Absent in-laws suddenly want to be here every weekend.

[teenybitresentful]

DH is a doctor. It took him 13 years to become a consultant and for most of this period he worked horrendous antisocial hours. For a long time he worked weeks in excess of 100 hours.

For most of this time it didn't bother me - I learned to live with it, though often felt lonely at weekends. However, when we had our first child I found this very difficult to cope with and looking back, I probably had PND. Our daughter was a poor sleeper and generally grumpy baby and I was left alone all weekend and had to do the nights and the days when DH was on night shift.

Weekends were always particularly hard because friends were busy doing "family" things. It was a very isolating period.

We had no local support with the exception of DH's parents. During the first 4 years of DD's life they never once offered to look after her, never came over to keep me company or even just "drop by" at weekends. They ONCE took her for a walk because we begged them to help us when DH worked a whole month without a day off.

Anyway, we now have a second baby and DH started a consultant job in August. Our life is much much easier because he hardly ever has to work a weekend and never has to work nights. All of a sudden we have some quality of life; some "family" life.

BUT - the minute he got the new job, his parents started turning up EVERY weekend. They have fallen into a pattern of telephoning on a Friday afternoon, speaking to DD1 (who is now four) and arranging to visit.

I am so incredibly resentful of them.

Why couldn't they visit when I really needed them? They really expect to start comandeering our family life the minute it has started.

DH agrees with my assessment of the situation, but they are his parents.

I just want to rant and vent and for someone to understand....

Is this unreasonable? How do I cope with it?

They are so stupid, I assume my DIL and SIL are my family; they have their own lives and don't need me now but if they did I would respond as though my son or daughter had asked.

Of course they love their son, and should do so but if YOU are happy and supported it helps him and their grandchildren.

You need to find a great babysitter and start making friends with a group of people with same circumstances as you, young children etc so you can go out together, meet up at home. It's not easy but if you try you'll find others who will be happy to have your dc for few hours if you return the favour.

Good luck blessings EM

Even if they had been a tower of strength while your husband was qualifying, every weekend would still be an awful lot after a while. You need family time, and they're not granting it to you.

Can you plan a few family activities to cover the next few weekends - go and visit places, next month maybe do some Christmas Markets or something else (and don't invite them to more than one event)? If they're speaking to your DD because she's picking up the phone then don't let her pick up on Friday nights, then you can handle the calls (or your DH). Do they interact with your DD or is it far more just talking to your DH?

It doesn't matter how much your husband earns, I think he should be utterly commended for the ability to put in that much effort over such a sustained period and you should be equally commended for supporting him throughout it, not sniped at because finally you're seeing some payback for the years of hard work. Part of that payback should be that you should be allowed to spend your weekends how YOU want, not cater to people who only want to see your DH, not you all as a family unit.

Poor you they sound awful, particularly the Christmas issue. Do what I do, after years of similar (with BILs and SILs, no PIL) now DH brings the children to see his family, I am 'busy' most of those times so sadly don't appear. Frankly none of them were interested in me when I was dxed with a chronic painful condition having 3 DC (3, 2 and newborn) to see to and that taught me a HUGE lesson!

Now I don't even feel resentful towards them. In fact, I get a lovely afternoon to myself at home every couple of weekends. DC get to spend time with their extended family and everyone is much happier.

If your PIL are so disinterested in you - and I'm sorry, but it looks that way - perhaps this is the way to go. We gradually started to do it and it suits everyone.

they sound selfish and horrible. Poor you

Lack of support with the PND and baby aside I too am appalled that they did not include you on boxing day when you were alone.

It makes me so angry and sad to think people behave like this.

Don't compromise any family time to accommodate them. They had their chances to foster relationships with you and your DCs but pretty much ignored you it seems.

Now they are conveniently available because your DH is more available. Tough. So what if they are his parents. Did they act like parents? Or grandparents for that matter?Just say you've got other plans sorry. You don't need to offer explanations or excuses. You are not obliged to them in any way.

You've earned your family weekends together -don't let them turn these into horrid memories too.

I don't think they've behaved that badly. The main problem seems to be that the poster's parents are ?dead and she has no other family so is maybe expecting more support from inlaws than someone who has their own family would. Perhaps husband could have asked his parents to help when the poster was struggling, or perhaps he could have paid for some childcare or a cleaner.
None of my inlaws offer to help me or just drop by. If I wanted help I would have to ask for it. The poster does seem resentful that they weren't mindreaders. I suspect not inviting the poster for boxing day was just an oversight, and I wouldn't want to visit my inlaws without my husband. They're not my family they're his.

