The tale of a second child and a relationship emergency

[Gizmo]

I wasn?t sure whether to post this in relationships or conception, so here it is. Apologies for the length:

DS is now 3.5 years old and such a joy. After he was born I was adamant that I was not having any more children and had a Mirena coil fitted, but over the past 18 months I have changed my mind. Sadly for me, DH has not. He feels that another child would stretch our lives very thin, that we would have trouble in giving him/her the time and resources they should have and DS has had. He is dead set against it, for very sensible reasons, and I know that, even if I somehow forced him to go along with me (by emotional blackmail, for example) he would always have such severe reservations that it could have a terrible impact on our relationship and his relationship with any child.

Worse still, a large portion of me actually agrees with him. I had PND after DS?s arrival and have no wish to relive that, plus I?m not really a baby person and so don?t really look forward to a dose of maternity leave with any great joy. The financial stress would be inconvenient, although not disastrous, and I know that the quality of life we have worked out with DS would take a big hit, for a short period, if not permanently. DS might hate his sibling.

But, but?..I make birth plans in my head. I see programmes with babies in them and cry hopelessly. I wonder whether another baby would be a boy or girl, blonde or brown, my eyes or (God forbid!) DH?s nose . I plan outings for two children.

So I?m torn in half. If I side with DH and my sensible inner half, then I?ll always wonder what I?ve missed and I think, barmy as it sounds, I?m going to have to deal with some grief. DH is worried I?m going to end up resenting him and it will drive us apart (to which part of me responds: ?duh, no sh*t Sherlock!? so he may well be right). If I force things through, and have a baby with an unenthusiastic DH, then, well I don?t need to join up the dots for you, do I? Every time the baby wakes us up, it?s my fault. Every time DS is upset because we can?t do something because of the baby, it?s my fault. Every time I am exhausted and unhappy with two small children and a full time job, it?s my fault and I really can?t be looking for much sympathy from DH.

Either way, this has the capacity to do some real damage to our relationship. I?m loosing control emotionally here, and hoping mumsnetters might have some coping mechanisms for me.

How do you deal with the grief if you can?t have another child? Do you think I might be able to find some other way to subdue my babylust? How do you move a relationship forward when you have a fundamental disagreement about something so serious as whether to have another child?

My thinking is going around in circles so anything new is going to be helpful. Please help?

Can't speak for Gizmo but the thought had crossed my mind, but DH would always suspect foul play - particularly as I also have a Mirena coil.......

Enid: you're norty

I know, I'll get pregnant, sue (successfully) the manufacturers of Mirena and voila: second child, all the financial resources a girl could want, and a husband convinced of my innocence!

Someone on here got pg with a mirena

just something to think about...

REALLY!!!!

WHO!!!

Gizmo - how old are you & you're DH if you don't mind me asking??? Do you think he may change his mind in time??

Very tempting....no. NO. Must..not...remove...contraception....

Seriously, I'm going to have a conversation with DH (maybe not tonight, I hate doing serious relationship conversations two nights in a row - it's exhausting) and see if we can agree about finding a counsellor. Particularly like the 'it will help me understand my issues better' approach.

I'll let you all know what happens, when it happens.

We're both 35, so not in the 'red zone' yet. However, (and here's another test for the Mumsnet 'reasonableness-o-meter') I really don't want a huge age gap between DS and any siblings. 4 years is already leaving me feeling a bit iffy.

... I wasn't going to mention that you've stolen my body and now you're trying to steal my life! !.....

But I suppose the positive that you can take out of my situation is that dh did finally give the go ahead. the only problem is, it might have been too late....

Adn I do worry about what would happend if if we were usccessful and the baby were not the "perfect" one that ds has been. Espcially as I am am an older mum.

I'm not so worried about dh not having enough love to stretch around - I've learnt that your heart just grows bigger to accommodate a larger family.

Dh was slightly pressurised into having ds (who loves to bits) - he wasn''t "ready" and didn't seem to acknowldge my biolgical clock ticking away. A bit ironic, given that his later argument was that he was going to be too old for another one .

I owuld agree with "two are company" - even when there is a gap. Ds's cousin, who is 7 years older than him, is great with him. It's much easier when there are two around. Yes, it'll be harder work initially - but even with a single child you are in "it" (parenthood) for the long haul. And just think, when your ds is going though a poisonous stage as Kevin the Teenager, it might actually help to have another child around to keep things in persepctive (and the same again later, once your ds has exited that stage and the second kid goes in to it)

I hope you do manage to resolve things with your dh. I'm sure you will.

