No sex, no choice - living with enforced celibacy - anyone else?

[IrritableGrizzly]

Now I know I'm not the only one as I've read a few threads recently about this subject, and I wondered if anyone who's also going through this would like to have a support thread so we can talk about it.

Here goes - I'm 35 and dh is 44. We've been together 14 years and have two sons. In the early years our sex life was brilliant; he couldn't get enough of me and we were quite adventurous. Now I know that sort of thing isn't sustainable and I could accept that, but now we don't have sex at all.

When we were ttc ds2 (17 months) he did make the effort, but it was purely a baby-making thing, not erotic at all, and now we have him dh has completely lost interest. He just doesn't want me. We tried once earlier this year but he couldn't keep it up, and seemed relieved when we gave up.

I have tried to talk to him about it so may times, and he's always full of the same excuses - he's so busy at work, always tired, of course he still loves me etc etc. He is quite overweight and is on meds for high blood pressure, which I'm sure affect his libido, but he won't make the effort to do some exercise and get fit (he gets home from work, eats his dinner in about 3 minutes, and then gets out the sodding laptop and starts working again.)

I really don't know what to do. I can't see myself living the rest of my life like this, and at the same time I can't imagine breaking up my family for such a selfish reason. But my God, I want to be fucked so badly, sometimes it's all I can think about. I asked him if he'd mind if I went out and had a one night stand - he said he would. How crazy is that? He doesn't want me but he doesn't want anyone else to have me. I don't want an affair, but just the knowledge that someone wants me, and the purely physical sensations...shit, I've almost forgotten what it's like.

Well, I seem to have gone on a bit and I don't even know if anyone's going to read it...never mind, I guess it helps to get it all out sometimes. If anyone does want to chat about this though, that would be really cool. Sometimes I feel like I'm alone in this, even though I know I'm not the only one.

Is viagra out of the question due to his condition?

I once took a third of a 100mg tablet (purely for a bit of fun) and just the thought of sex made me rock hard within seconds for a full 48 hours!

I would like to add that I don't have any problems with either my sex drive or my 'hardware'

I was shocked that less than half a tablet could have that effect though.

Maybe once he gets it up again, he'll realise what fun he's been missing out on.

Stupid suggestions like that don't help anyone, I didn't think anyone would be dim enough to take viagra "for fun".
Don't you think if it were that simple, people wouldn't be posting on here desperate for help?
Viagra doesn't help with sexual desire you Muppet.

Malificence,

Why such anger? I think it's a helpful suggestion and not stupid in the slightest. I read somewhere in the topic that the guy in question didn't want to take anything, herbal or otherwise, so thought it would be worth pushing him to at least try. He is impotent and this is the most prescribed drug for impotence worldwide due to it's effectiveness!

How do you know he doesn't have sexual desire but just struggles when there's someone else to please at the same time? How do you know he's not just taking the easy way out and sorting himself out with porn?

And as for not thinking anyone could be 'dim enough' to take viagra for fun... I found being able to have sex about 8 times in 48 hours with an even stronger erection than usual a lot of fun, thanks very much! It was only an experiment after a friend gave me one. Blimey...

Plenty of people take viagra for fun, and it does help a lot with sexual desire, as 2010dad has just explained. Or are we now pretending that men don't know anything about their own bodies?

Hi IG

I was once in a similar situation to you (without the kids) but felt the same frustration. Your description of trying to talk so many times really rang a bell with me, took ages to build up the courage and then would get no-where.

Anyway, I finally issued an ultimatum. Come to Relate or it's over. And he agreed. I was v surprised as I never thought he would agree and that would have been the end.

We saw someone who specialised in this area. And it was brilliant.....we solved that problem and many other things besides. Learnt a lot about each other (even though we'd already been together 10 years) and learnt a whole new way to communicate.

Not sure if it helps but that's my story. I really hope you find a solution for yourself and wish you all the best.

