No sex, no choice - living with enforced celibacy - anyone else?

[IrritableGrizzly]

Now I know I'm not the only one as I've read a few threads recently about this subject, and I wondered if anyone who's also going through this would like to have a support thread so we can talk about it.

Here goes - I'm 35 and dh is 44. We've been together 14 years and have two sons. In the early years our sex life was brilliant; he couldn't get enough of me and we were quite adventurous. Now I know that sort of thing isn't sustainable and I could accept that, but now we don't have sex at all.

When we were ttc ds2 (17 months) he did make the effort, but it was purely a baby-making thing, not erotic at all, and now we have him dh has completely lost interest. He just doesn't want me. We tried once earlier this year but he couldn't keep it up, and seemed relieved when we gave up.

I have tried to talk to him about it so may times, and he's always full of the same excuses - he's so busy at work, always tired, of course he still loves me etc etc. He is quite overweight and is on meds for high blood pressure, which I'm sure affect his libido, but he won't make the effort to do some exercise and get fit (he gets home from work, eats his dinner in about 3 minutes, and then gets out the sodding laptop and starts working again.)

I really don't know what to do. I can't see myself living the rest of my life like this, and at the same time I can't imagine breaking up my family for such a selfish reason. But my God, I want to be fucked so badly, sometimes it's all I can think about. I asked him if he'd mind if I went out and had a one night stand - he said he would. How crazy is that? He doesn't want me but he doesn't want anyone else to have me. I don't want an affair, but just the knowledge that someone wants me, and the purely physical sensations...shit, I've almost forgotten what it's like.

Well, I seem to have gone on a bit and I don't even know if anyone's going to read it...never mind, I guess it helps to get it all out sometimes. If anyone does want to chat about this though, that would be really cool. Sometimes I feel like I'm alone in this, even though I know I'm not the only one.

I did just want to add, and apologies if its been said before (Ive come back to the thread after a bit of time out) perhaps it isnt so much he has lost interest in you, perhaps he has 'just' lost his libido and all the rest is a cover up. My experience is perhaps relevant since I have a DH with a long term health condition on heavy medication and it has killed his sex drive. He pretends it hasnt (male ego I guess) and instead makes himself unattractive thro infrequent bathing and all manner of other quirky methods. I recognise them now. I have indeed stopped fancying him and no longer put pressure on him for sex, which in some ways makes life easier, but not sure its a long term solution! We last had sex, crap sex at that, 20 months ago.

But I have researched his meds and complete loss of libido is in fact a very common side effect so I dont feel I can be too hard on him.

I just say this to suggest it may not be him having gone off you/stopped fancying you etc, it may be entirely out of his control given he is on meds too. I guess with weight and BP issues there is an outside chance you can bring him on board if you distance it from the sex issue and make it just about health...? Good luck. Men are stubborn buggers.

My DP is the same IG. We were all full on sex none stop at the beginning - he had a very high sex drive, with a colourful history. But it all came to an abrupt end when I got pregnant with our DD (she's 3 1/2 now).

In 4 years we have had sex 14 times (yes I count ). And each time it has got progressively less fun, and last time it happened it was intercourse and nothing more, horrible

Am pregnant again (30 wks), god know's how!

He maintains it's his job, he hates it - however he is leaving next year to pursue other avenues, so it's not stretching out never ending for him. Plus whenever I have been on company 'do's' he seems to have a great working relationship with his colleagues, he is well respected and liked, and they have a nice relaxed buddy type atmosphere, they all know about each other's home lives etc. It doesn't seem a grim place.

I have tried to talk about the lack of sex life, but he stonewalls me. I have emailed him, he ignores them. I know I can't make him talk, but his silence means I have only my own thoughts and opinions spinning around my head, and they're slowly eating away at my confidence.

He has no underlying medical conditions, he is very fit (marathon runner) and still utterly gorgeous to me. I feel like a pervert for still wanting him as much as at the beginning.