Different if you told your husband you were unhappy having boxing day just with the kids and would like to have gone round his parents then you both could have asked them.

My parents would never have just invited my husband and kids round if I wasn't there though. It just wouldn't occur to them that he'd want to come.

I think sometimes women expect more from their inlaws than men, and with not having your own family you maybe have expectations of them that they are unaware of.

2rebecca - You sound quite detached from your family as though you have no expectations of them at all.

In other loving families, people consider their child's spouse a member of the family (not some random outsider). They are included in family life and GC are absorbed into the wider family of aunts and uncles and cousins as well as GPs.

Also they did ask (in fact begged) for help...

Doesn't take much to phone and say 'what are your plans for Boxing day? This is what we're doing and you're very welcome to join us if DS is working.'

They seem very informed about his working schedule so hardly an oversight is it if they also know OP doesn't have any family of her own?

Teenybitresentful - are you me?

I had my 2nd baby who was in and out of hospital, didn't sleep etc. DH a surgical registrar having to commute 2 hours a day due to rota, not knowing anyone in new town except PILs, DH doing FRCS so didn't see him for 18 months as he was in library.
PILs were utterly NO help. It is very isolating. With hindsight I was a bit depressed during the winter months.

All I can say is, let them back in your life but don't let them rum your life. My PIls are still pretty useless, despite living 20mins away, but the DCs love them and perhaps they are just not 'tiny baby' people. Now they want to be around, just keep leaving the 5 of them to get on with it and you go off an to the pub shops for urgent groceries!

I agree with freakname - I'm considered one of the family and am included in everything. In fact, I see far more of PIL than DH does. THey would not dream of not inviting me over with the DC if they knew that I was on my own on Boxing Day and they had other family round too. They'd be horrified to think that I was on my own.

I certainly don't think that the OP's ILs are the norm, far from it.

Oh and PS - the whole salary is bollocks as well.

Hello

I just wanted to say that I have worked with medical consultants for years and have a huge amount of respect for most (!) of them. They work very very hard to get to where they are and they carry huge responsibility for patient care, service development, research etc...as a colleague I never resented the amount of money they make. Just thought you might like to hear that!

As for your in laws...my family all live abroad, I have a 3 week old...first baby...but OH mother who lives close by would never dream of calling me or coming round unless OH is home. In fact she usually calls him on his mobile rather than the house phone. Now I don't get on very well with her so have no probs with this, but it sounds like your inlaws are the same...it is their son they want to see and spend time with, maybe not you or even the kids so much. Who knows? Agree with others who have said to make plans as much as you can...but don't exclude them completely, just let them fit in with you.

chin up. oh as for the inheriting a family thing...I know what you mean...my family get on brilliantly with OH, so he has two, but his family and I don't get on at all which is a shame. For me I know it isn't personal, no-one would have been good enough for no1 son :-)

The bit that struck me the most was that the PIL are speaking to the 4-year-old and arranging to come over. If I've read Teenybitresentful correctly, that means they are making the arrangement with the 4-year-old - which is definitely not on.

If this is the case, they need telling that they should make the arrangements with teeny or her dh, not with the dgd!

It did also occur to me to wonder if they were not comfortable around small children, hence their becoming involved now the older dgd is older. But if they knew that teeny was struggling and having a hard time, and that her dh was working such long hours, then it was unkind and thoughtless of them not to offer some help.

And fwiw, I'm glad there are people willing to work the hugely long hours that trainee doctors have to work. If anything, any outrage should be directed at the training system that forces young doctors to work such punishingly long hours. A doctor who is on call all weekend in a hospital may get only a few hours of interrrupted sleep out of 72 (because a weekend usually includes the friday and they have to carry straight on working on Monday, at least in the hospitals where I've nursed). And at the end of this they are still expected to be as efficient, knowlegeable and caring as they were at the beginning.

I don't think it's a case of higher "expectations" - more one of greater needs. Just reverse the situation for a minute - think about being a mil to someone who didn;t have their own family. I dearly hope that if I did ever have a son-in-law (or, for that matter a dil - I have 2 dds but you never know...) who had no family and a spouse working Boxing Day and 100 hours a week that I'd have enough awareness (and enough heart) to invite them to my home. and, more generally, to welcome them into the family.