I'm just shocked and appalled that someone would take something as potentially harmful as viagra when they don't need it, despite it being a completely stupid thing to do it also has some potentially very nasty side effects. A 48 hour erection may be big but it's defintiely not clever. Goodness knows what damage you could have done to the blood vessels and nerves in your penis.
It's a completely bonkers thing to do if you don't need it, I actually can't believe that men take it recreationally when there are natural things that can be taken for a similar effect.

Colditz, viagra categorically DOES NOT give someone the desire to have sex, they have to want to have sex before it will work, it's not an automatic erection giver!

The bottom line is that the OP's husband is taking no responsibility for his health or marital happiness, viagra is not a quick fix for a broken marriage.

malificence, the one thing viagra DOES reliably do is give you an erection. It has side effects, but lack of erection is not one of them. It doesn't give you a 48 hour erection, how absurd - you clearly have no idea what you are talking about.

If you read the posts clearly, I'm not the one claiming to have had a rock hard erection for 48 hours!
Again, viagra only works alongside the desire to have sex , therefore, no desire and stimulation = no erection.
I know exactly what I'm talking about.

Hello IG. I've been in a similar situation to yours. DH and I split recently and although I feel sad that it's over - I certainly never got married with the intention of breaking up after only 5 years - I feel relieved that the resentment I was building up against him has gone. We'd been through a lot since the birth of dd; we moved from one end of the country to the other to get some family help after I had the blues after dd was born, he had to look for a new job (which he got), we were more or less apart for 6 months, and then we had to get used to the London commuter belt way of life. I started resenting having a full-time job and having to do everything for dd when at home - I'd like to make it clear that I adore her and don't resent her at all - and all the housework while DH also worked, then in the evenings sat with his laptop on while watching telly and basically let me work myself into the ground. The physical side of things went ages ago and I really got worried that this would be it for the rest of my life. A close friend of mine died last year which helped me put things in perspective, and while not wishing to throw things away on a whim it made me realise this is not how I wanted to live my life. DH made it clear that he wanted to live a single life again and after a conversation in July this year we realised we were poles apart and he moved out. I do feel better now that we can properly try to be friends (or as close as we can get) without resentment and bad feeling building up. Obviously I'm only giving you my side of the story, and I'm sure dh would say that I've changed too since we had dd, and we basically stopped fancying each other.

I had quite a low opinion of myself as a woman because of the total lack of physical affection (despite my best efforts), but the effect of a single dad asking me out recently having met at the swimming pool - and my swimming costume is definitely NOT pulling material! - has really boosted my esteem and given me hope for the future.

I hope some of that made sense and it hasn't come out as a big mess. Whatever you decide to do you'll get lots of support on here and amongst your friends, good luck.

Me too, IG. I posted in AIBU a few weeks ago about considering an affair because of no sex at home (for 5 years) and sudden interest from someone else.
I have been thinking about this enforced celibacy a huge amount since I met this other guy (and we are now e-mailing, but have not met up again).
I am following the thread with interest. I haven't worked out what I am going to do, but sure as hell, I don't like the situation I'm in now.

I know I'm risking getting utterly flamed but I just wanted to say that I've actually had a couple of 'fuck buddies' in last few years and I would say doing that has saved my marriage and kept our family together.

It sounds utterly ridiculous and I think only the women and men in my situation will be able to understand what I'm talking about.

I love my husband, I want to grow old with him but I can't live without sex.

I think if you do end up having an affair/getting a buddy then you have to be the kind of person that can take and leave sex for it's physical benefits and ego boost alone. If you're the kind of person who falls in love easily then getting a fuck buddy is not for you but if you think you can handle it and the 'buddy' is clear about the arrangement, it's certainly worked for me.

It's not ideal of course and I do always think that I'd rather be in my husbands arms but...

SOmeone else has already said it but it can't be said too many times. A partner who refuses to have sex loses all rights to monogamy. It's not ethical or acceptable to enforce celibacy on another person against that person's wishes. And I fail to see how someone with no libido (or at least no desire for their existing partner) feels entitled to forbid the partner from seeking sex elsewhere: if you don't want it, what's it got to do with you if someone else does?
JGU does have a point about some people being able to manage fuckbuddies better than others, but then sometimes deciding to move on to a relationship with your fuckbuddy and leave your sexless partner is not unreasonable.

