Absent in-laws suddenly want to be here every weekend.

[teenybitresentful]

DH is a doctor. It took him 13 years to become a consultant and for most of this period he worked horrendous antisocial hours. For a long time he worked weeks in excess of 100 hours.

For most of this time it didn't bother me - I learned to live with it, though often felt lonely at weekends. However, when we had our first child I found this very difficult to cope with and looking back, I probably had PND. Our daughter was a poor sleeper and generally grumpy baby and I was left alone all weekend and had to do the nights and the days when DH was on night shift.

Weekends were always particularly hard because friends were busy doing "family" things. It was a very isolating period.

We had no local support with the exception of DH's parents. During the first 4 years of DD's life they never once offered to look after her, never came over to keep me company or even just "drop by" at weekends. They ONCE took her for a walk because we begged them to help us when DH worked a whole month without a day off.

Anyway, we now have a second baby and DH started a consultant job in August. Our life is much much easier because he hardly ever has to work a weekend and never has to work nights. All of a sudden we have some quality of life; some "family" life.

BUT - the minute he got the new job, his parents started turning up EVERY weekend. They have fallen into a pattern of telephoning on a Friday afternoon, speaking to DD1 (who is now four) and arranging to visit.

I am so incredibly resentful of them.

Why couldn't they visit when I really needed them? They really expect to start comandeering our family life the minute it has started.

DH agrees with my assessment of the situation, but they are his parents.

I just want to rant and vent and for someone to understand....

Is this unreasonable? How do I cope with it?

apology accepted, though, like many people, you jumped on the fact he was a doctor.

Happens all the time.

Very good idea Twintummy!

You and dh get a lovely evening out together or, if they're suddenly not available for babysitting, it at least means they won't be over at yours! Win-win

what a good idea!

Actually I forgot - they did babysit once and they really pulled a face because we got home at midnight.

We had been out for dinner with friends (who are in their fifties) and we were driving another couple home and just had loads of difficulty getting them to leave (and had a half hour drive to get home ourselves).

On that occasion we really felt we were breaking up the party (we were halfway through a board game and couldn't finish it because we insited we had to go home).

We have taken to paying a babysitter recently because we know we won't be met with a long face if it's after 11pm.

Op l am behind you 100%

You got no support from your IL's when it was needed.
Your husband did not choose the dreadful hours he had to work.
The money he earns is immaterial (although well deserved and no l am NOT a Doctor)
I can well understand your feelings of resentment and although thet may respond and interact to older GC's there is no excise for previous behaviour.
If you do not want to get caught into this pattern of telephoning and visiting you need to break it now. I know from personal experience how hard it is to break and you will become ever more resentful of them taking and expecting of your time when it now suits them
Make your own plans for the weekend --do certainly make time for then and perhaps encourage your DH to visit them outwith the weekends with the DC's.
You have sacrificed family time due to your husbands chosen career now is the time that you all should be spending time together.

thanks doha.

I know what you mean, I'd rather pay than ask the IL's. But I'm stubborn and they seem to reap the rewards of being grandparents (and love bragging to their friends) so I think they should have to work once in a while for the privilege!

(Doctor's pay and conditions are very poorly understood - nobody ever believed me when I said he earned half pay for overtime!)

And £800 for the priviledge of going on the medical register - honestly - I could go on and on!

I'm sure some doctors must be reading this and smiling because they've been through it.

Sodding MRCP, FRCA. That's about £4,000 per letter we shelled out.....

My husband has had a 16,000 pay cut this year so I feel your pain and to be honest his salary is completely irrevelant to your feelings about his parents.

rubbish isn't it?

£12,000 or £16,000 is a huge amount to lose. I also work for the NHS and lost my job so we lost both £12,000 and my income at the same time.

He used to have "salary protection" and apparently still does but it's worth nothing.
This was because junior doctors changed hospitals every six months and some rotas paid less than others (because the on-call commitment was less onerous).

Obviously, there was recognition that people need to pay their mortgage so you can't give them drastic pay cuts every six months.

Turned out it was worthless - there was a test case and it came down to something in the fine print of their contracts.

Like many others we could no longer afford to pay our mortgage after that. We'd been paying it for 11 years and had to incease the term to thirty years. Bummer.

I think the problem here is with your husband. I wouldn't want any relative visiting me every weekend. I would discuss with him that you feel they ignored you for years and are now constantly round and you'd like a bit of balance.
I would sit and chat to him about your feelings and ask him why he thinks they are coming now. It may well be that they enjoy seeing their son and there was no point coming before as he was rarely in, but there may be other issues. I'd get him to maybe agree to an informal no more than once a month visit routine and maybe discuss that you'd like to spend more time as just a family on the weekends without feeling you have to keep the house tidy and entertain. I'm really antisocial and hate visitors, but also go out alot at weekends.
Once you get him on side then he can sort out his relatives and get them to back off a bit.

i think you should gently try a few of the tactics suggested, e.g 'we know how you like coming round to see the dgcs. why don't you look after them for a few hours while we do christmas shopping without them seeing what we're getting?'
and 'well, we've started going swimming as a family on sat pm, do you want to join us?'

or something like that.

from their reaction you'll be able to tell whether it's just that they ONLY want to see your dh, and don't really expect to be part of the whole family, or if they've just somehow been thoughtless, and are now getting involved.

i wouldn't expect PIL to be as close to the spouse as to their own child, but am surprised when people don't seem to treat dgc equally. though, having said that, my gran def thought the offspring of her onlly son was more precious than the offspring of her 3 daughters,people do have some funny ideas.

