he will 'come to his senses'soon! It's so hard, i've never felt pain like this- i still love him loads and feel we can sort things out- he's just not willing at the mo. Good luck!

Thank you SO much ScaryFucker and TimeForMe. This crisis has certainly boosted my online ego.

happydays27... I'm so, so sorry. Don't you go anywhere - we can help each other through this. Where is your DH living? And can you ask him to see the DC at his place instead of ours, is that feasible?

It's the regular contact that's the problem, I think. It's not a clean break, it's a ragged tear.

It's very interesting hearing what people really thought of DH. There was I, worshipping him like the Second Coming, and meanwhile everyone else (without exception) was thinking he was arrogant, slightly odd, scruffy, unattractve and dull.

now, mostly, I am fine, good.

There are moments (like when we have to broach xmas) but those moment are now about having to share the boys, not about losing him.

I still find it very sad, it was a 16+ yr relationship, he was my family, etc, and now that is gone.

It took some getting here though! The first 12 months we fairly dire. TBH I think the turning point was when he told me about his new relationship, although whether it was because of that, or the passage of time, who knows.

Oh, and all the things you said you shouldn't do - I did them. But you can't make someone else love you.

Be easy on yourself, take it one day at a time. And one day - it won't be the only thing you think about, then it won't be the main thing, and then - it is just the past.

Beautiful - sorry to lurk on you- you really sound like a lovely brave strong person who doesn't deserve your dh's shitty behaviour. An alternative viewpoint here...

Question - you say you don't want him to see you looking weak or to show how this is affecting you. Why? (you aren't doing anything wrong)

In the end - whatever happens- would it not be better for your own peace of mind to tell him at least once clearly and with your head held high how you feel. I'd say just once tell him you love him, tell him you miss him, tell him you fancy him. Don't beg. Don't snivel. But if you tell him then you can never look back and say 'I wonder what would have happened if...' and he can never say 'but you never told me...'

Beautiful, I have seen you on here for a long time and have always loved your posts - your personality shines through.

I have been split from my exh for over three years and though in difft circumstances still painful.

my exh moved to a serious relationship within a few months of our split and now has dts with new p.

But as you say do you really want a male ego around the house. I don't think I really do. Have lots of fun with men though I love their company.

Funnily enough I saw a couple at my local shopping centre today looking very close not young but still couply and very domesticated and I thought do I really want that. And thought noo.

Then later I saw an acquantaince of mine walking along arm in arm with her dh. Kissed him.

BUT I know that couple have big probs, he can be abusive, allegedly violent and she has suspected him of an affair.

Not to say you can't have happy marriage and I would not rule out living with someone in the future. Maybe this won't help but you will need to try to build your life back again hard though it may seem. Your dh may want to come back but for now try to hold on to your lovely beautiful self.

not so painful now though.

sorry for your situation beautiful.
i think he is coming to your house to see dc is making the situation harder.
cant you find another way?
you need a clean break. it will be harder for you that way.
good luck

Starting this thread was the best idea I've had in ages. You are all being so brilliantly brilliant! I want you to know that it's such a support.

ChasingSuirrels -- I'm very glad to hear that you're fine now. Did you have counselling, or anti-depressants or anything? (Sorry for nosiness.) And does it kill you when you know she is with your DC? How do you ever cope with that?

Sixteen years is such a lot to lose. But I can understand that things changed when you heard about his "new" partner. It's very final, isn't it? Which would be horrible, but helpful.

Thanks so much for posting.

Slambang... I just don't know... To me, if he needed to know that I adored him he would still be here but telling me he needed to know I adored him. Not off in a house down the road, losing everything. So I can only assume that he doesn't really give a toss.

The word that my friends and family keep using about him is "arrogant". I really think he is. So he probably assumes I'm balancing on a rickety stool with a noose round my neck because he's left; it'd be his default position.

Plus, what if he had an OW? And I told him I missed him then he went off and shagged her. Ugh.

No. I need to face facts. Men who adore their wives wouldn't dare leave them, they'd assume she'd be snapped up within minutes by someone new. He has left, ergo he doesn't care.

Fuck him.