Sorry - long story, trying to explain background to be fair to all parties.
ExH and I split over 3.5 years ago. We have a nearly 5 yr old dd.
ExH was/is a pratt. Rubbish with money, one of the reasons we split was because of the constant bailiff letters (even though we both had good jobs he just wouldnt pay bills), I had to pay loans off for him and he cost me thousands of pounds (his STI, constant lying, lack of personal hygiene etc were also reasons!!).
So, ExH has been an idiot re our dd, cancels visits at short notice for things like stag dos, friends birthday parties etc, doesnt bother with parents evenings or asking how she is or anything a normal parent would do. He went through a solicitor to get access every two weeks then turned round and said he only wanted once a month as he 'couldnt afford the petrol'. He turns up at 11 and leaves at 4pm because he says he wants to get home before it gets dark. This is his one visit every say 6 weeks (it usually works out to). About a year and a half ago he moved 200 miles away to live with his dad.
He was made redundant 7 months ago and has not paid any maintenance for over 4 months. He also owes me £400 in court ordered costs for the divorce. He seems unwilling to do any job that he sees as 'beneath him' and is instead (I believe) holding out for his 'dream job'. In the meantime I am finding it difficult financially.
Our dd goes to private school (dont flame me!) and the court order for payment included half of the fees. I recently emailed him to ask if he had a new job (with him being 200 miles away I have no idea what hes up to in terms of work and he wont speak to me on the phone so I cant ring him). He said he was 'looking', I got very frustrated and emailed him to say that my family were helping me financially (I am having to borrow money off them to pay bills) and that I didnt understand why as it was him out of work not me (I work nearly full time) his family werent helping as well.
His dad emailed me today to say lots of things mainly that I'n 'emotionally abusive' (to his son for questioning him re work) and that Im disgusting for querying his finances (the dads). He then said that he can't help financially as he has no money (fair enough) but that if he did have the money he wouldnt anyway because of my 'attitude'. He said that he was willing to borrow the £400 to pay me the outstanding court debt his son owed me but only if 'you apologise to me for your attitude'.
The email was so horrible and Im so upset that he would put his evident hatred of me over helping his granddaughter that I never want him near me or her ever again. I hate it when her father has her because he turns up once every 6 weeks then disappears again for another 6 weeks and totally confuses her. She calls my DP 'Daddy' (because she asked to) and it is him that does everything 'parent wise' with her.
How do I get over my feelings of bitterness at my Exh and FIL, so that my dd can see them every 6 weeks without me giving off vibes of pure hatred? And are their actions fair? My DP would like to formally adopt DD, has anyone any experience of this?
Sorry for the rant and mixed up emotions and thank you if you read this far!