I have absolutely no idea what to do now to find some resolution, I suppose I could suggest counseling, but I can guess his reaction would be not be favourable.

You are not alone IG, have no words of help, but want you to know that I understand how you feel

Aww that sounds crap. Sex is such an important part of a relationship. I suppose more important to some than others. I realised over the last few yrs that it is VERY importnat to me, it keeps you close. If a couple are both happy without then thats great but in your situation when you are un happy then do no think of it a selfish reason to split up a family. If you are not happy for whatever reason and feel splitting up would best then thats your choice.

Maybe he feels insecure about his weight and maybe the tablets aren't helping.

have you tried to talk to him about you feel?

stellamel How awful for you - it is a truly horrible situation isn't it. I really related to what you said about being made to feel like a pervert; that's how dh has made me feel before, which is so strange because in the early days it was the dirtier the better with him. Is it all to do with being a mother, do you think? Once you pop out the babies, you have to become this pure mumsy creature who never has rude thoughts? How the arse do you find out what goes on in their heads?

What sort of relationship do you have without the sex thing being an issue - do you still get on ok, have a nice time together and feel like a proper couple? Or does it take over everything, like it does with me. I feel like the rest of the marriage is just a sham if we can't relate to each other in the most intimate way there is.

I have asked him about the mum thing, he refuses to talk about anything, so I can only guess, but I assume it's a factor.

Our relationship is okay, but would be great if it weren't for this black cloud hanging over us all the time. I can go for a few weeks without it getting to me, but when it rears it's ugly head again it knocks me for six and I find myself tearful/angry/resentful. It does dominates everything . I don't want just a companion, and it pisses me off that he seems willing to let this happen.

What's so awful is I'm not really a 'let's talk about our feelings' sort of person! I do find it hard, but I do believe that communication is essential to a relationship working, and when there's a problem it has to be addressed. Ignoring it is only going to make it worse.

What happened to our passionate men? where did we go wrong?

Stellamel: Hang on, wasn';t your H the arsy one who wanted to fuck off round the world on a motorbike? Apologies if I am wrong but if it is the same man FFS love dump him. He sees you as nothing more than a domestic appliance, and he isn't even bothered about that sie of it (ie he can;'t even be arsed to say 'I love you but I'm not in love with you', the phrase that means 'I want you to carry on doing the housework while I moon about after other women'). He is giving you nothing and trying to make him respect, love, need or even like you will destroy your self-esteem and wreck your mental health. He is far too selfish to have a partner.

Yes, you are correct SGB

SBG - yes it is me was hoping you wouldn't remember me.

I know what you're saying and I did notice on another thread that you said trying to make someone love you is ultimately soul destroying and futile. Believe it or not I am closer than I have ever been to saying we may have gone as far as we can. I know in my heart I am probably flogging a dead horse - but at 30 weeks pregnant I am not ready to confront things.

Sorry if that sounds lame, but it's all I can do at the mo.

I'm sorry for a) inadevertently sort of outing you and b) being harsh. I appreciate that it's pretty grim to be in this situation when PG but at the same time it's probably better to start working on making sure you have a good support network in place for when your baby arrives. Because I cannot see this man being any use at all, and TBH he may well fuck off within a fortnight of the birth. He may well become a moderately doting (from a distance) and indulgent parent who the DC will love, but I think that as it's unlikely you will ever be able to rely on him, you need to make sure you (and DC) have support from other sources.

I've been having a miserable time trying to work out how to address this problem, and it was really helpful to stumble across this thread. I've been with my DW for over 20 years; our sex-life has slowly but surely ground to a halt over that time(twice in last 3 years)and I share all the feelings of rejection, frustration and bitterness that some of you have mentioned. When I've raised this with my wife before she's assured me that she still fancies me, but she doesn't like to inititate sex. I don't want to compel my DW if she's no longer interested in me, and I don't want to break up my family (2 kids under 10) either. Can any of you ladies help me to understand what might be going on here, and how I might deal with it sensitively ? Thanks

North London Dad, I'm having a few issues with my libido at the moment and my partner is feeling much the same as you.

