Absent in-laws suddenly want to be here every weekend.

[teenybitresentful]

DH is a doctor. It took him 13 years to become a consultant and for most of this period he worked horrendous antisocial hours. For a long time he worked weeks in excess of 100 hours.

For most of this time it didn't bother me - I learned to live with it, though often felt lonely at weekends. However, when we had our first child I found this very difficult to cope with and looking back, I probably had PND. Our daughter was a poor sleeper and generally grumpy baby and I was left alone all weekend and had to do the nights and the days when DH was on night shift.

Weekends were always particularly hard because friends were busy doing "family" things. It was a very isolating period.

We had no local support with the exception of DH's parents. During the first 4 years of DD's life they never once offered to look after her, never came over to keep me company or even just "drop by" at weekends. They ONCE took her for a walk because we begged them to help us when DH worked a whole month without a day off.

Anyway, we now have a second baby and DH started a consultant job in August. Our life is much much easier because he hardly ever has to work a weekend and never has to work nights. All of a sudden we have some quality of life; some "family" life.

BUT - the minute he got the new job, his parents started turning up EVERY weekend. They have fallen into a pattern of telephoning on a Friday afternoon, speaking to DD1 (who is now four) and arranging to visit.

I am so incredibly resentful of them.

Why couldn't they visit when I really needed them? They really expect to start comandeering our family life the minute it has started.

DH agrees with my assessment of the situation, but they are his parents.

I just want to rant and vent and for someone to understand....

Is this unreasonable? How do I cope with it?

I would be peed off by their actions too! I have been in a similar postition with my in laws. My husbnd is in the Forces, they dont even call me when he is away for upto 7 months at a time, then expect to come and visit the minute he gets home. He has just returned from months away - again with no conatact whatsoever from them(despite the children sending them postcards and me their birthday cards and leaving happy birthday messages on their phone), and now are complaining they have not had an invite from me for Christmas! They have apparently orderd the Turkey for me to cook for them already and need to know what day to arrange to collect it and travel down! !! I have to laugh or I will explode with rage!

You really need to stop this "Every weekend" habit now before it just becomes expected!

If your husband is not prepared to sit down and have an frank chat with them then can I suggest you have a list of "pretend socials" (or make real ones) that make your weekends toobusy for them pop over EVERY weekend.

Just have excuses ready. If they come this weekend, tell them, "Oh really sorry but we wont be able to see you next weekend because, we are going Xmas hopping, have friends coming over, am helping with the Nursery Xmas Fayre" etc etc. "So perhaps we'll see you the weekend after".

I have taken to inviting my ILS to stuff I actually dont mind them being at to deter a visit from them at the weekend close to it! For example, I have invited them to DDs carol service (she is in the choir) so I dont have to have them here just 2 weeks before Xmas - when it looks like they have invited themselves for Xmas aswell! It means I will actually only have to spend an hour or 2 with them. Most of which I wont even have to chat to them! Bonus!! LOL

Clearly not all PILs will particularly like their DILs/SILs as people and vice versa.

However if either party makes that lack of friendship/respect obvious then despite the PILs love of their own child and GC they cant expect to be able to visit at will etc whilst making the DIL/SIL unhappy. Equally it would be unreasonable for the DIL/SIL to prevent 'reasonable' access. OP - all of your DHs freetime is grossly unreasonable!

I am in very similar circumstances but have reached the conclusion that I will endure one of PILs family get togethers every 6-8 weeks or so with as much grace as they are able to show themselves - 'for the sake of the children'. It's a shame, especially when we all know of PIL/DIL/SIL relationships that are fun and beneficial for all concerned.

Over time things may improve and if they don't there are worse things than unpleasant ILs.

Enjoy your own family life and hope that your DC chose partners that you like!

slummymummy poor you! If you do decide to have the ILs for Xmas hope DH recognises the massive favour you are doing for his sake. You might get a particularly nice present or at least major brownie points!

I get on well/okay with my MIL and she helps out a bit (she has young, still works etc) but she works at our relationship (and vice versa) because her son loves me and I'm Mum to her some of her grandchildren.

I think it is odd when grandparents will go to such lengths to not spend time with their gc just because their sons are unavailabe!!!

AT the end of PIL's life if they need care & help it will probably be me providing it rather than dh, why can these GrandParents not see that what goes around comes around.

Why should a DIL bother to help PIL if they wouldn't help her? Son will probably still be working long hours etc.

I always joke with MIL that as soon as she starts to lose the plot I'll find her a nice home to go to but of course the truth is I will do things to help not just because she helped me but she accepted me into her family, made room for me in my own right. If dh & I split up I would accommodate her desire to see the children.

Surely when your children marry your family grows, the bigger the family the more love to share around???