Malificence - Just to clarify, I did not have a rock hard erection non-stop for 48 hours!

This clearly couldn't be possible after taking A THIRD of ONE tablet, nor could any dangerous side effects!

If you re-read my post, what I was trying to say was that after this tiny dose (far below the typical dose), just the thought of sex made me rock hard within seconds - almost instantly - as soon as it so much as crossed my mind, for a full 48 hours.

It's a very effective drug is all I was trying to say, and I know that many men take it just to enhance their sex lives when they have no real issues to address.

Justgaveup, how do you separate sex from the love you say you have for your husband?

Is it because your husband chooses not to have sex with you that you can justify having sex outside your marriage?

As much as I love my husband, if he just decided one day he no longer wanted sex with me then I honestly don't think I could stay with him and continue to love him, sex IS part of love for me, I don't understand how your husband's rejection of you sexually sits with the fact that he is supposed to love you.
I'm pleased it works for you - it can't be easy.

Thanks for the clarification 2010dad!

Thankfully I'm all the "enhancement" my husband requires ( along with daily ginseng and ginko).
I think we'll leave the viagra to a time, hopefully far into the future, when it might be actually needed.

As someone who tends to post ad nauseum on the affair threads (yes, I bore myself, too!), can I just say that I have complete sympathy with justgaveup's situation and what she is doing about it. It must be hell thinking 'this relationship is perfect BUT...I have no choice but to risk it all', same as nobody can force you to deny an entire and rather large part of your identity as a woman just because they are either too idle or oblivious to realise how much they are demanding of you.

And I'm with you, mal, in that rejection killed the love I had. It wasn't the mistreatment, emotionally, financially and physically - it was the rejection/.

thesecondcoming - I have been working on it! My head is not longer buried in sand! I have agonised and wrestled with my conscience. Then just over two weeks from having met this guy I was crystal clear in my mind I wanted to get in touch and I did. I knew I could justify contacting him because of the lack of sex in my marriage. I tracked him down and sent him an e-mail and we are now in daily contact. I have no idea where it's going. I suspect he doesn't want an affair after all (now that it's staring at him in the face, and geographically we are 90 mins apart). But he is very kind and supportive about lots of things. As for my DH, I have been thinking about my marriage and what I want from it, and how to ask for it. I have had sleepless nights, but no guilt about the other man. DH and I are going away overnight this week end for the first time for years together and I intend to have a serious heart to heart. It has not been possible to broach this subject as my DH has been working long and late and our DC are never more than a minute's conversation away. Sorry to hijack the thread.

thanks for not flaming me everyone, i really appreciate it. I've had some nasty remarks on here before.

To answer some of the questions: I did go through a long phase of thinking I was falling out of love with hubby because of his total lack of effort to even attempt to sort out our sex life and I did at one point think of leaving.

However, in our discussions my husband always looks so upset and embarassed and ashamed about the fact that he just has no libido and to be fair he has 'tried' to initiate sex to make me happy. The very fact that he has to 'try' makes it immediately rubbish for me but then I feel what more can I ask of him? I can't make him want me which is what I actually want.

I suppose my case is a little different to some of the other women on here in that my husband is very physically affection, hand holding, naked cuddles, kisses, hugs and always telling me he loves me. He looks after me and slogs away working really long, hard hours for our family and still manages to be a fantastic dad and husband to me in every other way. I suppose this is why i still love him.

Since I've had 'buddies' on the side, it has allowed me to stop thinking about the sexual rejection all the time and I've started enjoying and appreciating all that is good about our relationship.

I suppose I've resigned myself to thinking that this is just the way he is. To ask him to 'want' sex more is like him asking me to 'stop wanting' sex so much. It's just the way we're made. I'm just not so angry with him anymore because I am no longer frustrated.

My buddy/buddies have reasurred me that I am still attractive and sexy and that, put in a simple way, has just cheered me up!