We're only getting half the story here though. Was OP close or friendly with inlaws before she had kids?

Do they get on generally? Do they like each other? Enjoy each other's company?

OP says nothing about ever liking her PILs so perhaps in a polite way, that is mutual?

I think that parents of sons who marry are on a sticky wicket if they get involved with their son's family as this can be seen as interfering, and even offering help can be seen as casting judgement on the mother's ability to cope. Seen it on here a million times.

I think you've just overestimated PILs interest in spending time with you - unless they used to be really friendly but this changed when you had DCs?

As for seeing them every week now, sounds far too much, tell your DH to tell them. They're not your problem, they're his.

I am 100% behind you on this. I think they are being really selfish now and that they have treated you very badly in the past.

My PIL's moved to spain when DD was 14 weeks old. She was really poorly at the time and we did not know what was wrong with her. They have said to me since that they didn't think she would survive but they still chose to up sticks. That does bother me a little but what really pisses me off is that they decided that they didn't like spain and moved back to england july 2008. They then expected my DD (who was 2 at the time) to be all over them. MIL gets really pissed off that DD won't go to her and so obviously adores my mum who she has seen regularly since she was born. I suffered from PND and my mum stepped in and helped loads so DD has a very srong bond with her that really gets on MIL's wick. Even a year on DD still does not like my MIL. She clings to me when they come round and will not go and play with them. MIL is very of my mum but i just think it's tough shit becasue you were not interested earlier in her life.

PIL's also looked after BIL and SIL's 2 children every day from when they were born. MIL told me when i was PG - Don't expect me to look after yours as well. Hmmm

I think you should limit their involvement to a level that suits you and if they are suddenly feeling bad about not being more involved earlier tough. They are not children and they will have known the consequences of not helping out when your DC's were small.

Do what suits you and they will have to live with it

Hope his long ramble helps

gosh loads of responses since last night!

Thanks for your support. Isn't mumsnet brill?

Actually, mumsnet has really helped me over the last few years.

I do feel better about it.

In answer to questions, no, we didn't move closer to them. They live 20 mins away and always have done.

I think we get along fine. FIL is very easy come/easy go. MIL is slightly astonished that DH helps with the children as FIL has never lifted a finger. She thinks I'm the luckiest person alive to be married to her son. I think she made her own bed with FIL but I guess they are a different generation.

To state the obvious, people have very different expectations about what the PiL / DiL relationship should be. My MiL always makes the effort to phone me (me personally, not us as family, if you know what I mean) during the week when DH is working away from home. Which is very sweet of her - but which I find really quite odd, as it's not my expectation of our relationship, and we don't have a vast amount in common to talk about.

I wonder whether your PiLs just have different ideas about what your relationship ought to be? If you don't really get on that well / have much to talk about, and they don't feel that they 'ought' to call / visit you personally, I don't think it's surprising that you haven't had much contact with them in the past.

I agree with grendels mum. I very much feel (particularly after a divorce) that my husband's parents are his family not mine. He feels the same about my family.
We both get on with each other's family although most of them live some distance away.
I would never consider ringing his mum up for a chat and to see how she is though in the way I would my dad.
I suppose I would chat to my SIL (wife of my brother) but that's because we get on and have alot in common. I never ring up my sister's husband for a chat, or my husband's sister. They're nice enough but not really friends in the same way.
I think the idea that your boyfriends family become your family when you marry is a very old fashioned one, perhaps because I married late. If you marry at 20 to a boyfriend you have known since you were 14 then you maybe do think of his parent's as your family.
My husband's parents are just a couple of pleasant if sometimes irritating retired folk, no more my family than the retired couple next door who I probably see more of and who I also like.

TBH, I´m not sure if in the same circumstances ILs would ask me.

They always prefer to visit when their son is also here.

I think I would have had to prompt them & say I´m fed up at weekends,will you visit/can I visit.

And I think my husband would have asked for me to be included Boxing Day,tbh.

Wow - good on you for coping through such a difficult time - and on your own. You deserve to be commended for your hard work and resilience.