BTW I was talking to a (pregnant) colleague who told me that she thinks that the the 5 year age gap between her and her sister is perfect. (In fact, I think the sister uese Mumsnet, as she recommended it to my colleague).

And my borther and I (1 and half years apart) used to fight like cats and dogs.

There is an arument that the slightly larger age gap means that there are fewer issues with jealousy.

But balance that against the "your child was just starting to get reasonably independent and here you are back dealing with nappies" issue.

gizmo... why don't you show him this thread? your initial post was very eloquent and it would allow you to have a conversation with the starting point being that he knows the strength of your feelings...

susanmt had the mirena baby

where is she by the way??

I agree with you that I don't want it to be much more than four years age difference and it does feel to be now or never. My heart and hormones are urging me on (can't figure out why though as I didn't enjoy it first time around - perhaps I want to prove I can do it better this time??) My head is saying no for all the practical (and selfish) reasons of finances, getting some sleep, our new and modest social life....

I think you have to try counselling otherwise your relationship will suffer. And I don' t think it is essential for your dh to be as keen as you are on child number two - my dh only agreed to us having dd because I wanted it so much. He already had ds plus his daughter from a previous relationship and was concerned about his age blah blah...but he could not be a more passionate and doting father to our children. Children are very different from the idea of children. You just need him to say 'OK', not 'please, please bear my children'
It's not illogical or strange to want another child btw - it's normal!

Pedant alert!
'dh only agreed to our having'
is what I meant to say -

Oooohhh, Bootsmonkey, I think you might have hit on something there. I'm sure part of it is wanting another go, to do it 'properly'.

I want to know what it's like to have a small baby that leaves you full of joy, not sobbing and stupid with misery. I'd like to know (in my wildest fantasy) what a natural fulfilling birth and successful breastfeeding feels like.

However, I don't think these are good reasons on their own to have another child. Maybe, taken as part of the argument, they should stand for something, though. (I need a thoughtful emoticon, here)

Aloha - you mean I can't get him to beg

For me, part of it wanting to properly savour the time when they are small - knowing that this time is really is the last time. Everyone tells you how fast they grow up, but you only properly pappreciate it after the event.

I also never wanted ds to be an only child. I had a friend at uni whose mum got cancer and died very quickly and I remenber the strain it put on her being the only one there for her dad.

Susanmt is somewhere on South America with her dh and family. They're taking a year out - just goes to show it can be done even if you have a young family!

Blimey Gizmo - are you my twin??? The birth was FAB, but it all fell apart after that - I never understood what people were on about when talking about tiny babies, when all they did for me was leaving me in fear and panic. And I so wanted to breastfeed and was crushed when I couldn't and felt such a failure and fraud. I wished the first year away, and feel very sad about that.

With hindsight would I do it differently?? Yes, definately. Would I enjoy it?? I don't know, but at least I would know what I was letting myself in for. Am I mad?? Possibly...

Bootsmonkey - hands off, Gizmo has already stolen my body! (... that was established on the Runners thread)

Ah yes BM, the path from failed breastfeeding to PND is quite well trodden, isn't it?

The birth wasn't too bad, actually. What really did it for me was bouncing back into hospital when DS was a week old because, contrary to what everyone had told me, it is possible for a baby to refuse the breast so consistently that they become dangerously ill

Even though there is no guarantee that anything will be different another time around, at least I now have the hard won knowledge of what a dangerously dehydrated baby looks and acts like. Which might be useful...

Strictly speaking Prettybird, I think that now means two of us have stolen your body (are you worried yet?????)

Hadn't though of it like that!

Ds also had problems bf - but only got slightly dehydrated and the hospital bf support group that I was going to had him checked out by the paeditrician (and referred him to the consultant) and had him on "supplements" of EBM when he was ony 2 weeks old. (they leant me an electric expressing machine)

Sorry, Gizmo if you've already said but I've only had time to skim read this. Is your dh an only child? if not, does he get on with his siblings?

I suspect that his feelings either stem from his childhood, or from fear that you might suffer again. Either way, talking about it might help him, and I agree that you have to have counselling before one of you starts to resent the other.