They sound bloody awful.
Yes, pick and choose when they come, or say things like 'Oooh, we can't all manage to see you this w/end but dh and I have been invited out for lunch/paintballing/to play squash so if you would like to take the children that would be lovely!'

Can't beleive they didn't have you around for Christmas. Nasty fuckers.

Yes, the not having you and their granddaughter there for Christmas was awful, and they have been generally awful. I would not answer the phone on Fridays if their calling has been really predictable. I know they are his parents, too, but I think after all these years of you picking up the extra burden at home while your DH built his career, you are now entitled to say you want to use this newly acquired free time to put your own family life (ie you, him and DD) first at weekends. They can have once a month and like it - other than any babysitting, of course.

Sorry - should have put both your DDs.

I don't answer the phone to anyone btw.I screen every call.It's their for my convenience, not the caller's.

OK so I'm guessing his parents don't particularly like you or as others have said for what ever reason didn't want to get involved with your dcs when they were little as others have said just don't be around for them, call screen, say you're busy, go out, go away (asking them to babysit is a good one though)
Just one tip you must get your dh onboard with this though he has to do some of the dealing with them or else you will forever be the wicked witch of the west!

only other thing that crossed my mind is whether you have moved closer to them?

I think slambang has hit the nail on the head. Some PILs just aren't that bothered about their DILs and SonILs. They sound like they want to see your DH, the DGCs are incidental, and so are you! That's not personal, but it is a shame. I do feel for people in your situation
For the future though, you have to get DH to say you are busy at least 3 weekends out of 4, and if they want to come on the 4th weekend suggest they babysit so you can go out both of you

@ not inviting you & DD over when you were alone at Christmas!
You & DH could agree on 1 weekend a month with ILs, any more visits could take the form of babysitting. Perhaps they could have DD overnight? Thenyou & DH could arrange to do something special & they don't get to pull faces if you're back late.
Decide what works for YOU!
Good luck!

Haven't read the whole thread but I hope you are getting more support now than at the top of the the thread.
My MIL is like this. She is just not interested in me and not much in the grandchildren unless dh is there too. It's very funny and sad. FIL is a bit better but not much.
Just accept that the are like this (you can't change them) but when they phone on the friday tell them you are busy on the weekend and maybe next weekend you could go over and see them or drop dc's off instead... Don't feel bad about it - you need to redraw your boundaries.

Well, I'm on your side. They have behaved appallingly. It's like someone asking if you need help washing up when you're done. It's all well and good wanting a 'close' relationship when it's all on their terms.

Seems to me they want a superficial type relationship. They don't want to go out of their way, so neither should you.

I'd keep it civil, but at a distance. Let them know, perhaps in advance when is a good time. Is your DH still on shifts?

But don't go out of your way for these people.

Nice though that your DH is supporting you.

I have first hand experience of 'superficial family relationships' and it really hurts, especially when you're struggling with your first child and your husband is working long hours to support the family. Now it means that my focus is on my family (DH, DD, and bump). I tried to make the extended family work - hosting Christmasses and family get-togethers - with no return - so now I don't. Is too exhausting - people coming over & expecting to be waited on. Is incredibly selfish. I don't know why people can be like that - all take and no give. Is a huge shame. I try not to let how I feel affect my DDs' relationship with aunts/uncles/grandparents though.
Is great that you now have more family time with DH - make the most of it, and interact with in-laws as it suits you - don't allow them free-reign to take a part in your lives they feel they're ready for when they've not been there for you when it mattered most. I know resentment is very negative, but a relationship is a two-way thing and PND for you must have been hell on your own. I think they need to realise a few things and not take you for granted.
Your feelings are completely understandable, and it's up to you and your DH to decide how you want to move forward with your relationship with his parents. Perhaps he needs to spell out to them how you both feel and clear the air a bit? I know sometimes that's not possible.....

They sound awful. Sorry to have to say it but it sounds like they either don't feel comfortable around you or they don't like you. Any idea why that may be? I mean, calling when they know your DH will be there - why don't they call to talk to you, all the times they could have asked you over or been to see you when you were alone with a baby!

For goodness sake, your husband has to tell them that they can´t come over every weekend.

Whatever they did/didn´t do in the past, every weekend is too much, IMO, unless perhaps limited to an hour or two.

Have the same thing in that in laws not interested if husband not there.

They sound very selfish.

Even if they wernt I wouldnt want them round every weekend, its too regular. Plan some days out for the next few weekends and break the pattern. Then send DH round with DD to visit them and have a break for yourself. This situation can work very well for you if you manage it well!