How do you stay dignified when you split and your H has been a royal arse?

[tiredoftherain]

I'm trying to channel Peter Andre and maintain some kind of silence over the finer details of my recent split with H, but have such an urge to blurt out just what he has been up to, after months/years of keeping quiet and covering for him.

He's just started to announce our split to his family and friends, and some of them have contacted me as we've always got on well. He really has been a tit, mildly emotionally abusive, neglectful towards me and dc's and there is an OW on the scene to boot. None of them really know this, although some suspect I'm sure. I just don't know what to tell them.

I really don't want to look bitter, but neither do I feel it fair that he carries on the facade of being a doting husband and father who simply fell out of love, and decided he couldn't live a lie anymore. Should I say anything or just keep my mouth shut? Obviously I'm playing any legal cards very close to my chest until that's sorted.

What a nightmare!

thanks totr, and he is deluded about why we split up. he honestly thinks i left because he could do nothing right for me. he has a selective memory, he has re-written history and he is so mean, ebenezer scrooge would be impressed!! but luckily I don't have any contact wiht his family. The odd terse thank you letter after christmas on behalf of the children.

maggie, I think the delusional aspect is a common factor in these men. H rewrites history all the time, I was starting to think I was going crazy as my memory of events and conversations was also so different from his.

megmums, keep going, it is so difficult to deal with and I really don't think there is too much you can do to control your feelings while it's still so raw. You don't need to behave well, he certainly hasn't. Just think that the OW is welcome to him and his seedy computer porn antics.

H was never overtly aggressive towards me but even today he was doing things like nudging me with his foot while I was putting washing away, simply to over balance me. Clearly that could really hurt if I fell, but he would pass it off as a "joke." I had to wake him up from his afternoon nap (it's like having two toddlers in the house) so he whacked me hard with his pillow.

He is also the most impatient and aggressive driver out, and I used to feel absolutely sick as he tailgated every car we came up behind. I remember that being a common feature of men on the EA thread. I'll certainly hear alarm bells if I meet another man who drives this way.

Tired - my H would drive like that, if he could drive, still hasn't learnt - too lazy and immature. But when I AM driving us around he tells me how to drive, and slags off other drivers, all very infuriating.

H also has to have 'naps' - that was the trouble when dd was born - the disrupted sleep. Please tell me all men aren't like this? I really feel quite emotionally scarred by all this. Your H sounds really childish - nudging you with his foot, it's like he still wants some physical contact? Like my H will rub my back when he walks past me. I find it a bit patronising.

Yes i think OW is welcome to him, she doesn't know what he is really like, and it will be a nasty suprise when she finds out - it took me a while. She is definately welcome to him, his childishness, anger, and extreme moods!

hi everyone, an update on this for anyone who had the stamina to follow my story! My internet connection is down so I've been unable to MN lately, much as I'd love to and am grabbing a few minutes on someone elses pc!

I'm feeling ok, some days are better than others, mainly the ones where I don't see H. I've hit the truly livid stage with him now, and feel not much more than contempt and dislike for him. I can't believe what he's put me through and how much it took to make me get shot. My desire to keep the family together far outweighed my self preservation skills for quite some time. We are about to file for divorce and I've had some great advice from a top lawyer who my friend happened to know. It looks like it might be a bit of a fight but I should come out of it ok financially. It's a horrible process though, and I can't wait for it to be over.

Now mutual friends and family are starting to find out what's really happened and support has flooded in. That's been quite heartening.

I'm moving to be near family as soon as it's practical and have found a lovely area with great schools for the dc's. It will be a massive upheaval but I've done it before and always managed to make friends so fingers crossed I'll be lucky again.

I've found out a load more about OW, who is still waiting in the wings and even met up with her XH for lunch a couple of weeks ago (in a very platonic way of course)!! He is lovely and we were actually able to have a laugh about the awfulness of the situation. I've found out an awful lot about her and what's been going on, and the huge irony is that other than in her moral scruples, she sounds very like me. Good luck to her, taking on H. She has no clue what he's like and I can't wait for her to find out..

TOTR, good to "see" you and it gladdens me to read you are doing so well

you sound strong and focussed, bad days aside

please keep us updated

thanks AF, good to see you too! I do feel better now the horrible uncertainty is gone. There are no wobbles of indecision, just the practical need to get a good settlement from him so I can move on from him with as little financial stress as possible.

H still doesn't seem that affected. That in itself is a huge red flag of weirdness. What decent man would so calmly walk away from his wife of 10 years and tiny dcs? I'm learning that it's futile to try and understand him, we're just wired very differently. He has recently told me that we don't live in the 1920's, don't I know the statistics of how many people have affairs these days? Strangely, I don't , and it wouldn't justify his behaviour even if I did!! He's absolutely lost the plot with that line of argument.

