The tale of a second child and a relationship emergency

[Gizmo]

I wasn?t sure whether to post this in relationships or conception, so here it is. Apologies for the length:

DS is now 3.5 years old and such a joy. After he was born I was adamant that I was not having any more children and had a Mirena coil fitted, but over the past 18 months I have changed my mind. Sadly for me, DH has not. He feels that another child would stretch our lives very thin, that we would have trouble in giving him/her the time and resources they should have and DS has had. He is dead set against it, for very sensible reasons, and I know that, even if I somehow forced him to go along with me (by emotional blackmail, for example) he would always have such severe reservations that it could have a terrible impact on our relationship and his relationship with any child.

Worse still, a large portion of me actually agrees with him. I had PND after DS?s arrival and have no wish to relive that, plus I?m not really a baby person and so don?t really look forward to a dose of maternity leave with any great joy. The financial stress would be inconvenient, although not disastrous, and I know that the quality of life we have worked out with DS would take a big hit, for a short period, if not permanently. DS might hate his sibling.

But, but?..I make birth plans in my head. I see programmes with babies in them and cry hopelessly. I wonder whether another baby would be a boy or girl, blonde or brown, my eyes or (God forbid!) DH?s nose . I plan outings for two children.

So I?m torn in half. If I side with DH and my sensible inner half, then I?ll always wonder what I?ve missed and I think, barmy as it sounds, I?m going to have to deal with some grief. DH is worried I?m going to end up resenting him and it will drive us apart (to which part of me responds: ?duh, no sh*t Sherlock!? so he may well be right). If I force things through, and have a baby with an unenthusiastic DH, then, well I don?t need to join up the dots for you, do I? Every time the baby wakes us up, it?s my fault. Every time DS is upset because we can?t do something because of the baby, it?s my fault. Every time I am exhausted and unhappy with two small children and a full time job, it?s my fault and I really can?t be looking for much sympathy from DH.

Either way, this has the capacity to do some real damage to our relationship. I?m loosing control emotionally here, and hoping mumsnetters might have some coping mechanisms for me.

How do you deal with the grief if you can?t have another child? Do you think I might be able to find some other way to subdue my babylust? How do you move a relationship forward when you have a fundamental disagreement about something so serious as whether to have another child?

My thinking is going around in circles so anything new is going to be helpful. Please help?

Aloha and Gizmo, thanks for the supportive messages - haven't had a chance to get back on MN until this evening. I've got a lump in my throat from reading your last posts... It's not something I want to tackle with dh right now this second but it is burning away under the surface IYSWIM; we keep having supposedly jokey conversations about it which aren't funny, actually.

Gizmo, how are things with your dh now? My dh and I have been to Relate in the past when we had major money troubles (which he hid from me) and it did help. But it does make me question the quality of our relationship that I'm potentially going down this route again... sounds awful and actually dh is really lovely in all sorts of ways but boy, sometimes he really is trouble.

Hi Edam

Poor old you. It's massively stressful, isn't it, when someone you care about turns into a grumpy depressive monster . When it happens to my dh I do try to distance myself a little, although I keep checking from time to time if he wants to talk about things, just to keep me informed, as much as anything.

Usually the bubble bursts when he goes one step too far, he knows it (or I let him know it) and he starts to tell me how he feels almost to make it up to me. What is helpful about working with Relate is that we don't have to get to the stage where we are angry and tense with each other.

It's helped us treat the disagreement as a big challenge to our relationship, sure, but one we can work on together, rather than hitting each other over the head with big sticks (we'll save that for when we try to decorate the front room together ). And, in answer to your question, at the moment our relationship feels really, really good. DH told me something deeply private last night that he has never, never told me before in our 13 years together. It's not something he's ever told anyone else, either, and I feel it says something really positive about what has happened in the past two months that he trusts me enough to come out with it now.

So, yes I think Relate can help. Having said that I think works best if you think about what objectives you have for your relationship before you go into counselling. If you're feeling that your DH is 'trouble' it may be because he has chewed up a lot of your emotional energy without giving you much back. Can you point at the ways in which he does that?

Oh Gosh Gizmo, where would I start?! Sorry, flippant answer but this thread was originally yours and I feel like I'm turning it into Edam navel gazing... but your thoughts are really helpful, will go away and ponder. Thanks so much - and very glad to hear you and dh are getting somewhere. Sounds really encouraging!

Yeah, you're right, it's my thread and I'm going to snarl and spit at anyone who dares to actually post on it, except ME!!!

C'mon Edam, sounds like we're in roughly the same boat - and I bet we're not unique. We should stick together on this one...

Gizmo, I think it is great that you and your husband are talking about this. Communication is the key, IMO.
I have to differ with alot of the posters on here and say that IME, 2 children are much harder work than one - particularly in the early months.
Two children was the death nell on my marriage as DH couldn't cope with the demands it placed on him (being very selfish & immature) and he couldn't cope with the fact that I had so little time for him (being very selfish & immature).
I am so glad that you are not going to rush things and let him decide that a second child is something he really wants.

Wow Bugsy, your ex was a waste of space, wasn't he?

Cheers Gizmo, take your point. Have been encouraged by the 'positive things about only children' thread that if I don't get my way it won't be the end of the world - have you seen it?

I guess I was just feeling a bit overwhelmed by all the emotions this thread brought up. Had a very strong response to it. Really brought me up short ? made me realise that I wasn't addressing something very important to me but letting it bubble under. Not sure where I go from here - think I need to take stock before taking any action, IYSWIM.

I don't need another child right now this second, I just want to know that we will start trying at some point in the next year or so. You've given me some ideas about how we might get there. But it doesn't feel right to tackle dh head on now - am going to have to think strategically about this one (use my management strategies on him...). Right now he's gone back to the GP to get some more Prozac and has the contact details for a CBT therapist. We'll have to pay to see her as NHS waiting lists so long. Difficult as I've just gone freelance but think is worth doing. I'm a bit scare that he'll have CBT and it will confirm that he really doesn't want another child (although that's not the issue he's having CBT about, but it may come up...).

lol, Edam. Suppose he was in lots of ways. Tragedy is that now they are older and more fun, he really misses the children. They spend every 2nd weekend with him and he seems to do the 2 day stint very successfully - packs it full of outings etc. Just can't cope with them full-time.
Good luck with your own situation. Sounds like you have a fair bit on your plate at the moment.

Gizmo & Edam - I do hope that you come to a solution that works for both you & your DHs.

My hormones have now settled down and I have swung the other way for the minute (until next month). I think I am in love with the idea of being pregnant and giving birth again, not necessarily with having another child. I think the huge hormonal pull every month completely overrides any rational thought in my body, as now I am back to 'normal' I can see all the benefits of staying exactly as we are at present. I feel sad that I may never again experience bringing a new life into the world, but I don't think that ever stops really, no matter how many you have. DD is now 3yo and still dosn't sleep through every night, and boy do the broken nights still get to me. The thought of going back to the first 18months of REALLY broken sleep - well, I just don't think I could do it again.

I also don't think I have the patience and tolerance to cope with a baby and a pre-schooler. I am really having to work hard on that one, plus I have developed the most incredible PMT out of nowhere in the last 6 months - where does that come from??? Never had it before. All of which make rational discussions with DH tricky to say the least. So, ho hum, ramble, ramble, I guess I am just trying to say good luck with your decisions. I really hope you all make the best ones for you and your families. I myself may not find out if I have made the right choice until it is too late to do anything about it! But I shall just have to live with that.