On an interesting note, in last 6mths I've been more cheery, more fun and we've not discussed our sex life for over a year. Husband has initiated sex with me 4 times this year with no prompting from me at all. I wonder if he is somehow sensing the confidence I now have and finding it attractive? I don't know.

I should add that I do also still continue to think that maybe if I was thinner, had a job, wasn't a SAHM, didn't occasionally suffer from ill health that maybe he would want to have sex with me.

Sometimes I feel he is justified in not wanting me so I can't be mad with him for that.

Thanks so much for all the replies. They have certainly given me a lot to think about. I have decided to tell dh we need to see a counsellor together ( don't have Relate where we live but I have a counsellor in mind who I talked to a while ago when I was having parenting issues.)

If he says he doesn't want to, or says he will but then something at work comes up (as it so often does..) then I'm going to tell him I'm not prepared to go without sex any longer.

And, erm, there I get stuck a bit. What the hell do I do next?
I do have a friend who is very social and I've discussed this with her, and she very kindly gave me a self esteem boost by saying if I went out with her I'd be beating them off with a stick!

(I know that sounds big headed, but you must understand - I don't get any compliments except for the same passionless "you look nice" whenever he remembers, and I know that at the moment I'm looking pretty good and what's the harm in telling yourself that? I've lost 2 stone since I had ds2 in the hope that it would make me more desirable to him. It didn't.)

So we go out and if I meet someone who is interested and who I like, do I be upfront with the situation, or exchange emails or something and string it out a bit? I just don't know! I've been with dh since I was 20, and I can't remember what it's like to be out there trying to meet people, especially if you don't want a regular relationship. Or is the fuck buddy thing more common than I'd realised?

I meant to say further up, if he does agree to see the counsellor then obviously I won't do any of this - it's more of a last resort. I would definitely try to save my marriage first.

I think this is really really common IG.

(Before we go any further though, re the viagra, you have to be careful if you have high BP so I wouldn't go trying it without a doctor's prescription if you have underlying health problems. But I do agree with 2010Dad that sometimes, men need the boost of knowing they can get an erection. Though it does not necessarily give you sexual desire, it gives you confidence and that can be all it takes to help along the desire iyswim)

It sounds like there are a number of problems that are all interlinked and getting lumped together...

First of all, think his work is a huge problem but both dh and I do this when we are not being considerate to each other. Both of us could work every evening if we wanted to - there's certainly enough work - and I found the only way to stop this happening was to force ourselves NOT to do it.

So I wonder if your first approcah is to say 'hang on matey, let's have a few evenings every week (even if it's just one or two) when you walk through the door and you don't turn the laptop on'.

I know it sounds simple but my goodness, once you get into the habit of going on the laptop every night, you do start losing a bit of intimacy between you (because you basically walk through the door, have something to eat, engage with computer and you've missed out the engage with partner bit other than nods and yes and no answers! ).

The second issue is his health. My dh has very similar health problems to yours and I too have had a battle to get him to take it seriously. Sometimes I think they need a 3rd party who will really spell it out to them. Excess weight + lack of exercise = high BP + snoring + lack of energy = quite possibly a stroke or heart attack way before their time. What someone else said about the sleep apnea is also worth checking out. Now I am wondering whether you could find an evening together and take up a sport. Something like squash? Something you do together. I know it sounds a bit naff but it would be time you spend together and exercise at the same time. I have been thinking about this for me and dh tbh as it kills 2 birds with 1 stone. Even something like going out for a long walk together or bike ride. Do you know what I mean?

Lastly, have you considered that he might be quite miserable or even mildly depressed? His lack of interest in you could be explained by that.

I don't think these problems are unsolvable but I do think they take some work.

Have you been completely honest with him about how you are feeling too?

foxinsocks makes some good points. IGs situation is not just about sex, it's about DH not showing consideration and them spending time together in other ways (he may be using work and the laptop as a way to avoid intimacy)

IG, I think it is a good idea to give him an ultimatum.