One day at a time, it's really hard seeing happy couples and families everywhere, and I know Xmas and new year will be tough. I will post again once I'm back online.

aww, what a corner it must be to turn to find you don't need to understand why they behave like a twat

so many threads on here by women wailing whhyyy??, howwww??. how could he ??

it seems some of these dicks just can and do

simple as < bastards >

Another update - the divorce petition arrived this week. He actually had the brass neck to sneak off and file against me even though we agreed that I'd do the filing given that I have actual grounds to do so. It refers to examples of my unreasonable behaviour and actually made me laugh out loud, it's so bloody ridiculous. I'm accepting it, but on the basis that it's untrue. The whole process is farcical.

Apparently I spend all his money, I've changed since we got married and I made him feel hurt and rejected by parenting the children separately from him (he works 400 miles away during the week FFS, what else was I supposed to have done?). Thankfully I have a shit hot lawyer who is doing all the negotiating for me now and he's got someone on a cheap package deal and a solicitor who seems fairly illiterate. He genuinely thinks it's a fluke that I've ended up with the best person in our area.. I think his achilles heel is how much he underestimates everyone around him. What a tit.

To go back to my original topic, it's all changed in that all of his family now know the full story. They'd all suspected what was going on, and believed me straightaway when I confirmed it. I've been overwhelmed by the support I've received once I started to tell people what was going on.

I still think I'd counter file and give grounds as adultery!!!

Hope you get the financial settlement you need and deserve!

Cargirl, it's really tempting but I need to save my energy and money for the big fight to come! Counter filing would be satisfying but pricey and if we go to court I'm looking at a small fortune as it is. Ultimately it's another example of his unreasonableness that he thought it was remotely acceptable to file against me!

I think my solicitor is doing something where we accept the terms on the proviso that we all know it's rubbish and it's kept strictly confidential. My main concern is him showing it to the dc's in 20 years, and saying, look, it was all your mum's fault that we split.

That would be my concern too but tbh in 20 years time they will have already made their minds up about what kind of people you are won't they?

You can always say "yes I was unreasonable because I wouldn't let him have a mistress"

It does imply that he has told his solicitor a pack of lies - not a wise thing to do!

There's no way H would have told the solicitor the truth, he hasn't told anyone else the truth, but as he hasn't said anything outrageous in the petition, (that I'm on drugs, a bad parent or having an affair, for example,) I've been advised to let it go. It makes me so cross, it really isn't a fair process in this way! It's so typical of him to want to get his word in without letting me have my say, but that's why we're getting divorced I suppose!

it will so come and slap him back in the face when he least expects it!

As I understand it, it's a waste of resources counter-filing. The court will award the divorce on the basis that the marriage has irretrievably broken down and finances on the basis of need, not of fault (unless it's something really awful). They don't know you and frankly they don't care whether you were really a spendthrift etc or not; you don't have to show the grounds to anyone if you don't want to, and those close enough to be interested will know the truth regardless of what the petition says. It's only an opening salvo and you do best to wave your hand and say "yeah, whatever..." while he pays for the divorce that you want. Result!

Sounds like you're getting good advice on this and as CarGirl points out, lying to his own solicitor can only backfire on him, not on you.

Annie, that's wise advice, thanks! I'm hearing similar from the friends I know who've been through it themselves. Ultimately the people who matter do know because I've told them, others can think what they like.

Ultimately it's really sad, because breaking up such a young family would never ever have been what I wanted, and I put up with a lot to try and prevent it from happening.

Right, another update to this sorry saga. Well done for anyone who's got this far, I feel like my ordinary suburban life has turned into something from Jeremy Kyle..

So, I finally caught H and OW, after months of denials, months of saying she was just a very close friend and something "might happen". He'd only gone and taken her on a birthday weekend to the theatre, dinner, and hotel somewhere pricey. It was planned 6 weeks ago, and I almost foiled it but he got round that by inventing an urgent corporate event he simply had to go to. He didn't bank on the daft bint updating her FB status from her phone while out on the date, and her H immediately phoning me when he spotted it.. He finally admitted it when confronted, and I think he'll now be cited in their divorce case. There's something to be proud of..

I've since gone back through the credit card bills and the amount spent on her (and disguised as expenses) is staggering. I've notified my solicitor as we'll need to factor this into the settlement, it runs into hundreds if not thousands this year alone.

Being in touch with OW's H is turning out to be incredibly useful. We've figured out so much of what's been going on, and the best bit is that he knows she's still in contact with the guy she was previously having an affair with (who is a lot older and richer than H!). I smell karma for H...!!

thanks for update totr

I am loving how together you sound...

bring on the karma !!!!!!!!!!

just make sure that when his shit hits the fan you are cool, calm and collected...start practicing your ironic raise of the eyebrow now