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Original poster

How do you know if he's the One?

22 replies

sparkybint · 22/10/2009 13:11

I've only known my new man a month but every day the feeling is getting stronger that I've met the man I was meant to always be with. He's 50 and I'm 52. All my relationships prior to this have been hard work bordering torture. But EVERYTHING feels right this time, the connection is incredible and the best thing is I don't feel like a headless chicken (which I normally do when I first fall in love/lust).

He says it's the first time his head and his heart are feeling the same thing and this morning he sent me a text saying "I so want to be there for you" after I'd told him I was off sick. To me that's worth all the I love yous in the world. My question is, do you just KNOW? Can you trust your gut instinct at this stage? We can't rush into anything because of our kids and I think that's a good thing.

OP posts:
heavenstobetsy · 22/10/2009 13:18

I think you can 'know' - but if you'd asked me that before I met DP I'd have laughed at you and told you to get a grip!!

It did feel different with DP from the moment I met him and I 'knew' within a couple of weeks he was the 'one'- I guess 6 years and 1.5 kids later I seem to be right so far ...

... but, I still didn't rush things at the start. Its easy to be right with hindsight.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 22/10/2009 16:01

I trusted my instincts and it has worked out so far! I knew very soon after spending time with DH again (had had a fling with him 4 years prior) that I was sure about him.

however our relationship is not without its issues and if we had gone slower we might have had time to work on them before jumping in feet first (he immigrated to be with me) and maybe even drifted apart if it wasn't right. Who knows. I do absolutely love him but wish we had had the chance to go more slowly, so if you have that chance, take it! It can't hurt, and it keeps the lovely stage going much longer!

Original poster
sparkybint · 22/10/2009 18:48

Yes, instinct is one thing but not rushing is another. So I'm glad we're not in a position to do that for a while. This is all very strange for me, and am trying not to let my past negative experiences influence how I feel.

OP posts:
ninah · 22/10/2009 19:33

I'd enjoy it sparky and not analyse it too much. How lovely!

diddl · 22/10/2009 20:20

Gosh!

You just do.

You look forward to seeing them,get on well, and the sex is great?

Booooooooooyhoo · 23/10/2009 00:48

i knew OH was the one straight away. doesnt mean the relationship wont have problems though!! we separated for 3 years and were on different continents but still came back to each other, we had some growing up to do individually before we could be together.

trust your instinct, but do take care.

heverhoney1 · 23/10/2009 00:58

We were both dancing and singing to cheesy music like nutters and I realised that with him I could just be ME. No front was required for the first time in my life. From that moment I knew!

Original poster
sparkybint · 23/10/2009 10:23

And how quickly did things move for all of you? When did it go from dating to something more serious?

OP posts:
heavenstobetsy · 23/10/2009 10:54

I guess it didn't move that quickly for me - within a couple of weeks of meeting we were staying over a couple of nights each week and spending every weekend together. We met in June, DP moved in with me just under two years later and we bought our own house in the December.

Like the other say, our relationship was not without problems - primarily me being a bit nuts and letting the ghosts of horrible boyfriends past cloud things. It is hard to let go of past negativity and trust that this one is the one and will be OK and in hindsight waiting a while to live together was a good thing (although I disagreed at the time)

Just try to relax and enjoy what you have - don't over analyse or push for things to move faster than they need to. Easier said than done I know

Booooooooooyhoo · 23/10/2009 12:35

we dated for about a month before we took the step of making it serious. although it was a natural progression, we both only had eyes for each other so it just happened.

however, its irrelevant to you how quickly it happened for us as your relationship is YOUR relationship, and will folow its own natural course. go with what feels right for you.

Original poster
sparkybint · 23/10/2009 15:34

Thank you betsy - ghosts of horrible boyfriends past is what I'm having to grapple with too! How soon was he aware that you had ishoos? I don't want to say anything about mine but I have a feeling it's all going to come out one day when he does something to make me feel anxious (like not text).

BH - what did making it serious involve?

OP posts:
totallyawesome · 23/10/2009 16:18

I just wanted to put in here that I'm following this with interest. I've been out of the "getting a relationship going" game for a couple of decades. The last one I started (my marriage) ended in tears so I have the Ghost of Husband Past creating my ishoos!

Booooooooooyhoo · 23/10/2009 16:48

well, for the first month we 'dated' but we werent in a relationship, however neither of us were dating anyone else at the time. after about a month, OH told me that he had really strong feelings for me and i told him the same, we knew then that this was going to be an important relationship. it didnt become physical for about 3 months but even without that we were extremely close and talked very openly about plans for the future and suchlike. it was clear to both of us that we would be lifelong partners.

iliketurquoise · 23/10/2009 17:24

happy for you sparkybint.
its good you have such a good connection with him.
but try to know him more. try to learn about his background, his friends, family, etc.

Original poster
sparkybint · 23/10/2009 18:28

Well, he's told me he has lots of feelings but thinks it's too soon to tell me...although he say I'd blown his mind after the first date! But I agree turquoise, need to learn about him and feel comfortable.

OP posts:
said · 23/10/2009 18:40

I think you can certainly know within a month Doesn't mean it will always last though.

lilyjen · 23/10/2009 18:50

Read the book 'he's just not that into you' and treat it like a man bible-then you will know for sure..it's a brilliant book and will ensure you never fall in love with the wrong guy

boolifooli · 23/10/2009 18:52

My Nan says if he's kind to his Mum, animals and kids he's a keeper.

boolifooli · 23/10/2009 18:53

that should probably be Mum, kids THEN animals!

SolidGhoulBrass · 23/10/2009 18:56

Enjoy it and don't stress. There is no need whatsoever to rush, after all.

(and, not to piss on your chips, but enjoying the relationship at a slow pace does mean you get enough time to make sure that your new friend is not a basket case, as sometimes people who are Madly IN Love within minutes are actually not a good catch at all. If you want a quick but fairly accurate indicator, how does he talk about past partners? If it's a mix of detached fondness and the occasional rueful 'Well she was a mistake' you're fine. If they were all evil bitches or madwomen according to him, walk away now as he's a nut and probably very abusive).

Original poster
sparkybint · 24/10/2009 10:25

Solid, I agree, my last BF was a total fruitcake, declared undying love within a month which is why I'm wary this time. This one was married at 26 and had 3 kids and has only ever been with his wife and never strayed. He talks well of everyone, seems very kind and because he's been through a huge tragedy himself (paralysed from the chest down after a car accident 10 years ago) has this wonderful calm strength about him and a light shining from within.

OP posts:
lollopops · 24/10/2009 19:31

'My Nan says if he's kind to his Mum, animals and kids he's a keeper'

Well said Boolifooli - that is so true

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