How do you stay dignified when you split and your H has been a royal arse?

[tiredoftherain]

I'm trying to channel Peter Andre and maintain some kind of silence over the finer details of my recent split with H, but have such an urge to blurt out just what he has been up to, after months/years of keeping quiet and covering for him.

He's just started to announce our split to his family and friends, and some of them have contacted me as we've always got on well. He really has been a tit, mildly emotionally abusive, neglectful towards me and dc's and there is an OW on the scene to boot. None of them really know this, although some suspect I'm sure. I just don't know what to tell them.

I really don't want to look bitter, but neither do I feel it fair that he carries on the facade of being a doting husband and father who simply fell out of love, and decided he couldn't live a lie anymore. Should I say anything or just keep my mouth shut? Obviously I'm playing any legal cards very close to my chest until that's sorted.

What a nightmare!

why cover for him ?

I don't understand

From bitter personal experience, I think it is very satisfying at the time to tell all and sundry what a bastard he is and how everyone should be on your side... but in the long run, its not helpful.

If someone asks, why not just tell them the truth as you perceive it. Those who know you and care about you will understand and believe you.

I don't understand however why you think any of this will be relevant to 'legal cards'. conduct is very rarely relevant in divorce or children matters.

yes, I was not thinking you should take out an advert in the local newspaper....

but if someone was to ask you a direct question, would you actually lie just cos he wants to stay looking like Mr GoodGuy ?

no way

Tiredoftherain, I think I can see where you are coming from when you are talking about "legal cards," if you wind him up he may try and make the situation more difficult if he can, and you have to communicate with him to get financial matters sorted out.

Don't blame you for wanting to expose him. I assume your friends/family know what it's been like?

I am completely crap at lying so would feel compelled to tell the truth. Most people would suspect that he is talking bollocks anyway.

I let my ex-DH go along with the "we just fell out of love" thing. I didn't have the energy to tell them about his fling and general wankery. And in the long run, I think it was worth it - I almost convinced myself, and ex-DH and I have managed to remain good friends, which may not have happened had I slung all the mud at the time.

But if you feel the urge to tell it how it is, then there's no reason on earth why you should cover for him.

chunky, without going into more detail that's exactly it. Not sensible in my view to discuss anything with anyone else until we're much further down the line. It could really provoke him and affect the outcome.

Spero, that's what I mean. The temptation is huge but I'm not sure it's the right thing to do in the long run. I won't and haven't lied if people have asked direct questions, but I am conscious of protecting his mum a little from the truth of what her precious ds is really like. (why why why am I conditioned to do this?)

well, its a kind thing to protect his mum

but that is not your job, is it ?

Him being provoked is very unlikely to have an impact on the outcome, but I agree it could make the process more difficult.

But if he is that much of wanker, i don't think it will matter what if anything you do, the wankery will come out once he realises that he might have to part with some money/property.

however, there is a difference between taking out an ad/skywriting and just telling concerned people who ask what is going on.

btw when people start avoiding you or saying with gritted teeth 'its time to move on' then take their advice...

Thanks, I am very wary of being a bore about this Fortunately I haven't had people avoiding me yet!

my exh went around telling people we had grown apart. I doubt they had read between the lines tho my friends know different.

If I now ever met a man who split with young children (ours were 9 and 4) and gave that reason I would be highly sceptical.

I didn't talk to any of his friends and family so don't know what they think.

One of our mutual friends met me for lunch and said she was very angry on my behalf! I told her not to worry but she took that to extreme and went on holiday with exh, his new p (who wasn't OW as far as I know) and
my dcs, and their dcs.

mutual friend's p also went

tiredoftherain, I'm sure you will handle this much better than I did. It is sometimes a real effort to stop talking about it as it feels really good at the time but makes you sick afterwards, like eating the whole packet of biscuits in one go.

It is so frustrating and upsetting when you completely disagree with the other's 'take' on the situation but sadly I think most of the time you just have to let it go as the people who matter won't be fooled.

I don't think it achieves anything, telling anyone the finer details.

It won't make you feel better in the long run, honestly. Keep dignified, and above it all, is what I say. People aren't thick - they'll figure it out for themselves.

Hi there, I agree with those saying it may not be helpful in the long run to sling any mud, but you quite rightly feel like his nearest and dearest should know how badly he has treated you.

Feeling like you should continue the myth of him being a doting H and father means you continue to cover for him- and I think you are right to feel angry about this. I also don't think you should lie on his behalf or cover for him- that's not fair on you and undermines the fact that he has been a "tit".

If it was me I would be fairly honest with my close friends and family as you deserve some support from them and they will probably be able to do this better with some understanding of what happened.

I would be a bit less open with his friends (but not lie to them), maybe telling them that there were some problems which made you unhappy in your marriage, but that you would rather not go into any detail as it is awkward for you.

With his family I would be wary of saying too much as no matter how much of a wanker he has been they will have rose tinted specs on and may not see it that way. It is probably worth trying to preserve a civilised relationship with them for the sake of DC's. However, if asked a direct question or accused of having a part to play in the break up I think you should set the record straightwithout slagging H off too much.

Having said all that I commend your calm and thoughtful approach- in your position I may have sent out a group email by now giving all the details. I think I would feel instantly better but this would soon turn into regret which would last longer than the feeling of relief.

Good luck XXXXX

wheresmypaddle, thankyou for your sensible advice! It made me smile, as when I found out about OW, I had to actually sit on my hands to stop myself forwarding the email of "evidence" to his nearest and dearest, and also his boss! Thank God I didn't..

