telling the kids

[lizzy6]

DH left a few days ago having completely lost interest in our relationship but claiming that his long distance affair is not relevant and that kids should not be told

It just doesn't make any sense to me. And now she's come for a visit and he still seems to want to keep it quiet.

Is it me? How can an on-going affair not have affected our marriage and how can he justify still trying to keep it quiet - the 3 DC's are teenagers not babes in arms.

Tell them

"your father has something to tell you".

NO way should he try and either dump it on you, or expect you to collude with protecting his reputation and image in their eyes.

Yes the DC's are old enought to be told the truth. They would not thsnk you for lying to them and why should you.

But do as MaggieB suggets leave it to him to tell them. That way you don't come across as bitter.

Good luck

Yes, they are old enough to be told the truth. If his behaviour makes him ashamed of himself he shouldn't be doing it.

They need to know it's nothing they did. Tell them dad has made a choice to be with another woman and that means he can't live with the family any more. If you leave it to him, I would fear he'd say something to the DCs that was untrue, like mum didn't want me any more so I left. (Because he seems like a spineless man who doesn't seem to want to acknowledge his responsibility for the mess he has made).

I'm a teen, and i would 100% want to be told.I dont know how old your teens are, but i think that they aught to know. Even if he feels the affair isnt relevent to the split, its still relevent surely? relevent to their lives? i dont know. they need to know tho...

thanks all makes good sense to me

gonna give him a last chance to explain to them

definitely agree that it should come from him. However he dresses it up the truth will out I think now, at last!

Lizzie - In my experience a lot of people try to persuade people (and themselves to some extent) that an affair isn't the reason a marriage broke down - but also in my experience, what ever the reasons for the affair in the first place, it was hardly going to mend the marriage, was it? And an affair certainly exacerbates any pre-existing problems - and I think it's delusional of people to think that it won't.

If he really cannot take responsibility for this, given the ages of your children, I think the very least you can say is that you know their Dad's view is that his extra-marital relationship had nothing to do with the breakdown of your marriage, but they need to know that this is NOT your view and that you think it is a major contributory factor.

Even pre-teens will work out for themselves that your husband's position is pretty ludicrous and teens will know it instantly. What is important to them however is that they don't feel he's chosen OW over them and it is in their best interests if they maintain a relationship with him.

It really angers me when people like your H won't take responsibility for their selfishness and their actions - and it will be you trying to pick up the pieces of your kids' reactions afterwards. I imagine it will be hard to be the grown-up here, but rest assured the children will reach their own conclusions. And not many people really fall for this hackneyed line that your DH is giving either.

Best of luck and sorry for what you are going through.