As for your in-laws, they sound far too much like mine (unfortunately). Im also on my own (my family live half a world away), and although my family treat my husband as their long-lost son,brother, cousin, etc., my in-laws treat me and their other SIL and DIL as bystanders to the life of THEIR family. I know this seems normal to some people, but if you were raised in a family that cares about people, and you were taught to help those who need it, you certainly wouldnt understand how people can be so selfish - especially when it comes to family! And nor should you! I read once that you must forgive those who are selfish, because there is no cure - but that certainly doesn`t make it OK.

My in-laws couldnt get enough of their daughters children. They would drive 2 hours round-trip at a moment`s notice to babysit, and they would visit my SIL and the kids as much as she would let them. And they have showered her kids with endless gifts while they have yet to give my daughter so much as a card. We live in the same city and they continually refuse our invitations to visit.

I would love for my daughter to have a relationship with them, but I don`t want her feeling rejected by their lack of interest, or feel inferior compared to her cousins.

I think you could learn from my SILs experience. Shes had enough of their excessive attention (although shes still happy to call on their babysitting services), so she has told them that she didnt have children so THEY could raise them. Yes, Im sure this is easier for a daughter to say to her parents, and unforgivable from a DIL. Now theyve been working her 5-year-old, who now complains to Mum that she wants to stay over at Grandma`s.

Just think, youve reached out to them, and they werent there, so you dont owe them anything. Its your life and their son has hopefully cut the umbilical cord and is now your husband and your childrens father - which, Im sure are his first priority. Stop being so accommodating and stand up for yourself - because noone else will. And for as long as youre willing to be used and walked-on, selfish people cannot help but take advantage. Dont doubt yourself, you`re not being unreasonable. Just try to fill the void with friends and activities - good luck! xo

teenybit I would be v. resentful too. have had similar attitudes in my family (with other issues in the history too-abuse etc.) and am now very angry that all of a sudden they want to play happy families...

Whilst I get what others are saying about maybe they want to see their son - what about their grandchildren? What about offering to help out when they were little as they realised how hard things were for you?

I'm of the opinion that people can't just take the glory bits of being a grandparent - they can't turn up when the children are 5 and no longer snotty/whiney/in nappies just because they've "done their nappy stint".....bonding with GPs starts when the children are born, not at school-age.

I don't think your are BU at all!

Oh and just to add - your DH's choice of career is irrelevant to this as is his income. i don't get why so many posters fixate on these things!!

I agree with all Slambang says. I am a mil and a GM and can't think why it is deemed unreasonable for parents to want to visit when their son is at home. I wouldn't not visit when my sons aren't at home, but I am lucky enough to get on with my dils, BUT I still think it is understandable that the OPs ILs want to visit when their son is at home.

Maybe there is a reason why they only feel they want to visit when their son is at home. Maybe they just feel more comfortable when he is there (this does happen you know)or maybe they don't feel close enough to their dil to visit when he is not there, there could be any number of reasons.

I somehow don't think it would seem so unreasonable if parents of the mother really only wanted to visit when she was at home, rather than spend a lot of time with just their son-in-law. Somehow when it's the other way round, it is criticised.

I think it is sad that the OP is now "wanting to slap them" (sounds a bit likes what parents want to do to naughty children) and is planning to unplug the phone. These ILs are also the grandparents of the children, and don't the children have a right of building a good r/ship with their g/parents.

Maybe the OP could ask herself if there is any reason on her side of things why the ILs only want to visit when their son is at home. There is a dynamic involved in all relationships and the trouble is with MN posts is that we only hear one side of the story. I often find myself wondering about the "other side" of the story.

I am in the same boat no family and ILs that have not helped when asked. It is hard to get across by helping you you are helping their son.

I am now doing what one of the above poster suggests - getting DH to take the children to stay with them without me (one is still a baby so another year to go before he can take DS). Also I invite them when DH is here at the weekend, as they are just more work when they come on their own and just go on about how wonderful my SILs children are and how my SIL has it so tough, etc.... I just make lunch and go to bed when DS naps when they come round, will go out when I can leave DS with them all. I actually don't want to spend much time with my ILs given how they have treated me, my DC need to have a relationship as they are their own GPs but I don't.

I think the problem with having no family you get this feeling "what about me" that nobody looks after you and puts you first. It is lonely without your own parents and its hard to see your DH whose parents obviously dote on him. I've missed my mother most when I had DD I think I too had PND and I think losing my mother in childhood probably was the main reason.

It is difficult being a motherless mother.