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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Really private, personal and embarassing, Not sure what to do or if this should come under health

22 replies

Querelous · 19/10/2009 22:39

My h said something so foul to me this evening and I am shocked. He told me (during an argument) and referring to my private parts that I "stink like a dead pig".

I will admit to being really worried about my post-childbirth 3 years ago slight bladder weakness and was bothered and embarrassed by the way I smell. I have spoken to him about this in the past and tried to get his support / treatment.

We are talking about but cant afford counselling (and which I dont believe will help as he lied to the counsellor during a trial session) the subject ofdivorce keeps coming up.

But he is also accusing me of being an unfit mother because of a severe anxiety episode which I had due to some hardcore meds I was on for a long term degenerative medical condition, and threatening to take our dd. (He is from a different continent) and it is really worrying me. He talks to me like shit in front of my dd.

Advice welcome. Don't know where to turn.

OP posts:
Ewe · 19/10/2009 22:40

He sounds absolutely vile. If he talks to you like shit, he won't even be honest to a counsellor and says things like this to you, why do you want to be with him?

lisad123wantsherquoteinDM · 19/10/2009 22:40

do you want to stay with him?

BiteOfFun · 19/10/2009 22:42

That would be Game Over for me, I think. Does it feel like a relationship worth saving to you?

TrillianSlasher · 19/10/2009 22:43

Sounds her like he is being a bastard, not that you actually have an unusual-smelling fanjo.

Louby3000 · 19/10/2009 22:46

I am with the others, what is the motivation to stay, for you DD? without knowing much of what is going on, is seems like he is a nasty piece of work. We all fight with our partners and relationships ebb and flow, but being treated poorly and disrespectfully infront of your children is a line that should not be crossed.

MadBadAndWieldingAnAxe · 19/10/2009 22:52

That sounds very cruel.

Who has mentioned divorce? Is it what you want?

All I can suggest is practical stuff. Go and see a good family lawyer, who can tell you your rights (especially about the threat of taking your child abroad). If you are still feeling low and anxious, can your GP refer you for counselling about that? Have you had any help with your bladder weakness - the post-gynae physiotherapists can be really helpful?

Have you got a good friend you can talk to?

MadBadAndWieldingAnAxe · 19/10/2009 22:52

That sounds very cruel.

Who has mentioned divorce? Is it what you want?

All I can suggest is practical stuff. Go and see a good family lawyer, who can tell you your rights (especially about the threat of taking your child abroad). If you are still feeling low and anxious, can your GP refer you for counselling about that? Have you had any help with your bladder weakness - the post-gynae physiotherapists can be really helpful?

Have you got a good friend you can talk to?

pottycock · 19/10/2009 22:53

That is an exceptionally horrid thing to say. Poor you.

Alibooobaandthe40phantoms · 19/10/2009 22:55

He sounds awful, that is an utterly, utterly horrid thing to say .

I agree that you should go to a doctor and a lawyer, not necessarily in that order!!

OneBabyPlease · 19/10/2009 22:57

Hi Q - Not really qualified to help at all but just chipping in in an effort to make you feel a bit better really. You're having a really rough time by the sound of it. Do you really think you do smell a bit strange or is it just a bit of paranoia not helped by him being unsupportive? I've suffered from a couple of bouts of BV (Bacterial Vaginosis) in recent years & have become paranoid about having a slightly 'fishy' smell so I have an idea how you feel - could it possibly be BV at all? If so it is treated with antibiotics easily. I really think you should see your GP to put your mind at rest - whatever it is I'm sure they will be able to help.
As for your h, my dh is also from a different continent & although they have some funny ideas on things it doesn't sound as if he's treating you fairly. Have you got friends/family you can turn to for support in RL? If a friend was in your situation what advice would you give them? I really hope things improve for you soon, whether you stay together or separate. Try to keep your chin up. Good luck

Original poster
Querelous · 19/10/2009 23:12

I don't know but am erring towards seperation at the moment. I tell myself I wouldn't have stayed this long apart from dd who adores him and the fear of him taking her away / and I have a fear of her ending up in care (I love her very much but my family is totally unspportive / dysfunctional) we have both brought up the subject at different times.

I actually went to for a couple of different courses of counselling in the last few years (lets just put it this way there was a lot of major upsets, deaths etc after we got together) my career, finances and health were affected and I haven't had a chance to breathe. I have been working on improving my qualifications as a way out, but part of me feels like he was really there for me i the begining - when all the shit was happening.. I just don't know what went wrong.

OP posts:
MadBadAndWieldingAnAxe · 19/10/2009 23:18

I'm no expert, but it sounds to me as if some counselling now might help you. However things work out with your h, you need to be feeling as strong and as confident as you can.