I'm finding that sex just doesn't occur to me, so I don't think about initiating it but I've told him that if he does most times my body will respond and it's ok. He is feeling a bit hurt and doesn't like being the one to initiate all the time - he said it makes him feel like he's being a pest but it's not that at all. We're probably managing about once a month at the moment.

I'm currently having lots of tests, I know that I'm low in zinc and that's a factor and also I have a mirena coil which may also be something to do with it. I'm looking into other methods of contraception so I can get it taken out.

I've also been in the opposite situation where I had a partner with zero sex drive and it was absolutely the most soul-destroying time of my life and we did split up because of it.. even tho he encouraged me to have 'fuck buddies' that just made me feel as tho he didn't value me enough to want to keep me to himself, if that makes sense?

This seems to be an issue with as many causes as there are people and it's horrible

North London dad, I was going to say that it's normal for things to slide when you have young kids, but twice in three years is not "normal" by any stretch of the imagination.
Does that mean that you've only initiated sex on those two occasions?
Is she on hormonal contraception? That can kill libido stone dead. Are you generally happy/cuddly together?

Just because she doesn't like to initiate things doesn't mean she can't, she can learn to open up and take control of her sexuality but she has to want to, a book like the sexless marriage or the sex doctor by tracey cox might be useful.

akhems - I have recently had my mirena coil removed and a copper coil inserted instead. (This was all done at the same appointment). The mirena coil was making me depressed and anxious and had seriously depressed my libido.

I am feeling much better now!

These side effects are recognised side effects of mirena coils but doctors seem very reluctant to believe women. There are several threads on here about mirena coils and numerous hits can be found from google.

NorthLondonDad - what contraception are you using? Has your DW got babyweight to loose? Maybe she is feeling self-conscious about her body?

Ditto for me IrritableGrizzly - DH and I haven't slept together for 11 months now. Ok, part of that time I was pregnant, but DS is 8 months old now and I've been physically fine and willing for MONTHS. I'm 28 and DH is 41. When I mention that we haven't done anything for ages he just says that he's too stressed out about work and that he'll be more 'up for it' in a few weeks... He says he still fancies me, but he's just not in the mood. He does cuddle and kiss me from time to time, but not as much as he used to.

I'm wondering if it was actually seeing me give birth that has somehow put him off??? He says not though. It's really starting to get to me - I'm only 28 FFS, not 128!!! Ho hum.

Thanks Tabouleh.. I've read some of them, hence my thoughts on the Mirena.. I had a copper coil years ago and it was disastrous for me, so not sure what the best alternative for me would be.. I can't reliably take anything orally because I have modified intestines which means I malabsorb a fair percentage of stuff so the pill wouldn't be reliable.

I've been doing some reading about the patches called evra and they look promising, going to see gp about it soon.

akhems have you finished your family? If so would your dh consider a vasectomy? I found that not having ot ever worry again about getting pregnant hugely increased my sex drive. Sadly dh is now the uninterested one - nothing to do with having the snip, I think it's mostly to do with him (and me) putting on more weight than we'd like (he used to work out a lot and has a bit of a thing about muscles). I'm not in the desperate straights, because we do make love about once a month, but I don't think chaste marriages are something to aspire to, for all the reasons stated here.

Hi Nooka,

My children are 17 and 19, but my dp is not their father and he's 14 years younger than me so I feel it would be unfair for me to ask him to do that.. just in case we ever split up or he decided he does want to have children.

my exh did have a vasectomy and it turned him into a human version of the rampant rabbit!

I know how miserable it is tho, not having the kind of sex life you want.. at the moment I feel dreadfully guilty but when I was with a man with very low sex drive I just felt horribly rejected and my self esteem went through the floor.