I have actually been doing everything you have suggested. I've told my family and close friends pretty much everything, and either kept it brief or said nothing to anyone else. I know this will pass, as will the urge to contact OW, but it's so difficult not to act on impulse, especially as I feel so angry at the moment. Deep breaths..

Keep it up, Tiredoftherain. The first couple of years after the split are a time of madness and if you can restrain yourself you will feel much better about yourself when the dust and red mist (and lawyers bills) settle. Also, things will get settled more quickly if you can stay rational and dignified.

Rest assured, if he is/has been a tit then everyone who matters will know/find out/work it out without you telling them. The Moral High Ground is a very nice place to look down from.

I like the phrase "the moral highground is a nice place to look down from"- never heard it before.

Just one more thing to add- its only my opinion but I think that you do need an outlet for your (perfectly justified) anger and if you focus too much on keeping cool and holding the angry stuff in it can hinder the moving on. In the past I have refused to admit to myself that I'm angry about stuff (comes from that inbuilt feeling that noone likes a bitter, angry person....) and have kind of got stuck in moving on.

Obviously there is a time, place and person to vent to but don't feel guilty about it- its very very normal to feel angry and vengeful.

Tiredoftherain, agree with your calm approach.

Was in a similar situation when I split with exh - if you heard him talk - he owned no part in the problem

It was difficult for a couple of years, but now several years later people's opinions have changed. Every couple of years he has another (even younger) girlfriend; people can see what his behaviour is like and they applaud me for staying with him for so long.

Ultimately it is not a competition. If it was you would know easily how to win. But mainly it is an exercise in doing what is right for you. You will eventually feel like a winner anyway.

totally concur with paddle.

I don't think I started properly 'dealing' with stuff for at least a year because I was trying all the 'lets be friends for the children' stuff. this wasn't healthy and the anger when it did come out was quite explosive and unhelpful.

If someone treats you like crap then you are entitled to be angry about it. But if you need to vent then the best outlets are a few close friends or a counsellor.

Thanks everyone, I do know I need to deal with this to be able to move on so I'm letting the feelings come and then trying to manage them. I guess it's part of a grief cycle, I had to go through it when I realised my dc had some pervasive health issues, so it's that again but with my relationship I suppose.

I can't bear the thought that he's treated me badly and is leaving me with a mountain of stuff to deal with while his life remains virtually unaffected and he waltzes into the romance of a new relationship. I don't want to be bitter though. It's so hard.

Aaagh - typed a long, considered post and then Mumsnet went off for maintenance and it was lost!

Tired, as you know I've been following your story, so here is my advice. You can tell the truth, while retaining your dignity and not coming across as a victim.

This man toyed with your mental health, never came clean about his misdemeanours, it took OW's husband to expose his lies - and instead of being honest with you then, he started a smear campaign against the man he'd cuckolded. This poor man also told you that he thought your H had engaged in yet another affair, before the one with his wife.

I told you once that men like this - men who care desperately about "appearances" distort the truth and try to make out that "they tried very hard to save their marriages, but in the end, the love just wasn't there. By some absolute miracle, I then met up with Miss Wonderful, who coincidentally, had just left her own marriage..." No-one's going to buy this for a second, Tired. I'm sure his family are "allowing" him this fantasy, because it suits them not to "own" having an adulterer in the family. But believe me, when a member of my extended family did this to his wife, my first question was "So who is she?" - and I was right, of course.

You are making the absolutely right decision to move nearer to your family. You need nurturing and caring for at this time like no other. However, there will be some misguided and ill-informed people who will criticise you for that decision. That's why exposing your H as a fraud is important.

I don't think it will affect the divorce one jot if you tell the truth. I think this man will behave like an arse during the divorce proceedings what ever you do.

Your nearest and dearest know the truth. To others, I would have absolutely no problem with saying: "I tried very hard to save my marriage, even after discovering there were other women. However, in the end it was my husband's decision to end the marriage and actually now, I do accept that is the right thing to do. I now want to move on and create a happy family life for me and my children."

This is telling the truth, with great dignity and no victim status.

Oh and I might have suggested this line to you before, but if you ever have a calm conversation with your exH, try saying this, with a smile on your face:

"I now realise that you were not meeting my needs for some time - and I'm really excited about giving someone else the opportunity to do that."

Don't suppress your anger Tired, give vent to it. Come on here for support and start those moves back to your family.

whenwillifeelnormal- brilliant advice and love the 'lines' its great to have something prepared in advance ready for those "cant think of what to say" moments.

Tiredoftherain - I feel quite sure that contrary to what your imagination is feeding you this new 'relationship' of his is, in reality, not a bed of roses.

oh what a lovely post, thankyou, whenwillI and wheresmypaddle (love the name!) You make it sound so clear written down, and I need to re read it anytime I waver about exposing him for what he is. I do try to see the good in people, and it doesn't always do me favours in life. I feel really stupid for having been taken in by him for as long as I was. I trusted him implicitly.

I was really concerned about his family freezing me out (that has happened with past split situations) but have had lovely supportive calls from three of them this week. None of them have bought his story and I haven't needed to convince them at all. I feel confident we can stay in touch which would be ideal, for me and the dc's.

H hasn't shown any real emotion or shed a tear about the split, or the fact he'll barely see his dc's once we've moved. He actually seems excited about it all.