Don't be rushed into anything you're unhappy with but do try and get some legal advice. It may help clarify things.

Original poster
Querelous · 19/10/2009 23:51

Thanks to you all for your honesty and advice - I had to tell someone and it helps to get some outside opinions. Now have idea of what I had been trying to persuade myself I didn't need to do. You have given me courage. Going to bed now. Will sleep better with an action plan.

OP posts:
anonymous85 · 20/10/2009 06:17

Do you still love him? Why do you want to be with him? Not just for your DD. It is never ok for him to talk to you like that AND for your DD to see.

Do some soul searching for yourself and your DD, is it best to stay in this relationship?

Scorpette · 20/10/2009 12:27

The only thing that stinks is his treatment of you. Even if you do have a problem with personal odour (and I bet you actually don't), NO-ONE should ever talk to you like that. To talk to you like shit in front of your DD is unacceptable and the fact that he will be so cruel over this matter sounds warning bells over how he will treat her when she gets older and goes through puberty (with all its smells and body changes). She won't be put in care just because you went through a bad patch in the past. And just because he was supportive in the past does not mean you owe him a damn thing now. You say your DD adores him, but perhaps that is because by always talking you down to her/in front of her he is 'getting her on side'. And perhaps even at her v young age, she can sense it's not wise to show Daddy anything except what he wants (ie her love).

He sounds awful and you know you deserve better.

blushes · 20/10/2009 14:24

I agree with Scorpette. Even if you do have an issue with odour, he should not have said something so completely vile and awful to you.

In fact, it would be an even worse thing to say if you DO have an issue, because as your partner he should be extra sensitive and understanding about it, not pick on something that he KNOWS you feel insecure about already and stick the knife in. People say things during rows, but that is beyond the pale.

Honestly his words to you make me shudder- they are designed to be as offensive as possible and make you feel like shit- and I think you would be far better off without someone that could EVER speak to you like that. Once is too many times.

Sorry no constructive advice. Just wanted to offer support. I really feel angry on your behalf.

SerenityX · 20/10/2009 14:55

You do need 3rd party intravention here. Perhaps the counselling needs to be changed. Stick with the facts. Marriage is for better or worse and your situation is not that unusual. Anxiety dissorders are quite common and becoming more so. And meds do mess you up. So what? Is this guy really that much of an idiot that he expects a lifetime of problem free marriage? What he didn't expect to look after you if say you came down with MS? What would he do if the kids get seriously sick or crippled?

Most women have 'changes' down there after child birth. Smells also get stronger as we age. Again it is normal. Men change as well. ;-)

The guy sounds clueless. He seems to expect you not to change. If he can't grow up and act more mature then dump him.

Sadly some guys don't get for better or worse and this guy seems like a classic example.

Some guys I just want to slap! This guy is one. Like that guy (worth £400mil) who is claiming poverty and divorcing his ex-model wife because she now looks 'aweful'. What the hell did he expect after 3 kids? He is no oil painting either.

S

NicknameTaken · 20/10/2009 15:19

Hi Querelous, my ex threw similar accustions at me. He's also from a different continent. Talk about picking a sensitive issue! It's one of many reasons why he is now my ex.

If you think he's serious about taking your DD, there are things you can do. Keep her passport in your possession etc. You definitely shouldn't stay with him just for this reason, but it does mean you need to be strategic about leaving and it's particularly important to get good legal advice.

NormaStanleyFletcher · 20/10/2009 15:24

Read your first post as if it was your daughter posting it when she is grown up.

What would you say to her?

I would see a solicitor.

Lemonylemon · 20/10/2009 15:35

Querelous, Actually, I'm going to post a very unhelpful comment here, but I'm childish like that....

If he ever says anything like this again, you should reply: "No, the only thing I can smell is the shit you're talking"....

But on a serious note, I think he said it because he's being really mean and sticking the knife in. As everyone else has said, NOBODY should be spoken to that way, especially not in front of their children.

Btw: loads of people have bladder weakness after childbirth, it's nothing to be ashamed of ... but if you can improve your muscle tone with pelvic floor exercises, then you'll be attacking your problems on several fronts IYSWIM. But I bet that you don't smell.....

I echo what everyone else has said on this thread as well.

ScaryFucker · 20/10/2009 17:29

my bladder is also a bit "shot-at" since having 2 dc

I know I don't smell

if you wash daily, even if you leak a little, you will not smell

fact

Now that is out of the way, if my DH ever spoke to me so cruelly, I would be taking steps to leave him

no question

anybody who talks to you like that, obviously picking on something you are sensitive about, loses the privelige of sharing your life

Jamieandhismagictorch · 20/10/2009 17:32

Ditto

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